Thought I got ghosted so I ended things, now it turns out that maybe I was wrong

[dh12345]

Hey,

 

So I’ve been talking to this guy I met on Instagram for just over a month now, and haven’t had the chance to meet due to covid. Nothing special about how we started talking, he followed me, I followed back and then he DM’d me and since then, things have been going great. We exchanged socials from there after talking for a week or so. We have loads in common and get on like a house of fire. We were texting and calling everyday, talking for hours etc etc. All that good stuff that comes when you’re first getting to know someone. He was very mature and communicative, so all around no problems. We both set our intentions straight from the start, and both he and I were very straight forward about what we wanted without making it seem like we were rushing into anything. Essentially we were both talking with the intention to date and get into a relationship if things went well. No casual dating/FWB/situationship kinda stuff, It was extra important for me to be direct since it would’ve been a long distance thing also, which we both agreed that we’d try despite the hardships as we both really liked one another.

 

We’re both working adults so obviously there are going to be dips in communication here and there, which is what happened one week where we spoke less than usual. I didn’t think much of it but wanted to make sure things were still okay so towards the end of the week, during one of our convos I just let him know that if he had changed his mind or become too busy, or if this ever became the case, that we could put a pin in it and it would be no hard feelings. No reason to ghost or anything. He came back with an amazing response, just reassuring me that he hadn’t changed his mind at all and that he hoped I hadn’t, and he had just genuinely been busy with work (he has two jobs). He apologised and promised to work on it. Cool, no issues at all. We carried on pretty much as normal.

 

Week after this and communication had once again dipped quite a bit now. Not ghosting, but different enough that it was strange. Once again, I brought it up gently, but a bit more seriously (and very nicely!!) at the end of the weekend when I knew we were both not as busy and he was amazing once again. Super appreciative that I had brought it up and of the way I had brought it up, glad that we were communicating about any issues and very apologetic and kind once again. He said he would work on it properly and that the week had just been hectic, which I get. Loads of lovely paragraphs about wanting to make sure he didn’t do anything to upset me or lose me so easily, so he was glad I had said something, and a phone call afterwards as well. I don’t doubt his reasons as they seem genuine.

 

Then this last week he disappeared out of nowhere for the majority of the week. This is very unlike him as even before during the periods of deceased communication, we were still talking regularly enough, it was just that the jump from constantly to less regularly had me concerned as I know men sometimes do that when they’re looking to ghost. But this time, there was nothing at all. Which, after all the reassurance and everything else we had talked about, seemed very random and out of character. We had spoken about ghosting several times by this point and he had always maintained that it just wasn’t his style, and I would agree.

 

Having not heard from him since Tuesday, I sent a quick message on Friday morning just asking if everything was okay. I didn’t hear back all day so I sent another message around midnight when I know he’s typically up. The message was;

 

Hey, so I’m not sure what happened but I hope you’re good. I didn’t wanna disappear without messaging you beforehand, or wasting your time, so I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that this isn’t going any further. It’s genuinely all good though, no hard feelings. All the best! x

 

Now, this is where I think I ed up. I acted defensively and a bit rashly because I really didn’t want to get ghosted (past relationship trauma, I know - should’ve been dealt with). I also unfollowed him on social media, not out of spite but just because I know myself and I didn’t want to become obsessive about checking if he’d been active. This was mistake number two.

 

After calming down a bit and speaking to a friend, I realised that since it was so out of character for him to go awol like this maybe I should check up on him one more time. I sent one last message on Saturday evening just saying that I wasn’t trying to force him to respond but that this was a bit out of character, so I just wanted to check that he was okay.

 

Yesterday, at around 6pm, I got a bunch of messages from him essentially apologising and explaining that he had to leave the country for two hectic days to visit family for a reason he said he wasn’t going to get into just then, and only just got back. He uses a different sim and messaging app when he’s out of the country, which I have the number for but of course I didn’t know, so it’s likely he didn’t see my messages at the time I sent them. He was very apologetic and appreciated my concern and said that understood why I may have thought that we were done. He kept apologising and said that he didn’t want to force me into anything and he was sorry if I felt like he had wasted my time or did me wrong, and his last couple of messages indicated that he thought that ending things had been something that I wanted to do and that we were still not going to continue talking.

 

I replied essentially just letting him know that he didn’t have to apologise and that I understood life gets crazy sometimes and I was just concerned because it was out of the blue but I was glad he was okay. My last couple of messages were just asking for some answers, basically asking him what he wanted and telling him I was a bit confused but if he was too busy to keep talking to me, I understood. It was only in hindsight I realised that he was saying what he said because he thought I still wanted to end things.

 

I haven’t heard back since, but I’m afraid that by jumping the gun with the “break up” message, I’ve kind of shot myself in the foot. But also, I’m not sure how many allowances to make. He’s always very sweet and apologetic when this has happened, and everything else is perfect. I genuinely do think that he’s just going through a strange time right now, but I don’t want to make excuses where I shouldn’t. It seems genuine and not like ghosting, but I’ve been wrong before. I know a lot of this is my fault, but I’m unsure how to fix it.

 

Sorry for the long question, I just thought some background may be necessary.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing the first time deleting and blocking him from social media and messaging apps when he sent you the "I don't want to waste your time" message. It sounds like he is in another relationship.

 

If you are ready to date, get on some quality (paid) dating apps with a good profile and pics and use appropriate search criteria in terms of local distance, single, age etc. Start talking to men and after a few messages meet In Person for a brief coffee in a timely fashion.

 

Also increase your dating portfolio with more real-life in-person opportunities such as sports, groups, clubs, classes and volunteering.

 

Anyone who contacts you from a distance on social media through "likes" is suspect and not wise to invest time or energy in. If you are just looking for penpals/friends, don't talk romance, etc. Get on social media groups which cater to your interests and make friends/penpals that way.

[dh12345]

Sorry, I think you’ve misunderstood. He said that he didn’t want to force me into anything either in response to MY message where I said that I didn’t want to force him to respond but I assumed that this wasn’t going any further. Also, I appreciate the advice! But I know many people who have founded successful relationships after having met on social media. I agree that it has its negatives, but I’ve found it can be a very powerful tool in the dating world if used correctly!

[Batya33]

Sorry, I think you’ve misunderstood. He said that he didn’t want to force me into anything either in response to MY message where I said that I didn’t want to force him to respond but I assumed that this wasn’t going any further. Also, I appreciate the advice! But I know many people who have founded successful relationships after having met on social media. I agree that it has its negatives, but I’ve found it can be a very powerful tool in the dating world if used correctly!

 

I think meeting people through online is fine. If you want a romantic relationship with the person potentially or you want to date the person potentially then to me it's imperative to meet in person ASAP ina safe public place to see if there is a reason to go on an official first date. Looks are the least reason to meet in person. I met many men -over 100 -through online dating sites when I dated. Out of all of them I only delayed meeting one -for about 6 weeks - we didn't message constantly in that time though -and it was fine. I think it's a huge waste of time to type and talk with strangers you might want to date - and raises false expectations and often hampers any potential for an in person, genuine, dating relationship.

 

Having said that - I don't think he would have "ghosted" you -he was just a chat buddy you were typing and talking to and not meeting in person so of course the downside is the person can just decide to stop. Also I don't buy his excuse for a second. If he was serious about wanting to meet you in person to see if you should go on a date in the future, he would have made sure to find a way to reach you rather than suddenly stop messaging you. Yes, if he'd had a power outage that you didn't know about, or a true emergency, sure but my sense is he is not telling you about the family situation either because it has to do with his wife, something inappropriate, or legal troubles - or because he considers you a complete stranger who should not be privvie to private matters- because he doesn't have any intention of actually meeting you.

 

You don't know if you have anything relevant in common for purposes of dating until you date in person. You might have a lot in common as chat buddies/platonic online friends of course - it's easy to get on with someone like a house on fire when it's a stranger you are typing and talking to. But as you see, the second he has something happen in his life that is atypical, he's off the radar. Because you're not a person who is in his life in any relevant or meaningful way -just in the way of having lots in common when he has time to type to you.

[dh12345]

Hey, so I think people have misunderstood my original post and question, as well as a bit of the background I offered. Thank you for your responses but I think I’ll leave this one alone for now!

[Rose Mosse]

The check ups thing is a turn off when you haven't even met yet. I know you didn't want this to turn into a casual situation or 'situationship' but that's exactly what it is. The order is upside down.

 

Stick to the tried and true which is what Wiseman described and keep things simple. No more texting or talking buddies. This is something we reserve for friendships only and long time friendships, not online strangers. If you want to build something meaningful with someone do date them in the traditional sense. You'll get to see a lot more of the person that way. If time is an issue, it's here that you should be making a decision on whether you want to continue after the first or second date. A person who works two jobs will have a hard time managing the dating scene.

 

It's not enough if someone reciprocates or you both like what you see on the surface. I know it's heady and intoxicating to meet someone who's into you but it's not the real deal if there is no natural progression in your dating. Cool down on the 'are we okays' or 'are you okay'. Assume everything is okay until proven otherwise. You don't need to be anxious. Release yourself from all that. Life is too short.

[boltnrun]

I'm guessing his wife or girlfriend was too close by or was catching on so he had to cool it with the messaging.

 

I would also guess he is communicating with other women who are also far away. It's easy for him to get his jollies pretending like this when the women are not nearby. He can use the distance as an excuse to not meet.

 

Why are you not attempting to meet and date men in your area?

[MissCanuck]

This is all way too much for some guy you've never met, OP.

 

Remember that unless and until you spend ample time together with someone in person, you have no real clue what is out of character for them. This might be par for the course for this guy, despite all the flowery reassurances. People can say anything; it's their actions that tell you where they're really at.

 

And his actions are suggesting he's lost interest.

 

So while I agree that he thinks you wanted to end communication too, he had beat you to the punch on that one. You were correctly identifying the signs that he wasn't that into it any longer. All the talks about ghosting and communicating? That shouldn't even be necessary when the interest is mutual. You wouldn't be wondering where he'd gone because he wouldn't have been dropping off the radar like that. It sounds as though you both got a bit carried away with the thrill of talking to someone new, but the novelty wore off more quickly for him.

 

My guess is that he's found someone else, perhaps closer by, that's taking up his time and attention now. Sorry, girl. You weren't wrong to assume he was backing out.

[Jibralta]

I think you actually made the right move when you cut ties with him. You're not even in a relationship and he's already "working" on stuff -- and poorly at that.

[catfeeder]

How can you know what's out of character for someone you've never met?

 

He might be out of character for a fantasy, but he's showing you something important.