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Would you accept this? Too ill to see me but has dinner with ex girlfriend


nadineblack

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I spent the weekend in another city helping a girlfriend through a difficult time. He knew this.

 

On Friday he was looking through old photos because he has to do a brief presentation about his life history at work. I was on the train and asked him to send me his favourite photo. He sends me a photo of him and his ex-girlfriend in Portugal. Apparently he thought it would be funny because my Mom now lives there.

 

On Sunday I'm coming back on the train to London and he texts saying "I’d love to see you tonight but my cough isn’t fully gone. I didn’t have any issues with it last night but I am worried it might flare up again and keep you awake".

 

He does this all the time, says he wants to see me but already includes excuses at to why he might not be able too. Anyway, I told him that he should stay home, get some rest and hopefully cure that cough.

 

I called him when I got home and I found out he had just been out for dinner with his ex-girlfriend. The same one from the picture. They're friends. I then said, "oh cool, so you're ok enough to come over to mine?" And he said "no, I don't really want to catch anymore cold air. I think I should stay in".

 

Is this normal/nice behaviour? Would you accept it? Also, we have only been dating for 8-9 months!

 

Also, we're going to Mexico on Saturday for 2 weeks. What do I do? Do I go? Do I dump him? The trip cost so much money ...

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He's not over his ex girlfriend.

 

He sent a picture to you of them together as proof of this, even if he didn't realize it. Then he decided he needed to see her.

 

I think right now you're the third wheel and if you stay, you're in for a lot of heartache. It sounds like he is either putting you off for her, or he is seeing you both.

 

But my guess would be that's he's seeing you both and using his "cough" as an excuse when he is with her.

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Interesting that he does this now, right as you're about to go to Mexico for two weeks. I wonder if that's a coincidence at all. Two weeks of relaxation and fun is like a giant reset button.

 

If you go on the trip, you'll probably end up overlooking the whole dinner-with-ex-instead-of-you incident.

 

I remember years ago, I was dating this guy at work who was a real dog. I knew he was a dog and really did try to keep him at arms length. But working with him made it so difficult. He'd do something bad, and I'd be like, "Forget you." But then the next day I'd see him at work and we'd have to work together and get along. After a couple days of that, I'd forget I hated him and we'd go out again. LOL. It was so annoying.

 

So, I really don't know what you should do. I'm leaning towards fun in the sun, but that could set you back in terms of upholding your boundaries.

 

I would definitely be pissed if he went out with his ex instead of me. If he was afraid to keep you awake then he could have gone home at the end of the night. So, that's not an excuse.

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If you've paid, and there's no possibility of getting your money back, then go on the trip - unless the thought of being with him for that length of time is unbearable for you. If you can get your money back, then do so.

 

If you do go, enjoy yourself as much as you can but in the knowledge that this will probably be your last time together. When you get back, tell him that he's entitled to go out to dinner with anyone he pleases - but that you don't want to be the 'other woman' in your own relationship, and do not intend to be so. Wish him well, and leave him to get on with his so-called 'ex'. Does she even know about you?

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I think you know the answer. Your boyfriend is NOT treating you well, and his behaviour is inappropriate. He is using his cough as an excuse for whatever reason to hide the fact he is seeing his ex/ still in love with her. I think if you hang around, in the long term this has the potential to really hurt you. Yes, you will lose money but in the long term, you benefit by not being with him. Good luck to you!

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No. Don't go to Mexico. This will be an expensive loss for you, but you'd suffer a greater loss by going with him, having a great fun time, and coming home to find that he's still not over her.

 

He knew exactly what he was doing by sending you that picture. He was testing you. You laughed it off, so he tested you again, by having dinner, after telling you he couldn't see you for fear of "catching cold air". That doesn't even make sense. You've laughed this off.

 

Lose the money and gain your sanity.

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Sometimes you really have to ask yourself - what's your sanity and peace of mind worth?

 

Your so called boyfriend is treating you like garbage, lying to your face, avoiding seeing you, while he is spending time with his ex?....does she know she is an ex? This is beyond shady and I'd drop him cold. Anyway, you already know this. Don't let a trip get in the way of what you need to do for yourself and your own self respect. If you act fast enough you might be able to recoup at some of the money.

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No, not very nice or normal behavior.

 

As for what lurks behind it, who knows? Maybe he's not quite over his ex. Maybe sending you the photo is his clumsy way of being oh so mature and enlightened—you know, a dude who is not only friends with an ex but dates an enlightened woman who is cool with it. Or maybe he's kind of jealous of you, and his subconscious his looking for ways to keep you off-kilter. Or maybe he already had dinner plans with his ex, felt kind of bad about it, and rather than just man up and let you know what he was doing he played up a semi-existent cough.

 

Regardless, it's super uncool. Lame, immature man-boy stuff. Yawn.

 

As for the trip—well, I kind of lean toward what Jibralta and nutbrown are saying. Go, enjoy the sun, enjoy him. Cold beer, hot sex, spicy tacos. But (if you've got this mechanism inside you) a little guard up. You can address this when you get back, and if he's unwilling to create some clearer boundaries—well, that's that.

 

I did something like this with my last relationship. We'd been together much longer, things were weird, but a trip was planned. We went, had a great time, even though halfway through the trip I knew my relationship was over. I kind of put that information in the sad drawer of my brain, enjoyed the mountains, enjoyed the parts of her and what we had that I could. Good times, no regrets. Post trip came the talks, the tensions, the sad stuff out of the drawer, and ultimately a breakup when that sad stuff couldn't be dealt with together.

 

Maybe you guys can deal with it, maybe not. But it's not something to deal with in Mexico.

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Sorry to hear this. Are you sure it's his "ex"? They are still dating and he's making up excuses to blow you off and see her. At 9 mos, cut your losses. You can go to Mexico, but be aware he is still seeing his "ex". They are not friends.

 

This won't end well if you stick around . Suddenly "a cough, blah blah" will turn into he needs "a break".

g "I’d love to see you tonight but my cough isn’t fully gone. I didn’t have any issues with it last night but I am worried it might flare up again and keep you awake". I called him when I got home and I found out he had just been out for dinner with his ex-girlfriend. Also, we're going to Mexico on Saturday for 2 weeks.
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I wouldn't go. It would be torture. Why put yourself through that?

 

He still has something going on with his ex, that's quite clear. How could anyone enjoy Mexico knowing that?

 

Probably better advice than mine.

 

I am, I admit, a skilled compartmentalizer, especially when it comes to travel. I can back burner some emotional turmoil in the name of palm trees and margaritas for two weeks—but, yeah, that's maybe not the soundest approach.

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No, this is not normal and I wouldn't accept. Sending you that picture was already disrespectful but going out with her after telling you he couldn't be with you because of his cough? I don't buy this. I think he's using the old "but I was transparent and honest with you, I told you I was with her" to cover up what he's doing. Even if he's not cheating on you, this seems very inappropriate and shady. Maybe he's not over her.

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I am, I admit, a skilled compartmentalizer, especially when it comes to travel. I can back burner some emotional turmoil in the name of palm trees and margaritas for two weeks—

 

I would go on the trip too! Why miss out on a fun vacation just because he is being a d!ck? Have a great time... lay in the sand, have lots of drinks and s.e.x. either with him or without... then dump his sorry a$$ as soon as you hit the tarmac at home.

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I would go on the trip too! Why miss out on a fun vacation just because he is being a d!ck? Have a great time... lay in the sand, have lots of drinks and s.e.x. either with him or without... then dump his sorry a$$ as soon as you hit the tarmac at home.

 

Phew—here I was feeling momentarily like someone who trades integrity for white sand and boozy sex.

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Hey Nadine,

Your BF showed no respect to you and the relationship. He needs to be taught some good manners.

 

If I were you I'd go to the trip, have a blast, or at least keep up appearance that you're having so much fun, while totally ignoring his presence. Flirt with other guys in front of him,chat with other people and just treat him like a pet, or annoyance. Wake up earlier and go to breakfast without him. Ignore him by being totally immersed in your book, phone, keep a happy smile whatever you are busy doing. And of course-no sex. Leave him high and dry. If he protested about being treated like a part of the furniture, or throws a tantrum-reply each and every time with-"oh, I thought you were more interested in your ex. Obviously yo prefer her company to mine, so why do not you chat with her, instead of running after me? Yo are so annoying" with the sweetest smile on your face. Most important take away-act totallly happy and cool; and second, no sex.

 

When on the ruturning leg, YOU dump him at the airport and gracefully disappear by taking a separate cab. Make it a memorable holiday.

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Hey Nadine,

Your BF showed no respect to you and the relationship. He needs to be taught some good manners.

 

If I were you I'd go to the trip, have a blast, or at least keep up appearance that you're having so much fun, while totally ignoring his presence. Flirt with other guys in front of him,chat with other people and just treat him like a pet, or annoyance. Wake up earlier and go to breakfast without him. Ignore him by being totally immersed in your book, phone, keep a happy smile whatever you are busy doing. And of course-no sex. Leave him high and dry. If he protested about being treated like a part of the furniture, or throws a tantrum-reply each and every time with-"oh, I thought you were more interested in your ex. Obviously yo prefer her company to mine, so why do not you chat with her, instead of running after me? Yo are so annoying" with the sweetest smile on your face. Most important take away-act totallly happy and cool; and second, no sex.

 

When on the ruturning leg, YOU dump him at the airport and gracefully disappear by taking a separate cab. Make it a memorable holiday.

 

This is playing games and unlikely to help the OP get past a hurtful experience.

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This is playing games and unlikely to help the OP get past a hurtful experience.

 

I see it as level the playing field. And teaching a lesson.

What are the other options, let's see:

 

1) she cancels the holidays and her BF takes his ex instead, ouch! Plus, she would lose a good amount of money-2 weeks in Mexico from the UK, must be pricey

2) she calls him on his BS, he becomes defensive, she overreacts and loses all dignity-not nice either;

3) she sweeps the incident under the rug and continues to act like the cool girlfriend-result: he pushes the envelope further and then next holidays they go the 3 of them-"her"BF, his ex and him! Lol, another ouch.

 

She has to put her foot down and inflict some ego demage if this man-boy is about to come to his senses. Like they say "with the roses, be a rose; with the throns-be a thorn."

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I see it as level the playing field. And teaching a lesson.

What are the other options, let's see:

 

1) she cancels the holidays and her BF takes his ex instead, ouch! Plus, she would lose a good amount of money-2 weeks in Mexico from the UK, must be pricey

2) she calls him on his BS, he becomes defensive, she overreacts and loses all dignity-not nice either;

3) she sweeps the incident under the rug and continues to act like the cool girlfriend-result: he pushes the envelope further and then next holidays they go the 3 of them-"her"BF, his ex and him! Lol, another ouch.

 

She has to put her foot down and inflict some ego demage if this man-boy is about to come to his senses. Like they say "with the roses, be a rose; with the throns-be a thorn."

 

What you are proposing is not only incredibly vindictive, but you'd have to be pretty pathological to actually pull that off...... I sincerely hope this is a fun to think about, but not something you are seriously advocating or would actually do yourself things.

 

Sane people don't get into this kind messy drama/acting/revenge nonsense. They just walk away.

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