Just my insecurity? Or smth worth talking about

[chocopie]

Hi I’m [25f] dating my bf [25m] for about one year and everything has been pretty great so far. We share a lot of hobbies together like watching movie, anime, playing video games, outdoor activities, and the list goes on.

 

So a short backstory, we play some mobile anime games together and those games usually have a lot of overly sexualized female characters (google Brown Dust Valze or Fgo Raikou if you want to know what I’m talking about). I personally don’t like characters like that since I find them unnecessary and pretty offensive but I’m so used to it by now I don’t mind it that much. One thing that gets on my nerves is that 80% of my bf’s favorite characters are usually on the “super sexy” side and almost never on less extreme side. I sorta get it since characters with the best skills/abilities are either hyper sexual or look like they are 14 year olds so it’s better than the other way around I think. I’ve already expressed my discomfort with super sexualized characters to him and he agrees they are overdone. However, he thinks I’m overreacting to it and doesn’t understand how stuff like that can offend me.

 

To give you a better understanding of the reason why I find this annoying, I’ve been living with a huge insecurity of my flat chest/petite body. I’m average hight but have very narrow shoulders, chest, and hips. I basically have no boobs or booty. It’s impossible to find a right fitting bra(I honestly don’t even know why wear one) and hard to shop for clothes. My boyfriend haven’t said anything specific to make me feel worse and tells me that he wants me to feel better about myself. But after seeing this trend in his fav characters and hearing him constantly talking about the game/characters makes me feel really terrible. I can’t stop thinking about him secretly wishing that I had bigger boobs or more attractive body. We’ve already talked about this before and he thinks I’m overreacting because of my insecurity and I’m the only person making myself feel bad about my body. I don’t think he realizes that his anime waifus are triggering me to feel impotent.

 

I know my insecurity is my own issue to fix but I feel like this situation is definitely not helping me right now. I also don’t talk about my insecurity to him or complain about it. So this is just what I’ve been thinking/observing through out the relationship. This usually doesn’t bother me that much but I know this isn’t healthy either. Is this just my insecurity getting worked up or should I talk to him about this?

[SGH]

Unless he's directly insulting you and belittling your body, it's pretty unfair of you to blame him for your insecurities. He can't change his tastes to make you feel better. It's not even possible. He respects you enough to be honest with you. Don't punish him for it.

 

You need to embark on a mission to love yourself, or at least find a way to accept your body as it is. Your insecurities about yourself will infest any relationship you get into.

[MissCanuck]

Girl.

 

You have got to start to learn to love yourself. You've let your insecurities get so out of hand that a fictional, digital character makes you feel threatened. What will happen if you happen to have a beach holiday with him someday, and there are real busty women everywhere? Or if the next cashier at the supermarket happens to be well-endowed and he inadvertently glances at her torso?

 

My point is that telling him to knock off the gaming isn't going to help, because it's not the real issue. Address what is really bothering you (your own feelings about your body) with yourself, and start practicing ways to accept yourself as you are. I don't see that he is being disrespectful towards you or behaving inappropriately. He obviously is attracted to your body or he wouldn't be dating you. This is your chance to really tackle your body-confidence issues before they become problematic in your relationship.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing to do is get to a therapist and unpack and sort out this body image distortion. This isn't about cartoon characters or your bf. He's right. You are doing this to yourself.

I’ve been living with a huge insecurity of my flat chest/petite body. We’ve already talked about this before and he thinks I’m overreacting because of my insecurity and I’m the only person making myself feel bad about my body.

[Gary Snyder]

 

To give you a better understanding of the reason why I find this annoying, I’ve been living with a huge insecurity of my flat chest/petite body. I’m average hight but have very narrow shoulders, chest, and hips. I basically have no boobs or booty. It’s impossible to find a right fitting bra(I honestly don’t even know why wear one) and hard to shop for clothes.

 

- perhaps. And this also means you are not fat like millions of other women. You are looking at it the wrong way. Thin, model-type women can look spectacular in the right cloths.

 

But yes, men looking at other women while in a relationship is a no-no, including scantily-clad dorks in video games! It can feel like cheating to you - and you can't change your feelings. Relationships take work, and part of that work is not looking at other women, and making your woman feel like she is the only one in the room (hey, that sounds romantic!)

 

Try to explain it to him (sounds like you already tried), steer him toward another game without the loose women, or start talking to a hot guy - when he complains, explain it to him - perhaps when the shoe is on the other foot, he'll be ready to really listen to your needs and change. The latter is called tough-love.

[chocopie]

The reason why this is bothering me more than it should is also because he only tells me my boobs look good when I wear push up bra that adds 3+ cups to what I have now and constantly asks me to wear them again. I sometimes do costumes to keep things interesting and he always picks the ones that will only work with larger chest and asks me to wear push up so I look close to what the models look like. He also said he would like it if I had a bigger butt and encourages me to work out. Since I was always kinda considered getting a boob job, I asked him how he would feel about that and he said he will hate it because he doesn’t like anything fake. So all these things combined with ridiculous looking characters makes me feel pretty crap.

 

If IÂ’m to seek for a therapist, is there someone who specializes on body issues or can I get any therapist?

[Gary Snyder]

Hmmm...........the therapy will only help if you can convince him to go. It's his problem. He's too pushy about trying to change your looks.

 

If it helps, it's all just talk, and talk is cheap, but actions scream. He loves you and is with you, and going home with you. That's what counts most.

[Wiseman2]

You need to dump him. Controlling what you wear and criticizing, even indirectly are something to consider. It would be better to date someone who appreciates you as you are. He sounds like an immature jerk. All therapists treat self-image and self esteem issues. Dump this idiot and find a therapist.

he only tells me my boobs look good when I wear push up bra.

I have now and constantly asks me to wear them again.

he always picks the ones that will only work with larger chest and asks me to wear push up

He also said he would like it if I had a bigger butt.

[Nickel Speed]

At first, you said you only thought he was secretly wishing you were different.

 

Once you didn't get the response you wanted, you changed your story to include that he wants you to dress different and change how you look.

 

I won't comment further after this observation.

[DancingFool]

If a guy is with you, it's because he is attracted to you and the only reason he asked you on a date in the first place is because he found you physically attractive. He didn't know your personality back then, he went off the primal attraction so to speak. Try to wrap your mind around that. It will help alleviate some of the insecurities you are directing toward your bf.

 

That said, you definitely need to work on yourself and learning to appreciate the body that you have. There are an awful lot of advantages to being slender.

[Rihannon]

Some questions to think about:

 

Why do you think that he likes the way those characters look so much? You said they are the best characters to play the game. Maybe he likes them because of that. Remember, he didn't make those characters look like that, and he agreed with you that they are overdone.

 

Does he have pictures of them up around, like on his computer screen or walls, or phone, indicating that he likes to gaze at them when not playing the games?

 

NO ONE naturally looks like those cartoon characters. They are someone's idea of an extreme ideal. NO ONE with any sort of normal mature reality expects anyone to naturally really look like that, and virtually no one wants a real person who looks like that.

 

He may have some physical attraction to a certain look, and he may have fantasies about that look. That doesn't mean that his attraction to a person starts and ends there. Guys compartmentalize their attraction to a person much easier than women do. A man can love a woman who looks nothing like his ideal fantasy girl, because it's just a sexual fantasy and it's not something he loves with his heart and mind.

 

I actually think it's a good sign that he thinks you're overreacting to it. That might mean that to him, it's not that big of a deal and that he never even thinks about it.

 

Is he pushing you to get implants? When you say he encourages you to work out, how pushy is he about it? I mean, does he mention it all the time or did he just throw that out there, once? If it's the latter, well that was a little insensitive but not necessarily indicative of a strong dissatisfaction with your body.

[SGH]

The reason why this is bothering me more than it should is also because he only tells me my boobs look good when I wear push up bra that adds 3+ cups to what I have now and constantly asks me to wear them again. I sometimes do costumes to keep things interesting and he always picks the ones that will only work with larger chest and asks me to wear push up so I look close to what the models look like. He also said he would like it if I had a bigger butt and encourages me to work out. Since I was always kinda considered getting a boob job, I asked him how he would feel about that and he said he will hate it because he doesn’t like anything fake. So all these things combined with ridiculous looking characters makes me feel pretty crap.

 

If IÂ’m to seek for a therapist, is there someone who specializes on body issues or can I get any therapist?

 

Okay, so he is directly feeding your body insecurity. Dump this guy and find someone who loves you for who you are. Not every dude is even into big breasts and they aren't the only aspect that make a woman attractive.

[Tinydance]

OK, well I think there are a lot of things at play here. First of all, as everyone else was saying in their comments that you need to like yourself first and foremost. That is VERY true! I think some people that have low self-esteem and insecurities about their body won't actually feel better about themselves even if they lose/gain weight or get plastic surgery. You see people on those extremist TV shows like "Hooked on the Look" where they just keep getting more and more plastic surgery to look "perfect". But guess what, they looked fine as they were (they show before and after photos) and they look FAR from perfect. They just look like a puffer fish with giant balloons for breasts lol

 

There is definitely an "ideal" portrayed in the media still of what a woman should look like and that is a fairly unattainable look to most real life women. The woman is supppsed to have a pretty face, preferably blonde, big breasts, small waist, curvy bottom. Only few can look like that and as you mentioned, sometimes it's because they got a boob job.

 

And look, at the end of the day if someone wants to enhance themselves, such as body modifications or plastic surgery (even I have a tattoo!) then if it makes them feel good then by all means do it. But if you're getting those things because you don't like yourself and you're trying to make guys like you then I personally think it's for the wrong reasons. I think it's very important to like yourself because, as the old cliche goes...If you don't like yourself then how can you expect others to like you.

 

I myself think there is a difference between liking certain type movie stars, porn stars and video game characters and between what people you would date in real life. For example, my favourite actor is Ryan Gosling and I have a massive crush on him but no way do I expect my partner to look like Ryan Gosling. If I did I may be single forever!

 

If your boyfriend is just playing those video games then I don't see the harm in that. However if he does tell you to pad your bra or get a bigger bum or whatever then that's wrong. If he doesn't like you as you are then I think you need to end the relationship. Largely we can't really change our body so as long as we eat in a healthy way and lead a healthy lifestyle overall then that's the best we can do. It's important to like ourselves and to date people who appreciate us as we are.

[Rose Mosse]

He shouldn't be making comments about you having a bigger anything or a smaller anything. If you are a healthy individual (not severely overweight or underweight) and you maintain adequate fitness levels and take care of yourself and eat adequately, he should NOT be criticizing your body. He is entitled to his opinions and YOU are entitled to opine back. If you dislike his criticisms, speak up. He is not forced to date you and he can very well date someone else. The same goes for you and your freedom to date whomever pleases you.

 

I disagree that you need to look beneath any reasons for him making the comments he's making. It's inappropriate and emotional abuse over a certain length of time. You may not notice it at first but the effects of someone's criticisms or negativity surrounding your body image is extremely damaging. I wouldn't stand for it especially if I knew with certainty that I am a healthy individual and living proof of good choices when it comes to health and lifestyle choices. You get to pick what you stand for and what matters to you so pick carefully and don't ever second guess yourself or allow someone to undercut you.

[MissCanuck]

At first, you said you only thought he was secretly wishing you were different.

 

Once you didn't get the response you wanted, you changed your story to include that he wants you to dress different and change how you look.

 

This.

 

OP, why didn't include this information about your bras and his costuming you in your first post? It's important because it indicates there's a lot more going on what what you initially described.

[chocopie]

I first didn't include the details because I was only thinking about my insecurities triggered by the fictional characters and wanted to focus on that. I should have wrote what also happened in the original post. I always thought(or was told) I'm just overreacting or I'm just blaming my insecurities on my bf but it's a relief to hear what was suggested to me was inappropriate. I have some thinking to do now, thank you all for the advice.