Bowdan28 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Hi all, This is my first post ever on a forum, I am basically looking for some success stories of people who have broken up due to unfortunate life circumstances and then reconciled? Please, no negativity or ‘just get on with it’ - I am getting on with it but my story is quite exceptional to a degree so can anyone relate and has a similar story that ended well, I’d love to hear them! Here’s mine: I met my (ex) bf 5 months ago via a dating app, I was quite closed off at that point and not really interested in meeting anyone after having a few awful meets and dates. I still kept the app and started chatting to him, we had a very good communication and he finally convinced me to meet him, we met, had an amazing attraction and connection and both agreed it was the best first date either had ever had. The next date we had, he told me that he had been married previously and that they had filed for divorce the year before, he wanted to make sure that wasn’t a problem for me moving forward, he was very open and honest and we agreed to continue dating. A month on and he was the most affectionate, open and loving person I had ever met! Never known a guy like it! I had met his friends and then he asked me to be official, we were both over the moon when I said yes! A few weeks into our official relationship, still all was well, we were supposed to be meeting that evening for some dinner and early that morning, he messaged me telling me his dad had died and asked me to go round.. my heart dropped and I flew round like a shot! He was a mess, he was so distraught and it was not nice to see at all. I spent the next few hours comforting him as he was on the phone to his family and arranging to go to them that day (he was from a different city 4 hours from where we lived, that’s where all of his family were) I decided to drive him 3 hours and his sister picked him up from there so he didn’t have to get a train in the state he was in. He messaged me later that day and thanked me for everything I had done and said he didn’t know what he would have done without me. A week later, he was coming back to where we lived and was going to see a family friend who lived an hour away from where we live, he asked me if I wanted to come there and stay the night to meet some of the family and the family friends, so I did, they all had a time reminiscing of his father and I met some of the family and the friends, we came back the next day. I then went home to sort some things and went back to his that night, cooked him dinner and held him all night. The weeks running up to the funeral, he was very up and down but still quite himself, he was still so sweet and loving, and we grew even closer, he leaned on me a lot. I got him a present to help cheer him up and keep his mind off everything and the reaction was amazing, he nearly cried and thanked me for being “the best bird a guy could ask for” - he said often how lucky he was to have me and that I was a rare breed. A week or so later, my birthday, he felt bad that he couldn’t get me a nice present after having to contribute towards the funeral etc. But he made so much effort, he cooked for me, filled his flat with balloons and a cake and wine, and he got me a key cut to his place - it was so thoughtful. The last week running up to the funeral he was a little miserable but was still himself mostly. Then he went home for the actual funeral, I offered to attend but his ex wife and her family were going and he didn’t want any more discomfort on that day than necessary which I completely understood so we agreed that I would go down to his hometown the day after for a few days to support him, meet the rest of his family and bring him home. He decided the day after the funeral that he didn’t want to stay down there and wanted to come home so his sister gave him a lift back, I went round that evening and it was like he was a different person, he was so solemn, very down and so quiet, it was worrying. I spent the night and the following day, tried to get him up to do something to take his mind off everything, he didn’t budge, he just wanted to sleep. I asked him if he wanted me to go and he said no, then he fell asleep again, I told him I would go and run some errands whilst he rests and would come back later to make him some dinner. Later on, I messaged and asked what he fancied and he said he just wants to be on his own, so I respected his wishes and said I was there if he needs me. The following days, he was very distant, I mentioned it and he asked me not to take it personally, he was pushing everything out at the moment in order to sort his head out, I said to take his time and I checked in with him now and again. During this period, he went back to his hometown, he said it felt better to be near his family and that he was thinking about moving back, I asked him not to rush into anything but knew that him and his family were struggling so I understand if that’s what he has to do. We both said we would do long distance if needs be. In the end he decided to move back there, it all happened so fast but I started to see more positivity from him once he had made his decision, I still felt it was too fast to do something so drastic but he did, that’s grief for you I guess! In the time running up to his move (only a couple of weeks) I helped him a lot financially with him going back and forth to his hometown etc. And he celebrated his 30th Birthday, we had a lovely day together and I spoiled him as i do with those I care for! (Just my nature) then he moved. A week into his move, he swooped right back down into a massive depression, he didn’t like his flat, his job or anything about his hometown (the reason he left in the first place) he leaned on me massively for support as he did through this entire time and wouldn’t tell his family he was struggling so much as they were leaning on him and he wanted to be strong for them. A week later, I went to see him, he seemed to have perked up a bit but I could tell he just wasn’t himself, he struggled intimately (he had done since the day he heard of his dad passing) and just wasn’t his affectionate self. When I left, I had a strange feeling, I got upset on the drive home and messaged when I got back saying I’d arrived safely and asking him if there was something wrong.... The message I received was him saying that he is struggling mentally and he’s not himself at all, he doesn’t feel affection and feels a little dead inside, he said he was going to get some help from his GP but that at the moment, he couldn’t deal with the pressure and expectation that a relationship unintentionally puts on him. He thanked me for everything I had done for him and said he needed some time to sort himself out and heal before he can commit properly. I spent the next 2 days messaging asking if it was me, something I had done etc. I even accused him of having someone else! Being very unlike myself as I am so patient and understanding usually, he always replied and said it’s nothing I have done and that I’ve been amazing, he just can’t be in a relationship at the moment. I think it’s a combination of his entire year, getting divorced and losing a parent in 12 months is a lot for a person to handle. I have accepted it and respect his need for time and space but I am so hurt! I did a lot for him and we got so close! I decided very early on that he was for me, my kind of person and someone I wanted a future with, I know it was short term but believe me! I have been with people for 2 years and never felt like that! Never have they had that impact on me or me on them as we kept saying to each other! It was strange but so right! I’m So upset to be losing something so special because of no fault in the relationship! I still have hope, but I need a boost! Apologies for the long post! Can anyone share any successes of reconciliation from any similar situations?? Link to comment
Clio Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 There is a thread named Getting back together really does happen! in the Getting back together section if you look at the third page. It contains more than 2,000 replies. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Here is the getting back together forum/thread: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=278592 Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 3, 2019 Share Posted August 3, 2019 Are you certain that he dd not reconcile with the ex? Are you still in contact? Link to comment
SixOfOne Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Bowdan I've had a similar experience lately that pretty well rocked my world. I'd found the woman of my dreams, the one I'd hoped to spend the rest of my life with. We were incredibly close and everything seemed so right, so perfect, for the two years we were together. Then about four months ago her father died and everything changed. Over the course of the following three or four weeks after his death, I could feel her drifting farther and farther away. Finally she told me she couldn't pretend any longer, that she didn't have the emotional energy to sustain a relationship and also deal with her grief. So she broke up with me, saying that she thought it'd be best for us to be friends. Needless to say, I was and still am devastated, though every day seems a little better. Sorry this isn't the successful reconciliation story you were seeking, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. From all that I've read, grief often has this effect on relationships. I think the best we can do is respect our ex's needs for time and space, give them the support they need when we're able, and hope that time works it's magic in our favor. Anyway, I feel your pain. Hang in there. I'll be hoping the best for you. Link to comment
Bowdan28 Posted August 4, 2019 Author Share Posted August 4, 2019 Hi all, Thank you for your responses, greatly appreciated, I will check out the other thread. Hollyj - I am certain he didn’t reconcile with the ex because she didn’t actually end up attending the funeral, only her family did - and she lives in my hometown, not back where he has just moved to. We are still in contact but at the moment I am trying to distance myself to allow him some space. Sixofone - I really appreciate your response, I’m so sorry you are going through this also! It’s hard to fathom isn’t it? When you are or have been a rock to them, why they would push? But again, as people say, grief does funny things to people and is all consuming at times. You’re right, we have to respect their needs, care from a far and have hope that when the time is right, they will come back to us feeling more like themselves. I will also be hoping the best for you, Thank You. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 People who love each other usually don't break up. It sounds like he was on the rebound, still grieving after his wife's death and not ready to love a new woman yet. You were probably the rebound girl. Sorry. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted August 4, 2019 Share Posted August 4, 2019 Bowdon, I know that he is going through a tough time, but you need to cut this off, and stop giving him the benefit of therapist and gf. You only dated for about four months This is not fair for you, and he has moved away. You need to wish him well and move on. I agree with Gary, you do sound like a rebound. You can't be friends, either Link to comment
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