Is this a normal friend? Long post

[ironi]

Hi Guys,

 

So I moved country around 8 years ago and while I go back home like 3 times a year and I'm always in constant contact with my friends I feel like I need advice.

 

Some may say I'm a bit of a loner here (thats why I need unbiased advice). Maybe I am. But I am 30 years old, I only like going clubbing if It's a celebration, I'm happy to stay in on the weekends and sit with my family and cook and hang out. I don't need a boyfriend and I'm ok with that. I love going back home and having the best time with all my friends. I do feel content.

 

Anyway, I live with my aunty and uncle and some weekends my aunty will be like you should be out clubbing, go out meet people go be young. Which at one point she made me feel like a complete loser and loner. I spoke to her about it and she backed off. So anyway my best friend from home said meet up with this cool girlfriend of mine she can be a good friend. OK super super long story short (I didn't like the girl I didn't get warm fuzzy vibes from her, like she's not my cup of tea at all - but I tolerated her) she in turn took this as I'm really easy to get on with, I'm not judgemental, I'm chilled out.....so she CLINGED on to me like constantly texting me, calling me, texting me at 3am stupid stuff like "OMG" or "HELP ME" waiting for me to reply.

 

 

NOW I am the type of girl who has a lot of different kinds of girlfriends, I am an aquarius so I have multiple best friends/sister for my different personalities. One thing all my friends share with me if that we love each other and look out for each other wellbeing.

 

So this girl I've just met like she's really full on and annoying, constantly blowing my phone up. Telling me stories about people who I don't know like I should know them. Then if I don't remember something she starts giving me attitude. So the SECOND time we met up she claimed I was her Bestfriend to all her work colleagues.

 

That took me back a little and freaked me out. So I told my aunty and she was like 'oh thats so cute - she likes you, so what she wants to be your friend' - In my head I'm like 'I don't want to be her friend though'

 

This girl in the space of 2 years I avoided her, didn't answer her calls, didn't reply back, didn't reply to texts nothing. Then I had tagged myself and my friends in a restaurant for my grandmothers birthday - she had added my other friends on Facebook (i'm not that active - I've actually deleted Facebook because of this) SHE SHOWED UP AT THE RESTAURANT!! So i'm freaking out like why would she think this is ok to do? like is this my fault? I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack. Anyway my friends are all laughing and saying that 'oh she's sweet she thinks your fabulous thats why she's here take it as a compliment'.....as the night went on everyone including my nan realised she shouldn't actually have a personality she doesn't know how to hold a conversation. She makes herself out to be very world travelled, spiritual, respectful, strong morals, fun etc but all she does is talk about who she fancies, what guy she met, ‘OMG I ended up getting so drunk I don’t know how that happened?’ stories, tinder stories etc etc. So after the dinner which was super awkward with her, all my friends had said ‘shes weird and has no conversational skills’ some said she seemed lost.

 

So after the dinner she went to facebook again and friend requested everyone on the table even my grandmother! I had been blanking her for over 6months now blocked her from all social media everything…in the end she messaged my aunty and grandmother on facebook asking for my home address so that she could surprise me with a visit.

 

This really made me feel super anxious like I felt like she was drowning me and I don’t even know the girl properly. I just didn’t understand why she was so on my case for everything. Why she was so attached like feeling so comfortable to blow my phone up at 4am when shes drunk leaving a guys house.

 

2years went by and really really minimal contact. I had a really messy break up and I was feeling really down and suffering from really bad anxiety. Anyway a friend I had met through crazy bird had invited me and said it was ‘crazy bird’s’ surprise birthday come. So I ended up going purely to see this other girl. When I showed up at the party it was super chilled, everyone seemed more mature, this girl was a lot calmer and seemed more tolerable. So I bonded with her friend and we chatted alllll night – we then moved onto a bar and I jumped into the car with her friend. So in the car her friend was asking me like if ‘crazy bird’ is as crazy with me as she is with her as I’m her bestfriend LOL. I just kept quiet didn’t say anything just asked why. She started telling me how shes been left in clubs by herself because shes gone off with random guys and how shes got no filter infront of people, how shes two faced and has double standards and is very rude. Sum of it is that everything I’m seeing and also that this girl is a bit guy hungry. But at the end she said but I think shes calmed down now because she has a boyfriend. JOY because I have never been out ever with a girl who stands on the dancefloor or by the bar just staring and scanning the room for a guy. Like it’s the most embrassing desperate thing I’ve had to endure going out with her.

 

I just got invited to a dinner with all the girls again which was amazing, purely because I get on with the other girls and she can just scan looking for guys with us leaving her alone. During all the dinners I had noticed the girl I really got on with would put the other girl in her place, which I LOVED! This girl oozes I’m better than everyone, I only eat at fancy resturants (even though shes broke) think shes the best dresser but actually dresses as a lady of the night (no joke) I actually have felt uncomfortable with how shes dressed a few times and I am so if you got it flaunt it, tighter the better! But if we are going to classy places you have to look the bit. Shes going for the what can I get the most attention with and its not good attention at all.

Anyway all of us ended up going out clubbing after dinner once and had bumped into some of another girls guy friends. We all ended up leaving but this girl wanted to stay. NOW never ever have I met a girl saying ‘its ok you leave me with 6 guys I’m going home with them’ IN MY LIFE! I begged her to come with me I even made a scene …nothing. I left her. The next day I was staying in a hotel with my boyf and she showed up at my hotel lobby. I let her up and shes in the same clothes and she jumps on my bed and starts telling me how she had a threesome with all of the guys how they watched her. 1. Shes giggling and happy. 2. Shes sharing this story INFRONT of my boyfriend who is SHOCKED and disgusted.

 

I then find out that the guy she slept with was one of the girls boyfriend from dinner – so in my head I’m crying cause I really liked her and shes not going to speak to me now as I’m seen as this girls ‘bestfriend’

 

She goes home after a while and my boyfriends like drop her now shes toxic. I said I have been for a while shes just soooo comfortable with me. Like she tells me the most disgusting stories if I don’t pick up I get voice noted!!

 

So time passed like another year. She is now sugar babying herself off. Whatever I don’t care not my friend or problem.

 

I went back home to my country for a while and she was doing a lay over. She called me and said ‘hi I’m in town do you think you could drive me to the clinic to get checked out?’ (im screaming to myself NOOOO NOOO but I just felt bad- So I went and picked her up, took her to the clinic – she DID have an infection) we sorted it out and we went to get some dinner. So we ended up going to this restaurant/bar where famous people where and I ended up having a giggle with the bouncer in the smoking area and he let us in to the VIP bit. So there were a lot of actors promoting their film. So we sat and ate, I ended up getting chatted up by one of the actors (really sweet but would never work out) so we just had a good conversation. In the background shes got the actors best friend and started making out with him. Time to go. She exchanged numbers etc. After she said that was actually such a fun night. It was a fun random night not because of her company but because of the people we met. Like I work in investment banking and to be just having random conversations with actors is so fascinating its so polar opposite.

 

She became busy and backed off a lot which was really good for me. FINALLY! A few months went by she said she wanted to come over to my house and chill. So first time ever in 3 years I let her come to my house because she seemed really down. She came over in jeans and t-shirt she was so casual it was just a different side of her I loved, we were giggling talking about girly stuff. It was actually a really good evening. She invited me the following week after to dinner date. I spoke to all my family and friends about it and they said maybe shes grown up maybe shes changed.

 

NOW this is the bit now that takes it to the present. If you’ve been with me for this long congratulations! But I needed to give you a background story.

 

I told her to pick a restaurant because even though she says shes not fussy, she is and she will pull the most ugliest disgusted faces while saying ‘shes fine’ when shes clearly not. We chose a French restaurant. So I met her there and she was dressed like the lady of the night. Im talking dress cut out in the middle showing belly button to her skirt just covering her bum, choker with bright red lipstick and shes got a really short bob. She just really stands out and its not in a good way like I’m just confused. So we got to this French restaurant which was like a pub gastro kind of place, so not fancy at all and completely dead as a door nail. There was some issue with my parking so I had to valet it. On the way back to the restaurant I saw a thai restaurant which was BUZZING, the décor was so cool, they had live entertainment. I turned to her and said ‘oh do you want to eat in here?’ to which she goes ‘I don’t mind you chose’ I went ok lets eat here. She then pulls a face like ‘ EWWW NO’ so I turn and say ok lets go. Shes then like no its fine and starts making a scene but making out like I cant make my mind up. I get annoyed I just go and sit down – to then she starts fussing over where she wants to sit. I then get up and say lets just go to the French restaurant. She then sits down and pulls faces like ‘OMG your so difficult you can’t make up your mind..I’m easy your difficult’

She then says ‘This place is disgusting its like a childrens school cafeteria’ I am actually speechless I just don’t know what to say. The waiters are already feeling my pain on how difficult she is being and it just had people in the restaurant it wasn’t loud at all.

So I said listen we’ll order a drink and then go..she seemed happy. Oh LORD then the waiter had a drink promotion on which was a whole ‘I don’t mind its up to you, oh but your not drinking so whats the point, I don’t mind you decide, I don’t want to drink’ I was ready to explode.

 

She then started getting tipsy after 1 drink and started telling me about how she thought my aunty has a drinking problem and how they don’t spend enough time with their kids. THE ONE TIME IN 3 YEARS shes ever been to my house shes come up with this conclusion.

I was speechless I was really thrown off no one let alone a friend has ever said something like that. Like how dare she? How dare she feel so comfortable to say that to me right?

 

Its now really really awkward and I just want to get the dinner over with to go home. We go to the French restaurant. It was actually a proper pub so its filled with lots of people in jeans and t-shirts and shes dressed the way she is and I’m covered but still overdressed. It is loud because they have the football on so I said ‘how is this not like a children cafeteria?’ ‘Oh its never been like this when I;ve been here before’

We ordered what was left on the menu calamari, a rocket salad (without cheese she requested) so it was rocket leaves with balmastic vinegar and tuna tartar. It was the most boring overpriced food in the whole world. It wasn’t even tasty. I said to her you make out like you’re a foodie and your open to going out to different places but your really not. She disagreed of course and tried putting me in my place about how opened and easy going she is. I said so what are your favorite restaurants? Because I will eat anywhere. ‘Zuma, Coya, Le petite mason errrrrmmmm Hakkasan’ LOL I went you just like going to fancy resturants for the sake of it. She just giggled.

She asked me to drop her to this new bar, so I drove there and it was massive so I got out the car to check it out it was beautiful. So I’m walking around just looking at the place she goes and grabs a drink its ladies night free unlimited drink all night she drinks gin. Bombay gin is included in the package but she wants Hendricks so she pays triple amount of money just for the sake. The thing is shes not rich shes just being stupid and trying to show off. I order a sparkling water and start talking to the bar tender (being polite) she keeps talking over me being really rude. I said to the bartender I want to sit down because my feet hurt it’s the first time I’ve been her etc hes like sure no problem I’ll sort you out so he calls security and they give me and her a little table that was ‘reserved’ to sit on. I am completely chuffed like that normally never happens! I’m now really happy, I’m outside in a beautiful beachbar, I’ve got my sparkling water!, great music lots of beautiful girls on ladies night buzzing having fun. Was just feeling the vibe. I see her then like ‘Omg omg those guys keep looking over here ERRRRR gross they are so ugly ERRRR why are they looking?’

Me: ‘stop looking at them then! Because they probably think your looking at them!’

Went on for about 30 mins we actually didn’t talk because she was so busy looking everywhere else. I was just feeling so homesick over my girls and missing good girl company. I was watching all the girls just dancing, laughing being with each other and there her just staring at any guy who would stare at her. We moved on to the dance floor – let me ask you now. Is it common for you to dance with a girl and she not even look at you? Her head was everywhere and theres me dancing with myself feeling like a complete loser (im sober too) it just felt so pointless. Like we were just moving side to side waiting for something to happen but nothing was going to happen. Any time a guy walks past her and she doesn’t like she’ll try act like he hit her, or pushed her and make a scene and get really high pitched and hyper. Oh it was embrassing. Then she started saying ‘oh you get so much attention you’d make so much money if you sugar babied, if could get paid so much with just the amount of men looking at you’ It then crossed my mind ‘like maybe she doesn’t get any attention’ because I don’t get anymore than any other girls get. So maybe she’s just not used to a guy walking up to her, she feels she has to do it. Which is so strange because I know we all empower women to break out of the habit and go to a guy but in her case shes got to break out of the habit of being desperate.

 

Were on the dancefloor, shes getting more drunk and desperate, shes now trying to hit on guys whos girlfriends have gone to the toilet LOL and I’m like NO stop it dragging her away. She then starts screaming like in a cute way like ‘I don’t care I mess around like these guys mess around’ and laughing. TIME TO GO HOME. I walk her out and any time a guy walks by shes now screaming and swearing to get their attention and its just so embarrassing because were not in school, its all for show to like she thinks it cool.

 

She’s now on holiday by herself in Ibiza LOL on a ‘spiritual’ retreat. Each to their own. She messages me at 1am saying ‘are you going to be back home on these dates?’ I replied when I woke up at 9am ‘ said yes why?’

‘Oh I’ve met this guy here and he’s Djing in my hometown on that date so shes booking a flight to come over for that.’

I told her I have a wedding that day – which is true.

She replied ‘oh ok’

Me – ‘Don’t let that stop you though like you do what you need to do’

She replied ‘I wont just wanted to check ’

 

Check what? Like I was going to go with her to meet a guy who she met for 2 hour in Ibiza and now booking a flight to go see him next month?? Like I’m so over this emotional anxiety filled person. I;ve tried cutting her off but shes just crazy. Is she normal and I’m just super sensitive? Do any of you have friends like this?

[Rose Mosse]

You've written a lot about one person you can't stand. This is going to get deep real fast but I'll do it anyway and you're not going to like my response. I feel like you may be jealous of her but you're also irritated by her because she has qualities you wish you had. Usually when we truly dislike or don't think much of someone we avoid them and don't give them a second thought. You keep revisiting the idea of her and I don't think you're able to keep away because she possesses traits that you actually like or wish you had more of (even if you don't particularly like the way she's using them or can't reconcile with those superficial manifestations of actual qualities you like - ie. outgoing nature, confidence dressing however she wishes, saying whatever she likes etc).

 

There are ways to be rid of someone completely and choose different social circles. It also means patience and giving situations time to settle. Not everything will be as you like it when you want it to be. Be patient if you want to distance yourself from people like that.

[ironi]

Hi Rose, No it didn't annoy me at all. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'll be honest, there was a time I thought I was jealous because I understand if your so consumed by someone making you feel a certain way then it could be that. I'm in a situation where I'm not surrounded by my real friends because I'm in another country. I constantly work and only have friends through work or family. She is someone completely new and I just wanted to know if this is a normal thing to go through with someone - as I've never met anyone like this in my life. Writing it all out on here was like vomit sorry to be so crude. I just had to get it all out.

[Rose Mosse]

I understand. Depending on your lifestyle and tolerance levels, it may or may not be normal. I hesitate to judge whether it's normal or not because she really hasn't done anything criminal towards you. It seems like a comedy of errors, if you don't mind me saying, and a lot of misunderstandings. Some of it seems comical and unnecessary due to misunderstandings between the both of you. New friendships can sometimes be unpredictable so I'd take it all with a pinch of salt and don't overthink it too much. It's ok to write and process the events that way if it's what you prefer(sorry for misunderstanding you). If you really think she's more trouble than the friendship is worth, it's best to keep things minimal as you had before and be clear with your loved ones (family members) that you're not picking up any calls or speaking to this person for personal reasons.

 

I wouldn't go into it in much depth with friends or family as it will encourage more questions which you shouldn't have to answer or delve in if you don't feel comfortable. Just simply avoid her and resist the urge to interpret it as anything else for yourself or anyone else.

[ironi]

I missed out a bit sorry. When we were at this Bar we went into the toilets, she was talking about guys etc I said look at all the girls here having fun lets just chill out and have a good time. She then said 'they are all ugly lets sit here and judge their outfits, their all dressed disgusting' really loudly so everyone could hear. That was the point I was trying to make with the way she dresses.

[ironi]

Thanks Rose, I appreciate you taking time out to reply to me. Means a lot. My tolerance levels are all over the place and I really hope its a phase.

[Cope]

Ok I admit, I didn't go through it all because I'm not at home, but I really need to say that this is not normal! I'm also concerned about why your other friends and family consider it cute?!

 

Edit: I will go through it all, first chance!

[Cherylyn]

Be straightforward with your friend and respectfully tell her that it's time for both of you to go your separate ways. Tell her that both of your personalities are vastly different and it's time to part ways. You needn't explain in full detail to her. If she continues to hound, badger and pester you, then block her. You gave her fair warning so it's ok to take drastic measures should she not respect your wishes.

 

Give her the courtesy of ceasing the friendship and if she refuses to let go of you, then you need to abruptly let go of her. She is abnormal and weird. Avoid those who do not know how to enforce healthy boundaries with you.

[Hollyj]

Why would you associate with these other girls? If they are talking about her like this, they are the saying the same about you.

 

Find better friends!