GF situation - bit of a mess

JFlo · September 8, 2017

Hi all!

Long story short as possible - my very sweet, beautiful, girlfriend (who I've been lucky enough to have been with for over 2 years) and I have been having some issues that I'd like unbiased opinions on.

I think I created the problem back when we 1st got together as I didn't mention the fact that one of my closer friends is female - I guess partly through design (I was concerned at how she'd feel about me having a close female friend at 1st) and partially it simply didn't come up as me and said friend rarely spoke/met, especially at the time.

This friend did declare a romantic interest in me at one stage last year just days after my gf broke up with me - my gf then explained that there had been some confusion and she hadn't intended to break up with me and we immediately were back together though she did go on to break up with me again just before Christmas ( we got together again after a few months).

Anyway on rare occasions that my friend and I have met since it has led to bad reactions from my gf. My gf has been upfront with me in stating she wasn't happy she hadn't met the friend but 1) I don't see her often myself and 2) my gf's reactions to the times when we have met sort of made me uneasy about the whole situation. They did go on to meet and actually got on fairly well. Soon after, however, my girlfriend hacked my phone while I was in the shower and accessed private conversations between my friend and I. I'm not sure what she expected to find but has been extremely unhappy since with some of the comments my friend has made to me (some of which were last August) - they have argued since but now blocked each other.

I was just wondering if anyone could let me know how I should feel about all this as I'm confused as to where certain lines of blame should be drawn and also how to move forwards (1st and foremost I'd like things to be better with my gf)?

Thank you!

rosephase · September 8, 2017

You've broken up two times in two years. It doesn't sound like your relationship is very stable or that either of you are very good at communication. How do you break up with someone but not intend it?

Your friend has expressed romantic interest in you. I'm all for opposite gender friendships but having space for your friend is a fairly big ask of your girlfriend. And IF your friend is still hung up on you, you aren't doing her any favors by sticking around and not letting her heal and move on. It also sounds like your girlfriend doesn't trust you. So really it's a big ball of disfunction where none of you know how to handle relationships with good communication or respect.

All that being said... what do you want? Do you want to keep trying with this woman who has dumped you twice and doesn't trust you? How much does closeness to your friend matter more than her own happiness and chance at a real relationship? What are you getting out of this situation?

JFlo · September 8, 2017

Thanks for the response Rose - all makes a lot of sense, sometimes it really helps just to hear it from someone else and have it verified. My priority is to make things right with my gf. There were other issues between my gf and I at the time that definitely weren't anyone's fault and I understood her reasons - I think we're starting to get better with the communication too although obviously this was a big hiccup.

With regards to the friend, she has pressured me a lot into meeting up but more recently I have simply started avoiding her as I feel it's perhaps best for all parties.

rosephase · September 8, 2017

Thanks for the response Rose - all makes a lot of sense, sometimes it really helps just to hear it from someone else and have it verified. My priority is to make things right with my gf. There were other issues between my gf and I at the time that definitely weren't anyone's fault and I understood her reasons - I think we're starting to get better with the communication too although obviously this was a big hiccup.

With regards to the friend, she has pressured me a lot into meeting up but more recently I have simply started avoiding her as I feel it's perhaps best for all parties.

If you priority is your girlfriend then then let your friend know you are going to take some space from her. Don't blame it on your girlfriend. Don't say it's because of your girlfriend. Tell your friend that you respect her but feel like your friendship is hurtful to her while she is still hung up on you. And then follow through. Don't respond to her. Don't meet up with her. Let her move on and heal.

JFlo · September 8, 2017

Thanks very much Rose - I'll do just that.

reinventmyself · September 8, 2017

Is this to males view to Travellers Girl or Stressedgf post? or the same person.

Too many similarities for first time OP's

thealchemist · September 8, 2017

I am not one to put down friendships of opposite genders, it can be healthy in a relationship and being inherently against them looks like the SO is just insecure.

That isn't the case if the individual has disclosed romantic feelings. I can understand her being upset by that.

More to the point, this relationship seems very dramatic and a lot of work. Do you even want to be with this person? You two sound pretty low on compatibility.

DanZee · September 8, 2017

Gfs get extremely jealous when there's another girl in the picture. They expect you to associate only with guys. My wife originally got jealous about the girl that cuts my hair, but I've known her longer than I've known my wife. She came along to the salon I go to a couple of times probably to make sure I wasn't getting any "happy endings."

In any event, your gf sounds a bit flakey. What was the cause of the break ups? Maybe there's more of a clue there.

rosephase · September 8, 2017

Gfs get extremely jealous when there's another girl in the picture. They expect you to associate only with guys. My wife originally got jealous about the girl that cuts my hair, but I've known her longer than I've known my wife. She came along to the salon I go to a couple of times probably to make sure I wasn't getting any "happy endings."

In any event, your gf sounds a bit flakey. What was the cause of the break ups? Maybe there's more of a clue there.

I'm a girlfriend. I love it when my partners have female friends. I take it as a good sign that they can love and respect women as something other than sexual or romantic objects. Not all women are that insecure.

thealchemist · September 8, 2017

Gfs get extremely jealous when there's another girl in the picture. They expect you to associate only with guys. My wife originally got jealous about the girl that cuts my hair, but I've known her longer than I've known my wife. She came along to the salon I go to a couple of times probably to make sure I wasn't getting any "happy endings."

In any event, your gf sounds a bit flakey. What was the cause of the break ups? Maybe there's more of a clue there.

I have a dozen girlfriends that I have known longer than my wife. She never gets jealous. I go camping on long trips with these girls too. Jealous is only around with insecurity or just cause. Or sometimes just plain old crazy...

JFlo · September 8, 2017

Is this to males view to Travellers Girl or Stressedgf post? or the same person.
Too many similarities for first time OP's

Not me - just had a quick look off the back of your post as I know my gf is intending to ask for opinions online about the same thing but it's definitely not her. There are similarities but I'd definitely like to distance my ethical stances from the man involved in that story.

I am not one to put down friendships of opposite genders, it can be healthy in a relationship and being inherently against them looks like the SO is just insecure.

That isn't the case if the individual has disclosed romantic feelings. I can understand her being upset by that.

More to the point, this relationship seems very dramatic and a lot of work. Do you even want to be with this person? You two sound pretty low on compatibility.

Yeah, completely agree - both with being for opposite gender friendships, generally and with gf being upset. It is a lot of drama (which I'm generally extremely averse too) but do very much want to be with her despite this.

Gfs get extremely jealous when there's another girl in the picture. They expect you to associate only with guys. My wife originally got jealous about the girl that cuts my hair, but I've known her longer than I've known my wife. She came along to the salon I go to a couple of times probably to make sure I wasn't getting any "happy endings."

In any event, your gf sounds a bit flakey. What was the cause of the break ups? Maybe there's more of a clue there.

I think mostly it was to do with sexual issues arising from a medical problem with myself (it's currently being looked into by doctors). She's extremely understanding now though.

I'm a girlfriend. I love it when my partners have female friends. I take it as a good sign that they can love and respect women as something other than sexual or romantic objects. Not all women are that insecure.

I see it like this too

I have a dozen girlfriends that I have known longer than my wife. She never gets jealous. I go camping on long trips with these girls too. Jealous is only around with insecurity or just cause.

Yeah, I guess it's just some of the circumstances in this particular case.

thealchemist · September 8, 2017

Is this to males view to Travellers Girl or Stressedgf post? or the same person.
Too many similarities for first time OP's

Yeah I read that and my first thought was that this was the SO viewpoint.

Glad you clarified for us OP.

Travellergirl · September 8, 2017

I felt my boyfriend was keeping me away from his friends. Over a year of dating and i had not met any of his yet he had met my best friend who lives some 50miles away and had met my church friends

I finally met his guy friends, however I continued feeling like he was keeping me away from his friend who is a female when he could have easily introduced us. This female friend of his had told him that she fancies him when him and i were going through a rough patch. He was confiding in her yet she took the opportunity to let her feelings known.

Because i felt things were being kept from me and I couldn't work out why as i have had an ex boyfriend with lots of female friends i know am comfortable with that as I believe you can't stop people doing what they want to do

Anyway, so i looked on his phone to see if i can get some answers as my boyfriend can be very quiet about things. What i found was that i had been laughed at, this friend of his since last year had been making fun of me to my boyfriend and made racist comment about me and he never came to my defence and i just don't understand how a boyfriend if he loves me would allow it to happen. I since spoke to the girl about it and she continued being disrespectful to me and tried causing trouble in our relationship and am annoyed with myself that i allowed her to. I feel i have no one on my side

When i try and ask questions about it i feel i have no right to as I wasn't meant to know and it's putting a strain on our relationship. I know i am a loyal person and would put my partner before my friend but i feel am basically at same level as this friend.

One day they met up and went for a walk, i was going for a run to this place so i thought i would call and ask if i can meet her. I got there, they were sat by the river, i gave him a kiss and i felt he didn't want to be kissed, he kind of tried turning to give me his cheek. When i confronted about that, he said am hard to love and said he wasn't expecting a kiss i took him by suprise! How can you be surprised by a gf giving you a kiss. So it was since this incidence that i decided i was going to find out by looking on his phone for any clues. That's when i noticed i had been mocked. I posted a picture last august of him and tagged myman, this friend of his took a screenshot and sent it to him laughing at me, and he apologised for my post! He said he apologised because the girl was down since she had just told him she fancies me.

He says to me i keep bringing things up from last year, but to me these are things that happened 2months ago

I don't even know what my question to you is. I would appreciate any thoughts

Many thanks

JFlo · September 8, 2017

Apologies all, wasn't trying to mislead with my last post - I looked up stressedgf rather than travellergirl (assumed they were both the same user being referred to as the same name) but travellergirl is in fact my gf. Anyway having just read the above post I don't think I'll come back to see the responses - I can't imagine they're going to make for pleasant reading. Certainly puts a different perspective on things. In my defence, I do try and be as good a human being as possible, although, as you can see from the above fail miserably at times.

Travellergirl · September 8, 2017

I am the gf, here is my perspective on the issue as it's the only issue we have, we hardly argue etc

The friend tried causing trouble on my bf's birthday by posting something to try and get a reaction out of me, am annoyed i let it get to me