Brain Damage

[carribean chick]

I know that for many of you you have been on this forum have read numerous times about "the other woman".. I also have read all of the other girls, and what they did and the responces gave to them.. but I still seem to have this nagging part in my brain saying "it'll work for me".. Here's my problem:

 

I am completely totally in love with a married man. I knew that he was married when I met him. He was my boss at work.. we barely spoke to each other.. I thought that he was gorgeous, but would never ever say anything to him.. until one day I looked over at him and he looked at me, and I just knew.. I had to tell him. So I did. I sat down with him at work at we talked for 5 hours non stop... and then the next day we did the same thing. He goes out of town a lot... he owns many business that he has to travel to and make sure are running correctly.. put people in their places, check on paperwork, collect money.. that kind of stuff. After two weeks of constantly talking inside of work and outside (he usually only work on Fridays and Saturdays, but started working almost everyday) he invited me to travel with him to one of the cities that he had to go to.. I said no because I wasn't really sure it was a good thing to do.. after all he was married. . and everyone that I worked with knew his wife, she use to work at the same place. Two weeks later, after continuing to talk constantly he asks me again.. I agree and go. No sex, just complete relaxation and awesome conversation and all around wonderful time.. I got to see him outside of work life which was very different.. good different.. he is very loving and adoring and just perfect. Months later we were still doing the same thing, talking all the time, he would come see me at my place everyday after the gym and I would see him at work or after I got off of work at a club. Out town is very small and everyone knows everyone so when they saw us out together (although not overly affectionate) of corse started talking.. we both denied anything happening. Months later I fell in love with him.. everything about him I loved, his faults and strenghs. We had talked numerous times about him and his wife and family (he has a 14 year old from a previous relationship that he's always had custody of, and a two year old from his current) and he would say how his wife is beautiful, a wonderful mother to their child, sweet and intelligent but they met at the wrong place. He said that when they met they both were into partying a lot.. and that they never really got to see each other true sides besides the times they were partying. So when they got married and decided to stop partying they found out that they don't compate well with each other... she is Russian and I guess from what I have heard about them from many people, not just him.. they aren't very affectionate at all.. and that's what he said was the only thing that was missing... she didn't know how to be affectionate and did want to learn how and didn't want him to be.. but they were before because of the scene they were in. The only reason that he says he's afraid to leave is because of him children. I completely understand.. if I had children I might forget what I wanted out of the relationship to have the children be with their father. The 14 year old and the two year old have formed a bond that children do and he would hate to break it.. plus she has mentioned that she would clean him out if they ever did break up.. he is very sucessful and she wouldn't sign a pre-nup. (I would sign a pre-nup because I don't want him money, or property.. just him). So now I am left with this.. I seriously without a doubt 110% completely love him... completely support him in any decision he makes... whether it is to be with me or not.. you can not stress about things that you can not control. We have also talked many times about our trust.. since we've started out not being honest to his wife (and I have meet her on a many occasions, very nice very pretty) I wondered like everyone else how I could trust him even if we did rise above everyone else and stayed together.. and we came to an agreement and understanding. I just wonder what's going to happen.. whether he is going to end up divorcing her or not. He has said many times that she is definitally not happy because she says it all the time.. from what I hear at work from her friends, she says they are about to get a divorce. . honestly I think she is definitally cheating because she has everything she wants, doesn't have to work, is young and has a husband that travels 3 weeks out of the month.. she is seen all around town with other men. They just need to divorce.. and move on. ... their children will be fine as long as he doesn't move far away (we've talked about moving into a house right down the road) and the children still see each other. I kinda just want some feedback. Sorry this was so long!!!

[peanut15]

I think you are getting in the way of everything. First of all, I think he's taking advantage of the fact that YOU went up to him and told him that you were interested. Of course he's going to go after you, you practically threw yourself at him. Another thing, I dont think it is right of you to make an assumption that she is cheating, on the verge of divorce or ANYTHING about her. You are just getting fed information about her from everyone else and NOT her. Of course everything about her is going to be negative...look who you are dealing with and what he's after.

 

My husband fed the other woman lies about me just to get her in bed and sorry my dear but you've been duped just as all the "other women". Do yourself a favor and get out.

[OceanEyes]

I've never been able to understand how some women get themselves involved with married men. No matter what happens, it is usually disasterous. I know most women describe it as being something that "just happens", but I honestly don't believe that. I think it's a matter of self-control and being able to see yourself in someone elses' shoes. How would you feel if you were married to this man, and a girl at work was practically offering herself to your husband on a silver platter?

 

I don't see many marriages at all these days that don't have their ups and downs. It's not my, or your, place to judge whether or not they 'need a divorce'. You do not know what happens behind the scenes, when it's just the two of them.

 

Has he made any real moves towards divorcing? Most situations that I read like this, of women hanging onto hopes of married men leaving their wives, it all seems to be carried on through empty promises and false hopes.

 

All I know is this: when my mom was still married to her first husband and he was out with other women (several times), that it literally scarred her for life. It destroyed years of what would have been very happy years of her life. I don't think that you can justify his behaviour through what he says or what you hear.

[carribean chick]

First off I want to thankyou two for the input...

 

Peanut 15- I guess in my post I made things unclear when I said "so I did" . The truth of the matter is that I started talking to him just about everyday stuff.. wrok, our lives, we had never spokem to each other the entire time I've worked there.. so we didn't know much about each other. My intentions were not to fall in love with this man, or for him to take me to bed, which might I add has not happened.

No it was not right of me to say that they need to get divorced.. who am I to say that? No one. He doesn't however say negative things about her.. like I said he comments on how she is pretty, sweet, smart and a great mother.. the only thing he says is that there is just no connection because they fooled each other in thinking they were someone else during all of the partying, they barely saw each other not under the influence. I am not trying to stand up for him, this is just what I am thinking.

 

Ocean Eyes- I guess you really can't know how it "just happens" until you are in the position.. God hope you never are.. And I know that you are thinking that you won't be becauwe you won't let yourself, I am just warning you that sometimes things don't go as planned. Like I said to Peanut, I had no intentions of falling in love with him. . I just wanted a friendship with him. I understand that I am not right in any of this, and I am not trying to be defensive.. I posted this because I wanted to actually think what I was doing, and since I don't really talk to anyone about it I thought that I could get some feedback on here. And to be perfectly honest, about other girls offering themselves to him on a silver platter, he gets it everyday. I am a model and he is the agency Owner. So he gets offers everyday from beautiful girls. Now I know what you are thinking, then how do you know he's not doing it with someone else. I guess that I don't really know, I just believe that he's not.. just like his wife. So confusing. He has however not made any promises to me of divorce.. One becaue I won't let him talk to me about it in full length because it's not my relationship and not my business... and two because we discussed it and niether one of us want him to divorce because of us, but because he's unhappy with his wife.

 

Again thankyou for the input!

[PrincessLinzay]

It's a very delicate situation, especially with kids involved. The 14 year old is definitely old enough to know what's going on, and may potentially resent you for your interference.

 

It's good that he's not bad-mouthing his wife to you, but I would also take that as a sign. Things may not be the way between them that you have been lead to believe. He may in fact have a very healthy relationship with his wife outside of his travelling. These are things that you have to think about.

 

Im glad if you two have indeed not "consumated" (for lack of a better word) this affair. However, sometimes the mental affairs can be almost worse. He's made no promises about divorce, quite frankly, he probably doesn't have any intentions of divorcing her. If for nothing else than he's a business owner and divorce will be extremely costly for him. Not to mention the alimony since she wasn't working while they were together.

 

Im guessing that he's much older than you since her has a 14 year old child from a previous relationship. I would think really hard about what exactly it is you two would like to accomplish with this. Right now it seems that there could be much more harm than good.

 

Good Luck!

[carribean chick]

Yes he is older than me.. by eight years. Yes I could also take that as a sign that everythig is fine, except the fact that he and her friends say that the only thig missing from their relationship is the affection.. from what I've been told, and seen before we started talking He trys to be affectionate with her but she pushs him away, I guess she just wasn't brought up that way... I don't know.

We talked last night about whether we should stop talking and seeing each other until he goes through the divorce and he can devote himself entirely to me and not feel guilty for loving me.. it's just a sticky situation because you love someone and you don't want to stop talking or seeing them. Selfish I know.. but maybe that's what it's going to end up resorting to.

[peanut15]

I've got to be frank with you, their friends may not really know whats going on. My friends thought I had the perfect marriage until I dropped the news to my best friend about my husband's affair. What is on the outside may not be what's actually going on in the home. So basically, go with your gut instinct and since you are on this board asking for advice, I assume that you feel that the relationship is not going where you wish it to go.

[tiger_lilies]

From the outside looking in, this is a no-brainer!

 

It super obvious that he's just using you as his side dish! You say he has no intention of divorcing her, yet you cling to the hope that he will so that he can be devoted to you and you only...but don't you see that actions speak louder than words??? Has he taken any sort of real action to leave her? Even just to separate?...Move out on his own if his marriage was all that bad that he has to have a fling with you???

 

No affection can of course leave anyone feeling like they are being turned away. But you being in the pciture doesn't help his marriage at all because he is focusing his time and energy on you...perhaps because you show him affection. thereforeeee he is getting that part of his life fulfilled by you.

 

I believe you when you say that you didn't plan on falling in love with him, but I think that subconsciencely you probably wanted to fall for him. He's got money and is good looking...a receipe for a wonderful boyfriend or husband...except that he cheats on all his women.

 

Making plans to just be friends with your boss sounds kinda sneaky...especically since you knew he was married to begin with. I'm afraid that you've dug your own grave. Save yourself a lot of future heart ache and get out of this situation. It's certainly not fair to his wife, the mother of his children and to you either.

 

As far as I'm concerned, he's probably laughing it up right now. He's got a family to come home to and a girlfriend who's willing to keep the secret. This is a no win situation. Everyone will come out in the end very hurt.

 

I apologize if I sounded harsh, but I feel quite opinionated about your post.