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I’m not wrong, am I?


Miranda230

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I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for 10 years. He is very successful and owns his own business and likes to brag about how much money he has and how successful he is. It has bothered him in the past that I show no interest in his money, so he very well knows I’m not after it. He has also said that’s he’s not great at a lot of things that I need out of the relationship but he believes the best thing he has to offer is his money. Which I’ve never reaped the benefits of cuz that’s not what I’m after and he doesn’t offer. Once 2 years ago I asked to borrow money and it was like pulling teeth but I eventually got it and paid it back as quickly as I could albeit slowly.

A few months ago i quit my job and now find myself in a huge financial bind. Today I asked him if I could please borrow money, I even offered to pay interest or work it off and without even asking how much he said he wasn’t comfortable with it. So I said thanx anyways. Then he decided to call me and put me through the ringer with stuff like ‘what did you think was gonna happen to you...’ Naturally I’m very upset. He’s never there to have my back or help me out even though I’ve always done whatever I could for him with my meager earnings. This guy isn’t worth my time, right?

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Neither a borrower nor a lender be. I dont know who said that, it's an old line, but I think it's true. Things often go wrong when you lend money to someone. We helped our son buy a house and he was to pay us back an amount each month. He made 4 payments then stopped. It causes a lot of angst and anger when the borrower doesnt pay up. Ultimately he got a large inheritance and paid what he owed us plus some extra. It leaves a bad taste in one's mouth when things like this happen.

 

Your boyfriend doesnt seem like a person who wants or likes to loan money, he's made that pretty clear. If you want to break up with him over this, then think long and hard about whether the end justifies the means. I dont plan to ever loan anyone any money again. I was also burned for $100 by a "friend" who begged me for it to take her cat to the vet. That was about 5 yrs ago and she never paid me one cent. We are no longer friends.

 

I'm with your bf on this one.

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People have different values and notions regarding money. I am ok with lending money to friends and relatives when I can afford it. Whenever I have, it has always been returned to me. I have never borrowed money though.

 

 

Imo, being on and off for a DECADE is proof enough that you are not in a good relationship. The fact that you view money so differently is just another sign that you are not compatible. If after 10 years you have failed to become a team, imo, it will never happen.

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He says that he's best at offering money, but doesn't. So, what exactly do you get out of this relationship and why have you stayed with him.?

 

He should not be loaning you money, and why are you quitting your job without another one lined up.? That's on you.

 

 

Why are you with him if your relationship has been on and off? That clearly shows that you are not compatible.

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I mean, if you've wanted to keep things very seperate all these years due to the on and off nature of the relationship, it makes sense why he wouldn't be jumping to loan you money.

And maybe it's been good sense not sharing finances at all.

 

You don't seem happy. That's reason enough to end things if you want.

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Why is the relationship on/off?

 

It's not his responsibility to lend you money when you're in financial trouble, especially because by your description of the relationship, it seem like it's not that close after 10 years. However, I think the issue here is deeper than money, as you say that the relationship is on/off for 10 years (not very solid) and you say he's not good at things important in a relationship, and he even him says the only thing he has to offer is money (what the hell?), which is something he's not even offering you (nor that he has to). So what are you getting of this relationship if you don't have the good things of a relationship with him nor even the only thing he himself admits he has to offer in a relationship?

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I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for 10 years.

 

The 'on and off' thing would have told me all I needed to know about this relationship a long time ago. Either you want a committed relationship, or you don't. If not, then I'd leave finances out of this. If so, then where has the last 10 years led you with this guy?

 

We never get any time back to relive over again. The guy is showing you his level of commitment, just as he has over the course of 10 years. You get to decide whether it's enough for you to settle for.

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It may be best to remain independent. Do you live together? Learn to manage and budget money better and keep your credit score in good standing, so if you need a loan a lender will offer you a good rate. This way there is no hard feelings, negotiating, etc. It's strictly business in black and white.

I am a firm believer in doing whatever you can to help someone you love. I do it all the time and have done it for him many times.

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I think I would be more concerned that you are still dating after 10 years vs. whether or not he wants to loan you money... and perhaps this is what is at the root of your unhappiness. At the end of the day if you have been in a relationship for 10 years maybe you think it should be at a point where he wants to take care of you? Or perhaps you made an assumption when you quit your job that he would want to and now you are resentful? Have you guys ever talked about marriage etc.?

 

I don't lend money to people... sometimes for those I trust I will pay for someone's flight / hotel / concert tickets with the expectation that they pay me back (and they do because we do this for each other all the time) but this is usually the extent of it. If I do "lend" someone money it's always with an expectation that I may not get it back, so I don't put myself in a position where I lend them so much I am relying on them to repay. At the end of the day I would much rather just say "no sorry I don't lend money" and have that little sting happen up front then to do it and have a huge resentment kill the relationship.

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I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for 10 years. He is very successful and owns his own business and likes to brag about how much money he has and how successful he is. It has bothered him in the past that I show no interest in his money, so he very well knows I’m not after it. He has also said that’s he’s not great at a lot of things that I need out of the relationship but he believes the best thing he has to offer is his money. Which I’ve never reaped the benefits of cuz that’s not what I’m after and he doesn’t offer. Once 2 years ago I asked to borrow money and it was like pulling teeth but I eventually got it and paid it back as quickly as I could albeit slowly.

A few months ago i quit my job and now find myself in a huge financial bind. Today I asked him if I could please borrow money, I even offered to pay interest or work it off and without even asking how much he said he wasn’t comfortable with it. So I said thanx anyways. Then he decided to call me and put me through the ringer with stuff like ‘what did you think was gonna happen to you...’ Naturally I’m very upset. He’s never there to have my back or help me out even though I’ve always done whatever I could for him with my meager earnings. This guy isn’t worth my time, right?

 

Well, I'm glad he's decided not to enable you. Was there a good reason why you quit your job before you secured another one? In this day and age of equal opportunity I don't agree with a chica being reliant on a mere boyfriend (of the off and on variety particularly) for her financial security.

 

Don't be bitter that he's not giving you money, be grateful that he's giving you and opportunity to learn how to be financially independent.

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Wow, you people are very judgemental and must’ve never made a mistake in your lives ever. Must be awesome to be so perfect. I had a job lined up at a new company but they’re having problems with licensing and so forth. Still have the job lined up for when they sort their problems out. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to and how youre promised. Must be nice to always have things work out for you. My job was unsafe and causing health problems but I really do like how you people jump the gun and start pointing fingers. You must have great lives, sitting on your computers commenting on other people’s problems. I’m sure you have successful, fulfilling relationships.

Thank you for the responses from the people not ASSuming what is actually going here because after all, I’m sure that’s what this site is supposed to be about; help and guidance for those seeking it.

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'Wow, you people are very judgemental and must’ve never made a mistake in your lives ever. Must be awesome to be so perfect. I had a job lined up at a new company but they’re having problems with licensing and so forth. Still have the job lined up for when they sort their problems out. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to and how youre promised. Must be nice to always have things work out for you. My job was unsafe and causing health problems but I really do like how you people jump the gun and start pointing fingers. You must have great lives, sitting on your computers commenting on other people’s problems. I’m sure you have successful, fulfilling relationships.

Thank you for the responses from the people not ASSuming what is actually going here because after all, I’m sure that’s what this site is supposed to be about; help and guidance for those seeking it.'

_____________________________

 

Miranda,

 

Unfortunately the more I read here on ENA, the more I come to the conclusion that it consists of these uber-perfect 'I have always done everything right' people - a specimen of which I've YET to meet in real life. Don't take it to heart.

 

IMHO, after 10 years together - in a solid relationship and not an on an off one - where two people consider themselves life partners and share everything in life as they would were they husband and wife - there should be no question of a more well-off party loaning money to the other. Actually, scratch that. Giving, not loaning. I'd be very upset if my partner of 10 years refused to help me out financially despite having the funds at his disposal. Old fashioned? Yes. Don't give a d*** - that's how I see things.

 

It sounds to me as though he doesn't consider you a life partner at all...

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Wow, you people are very judgemental and must’ve never made a mistake in your lives ever. Must be awesome to be so perfect. I had a job lined up at a new company but they’re having problems with licensing and so forth. Still have the job lined up for when they sort their problems out. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to and how youre promised. Must be nice to always have things work out for you. My job was unsafe and causing health problems but I really do like how you people jump the gun and start pointing fingers. You must have great lives, sitting on your computers commenting on other people’s problems. I’m sure you have successful, fulfilling relationships.

Thank you for the responses from the people not ASSuming what is actually going here because after all, I’m sure that’s what this site is supposed to be about; help and guidance for those seeking it.

 

No one here thinks they're perfect. God knows how many mistakes I've made and how many I've admitted here before giving advice.

 

It's just that many of us don't see it as your boyfriends' responsibility to help you financially, specially given the "on/off" nature of the relationship and not being married (I don't know if you live together or not).

 

Also you described him in your initial post that he's someone who is "on off" on the relationship for 10 years and doesn't satisfy certain emotional needs in the relationship (he admitted it) but instead says the only thing he has to offer is money. Which is why some of us think there's not a solid base here for you to count on or rely on your boyfriend to save you financially.

 

Also of course bad things happen professional and financially that we're not expecting but me personally (and I've been on bad situations financially too and I've made some pretty big financial mistakes) wouldn't rely on boyfriends (specially if not a stable relationship with a life shared together consistently) to help me out. I'd try to find every other solution possible before asking my boyfriend. If you were married or living as married consistently, then I might think a bit different but still not expect anything.

 

Good luck.

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'If you were married or living as married consistently, then I might think a bit different but still not expect anything'

 

_____________

 

10 years in, YOU BET I'd expect my life partner to help me out financially as and when required - and I'd extend the same to him. Jesus people. Enough of this 'independent' c**p. Life's ABOUT A BILLION TIMES BETTER AND EASIER as part of a committed loving couple and let's please drop the PC version!!!

 

Miranda: I agree that the issue here is not whether he's prepared to help you out financially but whether yours is a committed loving relationship. Based on what you posted.. I don't think it is.

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Unfortunately being on/off and him ripping into you with stuff such as "what did you think was gonna happen to you"...is more of a red flag than whether or not he lends you money.

 

If someone is abusive or repeatedly dumps you like this independence is your best option for a happier life including meeting a better man.

I’ve been dating my boyfriend on and off for 10 years. Today I asked him if I could please borrow money, I even offered to pay interest or work it off and without even asking how much he said he wasn’t comfortable with it. he decided to call me and put me through the ringer. Naturally I’m very upset. He’s never there to have my back or help me out
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Unfortunately being on/off and him ripping into you with stuff such as "what did you think was gonna happen to you"...is more of a red flag than whether or not he lends you money.

 

If someone is abusive or repeatedly dumps you like this independence is your best option for a happier life including meeting a better man.

 

^Have to agree with this. This guy doesn't sound like a good human being in the least and despite all his bragging, you are now seeing the truth behind the facade. He'd rather tear you down so he can feel superior in his financial "prowess". I put it in quotes, because you don't necessarily know how much of that is really true. Either way, a person like that will never make a good partner.

 

Anyway, I hope that this finally prompts you to get rid of him for good, close that door permanently and move forward with your life. I realize that right now you are in a scary place, but I hope that once your new job starts, it will be a happy new beginning for you. That said, just one piece of pragmatic advice - while waiting on their licensing issues, keep looking for another job just in case the licensing never comes through.

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'If you were married or living as married consistently, then I might think a bit different but still not expect anything'

 

_____________

 

10 years in, YOU BET I'd expect my life partner to help me out financially as and when required - and I'd extend the same to him. Jesus people. Enough of this 'independent' c**p. Life's ABOUT A BILLION TIMES BETTER AND EASIER as part of a committed loving couple and let's please drop the PC version!!!

 

Miranda: I agree that the issue here is not whether he's prepared to help you out financially but whether yours is a committed loving relationship. Based on what you posted.. I don't think it is.

 

She said 10 years "on/off"... which is why I thought this wasn't a stable relationship that lasted 10 years. After 10 years consistently with someone in a stable relationship yes... but 10 years on/off with a guy who says that the only thing he has to offer is money and who seems to imply he can't give her what she wants emotionally, I don't see this as a case where she can/should expect anything from him as a married person/10 years stable loving relationship living together and sharing a life would expect.

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Unfortunately being on/off and him ripping into you with stuff such as "what did you think was gonna happen to you"...is more of a red flag than whether or not he lends you money.

 

If someone is abusive or repeatedly dumps you like this independence is your best option for a happier life including meeting a better man.

 

I totally agree. Also, usually on/off relationships dynamics don't turn into healthy and stable relationships. I'm not saying that's impossible, but the way he seems to treat the OP doesn't show that he's at that stage and if 10 years he's like this, I don't see it changing any soon. Better not depend on someone like this if you really have to depend/count on someone.

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Wow, you people are very judgemental and must’ve never made a mistake in your lives ever. Must be awesome to be so perfect. I had a job lined up at a new company but they’re having problems with licensing and so forth. Still have the job lined up for when they sort their problems out. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to and how youre promised. Must be nice to always have things work out for you. My job was unsafe and causing health problems but I really do like how you people jump the gun and start pointing fingers. You must have great lives, sitting on your computers commenting on other people’s problems. I’m sure you have successful, fulfilling relationships.

Thank you for the responses from the people not ASSuming what is actually going here because after all, I’m sure that’s what this site is supposed to be about; help and guidance for those seeking it.

I do, thank you. After you becoming so defensive over hearing things that you didn't want to hear but are said to help you gain your independence and not have to rely on a part-time boyfriend for money, it is understandable why he is unwilling to lend you money.

 

I'm sorry you didn't learn anything from the site. Hopefully the lesson your p/t bf is giving you will help you to take responsibility for yourself and your choices in the future.

 

Saving money for a rainy day is a good place to start.

Getting rid of part time on and off boyfriends is another.

 

Good luck going forth.

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Thank you to the people actually trying to help, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes a person just needs to get things off their chest and to hear that they are making the right decision even though they already know, doesn’t mean they’re dependent. I wasn’t relying on him, I asked and he answered and that’s that. I am looking for work elsewhere and taking care of myself just like I always have. And yes, I have ended things with him and not because of money. That was just the straw that broke the camels back. Thank you again to the good people on here, the rest of you shouldn’t be on a site like this.

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Thank you to the people actually trying to help, I really do appreciate it. Sometimes a person just needs to get things off their chest and to hear that they are making the right decision even though they already know, doesn’t mean they’re dependent. I wasn’t relying on him, I asked and he answered and that’s that. I am looking for work elsewhere and taking care of myself just like I always have. And yes, I have ended things with him and not because of money. That was just the straw that broke the camels back. Thank you again to the good people on here, the rest of you shouldn’t be on a site like this.

 

But you came onto a message board to ask advice

 

This is not a validation board. Although some poster will do that because they have their own issues, most of us as TWT pointed out have been there done that got the T-shirt and are giving you advice you need to hear. May not want to hear but need to hear.

 

The level of a posters maturity always shows when they reply passive agreeasively with “ thanks for those who helped me” blindly telling you, you made the right decision? That’s your girlfriends job. You guys all get together and have a great bashing session about all this. That’s my advice to you because clearly a healthy relationship was never your goal.

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