shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I had a dating experience recently it was fun but became clear that he wasn't really that invested. Long story in short I decided not to continue seeing him. At first I just explained how it was making me feel e.g. not very important by getting one word texts etc. He didn't respond and wouldn't talk to me about it. I got upset and sent a few too many texts, a bit strong in nature, not rude just how I felt about things etc. I regret them as I lost it. I would have preferred to have kept my cool, but on the other hand I'm human! The guy concerned has blocked me on all social media and it has now been two months with no communication. In a few weeks I will have to see him at an event and it is making me slightly uncomfortable. Would you say sorry and explain that you were emotional, bearing in mind I am blocked, not sure that is an option anyway but could dig up his phone number if I tried. Or would you just leave it and behave like nothing happened as he will do? Link to comment
SGH Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Leave it. Anything you do from this point forward will be viewed through the lens of your being an overly invested and excessively emotional person. You lost your cool, and like you said, it is part of being human. He isn't owed an explanation and it would not benefit you to give one. I know the feelings are uncomfortable but focus on what would be effective for you to do moving forward and work on getting over this guy. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Great advice. The only reason was because I have to work with him at this event potentially otherwise I wouldn't even have thought about it. Link to comment
maew Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Great advice. The only reason was because I have to work with him at this event potentially otherwise I wouldn't even have thought about it. Given the fact that he blocked you and didn't want to talk about it in the first place, trying to talk to him yet again will only make you look like a stage 5 clinger. Best that you act in a professional manner and behave as though you have already let it go and moved on. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 I don't care how I look to him but I can see it is best to not reach out. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Thanks, confirmed my thoughts there is no way I will be apologising, it was a bit rude but I don't really care these views needed to be aired. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Would you say sorry and explain that you were emotional, bearing in mind I am blocked, not sure that is an option anyway but could dig up his phone number if I tried. Or would you just leave it and behave like nothing happened as he will do? Nah. I think you meant what you said, even if you regret saying it now. Why apologize? Too bad he couldn't handle the truth. Don't let that make you feel bad or question yourself. Link to comment
Annia Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 He blocked you, so that means he doesn't want more communication. Also I don't think it's of any advantage talking to him to apologize at the event. I'd go to the event, act cordial and cool if you have to interact and don't mention anything nor make any more drama. Simply greet him if you have to and that's it. Also, he's probably not losing sleep over it, and neither should you. I know it might be a bit uncomfortable seeing him after what happened, but I think everything will go fine. We live and learn. Next time don't get over emotional and over reactive if a guy is not showing you the interest you want. Simply leave it at that and step away (I'm writing this assuming this were just a couple dates) Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 This. Go to the event and enjoy yourself . Be polite and friendly to everyone. Avoid him but do not snub or be emotional. leave it and behave like nothing happened Link to comment
milly007 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I would just ignore him and go on about your business. I’m sure this guy didn’t just fall off a cabbage truck, so I have no doubt that he knew that what he did was rude/ignorant. It’s too bad you lost your cool, but like you said, you’re human. Wouldn’t be surprised if the guy had it coming anyway. Next time, don’t let your emotions get the best of you. And don’t let this guy make you feel as if your feelings aren’t valid because he blocked you. You called him out and he didn’t like it. In future, just don’t waste your breath. Link to comment
j.man Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 We talking about this guy? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=556400 Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Good advice thanks. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Yes it is the guy - a complete waste of space and my time. I have the answers I need thank you. Link to comment
milly007 Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Ah, I remember that last post of yours from December. Unfortunately, I think he showed you his lack of interest or flakiness from the very beginning. And it sounds like when you messaged him back in December, you were hoping he’d ask you to stick around. Sorry this happened, shineyboot. But next time a guy isn’t giving you what you need, don’t wait around hoping that they’ll change. It can be difficult out there in the dating world, and sometimes I think we can overlook incompatibility when we’re yearning for a relationship. We hope that maybe someone will eventually change for the better because we shared a few great experiences with them. But by doing this we set ourselves up for disappointment. I know it can be easy to lose objective when you’re the one directly involved in the situation, but after reading your post from December, it seemed pretty clear that you two weren’t a match and were looking for different things. This guy couldn’t give you what you needed/wanted from the get-go. Don’t be afraid to walk away, SB. No point waiting around and hoping they’ll change; it’s a waste of your time. It’s all in the past now, so time to let it go and move on. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 My question would be why did you loose it on this guy? Clearly you wanted some sort of explanation from him and when you didn't get it you got mad and lashed out. Think about why you were so hurt that you felt you had to lay into him with multiple texts when he didn't respond to the first one. Lost Link to comment
maew Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 My question would be why did you loose it on this guy? Clearly you wanted some sort of explanation from him and when you didn't get it you got mad and lashed out. Think about why you were so hurt that you felt you had to lay into him with multiple texts when he didn't respond to the first one. Lost I was wondering this as well... you called him pathetic and a waste of space which seems a bit harsh for someone you only went out with a few times. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 I am a very emotional person lost and hurt. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 He got under my skin and I have asked the same of myself. I had high hopes for him I think that was why it was disappointing. I had 'admired him from afar' for many many months, I imagined all these things that he didn't turn out to be... major disappointment. We had a great time together as work friends (I don't work with him btw only at events which I choose to attend or not) and I got a bit wrapped up in thinking he was more than he was. He WAS great company but rubbish relationship material. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 and yes I do tend to have very strong reactions to some of dating experiences. I went on a date in January and I couldn't care less if he called me or not (and he did) yet when 'this guy' (the flakey one) didn't get in touch I'd be depressed. I was so emotionally invested in it all. I don't think the word pathetic is too strong to describe him: one word texts, lateness etc. but I understand being flakey is not a crime and he is still a human being with some nice qualities. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 I struggle not to overreact and wish I didn't. Link to comment
Annia Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 As someone who used to over invest and over expect in the beginning stages and also get irrationally sad when it didn't work out I understand. What helps e now is to take everything day by day. Never make myself believe I'm in a relationship (and don't treat my dates as so) until that's officially defined by both in a clear conversation. Until then it's just dates to get to know each other better and see if there's potential for relationship or not. I've also learned that a couple good dates don't mean much,. It's the consistency and taking it day by day lets me not get so carried away and so attached too early. Also a few good dates don't make the guy owe you (general you) a relationship. That will only lead to the unproportionated destructive anger you felt towards this guy. Also something that helps me is to think about the type of relationship I want (in general terms) and see day by day if the person corresponds. For example, flakiness and indefinite "I'm not sure" (something that happened to me a lot in my dating experiences) are not in my definition of relationship and after a while I just step out. No over dramatic texts, no justifications, no nothing. And yes, in my past I've sent over dramatic texts to guys I wasn't even in a relationship with. Trying to have a life outside these dates helps too. And I know that's hard because I'm in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country where it's insanely hard meeting people outside of work. Learn to see people how they are at the moment (the good and the bad) and not how you want them to become or wish they became. But most importantly is to try to think why do you develop so much attachment to guys you don't know that well/had just a few dates with. It's important that our neediness and desire to have a relationship doesn't overwhelm the reality and prevent us from enjoying dating day by day. Being so focused on that lack, that need and that end result we want at all costs will provoque over attachment and expectations that are not coherent with the reality. For me it was that I wanted so much to be loved (in a romantic context) to feed my unmet needs from my past and damaging beliefs that I was overlooking red flags, uninterested guys and situations that led to no where. I'd also be overly hurt and took it personal someone not being that into me even if I could control myself and pretend I was letting go. Being conscious of that helps making better decisions and not be so hurt when things don't work out. It's not personal when someone is just not that into us. It never is. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Yes very true, thanks. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I had a dating experience recently it was fun but became clear that he wasn't really that invested. Long story in short I decided not to continue seeing him. At first I just explained how it was making me feel e.g. not very important by getting one word texts etc. He didn't respond and wouldn't talk to me about it. I got upset and sent a few too many texts, a bit strong in nature, not rude just how I felt about things etc. I regret them as I lost it. I would have preferred to have kept my cool, but on the other hand I'm human! The guy concerned has blocked me on all social media and it has now been two months with no communication. In a few weeks I will have to see him at an event and it is making me slightly uncomfortable. Would you say sorry and explain that you were emotional, bearing in mind I am blocked, not sure that is an option anyway but could dig up his phone number if I tried. Or would you just leave it and behave like nothing happened as he will do? I would act like nothing happened and be courteous toward him. If he has a problem with that, then it's his problem, not yours. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I was actually in a relationship with a woman that did similar things as you. She would imagine how something would go and no matter how great it turned out if it wasn't what she imagined she was either disappointed, hurt or eventually angry and would lash out. This could be about anything it seemed but what ruined our relationship was that when it came to me I couldn't seem to live up to the imagined idea she had and she would take it very personally which would bring out the hurt and then anger because she was hurt. It never made sense to me but to her it was real and she acted this way towards her mother and father and siblings too as well as coworkers on occasion but to a lesser degree. How about you take people at face value and stop imagining things and just let yourself be surprised? Many people try and steer their life so they will not be hurt or so they can feel more secure and safe but in the end it just pushes everything you wanted away. You really need to get a handle on this and figure out where it is coming from before it ruins something really special. I would guess this comes from something in your childhood that had carried over to your adulthood. Lost Link to comment
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