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jealous of pretty girls around boyfriend


Emilia

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Hi all!

 

First off Im new to this site and want to thank you all for reading my post!! I look forward to helping you all out

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 years now. I am 24, he is 25. Jealousy has overcome our relationship and seems to be eating away at me more and more as time goes on.

 

1. I get jealous of pretty girls who are on TV when me and my bf are watching it. I KNOW I am being ridiculous and I hate it Especially when they are in swim suits. I had to stop watching Nip/Tuck with him because of the gorgeous women and Entourage because there are always hot chicks on the screen.

 

2. I get jealous when we are at a bar/club and there are go go dancers, pretty girls around. It will literally ruin my evening and Im constantly checking to see if he is checking them out!

 

3. I get jealous of pretty girls everywhere! At restaurants, movies, anywhere. Even if he is not with me and I see a pretty girl Im like "oh Im so glad he is not here to see her."

 

4. He orders Maxim magazine. I get so jealous because the girls are so pretty and half naked in there. I hate the fact he is looking at other women. Good thing he doesnt order Playboy

 

I am a pretty girl, and I do admit I am insecure. I model, have a great body but I can not for the life of me explain why I am the way I am.

 

Its killing me! It's ruining our relationship. We are moving to Florida (Clearwater Beach) soon and he wants to bartend and all I can think about is the women in bikini's everywhere, the big chested blonde haired women. I know Im being selfish, insecure, etc. and not normal but I envy the girls who can look at Maxim's with their guy and not even think twice about the ladies.

 

Thanks for listening guys

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This isn't about pretty girls. It's about YOU and your self esteem. Work on your self esteem. Remind yourself why you're so great. If you keep acting like this, you will push him away. People are drawn to those with confidence so you must work on putting effort into counteracting those thoughts.

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I'm the same as you but worse, I even got jealous of him talking to ugly girls (and by ugly, I mean fugly) or girls who wouldn't actually even flirt with him. It sucked because I kept checking on him on FB to see who he was talking to, and almost got to the point where I would want to check his phone but I didn't.

 

Ended up breaking up with him because I couldn't handle it. I think it's normal to be jealous to some extent but beware of how you express it. I would unconsciously start acting female-doggish around him and he would think I was PMS'ing or something along those lines. He never knew I was jealous even after we broke up. It was embarrassing to even mention it because most of it was in my head.

 

It's not that I'm insecure either, because like I said it was even ugly girls. I am just possessive and I can't help wanting him to be just mine. It's too late anyway but yes, beware of how you express it or it might make things weird. Try to work on it but I think the only way is professional help (I need that).

 

I need that or a really ugly and antisocial guy - lol.

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itsnotlove:

 

I totally agree, maybe that is the possessive part of me because I see that in other parts of our relationship. 98% of it has to do with other girls though. I hate him talking to other girls, even if it is a customer service girl over the phone or something. CRAZY I know. I think professional help is in order. I love him I dont want to push him away

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I know, I didn't push him away but at the time, I would just feel like acid was burning up in my stomach every time he talked to any girl. The worst part is that he had a female best friend, and I just wanted to kill her. She had her boyfriend and my ex and her wouldn't even talk that much after he and I started dating but I still just wanted her to go away. I didn't want to talk about it but I got too obsessed with the jealousy. I loved him but I hated the way I felt about him. I didn't want to make him feel like he was an object to me that I wanted to overprotect either. I might seek professional help too once I'm done healing with the break-up, and boy, it's been bad because I know it was all my fault. Poor guy didn't even know why I was breaking up with him.

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I know, I didn't push him away but at the time, I would just feel like acid was burning up in my stomach every time he talked to any girl. I didn't want to talk about it but I got too obsessed with the jealousy

 

Even if it's not been said or expressed, I'm sure he can pick up the vibe. People's emotions can give off vibes easily. You need to work on yourself for your own insecurity. Those jealousy are pointless. Either work on it or you'll lose him and possibly others after him until you get your insecurity under control. See a counselor or something. That goes to everyone that feels the same.

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itsnotlove:

 

Sometimes I have felt like breaking up with him because i can't take it anymore. Any one of my guy friends would say a girl was pretty I wouldn't care and secretly wished I could be the same way with my b/f. I think a lot of it is the media and stuff. I also found out he was going to strip clubs behind my back. He went over a year ago and i STILL can't get over it. It makes me so nauseous to think about it, and puts me in such a terrible mood ughhh.

 

But I hear what you mean about being obsessed with the jealousy. If you dont do something about it it gets worse before it gets better.

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Even if it's not been said or expressed, I'm sure he can pick up the vibe. People's emotions can give off vibes easily. You need to work on yourself for your own insecurity. Those jealousy are pointless. Either work on it or you'll lose him and possibly others after him until you get your insecurity under control. See a counselor or something. That goes to everyone that feels the same.

 

It's not an insecurity when it comes to me. He always told me I was the best he could ever have, that no other girl could ever make him feel like I did, and that he would never find someone like me. I am a very confident person, and everyone tells me it shows - sometimes a little too much. Anyway, even after we broke up, he told me anyone he could date would only be second best. I trusted him out of all people in the world, he was my best friend. I rarely trust people but it was easy opening up to him because like I said he would treat me like there was no other girl in the world. With that said, it wasn't even a trust issue.

 

The best explanation for the jealousy that a 'professional' could come up with as that my self-esteem was border-lining narcissism which meant that I thought the person I was with should make me the center of their universe; that's impossible. Said I see people as possessions rather than humans. Said I see relationships as my gifts to others and that they should be under my control.

 

I stopped going because I didn't like being told I was a narcissist but I see some truth in it. I'm not sure if that's even treatable but I took the easy route and broke up with him. I didn't want to hurt him or me in the process. It was time and soul consuming. And you're probably right about the vibes but you can control it to some extent. It's different to act like a psycho than giving 'off' a vibe.

 

 

itsnotlove:

 

Sometimes I have felt like breaking up with him because i can't take it anymore. Any one of my guy friends would say a girl was pretty I wouldn't care and secretly wished I could be the same way with my b/f. I think a lot of it is the media and stuff. I also found out he was going to strip clubs behind my back. He went over a year ago and i STILL can't get over it. It makes me so nauseous to think about it, and puts me in such a terrible mood ughhh.

 

But I hear what you mean about being obsessed with the jealousy. If you dont do something about it it gets worse before it gets better.

 

That's what sucks about my case. My ex wouldn't even go to strip clubs, all he wanted was his best friend, other girls he would practically ignore. I didn't mind the girls that were unattainable (celebrities or magazines) but still felt a little jealous. I was mostly jealous of the people that could physically get too close to him. If I had ever seen that, I would have probably flipped out of my mind.

 

It started it off really smoothly and then it escalated to a whole other level. It didn't feel healthy and I'm aware that it's not. But. I. Cannot. Control. It.

 

I understand your pain; I thought I was psycho. Glad to see there's someone else out there who feels the same way.

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itsnotlove:

 

Sometimes I have felt like breaking up with him because i can't take it anymore. Any one of my guy friends would say a girl was pretty I wouldn't care and secretly wished I could be the same way with my b/f. I think a lot of it is the media and stuff. I also found out he was going to strip clubs behind my back. He went over a year ago and i STILL can't get over it. It makes me so nauseous to think about it, and puts me in such a terrible mood ughhh.

 

Going to strip clubs behind your back certainly doesn't help your insecurity with pretty girls. He should have at least been open about going.

 

This is something you're definitely going to have to work on because getting jealous over media is not healthy. I know there are way prettier girls out there than I am (there is always someone that is going to be prettier no matter how gorgeous one is) but I could really care less about them because I know my fiance loves my personality and my core values. I know that no one is better for him than me.

 

It's not like these girls are going to try to take your man. Remember why your boyfriend is with YOU. Remember what it is that makes your special and unique. Good Luck!

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i remember how it felt to be jealous over silly stuff ... like celebrities and what not and how that insecurity really ruins a relationship.

 

but yeah looking at your picture you seem gorgeous, it does suck that the media has this standard of beauty and I feel like we are pressured to live up to it. Good looks really doesn't mean happiness : it seems that the more we hold on to these superficial things whether it be our own beauty of jealousy of other peoples looks it only leads us in pain or with negative emotions.

 

confidence is something I have been working on myself, I used to get unnecessarily jealous over stupid things and that ruined my relationship. I would compare myself to people all the time but I realized that comparing yourself isn't fair... mainly because you do not know who the person is and your already putting them in high regard. Besides I always admired women who was by media standards "average" but had tons of confidence .. theres that beautiful essence that radiates from inside and I think that's more important to grasp.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It triggers so much anger inside, I hate it. I dont know how to get rid of it. It's to the point I wont see Fast and Furious with him because of the pretty girls in it. This is frustrating and I feel so stupid sometimes !!!

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It triggers so much anger inside, I hate it. I dont know how to get rid of it. It's to the point I wont see Fast and Furious with him because of the pretty girls in it. This is frustrating and I feel so stupid sometimes !!!

 

Oh honey, you need to go to Eat N Park, have a Southwest burger and a fish cookie and chill out the hell out. You're placing both you and your bf in a total lose/lose no-win situation. He has to 100% prop up your ability to be happy and confident. If he doesn't 100% do your own work for you (because it is your work, make no mistake), then you basically spazz out and everything's a sleeper agent trying to muscle in on the source of your self-esteem.

 

That's what this is really about. That's why the reaction is so strong. You're terrified of actually having to grow as a person and be self-sufficient in the confidence department. Well, no time like the present, my dear, so it's time to start recognizing your own value, your own worth and not relying on your boyfriend for that. Do you know what kind of pressure that is to be 100% responsible for someone's happiness and self-image? How absolutely smothering that is? And that's what you're doing to him every day. And very soon there will come a day when he just can't take it anymore and he just up and leaves you unless you can get a handle on your emotions.

 

You look like a beautiful and sound like a capable young woman. So go be a beautiful, capable young woman and handle your s___.

 

And please, have some O fries for me. I miss them dearly!

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Thanks hexaemeron, you are right. I have really been banking on him for my own self worth. I truly believe I am beautiful around him until I see another girl on TV or on the street with him who is stunning. I don't have much confidence, in fact I never did. I was always a follower. It's frustrating because I wish I could be one of those girls who doesn't give a s___ if a naked chick is on tv and he sees it. It would make my life a lot better.

 

And whats worse, is we are moving to Florida in a month and Im not excited about being near the beach or anything all I can think about is all the girls in their binkinis and clubs!!! He will also be bartending and I think about all the pretty girls who will be around him all night

 

Maybe I need help from someone on these confidence issues, dont know where it came from.

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You can run from this relationship, you can turn off the television programs. Avoiding will not rectify the problem (although for the time being it might be best to not engage in such programming). Controlling the mind and rationalizing unhealthy emotions is by no means and easy feat that can be done in fifteen minutes time. However, it is very possible, and in instances such as this, vital.

 

When viewing a woman you deem as attractive, whether at a restaurant, or in a magazine, you are doing more than observing. You are judging - judging her, comparing yourself to her, bringing your boyfriend into the situation, even if he is not present. Your mind is all over the place. These women you see have absolutely NOTHING to do with you, NOTHING to do with your boyfriend, and NOTHING to do with your relationship. In spite of what you are telling yourself, that is the actuality of this situation.

 

So what you are going to have to do, is either hope it will pass with time and do nothing, or catch yourself every possible time these feelings arise. You have to deconstruct what is going on inside your head. "I'm feeling this way, why am I feeling this way? Do I want to feel this way, if not, what can be done to change my thinking?" Eventually you will have to learn to view people as people without ideas attached such as, "She's prettier than me," "Oh no, my boyfriend might be checking her out," "Why can't I look like that?" etc etc.

 

Here's an excellent site that illustrates (likely better) the aforementioned methodology:

link removed

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Thanks erase this face. You are right, definitely not something you can do in 15 min. This has consumed my life since I was little. Always comparing myself to the popular girls or who had something better than me. It sounds selfish, it IS selfish and I hate that I am the way that I am. In my perfect world my bf would think I am attractive only. I get angry that he finds other girls attractive, and I hate that he orders Maxim magazine. I seriously check to see who is on the cover of that thing even before they send them out (crazy right?!?). Thank you for the site I am definitely going to check it out.

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It doesn't matter in the end where it comes from (though it can help to fix it more easily knowing.) In the end, all you have to do is realize that your bf is making an active choice to be with you every day. Every time he wakes up and goes to bed and he's still with you. That's a choice. He sees the value in you. So stop punishing him AND yourself and see the value in yourself.

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From personal experience, there are three major reasons for jealousy...

 

1) When the bf/gf is more attractive than your previous bf/gf... When this happens, you are usually worried about keeping your bf/gf and will get protective over the relationship. We often measure ourselves based on who we date, so it's possible that you are self-esteem is lowered by dating previous less attractive bf/gf, thus resulting in insecurity with the current bf/gf.

 

2) When the bf/gf has access to more attractive girl/boy than you... This happens when you have a self esteem issue (it could be something as small as wishing to have blond hair or wishing to be taller). When you see your bf/gf with someone that you see as having certain desirable qualities that you lack, you will get jealous. This can be true even if you have far more OTHER qualities than the girl/boy in question.

 

3) The third type of jealousy comes from possessive thinking... For example, if you managed to land yourself a hot model gf or some stud bf, you might secretly get a giant ego boost from having this bf/gf; thus whenever your bf/gf acts friendly or interested toward someone else, it is as if you are SHARING your success or your power with another. It's kind of like you want people to see the bf/gf and be jealous of you because they can't get your bf/gf.

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John, those are some very true points. 2 and 3 directly relate to me. With my boyfriend bartending at the beach #2 definitely comes in to play. I have possessive thinking for sure (#3). I am proud to say my b/f is my b/f. When another girl talks t him or he talks to her I feel like we are sharing MY success of what I believe is a pretty successful relationship with my guy. I like to be his, his one and only blah blah. The thing is, I talk to another guy and think nothing of it. If I see an attractive guy I may think wow he is good looking but not think about sleeping with him. I think the opposite about guys, when they see an attractive girl or bikini model they fantasize about sleeping with them and how I would be different from them.

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I don't think this is really a relationship problem as much as a self confidence / insecurity issue. The problem you are faced with (Murphy’s Law) is that this is such a huge issue in your relationship that it becomes the centre thereof. Instead of concentrating on all the good aspects of your relationship making it fun for both parties you are causing it to become a huge issue. Does he make you feel beautiful? Does he compliment you every now and then (Too many compliments also causes this effect as it lowers the value of a compliment). It’s like Dr Phill said a few years back. When your sex life is good, sex is 10% of you relationship. When sex is bad it overwhelms everything and becomes 90% thereof. Same principle applies. What you need to do is find your inner confidence; maybe read a book or two speak to a few people. Insecurity is a killer when it comes to relationships. You need to overcome your own insecurity and realize your selfworth.

 

Stephan

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Insecurities or not, it does not mean that ALL of your expectations are unreasonable. Of course, the whole worrying about every attractive woman that comes on the TV screen or that you see out in public is an issue you need to deal with and probably need therapy for (no offense) but not being OK with Maxim magazine isn't particularly unreasonable.

 

My partner has never been into that kind of thing thankfully, and over the years we've often talked about stuff like this and he honestly cannot understand men that are. For me, anything to do with the sex industry or sexualization of males or females is unacceptable - I even get rid of friends who are into that sort of thing. For me, it's mostly about morality, though yes, I do think it is wrong for either partner to fantasize about another. Want to see someone naked? Ask your partner. Want naked photos? Ask your partner. Why do you need to look at anyone else in that way? Why is it a necessity for you to do so or restrictive when your partner's not OK with it lmao?!

 

I suggest moving to Britain (where I actually am) and find yourself someone else. Men aren't quite as sex-obsessed and weird and don't think it's a 'basic male/human right' to look at naked ladies. Well, most of them anyway. At the same time however (as you rightly recognise in yourself) you DO have self-esteem issues that need work. It's about separating what's reasonable and unreasonable, what's realistic and unrealistic (and no being uncomfortable with strip clubs and porno is NOT unrealistic in the slightest) and dealing with your insecurities.

 

Sometimes it's a simple case of exposure. Why not try watching that Fast and Furious film or anything else that makes you uncomfortable in the female department? And remember this: chances are, all the attractive women you spend so much time focusing on (because you're worried about it) he probably hasn't even noticed.

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Many women are not okay with their guy looking at porn/Maxim/Playboy magazines. I'm not one of them but it's clear that you are. Maybe you should date someone who won't even look at pics of naked women.

 

You also have some self esteem issues. That's apparent.

 

Truth: People fantasise in their own mind. I admit to it myself. I know my BF does too. Doesn't mean that we love each other any less. It's normal to still recognise and appreciate the physical beauty in others when you're in a relationship. No cheating, of course, but it's perfectly human to still have those thoughts. I'm positive that your bf still has those normal thoughts when he sees hot girls. He's like everyone else.

 

You either need to work on your insecurity issues or date someone with no imagination or sex drive.

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Thank you all for your thoughts.

 

I get cosmo magazine and there are plenty of handsome men in there so I guess I am a hypocrite.

 

My bf is going to be bartending in Florida when we move to clearwater. I fear so many pretty girls will be surrounding him it makes me so uneasy sometimes.

 

How would you guys deal with a boyfriend bartender in a beach night club

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Thank you all for your thoughts.

 

I get cosmo magazine and there are plenty of handsome men in there so I guess I am a hypocrite.

 

My bf is going to be bartending in Florida when we move to clearwater. I fear so many pretty girls will be surrounding him it makes me so uneasy sometimes.

 

How would you guys deal with a boyfriend bartender in a beach night club

 

Your train of thought is confusing. Why aren't you worried when he goes grocery shopping? Or dog-walking, or anywhere? It's not like those places are any more safe from beautiful women. So really, if we follow your logic, you should be paralyzed with fear everytime he's not with you. Inside your apartment/house. With the TV and the computer off.

 

Sounds fun.

 

Cheating is a choice. It doesn't matter where he is or who he's around. If he's a good guy, he's a good guy. End of story. if he's trustworthy, THEN TRUST HIM.

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I agree with hex.

 

People can cheat anywhere if they have the character to do so.

If I were him, I'd be upset. Sounds like you think the mere sight of another female will send him into a sexual kick and he'll give stick his junk into anything. Do you really think that little or him?

 

Does he have female friends? Do you permit him to do so?

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