Met a guy... scared he may have a gf

[findinghope3]

So I decided for the first time since my breakup which was a few months ago to finally go on a date with a guy. It's been my first time on tinder (I'm a 21 female btw!) and most guys I matched with either didn't message or just wanted to hook up, shocking i know !

Anyway one guy in particular who I matched with messaged me something quirky about my bio and we hit it off. Eventually we started talking via text and he seemed really sweet and smart and I was very attracted to him. We decided to meet up and get drinks which was a few days ago. We had a great time and for the first time since the breakup my ex did not cross my mind once.

I promised myself I would hold off of sex but due to the drinking and feeling in the moment I ended up going back to him apartment and well..

So that was that. Then I decided to do some research also known as subtle stalking on his social media. So the only thing he gave me was his number and snapchat, but not his other platforms. I first found him on facebook and noticed he had profile pics/cover photos with a girl from like over the summer and people were commenting "aww cute couple" so I figured that was his ex. However when I scrolled over to her name I noticed that her cover photo is actually a photo of them from just like a month ago and it still is. So call me crazy but when my ex and I broke up after a few weeks we slowly deleted pictures of each other off social media. So maybe I see it differently but it's a bit strange that like a photo everyone sees?

Also, when we got this his apartment he was very adamant on me being quiet, and not just out of courtesy but it seemed like he wanted me to be invisible if that makes sense? And when we got to his place it was a friday night at like 11 so I don't think his roommates were sleeping. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

So to sum up this lengthy post. I want to continue dating this guy but I don't know how to ask him about the photos without looking like a crazy person and scaring him away

I know it's wrong to creep and now i see why

[Viceroy]

What you did it’s not wrong at all, you’re taking precautions which is smart .

 

You can’t directly ask about the pictures , figure out a way to bring it up indirectly, i read this cool article on Facebook, I would like to share it with you etc....

[findinghope3]

What you did it’s not wrong at all, you’re taking precautions which is smart .

 

You can’t directly ask about the pictures , figure out a way to bring it up indirectly, i read this cool article on Facebook, I would like to share it with you etc....

 

Thanks that would be helpful! It just feels like whatever i do will end badly :(

[Clio]

Tinder is predominantly a hook up app so, imo, if you are looking for a relationship, you are going against the odds and you need to lessen your expectations. In addition, you knew that sleeping with him before getting to know him was a bad idea, yet you still went ahead and had sex with him even though he was a stranger and you felt that he was trying to hide something (asking you to remain quite as if he was trying to hide you)? Did I read your post right? If yes, imo you need to identify what was wrong with that and learn from it for future situations. Your gut feeling is there for a reason. Asking questions BEFORE sleeping with someone is warranted. You were ok having sex with a stranger yet you are afraid to ask questions about his availability? You could simply send him a facebook request with no further comments and take it from there. If he doesn't add you could ask him why and so on. You are entitled to know his relationship status if you had sex with him.

[findinghope3]

1.Tinder is predominantly a hook up app so if you are looking for a relationship, you are going against the odds. 2.You knew that sleeping with him before getting to know him was a bad idea, yet you still went ahead and had sex with him even though he was behaving suspiciously asking you to remain quite as if he was trying to hide you? Did I read your post right? If yes, imo you need to identify what was wrong with that and learn for it for future situations. 3. You were ok having sex with a stranger yet you are afraid to ask questions about his availability? You could simply send him a facebook request and take it from there. You are entitled to know his relationship status if you had sex with him.

Hey! just to clarify your points lol

1. I completely agree that tinder is mostly for hookups and there are other ways to date but I had to start somewhere I suppose and I wasn't expecting much from it tbh as I was still healing from my breakup if that clarifies it.

 

2. I feel like it's fair to say that since he was on tinder I figured he was single. Also at the time I didn't really think too much about him telling me to keep quiet as I figured he just didn't want to be rude to his roommates, it wasn't until after the facebook incident I realized that maybe he was being too careful

 

3. It's not that I'm uncomfortable asking him questions it's just the way I found out. Had he been the one to request me on facebook I would have but since I was the one lurking I don't want to scare him off if he doesn't have a gf. Also I should add I don't want to add him since he never gave me his last name. I only found him because of luck with google. Also it was more of I was looking at the girl's page more than his since she was the one with the recent pic so that might creep him out to see that I'm "stalking" the ex.

 

I understand I have a right to know i just don't know how to do it without ruining everything

[Hollyj]

Of all the paces. I would not start with Tinder.

 

The dude has a gf. You should hold off on sleeping with people, so you can see who you are dealing with.

[Annia]

I know people who married people they met on tinder or who have been in a relationship with someone from tinder for years. But yes, many use it for hook ups.

 

As to the "stalking" when it comes to online dating I don't find it wrong to search a little and have precautions.

[SherrySher]

I would put money on the fact that he has a girlfriend and wanted a side piece. She no doubt is on a business trip or they are on a break or something is up but she is definitely not out of the picture.

 

Tinder is the cesspool for hookups/dating, so it's really no shocker.

[findinghope3]

So would it be best if I just ignore him?

Or should I straight up just ask him? I was kind of going to ask him to follow me on ig so that this way I can really see and have a reason to ask. If he has a gf I will totally bow out as cheaters disgust me but I don’t want to jump to conclusions

[SleepyOwl1969]

I think Tinder originated as a 'hookup' site, but I believe it has changed direction; not entirely, but there are people on there looking for relationships, you just have to weed them out.

 

As for your predicament, he could very well have a girlfriend, but if that isn't an area you have discussed before then I would just ask him. Doesn't mean he will be honest with you of course, but at least you gave him the opportunity to answer . Still keep your gymuard up. If your Spidey senses are still tingling then let him go before you get too attached.

[Wiseman2]

This isn't about how you met him, what app etc. This is about being recently broken up maybe a little lonely and randy and hooking up. Could happen in any real life setting any app etc. That's fine. However if you do hook up for those reasons try not to drag baggage into the situation with suspicion or over investing and then backpedaling. You don't have to ask about the photos, you just have to get to know him outside of the context of a drunken hookup.

 

What's done is done. You can't un-hookup. Playing detective at this point serves no purpose because the only thing that matters and the only thing you can do is decide what you want from here. You know nothing about him so trying to interpret what being quiet during a hookup at his place or what is on his social media means is a fools errand.

 

What else you can do is stop acting like this is a relationship and figure out if you want to continue dating him and on what terms. Casual sex? exclusive dating?, etc. You could start a battle in your head over this and rue the hookup and now develop all these conspiracy theories that you think you should confront him on or you could slow down and start dating/getting to know him.

due to the drinking and feeling in the moment I ended up going back to him apartment and well.. the only thing he gave me was his number and snapchat. we got this his apartment he was very adamant on me being quiet. I want to continue dating this guy but I don't know how to ask him about the photos.

[Jibralta]

Thanks that would be helpful! It just feels like whatever i do will end badly :(

 

I think it will end badly because he has a girlfriend, not because of anything that you did. Yeah, you slept with him, but that was before you knew about her.

 

Ugh. What a sneaky little slimeball. Do you really want to date him?

 

So would it be best if I just ignore him?

Or should I straight up just ask him? I was kind of going to ask him to follow me on ig so that this way I can really see and have a reason to ask. If he has a gf I will totally bow out as cheaters disgust me but I don’t want to jump to conclusions

 

Ask him if he has ig/facebook etc. If he lies, you'll have your answer. As for what you do from there, it doesn't matter as long as he's out of your life.

[SherrySher]

Yeah, at this point, what have you got to lose? Not only ask if he has a gf but ask to be friended on FB. If he acts weird on either account or won't friend you, end things.

[RedDress]

Has he tried to contact you since the hookup? Is this a problem yet? If he has a girlfriend, this might be a one-and-done situation anyways...

 

I would definitely let him be the one to pursue in this instance, especially since you have these doubts.

 

If he does pursue though and he asks you out again... I would just own up to it. Let’s be real - everyone Facebook stalks. It’s a stalking application. That’s why they have privacy settings and stuff. A lot of companies do it too when you apply for a new job. I don’t think you did anything wrong at all... public info is public info. It’s wise to google your dates, IMO. Did you try just searching Facebook on his phone number? Because if he inputted it into Facebook, you can often search on it.

 

I would just say “so... I did some googling...” and ask him outright.

 

If you had hacked into his accounts or something that would be an invasion of privacy... but looking at public info? Fair game.

 

Btw - I also think it’s fair game to ask him his last name since you’ve slept with him and know where he lives and stuff... so if you’re REALLY nervous about it, you can always split it into two conversations...

 

... but also, at the end of the day, Facebook often shows you people who may have looked at you (and I suspect people in your phone book?) under “suggested friends”... so... he may have seen your profile come up as well...

 

Just ask. You didn’t do anything wrong, IMO. No reason to conceal it.

[kamurj]

Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.