GF had a hard year, and my support led me to feel like a friend - please help.

[MattN]

Me and my SO are both 22 and have been together for almost 3 years, living together for 2 of those whilst at uni, and living together again now.

 

In all honesty the sex was incredible, we were both open to trying things so we didnt get bored and we were flirty and sexted when we werent together. The build up to our relationship was that we were mates, but there was the sense that it could always be more. The point im trying to make is we both found the other attractive and i couldnt imagine us thinking any different.

 

Don't get me wrong, im not an idiot, i get that sex life does diminish over time, but since we moved in together in July, we've had 4 sexual encounters and im losing my ing mind.

 

We didnt live together for a year, and in that year she lived with horrible people who bullied her and made her feel like . It was her final year of uni so she was stressed and felt like she had no one close to her becasue everyone had moved away from the city. She was upset almost every day and I was always there to comfort her, i came and saw her at the weekends but her room was next to the kitchen where her flat mates always were... not the best atmosphere...

 

That year came and went, but she always said how excited she was to live together again and after everything so was I! The difference now was that she had a job, out the door at 7am and back at 6am. She HATED this job, the hours killed her and shes a migraine sufferer so she often slept the second she got back, and a lot of the weekends she didnt have the energy to move which was understandable. I moved from trying to make the move and being flirty to cooking dinner and making her life stress free (her love language said she values quality time and acts of service), i thought spending an hour here and there would mean that she wouldnt have to, and that we'd have more time for us when an opportunity came.

 

She eventually quit that job, she loves her new one, shes back at 3pm and we have loads of time, her headaches have for the most part gone but still nothing picked back up.

 

We spoke about it and she said that she loves me and wants to be with me and is willing to work on it, but nothing is changing and its really affecting me. We have a great relationship in every other way, we've never cheated, we get on with each others familys, we laugh, have common interests and work out together, but the sexual spark is gone and it's making life hard (pardon the pun).

 

Sex and love are seperate things, cleaning the hob is part of living with someone and i know its appriciated, but when thats the only thing im getting down and dirty with it take its toll.

 

 

Talking about this doesnt seem to work - yeah you can both say that we need to make more of an effort to change things, but IMO sex is built on instincts and lust, not a conversation.

 

Has anyone else been in this situation and had any success or maybe some advice for what not to do?

 

Its almost valetines and im considering a last ditch attempt becasue im 22 and i do not want to be in a lustless relationship. I love her with all my heart but something has to change.

[nutbrownhare]

Looking at this post in conjunction with your previous one, I think the problem is that she's moving on and getting interested in other men, and is just losing the passion for you.

 

In all fairness, you were both still teenagers when you started your relationship. It just sounds that you started very young, and for her it's just fizzled out. If she had stopped flirty behaviour altogether, that would be one thing - but she doesn't seem to feel inhibited when contacting her co-worker.

 

You've done everything you can to preserve your relationship and improve it. If this process is going to work, it requires willingness from both parties and although she tells you she loves you and is willing to work on it, there's nothing in your post to suggest this has translated into action. Unfortunately, you're considering a last ditch attempt for Valentine's Day in the hope of changing her behaviour, and this is very unlikely to work.

 

As you say, you're only 22 and don't want to be in a lustless relationship - and I don't blame you! - but that's exactly what you'll get if you stay with her.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. If it's any consolation you sound like a quality guy and I doubt you'll have problems finding another partner!

[MattN]

To be honest i know you're right. My past 2 posts have just been to gather opinion about what other people make of the situation.

 

Really appriciate the time taken to respond to me.

[nutbrownhare]

It's a very sad situation for you, but the feelings will eventually pass if you can walk away with your head held high. Don't make a big effort for Valentine's Day, or it's likely to leave you feeling even more empty and unhappy when she doesn't reciprocate.

 

(((HUGS)))

[DancingFool]

Another one for you guys got together very young and at least one of you has now outgrown the relationship. Her eyes and mind are more into exploring other options. It's actually normal at your age and doesn't make her a bad person or anything. These kinds of relationships tend to end like this by either one person or both wanting to spread their wings more.

 

If she is serious about fixing things with you, then it's her who should be making v-day plans and showing an effort, not you. Take a step back and see if she even notices.

 

Personally, I think you two need to end things before this becomes more messy and drawn out. While you still respect each other.

[Andrina]

Sexual compatibility should be a must-have for you. It could be the good sex happened in the honeymoon period and now you're seeing the real her. She either has a low libido or is fading away from you in plans to eventually start up with someone new. You've done all the right things in an effort to get things to where you want them to be, and it didn't work. At least you knew you tried before throwing in the towel. I'd flat out tell her you can't live the rest of your life like this, and make your exit. You sound like a caring person who will make a great partner to someone who is worthy of you. Good luck.

[maew]

Its almost valetines and im considering a last ditch attempt becasue im 22 and i do not want to be in a lustless relationship. I love her with all my heart but something has to change.

 

At your age this is a very fair statement... my guess is that if she is pulling back physically it's likely that she is making a move to end the relationship at some point... she may be reluctant to do so because she cares about you and appreciates the things you do for her.

 

You get to decide what works for you in relationships and if this isn't working for you, and she is unwilling to do anything except talk about it, then it might be time to let it go and move on.