Is this OK behavior?

[Wally1066]

I recently broke up with my GF of ~5 years. We had had a long distance relationship for much of that time. A bit over a year ago we moved to the same state, though not the same city. I moved here largely at her urging -- I was just beginning graduate school, and I had been planning on going somewhere else, but she convinced me that we needed to be near each other. So I moved to be near her and she started giving me the cold shoulder as soon as I get here. I was not allowed to meet her friends, and within six months of moving here I get dumped.

 

This is, to be honest, not really a surprise. Going into this I figured that the odds that we would still be together in a year were not good -- certainly less than 50/50-- but I had invested a lot in the relationship and I wanted to try. But I don't think that I have a problem with getting dumped per se. But I really feel ill-used at HOW she dumped me. We had plans for one weekend just before the breakup -- she was going to come down for the weekend. She did not show. I called her roommates and they both claimed to have not seen her in a couple of days. At this point I was completely freaking out -- I was convinced that she had been murdered or something terrible. (I found out later that she had asked her roommates to lie and say that they hadn't seen her if I called.) Four or five days later I get a call in the middle of the night (like seriously 3:00am --- I was sound asleep). She is calling from a pay phone in a city ~1000 miles away (the town where she went to college, and where her previous BF lives). She tells me that we are breaking up. She won't answer any questions. She won't let me talk about it. She says that she decided to do it over the phone because (direct quote) "I don't want to deal with some big ugly scene."

 

So I am in need of a little perspective here, because I am in no position to be objective. Getting dumped sucks, and intellectually I know that the dumpee (me) ALWAYS thinks that the dumper (her) is the devil. But seriously even given that I feel like her behavior is terrible. After 5 years and moving halfway across the country at her request, I feel like I deserved a face-to-face breakup, or at least a few minutes to talk about it.

 

So I honestly want to know what you all think. On a scale of 0 to 10 (0 meaning that I am being a total snowflake, 10 meaning she is a demon-spawn from Hell) how acceptable/bad is her behavior here? I really want your honest opinions here -- I won't lie, I am hoping for more 10's than 0's, but if I am being overly sensitive I really want to know.

 

Thanks in advance for your replies.

[chitown9]

What difference does it make. Move on....chi

[Hollyj]

She's a 10!

 

Next time, date local. LDRs do not work.

[junebug123]

I was just beginning graduate school, and I had been planning on going somewhere else, but she convinced me that we needed to be near each other. So I moved to be near her and she started giving me the cold shoulder as soon as I get here.

 

I had invested a lot in the relationship.

 

Reading all of this screams 1 thing to me. Sunk cost fallacy. Its this premise of making an investment, losing and rather than walking away and accepting the lost you keep doubling down hoping that you can somehow break even.

 

Really this is more of a reflection on you as an individual as less on her and her own behavior. I don't want to come across sexist or anything but it seems like she met a higher status male and monkey branched. This is typical female behavior, you can look up everything I am saying btw.

 

So yeah, I don't mean to say that all women are like this and men do this as well with younger and more attractive women all the time. Its just reality and sometimes it sucks. Take a moment and think about the whole situation, rather than focusing on yourself, you put yourself in a vulnerable situation by moving to a location based on someone else's needs.

 

This can only end in 1 of 2 ways, either it works out or it fails. However, you're the one throwing the dice, why blame them for not falling in your favor. Walk away accept the lost and move on. I feel like this experience will make you thinking less of women but just remember this is human nature. Think if you asked someone to move to some location for you and then realized you met someone else, would it be reasonable for you to put your life on hold because of a decision they made?

[MissCanuck]

Her behaviour was certainly not what most would consider acceptable.

 

However, I am curious how a poll to assess just how bad we think it is will help you. What does that do to promote your healing and moving on?

[Hollyj]

" This is typical female behavior, you can look up everything I am saying btw."

 

What a bunch of crap! Both sexes do this and it has nothing to do with age or attractiveness! Gender generalizations are unacceptable!

[eldasensei]

*gets popcorn*

[DanZee]

It sounds perfectly normal to me . . . for your typical Internet relationship. Look, Internet dating attracts all kinds of people with psychological problems. And a lot of people who prowl the Interwebs aren't capable of carrying on a traditional relationship. And these internet relationships are half fantasy and half reality for these people. And when reality intrudes on the fantasy, they flip out. And I think that's what happened to your girlfriend. Even though you moved closer to her at her urging, she couldn't psychologically handle it. And unfortunately, polls show these kinds of relationships are getting more common. The younger Millennials and the up-and-coming Gen Z's prefer texting to talking, cuddling to sex, and dating in groups instead of being alone. A lot of people are pushing their extended childhoods and innocence into their mid-20s and even further.

 

So, look, finish up your education. Block her, delete her and erase her, and move on. Look around school and find some nice girls to date and party with. Forget this relationship, it was doomed from the start.

[junebug123]

" This is typical female behavior, you can look up everything I am saying btw."

 

What a bunch of crap! Both sexes do this and it has nothing to do with age or attractiveness! Gender generalizations are unacceptable!

 

It's funny how you think I am making a generalization. Yet when you look at other primates and even other mammalian species you see the same behaviors. Is it because the male in the species has evolved to compete with the other males, in order to curry favor with the females in the hopes of spreading their genes?

 

Its obvious the most that females viability in terms of reproduction typically center around her younger years, this is because her fertility is at its peak. That is the reason men are attracted to females in the first place, healthy eggs. Men typically aren't going to trade one women for another based on their income because they are biologically attracted to females who can ensure the reproduction of their genes (healthy eggs).

 

While women are looking for security and resources. Once again this is typical in other species and other primates

[BreadStick]

She sounds completely selfish. So I would go a 9 if she did not cheat, and a full 10 if she did.

 

She convinced you to come live where she is, so SHE can feel better about your relationship. You agree. She then proceeds to ignore you and treat you badly, because SHE wants to not spend her time with you. OP, why did you not call her out on her bull? You let this woman treat you like crap. She then ghosted you and pulled her roommates with her, making you feel even more emotional pain. She is a child, selfish and does not care about anyone else but herself. You did your best, tried to save the relationship. Even though you knew there was a slim chance, which I find commendable. Lots of men and women would not have taken the plunge.

 

She has shown you WHO she is. Never doubt this, never for a moment think she would treat you better later, because she has shown you she has no respect for you. Lift your chin and leave, you are wasting your time on her, Let her be the problem of the other guy now. Likely she will leave him the same way or has done so.

 

Become the man you want to be OP, success is the best revenge. Let her play her meaningless games as you evolve and better yourself.

[nutbrownhare]

It's funny how you think I am making a generalization. Yet when you look at other primates and even other mammalian species you see the same behaviors. Is it because the male in the species has evolved to compete with the other males, in order to curry favor with the females in the hopes of spreading their genes?

 

Its obvious the most that females viability in terms of reproduction typically center around her younger years, this is because her fertility is at its peak. That is the reason men are attracted to females in the first place, healthy eggs. Men typically aren't going to trade one women for another based on their income because they are biologically attracted to females who can ensure the reproduction of their genes (healthy eggs).

 

While women are looking for security and resources. Once again this is typical in other species and other primates

 

Sure, I bet this is really helpful to the OP. Not.

[nutbrownhare]

An ex of mine ended the relationship a couple of days before Xmas, when I'd relocated 200+ miles to be with him, including giving up my job, had got rid of most of my furniture because there wasn't room for it in his place, and had rented out my own house - so had nowhere else to go either. I started 2012 like this, in a town where I knew hardly anybody and had no job. Because of the timing, it took longer than it should have done to find somewhere to live. Meanwhile he'd (try to) pick fights with me over my belongings that he wanted to keep.

 

Unacceptable? Yes. Was your situation unacceptable? Yes.

 

However, it's a situation which you have no choice but to accept.

 

What got me through it was sharing my experience with others. One unexpected silver lining was that people I'd viewed as friendly acquaintances turned out to be true friends when the chips were down, and even his friends were incredibly kind and supportive.

 

One route I never, ever, let myself go down was feeling like a Victim - because that will devastate your sense of self far more than any breakup would. I let myself know that the person I had been in love with did not exist, but was a persona he had been unable to sustain once we were living together.

 

So my advice to you is to look to the future, stop trying to get a bunch of total strangers on side, don't get sucked into any variant of "Ain't women awful" (which will just leave you feeling even more like a Victim), and work out where you go from here. You've left behind someone who didn't even have the integrity to talk to you face to face, so let yourself feel that. What you have lost is a pile of hopes and dreams which were not founded on any kind of reality, even though she convinced you they were - so chuck them overboard, and grieve for the loss. Someone who deals with difficult situations in this fashion is not someone who will bravely face all the **** that life throws at you.

 

As BreadStick says, success is the best revenge. She is an irrelevance to your life now, and treat her as such. Don't seek explanations, go completely NC and start over.

 

Good luck!

[bluecastle]

Great advice ^^.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through, truly. I know it hurts, and understand the urge to demonize when the pain is most acute.

 

But in the grander scheme holding onto bitterness, creating a narrative in which you were played by the devil, will not serve you at all. It will keep you feeling played, victimized, and odds are high that you'll carry that resentment over into new relationships and life in general. It's not a good look. It's not a good way to live. It's a way of finding comfort and power by, ironically, focusing on the ways you're disempowered.

 

Breakups suck, as you acknowledged. Mutual breakups, mature breakups, elegant breakups, toxic breakups, spineless breakups—they are all, in the end, kind of the same. No scale needed. You took a risk, tried to make something work—that's bold, that's a good quality. It didn't work—that's life. It's also information, and really the only information you need to move forward.

[reinventmyself]

" This is typical female behavior, you can look up everything I am saying btw."

 

What a bunch of crap! Both sexes do this and it has nothing to do with age or attractiveness! Gender generalizations are unacceptable!

 

never mind. . . .

[sputnik123]

I'm sorry this happened..

 

9 and a half.. (believe it or not, some people wouldn't have even called to tell you it's over!)

 

Chin up, it gets better.

[Wiseman2]

Do you like where you live now? Would you consider moving back to where you lived before? This maneuver alone warrants the devil woman award. Have you blocked her? If things don't turn out with her exbf she'll be back.

She is calling from a pay phone in a city ~1000 miles away where her previous BF lives. She tells me that we are breaking up.

[thisisrichey]

Her behavior acceptability? 0 (as in not acceptable)

YOUR behavior acceptability? 0 (as in not acceptable either)

 

to move to her state at HER urging, for SCHOOL (when you didn’t want to go there), when you gave it AT BEST 50% chance of lasting a year? Absolutely a ZERO move on your part.

 

So in the end... her behavior wasn’t acceptable, but neither was yours. And you should really just focus on YOUR behavior, not other people’s. You can control your behavior, you can’t control others is the reason.

[catfeeder]

Going cold would have been enough for me to want a breakup, anyway. Getting blown off and lied to would have confirmed that for me. So expecting or even WANTING more than the 3 AM phone call to 'talk about things' doesn't make much sense. I mean--what's left to talk about?

 

My best revenge would be to remind myself that she'll always need to BE her. I'd look into the school you really wanted and put a transfer in place to there or next best choice. I'd surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself.

 

Whatever you had with this person got mooted when she turned into a turd. That would be all the 'closure' I'd need. I'd consider her behavior as perfect reason to embrace this breakup and adopt resilience as my number 1 life skill.

 

My heart goes out to you, and head high. You dodged a bullet. You dodged it the hard way, but you still avoided investing any more of your future in someone who was nowhere near capable of giving you the love you deserve.

[Wally1066]

@catfeeder. Thanks. Great advice.

@thisisrichey Thanks, but I don't really agree. This wasn't my first choice of location, but it wasn't a bad option. I had assumed that she was asking me to move here in good faith. Wrongly, it turned out, but I didn't know that when I was making the decision. I don't see anything wrong with making compromises for a relationship as long as the other person is willing to do the same.

@nutbrownhare. Thanks. Sorry you went through this too.

@delacrank Thanks, I honestly appreciate your reaching out but I don't think that this kind of pseudoscience is very helpful. There are all kinds of primate strategies -- monogamy, promiscuity, harems, etc. I don't think that this tells us very much abut actual human relationships.

 

To everyone else who has taken the time to respond thank you.