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Why Don’t Women Ask Men Out ?


benderman

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Ever wonder why sometimes woman will flirt with you and then all of a sudden become cold or weird around you ?

Is it because they wanted the man to ask them out (or make a move) and he didn’t, so they’re acting cold around him to compensate for the perceived rejection ? Do women actually FEEL rejected when man don’t ask them out or “make the move” ????? ……and do they realize how "destroyed" a man may feel when rejected for his effort (when he was so sure that she wanted to see him again)

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Yes, it is because when all the flirting is done, it is the man that should ask the woman out. In most, not all, but most case the psychology of men toward a woman that ask him out will be he will go, but will quickly lose interests. Why? Simply because he was not interested enough in the first place to ask her out. He will give it a try and then ask out the woman he is really interested in enough to ask out. Who is usually someone he thought that maybe she was someone he could not get....It is tried, tested and backed by history, the man picks the woman. Any woman that does not let it play out this way has put herself in a high probability of being unsure of the man's interest and therefore not being herself to be cautious of doing something that will make him lose interest. A woman is more free when she know she has your interest no matter what and a guy is more attentive and interested when he works for her, work includes asking the woman out. Our job is to flirt and show interest your job is to close the deal..

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To be honest, I think more women would ask men out if women did not get burned with guys who weren't interested. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm saying that for my women friends who were clearly pursued by their husbands, the relationship is much happier. When it's the opposite, there have been more problems.

 

So I should be clear. I think both men and women can ask each other out for an initial hang out. But most women want men to initiate the pursuit of a relationship and they believe asking the other person out on the first date is part of that pursuit.

 

For the guy that I am interested in dating, I actually asked him to hang out first. Now that I have gotten to know him for a while, I can say that he has needed MONTHS to figure out his feelings for me. I needed about 30 seconds after meeting him. So, when I stepped back and let him make his decisions about how he feels, it goes SO much better. When he asked me out, we went on the best date of my life. And in general when I let the guy initiate dates/hang outs are so much better because he is much more engaged. That's my personal experience.

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There are some cases where I would ask a guy out. If I had reason to believe we had a lot in common and he needed to get to know me better I would. If I was really interested in somebody I probably would as well. Just casually though, I agree to some extent with PrincessBOT, but mostly I just have enough dates or boyfriends that I don't think to ask them out.

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As far as rejection when it comes to this, men's testosterone and psychology due to nature and the way they are bought up are better equipped to deal with this type of rejection and be less affected. Little girls are more sheltered from these types of rejection and don't deal with them as well, it brings into question her whole self image and worth after a few, whereas a man knows it's a numbers game, keep on moving....maybe not all, but most men I would think realize this. If not toughen up....no who would tell a women to toughen up...

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……and do they realize how "destroyed" a man may feel when rejected for his effort (when he was so sure that she wanted to see him again)

 

If anyone, male or female, is that destroyed by a rejection of someone he/she is not even in a relationship with, then I would say there is a bigger problem at hand.

 

It doesn't matter why other people do or don't do something- what matters is what *you* do and what steps you take to get the things you want out of life.

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Thus the reason I said "A woman is more free when she know she has your interest no matter what and a guy is more attentive and interested when he works for her, work includes asking the woman out. Our job is to flirt and show interest your job is to close the deal.."

 

Women who have this attitude tend to have a princess complex. Your avatar is thus not all that surprising to me.

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I usually back of if I get the feeling the guy isn't interested or didn't reciprocate. Or in some instances, I just realize he isn't my type so I don't bother.

 

I have asked out a guy before, he said yes..and we dated...didn't live happily ever after. But women ask men out.

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I have flirted to see if he flirts back when I want a date. If he doesn't flirt back, then I assume he's not interested.

 

Don't forget, there are some people out there (guys and girls) who are on the shy side and simply don't see flirting for what it is when it happens.

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Women who have this attitude tend to have a princess complex. Your avatar is thus not all that surprising to me.

 

Men who don't see this as the natural order of things usually have a very shallow nature. So your name FathomFear or fear of depth and your dark avatar are not all that surprising to me.

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Men who don't see this as the natural order of things usually have a very shallow nature. So your name FathomFear or fear of depth and your dark avatar are not all that surprising to me.

 

My point was, which I really didn't feel like elaborating on at the time, was that women in our society are unfortunately raised to regard themselves as princesses--ie, the "prize". This leads to a mindset which leads them to believe that they should be pursued and "earned". Dates paid for them, flowers, all that jazz. You can attempt to justify this attitude with some sort of ridiculous double-reasoning that straight guys must initiate and ask women out to express their interest (whereas women are mysteriously excluded from this expectation) but ultimately that's what it comes down to.

 

And on top of that, you only need to Google "The History of Dating" to get a larger view of how patriarchal conventions have shaped this. It really wasn't all that long ago in our society where most relationships were arranged and women were regarded as property. Why any of us, especially women, would want to perpetuate these kinds of traditions is absolutely beyond me. We really shouldn't convince our recent history with the "natural order".

 

Due to my sexual orientation I luckily will not have to deal with women who have these kinds of expectations, but I can think of a considerable number of straight female friends I know personally who are doing rather well for themselves without every having to see themselves this way. I have on friend, for example, who not only did the asking out originally--she also proposed to him. And they have been married six years now and are easily the most happy and compatible couple I know.

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To be honest, I think more women would ask men out if women did not get burned with guys who weren't interested. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, I'm saying that for my women friends who were clearly pursued by their husbands, the relationship is much happier. When it's the opposite, there have been more problems.

 

I don't think you can generalize like this. In our culture, more asking is done by men than women. So, naturally, there will be more success stories where the man asked the woman out. But, I don't think a guy asking a girl out makes rejection any less likely. (I mean, I've asked probably 12 girls out in my life, and at least 8 have turned me down -- and I never cold approach.) Most relationships end... most don't even get off the ground. Look at the countless stories of men on this board who have had their egos crushed because of rejection after rejection. That's just the way it goes.

 

We all fear rejection. And we wouldn't ask if we didn't think we had a chance. I have to agree with FathomFear, and attribute women not asking due to this so-called "princess complex" -- fearing rejection, and thinking they're too special to have to deal with it. Why should a girl put her ego on the line, when, if she waits long enough, she won't have to? I think it boils down to women being a bit more patient/stubborn and men being more impulsive by nature.

 

I agree that in this culture men are more prepared to face rejection. But, that doesn't make the rejection hurt any less for men. It's like saying someone with more callouses on his hands should do more work, because his hands will hurt less -- that doesn't consider how he got those callouses in the first place.

 

Now, I've been asked out by women before. In all three cases, these were very desirable women -- they were kind, intelligent, successful, attractive, and very popular. Each had men lined up, and so I think that made them more capable of dealing with potential rejection. And in two of the three cases, we ended up dating.

 

Anyways, point is, I believe the answer to the OP is that women fear rejection just the same as men, and I believe that women not asking men is nothing less than a double standard.

 

And for the record, I'm not complaining. I still face rejection and ask women out because, well, that's just what I have to do. Oh well.

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I have noticed that you say in almost every thread about this subject that women are raised to regard themselves as princesses, especially interesting coming from someone who is not a woman. I wasn't raised that way, nor were any of my friends. I was raised to value myself, not to jump into sex before I was ready, not to settle down with an incompatible partner, to be happy, to feel confident, and to be self-sufficient while learning how to be interdependent on loved ones. I don't see princess in there for me personally.

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Most relationships end... most don't even get off the ground.

 

We all fear rejection. And we wouldn't ask if we didn't think we had a chance.

 

I agree that in this culture men are more prepared to face rejection. But, that doesn't make the rejection hurt any less for men. It's like saying someone with more callouses on his hands should do more work, because his hands will hurt less -- that doesn't consider how he got those callouses in the first place.

 

Most relationships do end. Rejection hurts everyone. True.

 

My point is that in my observation, the relationships that went all the way to commitment (marriage) are happier when the guy was the pursuer.

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About two years ago, I asked a new guy friend of mine out to see a movie, with intention of it being a date, and what does he say? "Yes I'd love that! Can I take a friend with me?" So my "date" idea ended up as little group get together, but I still had fun. The whole, "Men pursue, women flirt," concept is ingrained in our brains, and I sometimes feel bombarded by it by the people around me who have more traditional views of dating, so I think it can be easy to assume that I magically turned this guy off by inviting him to a movie. But when I look back on it, the guy never really showed interest in me beyond friendship. I didn't turn him off, he just wasn't into me. It was very nerve wracking for me to ask this guy out, but I'd do it again if I feel comfortable enough with the guy.

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I have noticed that you say in almost every thread about this subject that women are raised to regard themselves as princesses, especially interesting coming from someone who is not a woman. I wasn't raised that way, nor were any of my friends. I was raised to value myself, not to jump into sex before I was ready, not to settle down with an incompatible partner, to be happy, to feel confident, and to be self-sufficient while learning how to be interdependent on loved ones. I don't see princess in there for me personally.

 

I didn't say that all women see themselves as princesses, nor do I wish to come accross as saying it's a universal truth. It is, however, extremely common. You only need to look at how kids are raised, the toys little girls are generally encouraged to play with, etc.

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sometimes flirting doesnt mean she likes you.if she likes you,then she's aready showed her interest-by flirting. now it's your turn to show response.interested?-ask her out. uninterested?-make no moves

so if you dont reciprocate,she can project you as uninterested.then it's unlikely she'll keep going all the way. and an uninterested person will want her to go away anyway.

 

but in reality,there are women asking men out anyway. and there are women stalking men around as well lol

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sometimes flirting doesnt mean she likes you.if she likes you,then she's aready showed her interest-by flirting. now it's your turn to show response.interested?-ask her out. uninterested?-make no moves

so if you dont reciprocate,she can project you as uninterested.then it's unlikely she'll keep going all the way. and an uninterested person will want her to go away anyway.

 

but in reality,there are women asking men out anyway. and there are women stalking men around as well lol

 

Ok, that I can buy. If I understand correctly, you're saying that a girl wants some sort of sign that the guy is interested before she makes the move to ask him out. And, maybe maybe some guys don't need that. (Some guys fill themselves with the delusion that every girl is flirting with them, after all.) But, many guys still want the same. The difference may be that women are better at communicating interest early on?

 

The thing is, flirting is a form of communication, and it's only as strong as its weakest link.

 

About two years ago, I asked a new guy friend of mine out to see a movie, with intention of it being a date, and what does he say? "Yes I'd love that! Can I take a friend with me?" So my "date" idea ended up as little group get together, but I still had fun. The whole, "Men pursue, women flirt," concept is ingrained in our brains, and I sometimes feel bombarded by it by the people around me who have more traditional views of dating, so I think it can be easy to assume that I magically turned this guy off by inviting him to a movie. But when I look back on it, the guy never really showed interest in me beyond friendship. I didn't turn him off, he just wasn't into me. It was very nerve wracking for me to ask this guy out, but I'd do it again if I feel comfortable enough with the guy.

 

I'm sorry about that situation. I've been there before, except she didn't ask if she could bring a friend -- she just did. But, I really admire your attitude! When it comes to picking up signals that a girl is interested, I'm pretty much useless. I try, and sometimes I get it right. I still ask women out. And, sometimes I get it wrong. But, it is so much easier when a girl is at least willing to ask a guy out. Even if it's something simple like, "Hey, maybe we should meet for lunch someday." That's enough to get the ball rolling, and communicate interest without scaring anyone away. It just seems that many girls are still reluctant to do even that, which doesn't make things easier for anyone.

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