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Questioning One's Own Relationship


katrina1980

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Hey guys, I am a bit troubled by something I just read and wanted to get your thoughts about it.

 

I just finished reading and responding to the thread from a woman who just discovered her boyfriend of three years was engaging in sexual messaging and possible sexual activity with other women during their entire three year relationship and prior.

 

Prior to discovering this (she didn't snoop, apparently a woman he had been sexting with messaged her), she had no clue and thought everything was fine!

 

Anyway, not sure why but I am very troubled by this, and it's making me wonder about my own boyfriend now!

 

I have no reason to believe he's doing anything even remotely related to this and trust him with all my heart, but so did the women posting!

 

And then there are all these true story documentaries I watch and read about, discussing women who also trusted their boyfriends/husbands and thought everything was fine, but then discovered their bf's were living some sort of double life, all related to having relations with other women.

 

"Dirty John" was a true story I watched not too long ago about this very thing. Gawd, that was super troubling!

 

Anyway, my questions are (1) what to do with these troubling thoughts, and (2) is anyone else ever bothered by what they read on message forums and other social media, and if so, does it carry over into your current relationship, causing you to doubt?

 

I also question it a little bit, because I was so in love with my ex, I lived in sort of a never-never land for many years, believing we were madly in love and everything was perfect (we were even planning our wedding), only to discover he was a serious drug addict during most, if not all, of our relationship.

 

I tend to be a very anxious person in general, I do manage it well by doing Yoga, running, eating right, etc but can't seem to shake these thoughts sometimes.

 

Any advice about this would be very much appreciated!

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I guess it's one of those moments where you ask yourself is there any truth to any of this? Is there anything remotely off that you can put your finger on?

 

I'll bet if you were ask the poster you referred to the same thing, she'd probably respond with something, that in hindsight she dismissed.

 

You can't live in fear of `what if's'

 

You are smart enough to know how to take care of yourself and act on your own behalf. Getting jitters once in a great while is ok and to be expected. Just shake it off and find some comfort knowing that you aren't so easily fooled and it's ok to take your pulse once in while.

 

Check, check. Now shake it off.

 

*remind yourself that this forum is not a snapshot of the general consensus, but rather people that come with here with their troubles and craziness. Us included :)

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I can't imagine that I would be in a relationship with someone and not know that there was even a tiny disconnect between us. When a man loves you, he behaves in a certain way that demonstrates affection, loyalty, admiration, and joy in your presence.

 

I'd like to think that you can't fake that sort of thing. Too many women, I think, involve themselves in relationships that aren't not 100% committed, and they are content to continue until they discover that there are outside influences.

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This might be a bit off-sounding but not meant to be. What I'm trying to say is not feeling comfortable all the time might not be a bad thing. You should understand that life can change and good people can change with it. Not everything is certain. Only change is. I am married now but I can't tell you if things will always go well in the same way I can't tell you when I'm going to kick the bucket or when our time to go is. We can't always be sure about everything and that's the one thing you'll have to embrace or learn to with some grace. It comes with accepting that we can't control everything.

 

What you can do is focus more on what you have with your partner rather than what you might not have. If you have a good bond (trust each other), focus on that. Leave everything else to the universe because you have to accept that there's a lot out of your hands and many things that you cannot predict or change. Yes, I know this sounds kooky but from one anxious person to another, this just my two cents. You're a great person, Katrina. I think any man would be lucky to have you in his life.

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This is what my mother called "borrowing trouble".

 

What if, what if. What if you walk out your front door and an anvil falls on your head? Should you refuse to leave home? What if the pastries you bought are infected with botulism? Should you stop eating?

 

Living your life in fear is no life at all.

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Thanks guys, and thank you Rose, your comment about me being a great person and my bf is lucky to have me was a very nice (and comforting thing to say). xx

 

I know it's just my anxiety rearing it's ugly head; my bf and I have started discussing moving in together, perhaps someday having a child; I'm beginning to feel very attached to him emotionally and I suppose it's all just making me a bit nervous. Taking that next serious step.

 

@reinvent, I think you're right about that other poster knowing or at least suspecting something may have been amiss, I mean even with my ex, in retrospect, I knew something wasn't quite right but buried my head about it.

 

With my current bf, I honestly can't say I suspect anything untoward going on, so somehow I will just have to manage these anxious thoughts when they arise and deal.

 

It's still troubling though, reading about these things, even if they're happening to others and not me.

 

My heart really breaks for them sometimes.

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I guess it's one of those moments where you ask yourself is there any truth to any of this? Is there anything remotely off that you can put your finger on?

 

I'll bet if you were ask the poster you referred to the same thing, she'd probably respond with something, that in hindsight she dismissed.

 

Yes to this. I hear so many on here say "our relationship was perfect" or "when it's good it's really good"... meanwhile completely dismissing things that are actually happening, anything from a little off to completely insane. Saw it twice just today. And did it myself when I was married. We see what we want to see and many people will hide or dismiss what they don't hoping they are wrong or that it will go away on it's own.

 

Point is... we should always have our eyes open, but that doesn't mean we need to manifest the worst case scenario as our reality. If there is something off, question it... otherwise let that mindset go and don't dwell on it.

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And I need to add this... we should always question our relationships. Question whether we are treating them the way we would want to be treated... whether we are doing what we need to do to maintain a loving foundation... whether we are reciprocating, communicating, initiating, and whether we are getting the same in return. My biggest mistake was always letting things stagnate and taking my relationship for granted. My bf and I talked about this last night... relationship goal 105: keep doing what we are doing now after the honeymoon phase wears off... dating, talking, being intimate, being physical, being spontaneous, because we both desire a healthy and strong relationship.

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Definitely second Maew's post #9. You seem like a very empathetic person too, Katrina. It's not always a bad thing. Sometimes filtering is difficult so taking a moment to yourself is not a bad idea also. Keep communicating with your boyfriend and enjoy getting to know each other. We change as individuals through time and keeping in touch also keeps the relationship alive.

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That's one of the scariest parts of being in a relationship, you make yourself vulnerable.

 

But we all do. You hope and pray that your loved one isn't doing things behind your back that they're not supposed to be, but all you can do is blindly trust.

 

Try not to concentrate on it too much though, it's easy to live in fear but it doesn't need to be like that.

 

Let the thoughts come and go, but try to not focus and worry so much. I know, easier said than done.

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Maybe it is good to give up true crime and reality TV if it works you up.

 

I thought of that too, but I just love it so much. It's what I do for living too, at least the legal aspect of it.

 

I just recently read about a case about a woman who was literally stood up at the alter.

 

The groom walked down the aisle, but he just couldn't say the vows. He finally blurted out he was sorry but he couldn't go through with it. Right there at the alter!

 

Woman filed a lawsuit for "breach of promise to marry” and "intentional infliction of emotional distress" apparently she spent A LOT of money on expenses, including a bridesmaid luncheon, handmade menus, calligraphy services, and wedding planner fees.

 

She is experiencing panic attacks, PTSD, and she's no longer able to trust men or having relationships with them.

 

I am not sure what the outcome was, whether she won the case or not, but can you imagine?

 

Standing at the alter with your fiance by your side and him announcing to you and everyone there he "can't do this"?

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but can you imagine?

 

Standing at the alter with your fiance by your side and him announcing to you and everyone there he "can't do this"?

Easily lol

 

I also believe it would be beneficial to cut down on TV shows

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I thought of that too, but I just love it so much. It's what I do for living too, at least the legal aspect of it.

 

I just recently read about a case about a woman who was literally stood up at the alter.

 

The groom walked down the aisle, but he just couldn't say the vows. He finally blurted out he was sorry but he couldn't go through with it. Right there at the alter!

 

Woman filed a lawsuit for "breach of promise to marry” and "intentional infliction of emotional distress" apparently she spent A LOT of money on expenses, including a bridesmaid luncheon, handmade menus, calligraphy services, and wedding planner fees.

 

She is experiencing panic attacks, PTSD, and she's no longer able to trust men or having relationships with them.

 

I am not sure what the outcome was, whether she won the case or not, but can you imagine?

 

Standing at the alter with your fiance by your side and him announcing to you and everyone there he "can't do this"?

 

OK ,but how is any of this stuff helping you ???

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Easily lol

 

I also believe it would be beneficial to cut down on TV shows

 

The truth is I don't watch all that much TV. I even disconnected my cable, as I hardly watch TV and it's super expensive.

 

I mostly watch movies and documentaries I can access on Amazon and YouTube now, saves me about a $100 per month.

 

It's the true crime stuff I LOVE mostly, the dark stuff. In fact I am currently waiting to receive my DVD from Netflix about Ted Bundy!

 

But yeah, it would probably be best to try to wean myself off it since it affects me so much.

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Check out Life in Pieces on Netflix. Tattoobunnie posted something about it the other day and I responded. It's hilarious... and not dark!

 

I'm a fan of darker humour also. There's another Brit show I watch called Flowers, also on Netflix, and it's a witty and creative take on dealing with depression (a rather intellectual Edgar Allan Poe type of feel). The protaganist is an author suffering from depression in a rural town and the ups and downs with his family. I find it tasteful and quite funny. Touches on some sensitive topics without being entirely stupid about it.

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I think you need to back off from the TV for a bit . TV shouldn’t cause doubt in your partner .

 

Fictional TV doesn't trouble me S, in fact I don't even watch that.

 

It's the true crime documentaries and movies that I love, the dark.

 

I dunno, I suppose I have a love/hate thing going with it, so somehow I am just going have to mentally reconcile this within myself and continue to manage my anxiety best I can.

 

Truth is, you see it everyone, on the news, people talking about it out and about, reading about these things on forums like this!

 

In fact, it was the thread I read today that triggered all this.

 

Anyway, thanks guys, your posts have been very helpful!

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Check out Life in Pieces on Netflix. Tattoobunnie posted something about it the other day and I responded. It's hilarious... and not dark!

 

I'm a fan of darker humour also. There's another Brit show I watch called Flowers, also on Netflix, and it's a witty and creative take on dealing with depression (a rather intellectual Edgar Allan Poe type of feel). The protaganist is an author suffering from depression in a rural town and the ups an downs with his family. I find it tasteful and quite funny. Touches on some sensitive topics without being entirely stupid about it.

 

Thanks! I will definitely check those out! :D

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Fictional TV doesn't trouble me S, in fact I don't even watch that.

 

It's the true crime documentaries and movies that I love, the dark.

 

I dunno, I suppose I have a love/hate thing going with it, so somehow I am just going have to mentally reconcile this within myself and continue to manage my anxiety best I can.

 

Truth is, you see it everyone, on the news, people talking about it out and about, reading about these things on forums like this!

 

In fact, it was the thread I read today that triggered all this.

 

Anyway, thanks guys, your posts have been very helpful!

 

I love all that stuff too, but it doesn’t make me doubt my husband. You have to separate who he is from the crap on tv .

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It’s easy to get caught up in the what if’s! Especially when things are too good to be true.

 

It’s human nature to know nothing is perfect and we aren’t the exception.

 

It’s also not easy to have blind faith when your hearts been hurt before.

 

I think you just need to put trust that your boyfriend is a good guy and if anything were to happen it’s not the end of the line. There is always someone better if the one you’re with isn’t meant to work out.

 

Lisa

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You work in an environment that deals with people's troubles and the majority of posts on this forum are about predicaments, too. So it's easy to get discouraged when you hear a lot about breakups, infidelity and so on. Still, there are successes. Many of them. We don't even have to look that far. We can find some beautiful success stories amongst the members that help OP'ers with their quandaries. For example, the enotalone members that have been married for a very long time.

 

Some other great news on that topic. It was mentioned in an interview recently that Irwin Winkler has been married for sixty years! SIXTY, despite all the difficulties they faced. How incredible is that!

 

His answer as to what made their marriage last 60 plus years in a very volatile industry was: "We just love each other. We started with nothing, which I think maybe is part of the built of a relationship and we just love each other. It's as simple as that." Later he mentions:"Basically you really have to care about the person next to you and think if you are married or in a relationship for a long period of time that that person is sharing everything with you, everything in your life with you and it's as important as your life yourself. There's no separation between the two."

 

I honestly admire such people. They show us that having a fulfilling long-term marriage is possible. Yeah, it's work but it's possible. Finding someone with the right values for that to happen is also possible!

 

 

Anyhow, Katrina, I truly hope that you find what your heart desires!

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This is what my mother called "borrowing trouble".

 

What if, what if. What if you walk out your front door and an anvil falls on your head? Should you refuse to leave home? What if the pastries you bought are infected with botulism? Should you stop eating?

 

Living your life in fear is no life at all.

Nailed it.

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