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Is this normal? If not, is there anything I can do about it?


Applewhite

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I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now (me 32, him 38 ). The relationship is getting serious and we talk about a future together etc. We mostly get along and if there are bumps we are able to talk, resolve them, get stronger and move on.

 

I'd like to know if the way I feel about something is the way most people would feel or if it is an insecurity in me that I should deal with.

 

The time we spend together without interruptions is very special to me. During this time I'd like to talk, touch, laugh, interact, do something together, have sex etc. While we do sometimes do these things I feel like most of our time together is "tainted" with him watching TV (often something I am not even interested in. I don't like TV much anyway), paying a game on his phone or xbox etc.

 

For example last night he was going to stay over - he brought his toy drone with him. Played with that, watched TV - I sat there "watching" then just turned around and slept at one point. After I sleep he initiated sex. Then I went to bed around midnight. He came to bed almost 2 hours later, and again initiated sex after I'd left his side alone for a couple of hours.

 

He is a romantic, dedicated guy that seems to value our relationship and my happiness. However I feel like I do not get enough attention during our time together but can't decide if it's just me or if this would seem odd to you guys too.

 

If his behaviour is indeed the norm, I don't know what I should do during the time we set aside to spend together and he watches TV, plays on his phone, with his drone etc. Should I be playing a game on my own too? Read a book, etc? Then how is this our time?

 

In case it is relevant, there was one time I suggested we leave the TV off when he comes here and that was something that totally changed his mood for the worse to the point he ended up leaving! Also before him I didn't even have a TV subscription, I basically got it for him.

 

As a final note this is not a general relationship issue but more contained in relation to spending free time together. He is very attentive from a general perspective. He will do very nice things for me like help me with chores if I am overwhelmed, take me out, assemble furniture for me, help me with anything if I need him emotionally or otherwise. The usual attentive boyfriend stuff. I trust him and have no doubts about his attraction, interest, commitment to me.

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I'm rather confused by your post. You say that he is attentive and romantic, helps you with things, does things, etc. Then you say that he just comes over, watches tv, ignores you, wakes you up to have sex and then leaves. That doesn't sound like attentive or romantic at all. So which is it? Also, how often do you see each other?

 

I mean if you see each other 5 days a week, then it's normal for you two to actually engage in other things - tv, games, etc. There is only so much undivided attention you can give to each other.

 

It's hard to tell from your post what is actually going on.

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Sorry to hear this. 5 mos of dating is a bit too soon to talk about the future, etc. It seems there is too much time spent together that is random and pointless. Don't just invite him over to hang out for Netflix and chill and playing with toys, etc.

 

Go out on dates, plan them. Create an decent atmosphere if you invite him over...cooking together, eating, music, etc.. Stop baby sitting. Sadly after only 5 mos, what you see is what you get and that is poor planning, too much mindless hanging out, inconsiderateness and disrespect for your time, feelings and need for affection and decent adult company.

 

However, you've allowed this pattern to creep in by tolerating it and not countering it with well made plans for quality time. Strive for quality not quantity when it comes to time together. It seems he's gotten lazy and very complacent. But that's what 5 mos of dating is for to determine if what you see is what you want. Does he live at home? He acts like a teen, no?

 

Keeping silent and building resentment at this rudeness will implode eventually unless you take action, start planning things and stop the hang outs and tolerate his staying over playing with toys all night while you go to bed without meaningful interaction or sex.

5 months now me 32, him 38

For example last night he was going to stay over - he brought his toy drone with him. Played with that, watched TV - I sat there "watching" then just turned around and slept at one point. After I sleep he initiated sex. Then I went to bed around midnight. He came to bed almost 2 hours later, and again initiated sex after I'd left his side alone for a couple of hours.

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I'm rather confused by your post. You say that he is attentive and romantic, helps you with things, does things, etc. Then you say that he just comes over, watches tv, ignores you, wakes you up to have sex and then leaves. That doesn't sound like attentive or romantic at all. So which is it? Also, how often do you see each other?

 

I mean if you see each other 5 days a week, then it's normal for you two to actually engage in other things - tv, games, etc. There is only so much undivided attention you can give to each other.

 

It's hard to tell from your post what is actually going on.

 

Well he does both they don't contradict each other. Sometimes he is attentive and if I need something very helpful and offers it without me asking. But most of our free time together he is watching something I don't care to watch or even worse playing games on his phone. Yesterday was particularly annoying as he brought his drone with him to play at my place. I had nothing to do but rollover and sleep on the couch. He even made a comment like he thought about bringing his xbox. Really?

 

Should I just cancel my TV service? I didn't really have TV before him, and now having it I am less happy it seems.

 

P.S. we did have sex twice after he initiated so there's that. But I feel like to get his attention I have to sleep and ignore him. Another time I got his attention that night is when I decided if he is doing what he is doing I'd play a game on my computer.

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Without qualifying it with "right" or "wrong," as it relates to me would heavily depend on how often you two are seeing each other and what kinds of stretches of time we're talking about.

 

If he's coming by once a week, every Friday at dinner time, eating, watching a movie, having sex, and then sleeping, then yeah, that's kinda ****. Then again, I also see that he brought his toy drone. He played his phone game. That means he's coming to your home but providing his own entertainment. What could you provide either inside your home or in your neighborhood for interactive entertainment?

 

Or are you two maybe spending a little too much time together? Not so much "too much" in the sense of getting tired of one another, but rather that you're simply not going to be able to fill it all with whimsical conversation.

 

Do you two still go on actual dates?

 

Also, he may just genuinely be the type who keeps himself entertained. Knows what he wants to do and pleases himself, even if in ways you consider boring. That's a compatibility thing more than right vs. wrong, normal vs. not normal, you being secure or insecure.

 

I think the bottom line is that, in lieu of some other external stimulus or motivation, the guy's frankly pretty boring. Not meant as a knock at all as I've been known for my boring streaks as well. But as you transition out of the novel dating phase and into how well you two simply coexist, this isn't an aspect of him that will go away. And just as I don't think you're being insecure by being put off by it, it's not necessarily wrong that he's more of a no-frills homebody.

 

Take it all with a grain of salt as I don't have much context beyond this issue itself, but you're now coming on the time a lot of short-term dating stints end. Honeymoon's over and you gotta see how you two match up when the voltage goes down.

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Sometimes we go to dinner - but other than that he doesn't like social activities with a lot of people so I am not sure what other 2 person activities we can do. He will compromise and sometimes go to things I like to do once every couple of weeks. He always prefers to be at home given the option.

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No. Go Out On Dates. Stop all the boring hangouts.
Half agree. If you're not going on any actual dates still, don't try to substitute it with netflix.

 

At the same time, when you two are winding down and watching TV, definitely do suggest finding something. Better yet... it's your house. You hold the remote and scroll through shows yourself and stop when something might interest you and see if he feels the same. Just don't choose something goofy like "10 Things I Hate About You" or "Sex and the City." Are you just sitting there quietly and letting him load up his show? That seems awkward.

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Are you both very broke? What about daytime on weekends? Plenty of free and interesting things to do. Do you have a thing for peter pan type men?

 

It sounds like you allow and encourage him to come over for booty call and ignoring you, why? Was your last situation months of booty call and ignoring you? Why are you doing this?

Sometimes we go to dinner - but other than that he doesn't like social activities with a lot of people so I am not sure what other 2 person activities we can do. He will compromise and sometimes go to things I like to do once every couple of weeks. He always prefers to be at home given the option.
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In most relationships, you do need to find things to do that you both like and can have in common, at the same time, there will be a balance of doing your own thing and giving each other space to do so even when you are together. It's a balancing act.

 

Of course you should try to find some shows, movies, etc that you are both into. That seems like a no brainer. Maybe find some games you both like to play too. He sounds a bit like the kind of a person who is always on and needs to be occupied with something at all times or else he gets bored and irritable. It's not wrong or right, it's just who he is.

I kind of think it's a bit odd that your only option in your own house is to go sleep when bf isn't entertaining you or paying attention to you. Sounds like maybe you need to have more things to do yourself for yourself??? You can't really lean on your bf and your relationship to be your sole source of entertainment. Like if you prefer to read a book and he is dying to watch something you don't care for, you should both be able to accommodate that by giving each other room to do what you each like. He watches the show and you read the book and once the show is over, you both choose to do something with each other - talk, sex, cuddle, cook dinner, head out somewhere, etc., etc, etc. Goes back to that balancing act of time together/time for yourself.

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In most relationships, you do need to find things to do that you both like and can have in common, at the same time, there will be a balance of doing your own thing and giving each other space to do so even when you are together. It's a balancing act.

 

Of course you should try to find some shows, movies, etc that you are both into. That seems like a no brainer. Maybe find some games you both like to play too. He sounds a bit like the kind of a person who is always on and needs to be occupied with something at all times or else he gets bored and irritable. It's not wrong or right, it's just who he is.

I kind of think it's a bit odd that your only option in your own house is to go sleep when bf isn't entertaining you or paying attention to you. Sounds like maybe you need to have more things to do yourself for yourself??? You can't really lean on your bf and your relationship to be your sole source of entertainment. Like if you prefer to read a book and he is dying to watch something you don't care for, you should both be able to accommodate that by giving each other room to do what you each like. He watches the show and you read the book and once the show is over, you both choose to do something with each other - talk, sex, cuddle, cook dinner, head out somewhere, etc., etc, etc. Goes back to that balancing act of time together/time for yourself.

 

It's not that I don't have my own hobbies or interests, I can easily entertain myself when I am alone. But when we are spending time together I'd rather do something *together*. I guess me going to sleep or whatever is mainly because I am bored by what he chooses to do and a bit annoyed that he isn't spending that time with me.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I guess so far one thing I need to do is that we find some show we both watch for the time we do spend together and he wants to watch TV. If that's not possible I'd rather just cancel the TV all together.

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My bf and I rarely like to watch the same stuff. What happens is we will snuggle in bed while he flips through channels and movies and I'll either be reading something or surfing the news. Sometimes he'll start watching something that interests me, sometimes I'll be reading something that catches his eye, so we'll end up watching it or reading it together, then talking about it, etc. So it's a friendly compromise that is mutually satisfactory and neither one feels ignored or isolated or bored.

 

A difference in what you like or what you find entertaining doesn't need to become an adversarial right or wrong stand off.

 

Also, define better what "together" is. If there is something specific that you want to do with him, then learn to speak up AND lead the way. He can't read your mind and your definition of together time is going to be different from the person next to you. As far as he is concerned, he is spending time at yours, so you are together. What more could you want? So if you want to talk about something, just do it. Otherwise, yes he will watch tv because what else? He doesn't know what you want from him.

 

Saying that you'll cancel tv if you can't find something you both like.....sounds rather vindictive along the lines of entertain me or else.......

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My bf and I rarely like to watch the same stuff. What happens is we will snuggle in bed while he flips through channels and movies and I'll either be reading something or surfing the news. Sometimes he'll start watching something that interests me, sometimes I'll be reading something that catches his eye, so we'll end up watching it or reading it together, then talking about it, etc. So it's a friendly compromise that is mutually satisfactory and neither one feels ignored or isolated or bored.

 

A difference in what you like or what you find entertaining doesn't need to become an adversarial right or wrong stand off.

 

Also, define better what "together" is. If there is something specific that you want to do with him, then learn to speak up AND lead the way. He can't read your mind and your definition of together time is going to be different from the person next to you. As far as he is concerned, he is spending time at yours, so you are together. What more could you want? So if you want to talk about something, just do it. Otherwise, yes he will watch tv because what else? He doesn't know what you want from him.

 

Saying that you'll cancel tv if you can't find something you both like.....sounds rather vindictive along the lines of entertain me or else.......

 

Couple of things:

 

1) We don't live together so is it unreasonable for me to request the 1 night a week he stays over to do some activity together instead of him entertaining himself with things only he is interested in?

 

2) I did not have a TV subscription before him. I only got it and pay $100/month for it because he likes TV a lot. But considering I have been unhappy with having it, is it really fair for me to pay $100 for something that makes me unhappy? Is that really vindictive now that you see the context?

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Why bother requesting something that other people would do naturally ? He seems utterly bored or disrespectful. Why are you doing all this to enable his ignoring you and treating this and playtime and booty call?

 

Have you considered that at 5 mos in you may need to cut your losses if this rude behavior is as good as it gets? No he doesn't pay for your tv. You ordered it, you pay. The martyr attitude with this isn't helping, is it?

 

End it, say something, do something. But facilitating things so he can ignore you but then resenting it and complaining makes no sense.

request the 1 night a week he stays over to do some activity together instead of him entertaining himself with things only he is interested in? I did not have a TV subscription before him. I only got it and pay $100/month for it because he likes TV a lot. B
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Why bother requesting something that other people would do naturally ? He seems utterly bored or disrespectful. Why are you doing all this to enable his ignoring you and treating this and playtime and booty call?

 

Have you considered that at 5 mos in you may need to cut your losses if this rude behavior is as good as it gets? No he doesn't pay for your tv. You ordered it, you pay. The martyr attitude with this isn't helping, is it?

 

End it, say something, do something. But facilitating things so he can ignore you but then resenting it and complaining makes no sense.

 

I don't see how this post is helpful. I never claimed I feel like a booty call nor do I think that is what I am to him. So I don't see the point of this comment.

 

Obviously I am ready to do something about it so "do something" also not so helpful. I'm trying to get advice you seem to want to trash me without offering any.

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Absolutely. The advice is after 5 mos you are unhappy and so you have options about what to do. Plan something. Talk to him hoping for change or realizing what you are seeing is incompatibility and unhappiness and it's a perfect time after only 5 mos to cut your losses.

I am ready to do something about it
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Absolutely. The advice is after 5 mos you are unhappy and so you have options about what to do. Plan something. Talk to him hoping for change or realizing what you are seeing is incompatibility and unhappiness and it's a perfect time after only 5 mos to cut your losses.

 

Ok I will do something. Thanks for the advice.

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Before sitting down and having a chat about it, I'd suggest simply draw up a plan of **** to do. Even before Friday comes. "Hey, let's do [x] and [x] this Friday night." It'd be one thing if he were inviting you over to his place and then leaving you to fend for yourself as he plays Mobile Strike on his phone. But if you're being silent and complaisant in your own home, there's nothing for him to assume other than you're fine with it as it is. Take charge and keep it fun.

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What would you like to be doing with him during that time? Initiate that. It may be good to establish a new pattern of doing rather than hanging out. If it were me, I wouldn't have the TV subscription and would use that money for things together that I enjoy. I don't have TV now, nor did we when my ex and I were first together back in the late 1970's, so if we were just hanging out together there was cuddling-etc., sharing our days or thoughts, planning things, reading next to each other or TO each other. . . or one napping while one read. . .

 

Wiseman2 has a point. At 5 months in, it may be a point where you diverge with him on compatibility. Or it may be that you may need to specify with him a balance of quality time with something more laid-back/free-form (such as "time-off-together" where there is no pressure to attend to each other, and yet BE together). If you always have to be "on" for each other while together, it may set an unwanted precedent that morphs into neediness. I don't know if that is happening here or not, but I still wouldn't pay for something in my home that I don't want for someone I don't live with. He can pay for it at his place and you visit him.

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I'd much rather be cuddling, talking, playing a game together etc.

 

I think my plan is to ask him if he thinks there is a show we can both really enjoy together. If we discover not, then I am going to seriously consider cancelling my TV and see if we can get along that way. If not then I have to seriously think about if I can live with this situation (I am leaning toward not. It makes me really unhappy).

 

He should be able to compromise not watching his own shows at least when we are at my place. Bringing his drone here was yet another strange thing to me. I mean really? Is he that bored with me?

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Five months in is when you start to get to know them enough to see what a future with them might be like. Unfortunately this guy sounds slightly "addicted" to watching and that's not something that is going to get better, because this is who he is. This wouldn't be a problem if he enthusiastically did outside things with you or was easy to lead away from the TV, but this:

I suggested we leave the TV off when he comes here and that was something that totally changed his mood for the worse to the point he ended up leaving!

 

That right there is a red flag and it almost makes it sound like he's using your place to crash and for an entertainment center. Does he live by himself or with someone like his parents or roommates.

 

Really, I think you're kind of fooling yourself with the whole comment about him being a romantic attentive guy. Maybe he was in the beginning when everyone is on their best behavior. Right now he sounds like he's just using your place to play with his toys, enjoy sex when he wants it, and other than that just go through the motions when you ask him to do something. But he can't even hang out with you without the TV on or get p8thy then leave?

 

Yeah, that would have been when I told him I was canceling my TV subscription and if we couldn't start being more engaged as a couple then we were done. Actually, I think you're clinging to an idea what he should be versus who he is. He sounds frankly boring as heck. I predict he'll end up being one of those guys that sits in front of a TV all day and doesn't interact with his family after he's married. In fact, the nice things he does for you now will get less and less over time, because he's not really that interested in you or the world around him or going out into it and being active. He's interested in the boob tube and having a place to freely play with those things. And it's really rude to expect you to sit there watching him and most people who had empathy and were a bit less selfish would get concerned that their girlfriend is so bored she just curls up and goes to sleep while they sit there watching TV.

 

And at five months in? Yeah, good luck but right now he should still be in the all over you and taking you out and making plans stage. This guy sounds like he's already in his 70s. I'm married to a guy in his 70s who doesn't do that. We get out and do things, this guy would drive me crazy and be gone by now.

 

I have nothing on watching TV now and again, I do play games on my phone or computer. I enjoy a good Netflix and chill night in with my husband sometimes. But what you describe is excessive and just plain bad manners. I don't see a romantic attentive guy at all. I see someone who treats you like a crash pad to enjoy his "watching" who will likely grow into a couch potato watching sports and guzzling beer over time while his wife and kids are ignored.

 

Sorry, you can keep wishing he'll change, but this is who he is. He now feels "comfortable" enough with you to have dropped the early attentive romantic attentions in favor of his TV shows. And to act like a child when you say no, and that's something you should pay attention to big time. He didn't talk you or apologize or admit he was excessively watching TV and ignoring you. He had a fit and went home like an overgrown baby.

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Before sitting down and having a chat about it, I'd suggest simply draw up a plan of **** to do. Even before Friday comes. "Hey, let's do [x] and [x] this Friday night." It'd be one thing if he were inviting you over to his place and then leaving you to fend for yourself as he plays Mobile Strike on his phone. But if you're being silent and complaisant in your own home, there's nothing for him to assume other than you're fine with it as it is. Take charge and keep it fun.

 

He does that when I am over too.

 

The problem is he is a homebody. He agrees to if I insist but doesn't really look fw to any activity involving other people. Being that it is winter there isn't a whole lot to do in the suburbia we live in.

 

Recently I was almost going to move to a city where there is a lot to do. He was extremely upset because I would but 45 mins away from him instead of 15. We would have a ton to do there (but again, he is a homebody). I instead decided I would extend my lease another 6 months (pretty expensive decision money-wise) so we can decide what we want to do together a year into our relationship (at that point).

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Five months in is when you start to get to know them enough to see what a future with them might be like. Unfortunately this guy sounds slightly "addicted" to watching and that's not something that is going to get better, because this is who he is. This wouldn't be a problem if he enthusiastically did outside things with you or was easy to lead away from the TV, but this:

 

That right there is a red flag and it almost makes it sound like he's using your place to crash and for an entertainment center. Does he live by himself or with someone like his parents or roommates.

 

Really, I think you're kind of fooling yourself with the whole comment about him being a romantic attentive guy. Maybe he was in the beginning when everyone is on their best behavior. Right now he sounds like he's just using your place to play with his toys, enjoy sex when he wants it, and other than that just go through the motions when you ask him to do something. But he can't even hang out with you without the TV on or get p8thy then leave?

 

Yeah, that would have been when I told him I was canceling my TV subscription and if we couldn't start being more engaged as a couple then we were done. Actually, I think you're clinging to an idea what he should be versus who he is. He sounds frankly boring as heck. I predict he'll end up being one of those guys that sits in front of a TV all day and doesn't interact with his family after he's married. In fact, the nice things he does for you now will get less and less over time, because he's not really that interested in you or the world around him or going out into it and being active. He's interested in the boob tube and having a place to freely play with those things. And it's really rude to expect you to sit there watching him and most people who had empathy and were a bit less selfish would get concerned that their girlfriend is so bored she just curls up and goes to sleep while they sit there watching TV.

 

And at five months in? Yeah, good luck but right now he should still be in the all over you and taking you out and making plans stage. This guy sounds like he's already in his 70s. I'm married to a guy in his 70s who doesn't do that. We get out and do things, this guy would drive me crazy and be gone by now.

 

I have nothing on watching TV now and again, I do play games on my phone or computer. I enjoy a good Netflix and chill night in with my husband sometimes. But what you describe is excessive and just plain bad manners. I don't see a romantic attentive guy at all. I see someone who treats you like a crash pad to enjoy his "watching" who will likely grow into a couch potato watching sports and guzzling beer over time while his wife and kids are ignored.

 

Sorry, you can keep wishing he'll change, but this is who he is. He now feels "comfortable" enough with you to have dropped the early attentive romantic attentions in favor of his TV shows. And to act like a child when you say no, and that's something you should pay attention to big time. He didn't talk you or apologize or admit he was excessively watching TV and ignoring you. He had a fit and went home like an overgrown baby.

 

I will try to respond to some of these things because I don't think it paints the most accurate picture.

 

He has his own space, plenty of entertainment where he lives - so he certainly isn't coming here for entertainment.

 

To mention some of the things he does do with me/for me:

We will sometimes go to dinner, and even though it makes him anxious he will sometimes go to events I have planned for us to do with my friends like play a boardgame, or go to an escape room, go to a NYE party etc.

 

He also is pretty selfless and attentive to things I may need: Driving me hours to get a piece of furniture for me, building it for me, cooking for me. Surprising me with something that I wanted - buying it then leaving it at my apt as a surprise for me. He was even willing to help me do all of my moving despite being extremely upset I was moving so far away from him. He will always offer to take out my dog if I am tired, he will clean my kitchen for me etc.

 

He talks about our future, thinks of us as a family (with our two dogs).

 

So it is not at an extreme that you paint. I just want to make sure I approach this in the right way to get the best outcome.

 

He is a bit insecure and very sensitive to negative criticism so I have to approach it carefully.

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