5 Years Together....Is it time to move on?

[Joyce68]

I have a serious dilema and I really need some opinions. I have been in a relationship with JD for the last 5 years, living together the last 4. We bought our home together in 2007. We have both been in long-term married relationships that ended in divorce over 10 years ago. We are both in our 40's and I feel we should know better by now. We both talked about our expectations before buying the house and we even have a co-habitational agreement before we signed the papers. He knew that I didn't want to "play house" and that we were to be married in the first year of living together. We didn't get married before because we wanted time to get a small wedding together but the house was a deal.

Here is the ordeal, since we have moved in together its like we have drifted completely apart. The first year where most couples do adjustments he acted like he still wanted to be single,he called only when he wanted to and if a friend called and wanted to hang out then he would cancel plans with me. I blew this off, telling myself that he was having a hard time adjusting. I love him alot but that was just the first year. Over the last 3 now it's just gotten worse, not better. He has set plenty of dates for a marriage and always wiggles his way out of it. He is hardly ever around and we rarely spend any time together now. It feels like any and everything I get from him I have to beg for and if he doesn't feel like it...whether it hurts me or not....he just won't do it. This is from having date night, intamacy, paying bills to household care, etc.

I have probably held on to this for too long. I feel like a failure in this but I do know that I have given and tried in this. I have been committed to this for a very long time and I feel like I am being used....not quite good enough is a better way to put it.

I don't have parents to move home too and I have a child in school that I don't want to move schools but the day to day of this is starting to cause alot of problems with just daily function.

I need to know what others think. I have to go away for business all next week. I know I can't keep going on this way. He has threatened that he will just leave and by now, I have told him okay, but then he just won't leave. He says if I leave then he will abandon the house and not pay for it but he won't leave. He has left many times for a day or so only to return like nothing has ever happened. I just need help, please. Thanks

[Applewhite]

We didn't get married before because we wanted time to get a small wedding together but the house was a deal. Here is the ordeal, since we have moved in together its like we have drifted completely apart. The first year where most couples do adjustments he acted like he still wanted to be single,he called only when he wanted to and if a friend called and wanted to hang out then he would cancel plans with me. I blew this off, telling myself that he was having a hard time adjusting. I love him alot but that was just the first year. Over the last 3 now it's just gotten worse, not better.

 

I kind of wish you HADN'T blown it off! His behavior makes me angry (doesn't it make you angry?) I think you need to get out. Seek financial advice from an attorney so you don't dig yourself into a financial hole. If you aren't getting anything out of this relationship (but losing everything including your dignity) you need to GET OUT.

[ToF]

First, I'm going to suggest that you two seek couples' therapy. It's apparent that you've invested a lot in this relationship, so it would be a shame to make any final decisions without seeking professional guidance first. Also, it sounds like he is a classic "commitment phobe" (I'm no doctor, but take a look around this forum and you will find plenty of threads about this problem). Getting himself some individual therapy would be a huge help, in addition to the couples' therapy.

 

So why do you feel like a failure? If it's because you haven't been able to convince him to settle down and marry you, I really don't think that's your fault. I think the problems are with him, not you. Odds are, he would be having these same issues with just about any other woman. So don't be so hard on yourself about that.

 

Would you be willing to accept that it is just not the right time for you guys to get married? It sounds like you both rushed into it, being that you bought the house after a year with the agreement that you would be married within another year. That's a lot of pressure on the both of you. Why did you make that decision? You can't get to know another person in their entirety in that short of a time period.

 

Give it time. Be open-minded to solutions. If you're committed to spending your life with each other, then you've got to be committed to putting the work in to create a functioning relationship. At this point, you're probably going to have to start from the ground up.

[Joyce68]

We had known each for longer than just the time we started dating. I actually met him thru his dad. I have tried getting him to counseling for couples but he always finds an excuse not to go. I have done therapy on my own too. I do believe when you love someone its worth working on but I don't believe one person working on it alone will make it work. I don't know how to put everything in here....I want him to work on this but I can't make him. He tells me all the time that he is too busy or has things to take care of and then he will do it problem is...he never gets around to it. He has told me that marrying me would be like "death" but living with me is okay though. He won't tell anyone at all that he is even thinking about getting married. We set a date for February 2008 and I told family and friends, thought he did too...I found out he didn't tell anyone and then he just blew the plans and then the date off.

I feel like a failure because I never wanted 1 divorce and to start over again and think I found this great guy and then to get treated this way has been very hard. I have tried talking, writing him letters and I have tried to get him into couples counseling too.....he seems to always find a way "out" of it.

[What_Now]

I think your being too forgiving!

 

Its clear he isnt going to commit in the way you want, not at the moment anyway, so I wouldnt waste any time thinking about what he wants or how you can be a better partner for him in the hopes he will propose marriage.

 

Think about YOU! what do you want? Arent you worth a good mutual relationship? to love and BE loved is the ultimate goal.

He should be running through hoops to keep his woman and if he isnt, sorry to say it, but to quote that book.. "he's just not that into you".

 

Im really not trying to hurt you, Im genuinely trying to help. I think if he's gone a few times already then he's only come back for some kind of convenience. Maybe its cheaper to split the bills? or maybe he's thinking he will get less than 50% of the house value if he moves out and you pay the bills alone? I dont know, but the next time he goes I would change the locks!

 

In the meantime, get your hair done, pick out some nice new clothes, and get yourself a life x

[miami]

Why buy the cow...

[Joyce68]

I posted the original because I could see the signs but I didn't want to listen to them. I found out on 4/5 that he has been having an affair with an old friend/ex since mid February. I asked him about it ...I just wanted to know the "why". Of course all I got was he didn't know why....she was easy to talk to. I feel like someone has reached inside of me and scraped everything out of me. I am not 20 years old anymore ....and this wasn't fair. I know life isn't fair, so please don't say that. I guess this is what I deserve since I gave the "milk for free". He now says he doesn't want it to be over but I can't trust him at all. All I see is him with her and I can't even describe that pain. I have stood here with him for years...thru everything and this is what I got for it. I don't know if I can make it thru this. I feel like a nothing ....I am just raw. I get angry..that was how yesterday was....all I seem to do today is cry. I can't sleep, can't eat....I just want it to stop hurting and I want to know the why????? WHY???? I had met this women at his dads funeral in December...she knew me ...she knew we are a couple. And as angry as I am at her....I am so much more angry and hurt with him. How could he do this to me??? He made the decision to step outside. I don't want to hurt anymore...and I don't think I can do this again. I jsut seem to be the junk that God did make afterall. My first husband of 13 years slept with my best friend....I was dealing with my moms death when he did that and all he could say was he didn't mean to. I give up....why keep doing this. I have a successful business....great kids(we both do).....so this made no sense to me. I know now why he wouldn't commit and why I have always been such a nothing. I just want this hurt to stop...now. I am not going to make it this time.....I am so tired of having people do this to me.