Women of ENA, I would like your opinion

[firstluvstruck]

I just posted about a situation that opened an old wound. Now, as part of my healing I'm trying to come to terms with my thoughts...forgive and move on instead of ignore and move on. Part of this process, for me, is to understand the other person and how she views me - for my ego, so I can practice viewing her the same way, etc.

 

I know I should not be analyzing her, but I want to ask this once and get it over with.

 

Here it is:

She explicitly says I am one of the closest people in her life, says she cares about me deeply, etc. How is it that you can view someone in all these ways that are the same as when we were dating but have no unlinked romantic feelings from them? when we hung out many months ago (once for dinner and once for something i cant remember) she would rest her head on my shoulder or want to sit next to me as if we were together.

i ask because when I view her - I, too, care about her and her family but these feelings of concern are not platonic. How do you view someone in a platonic way but still act like its romantic?? she does not treat me like her other "friends". I'm asking the girls because I know how a guy thinks

 

I will admit that before Saturday I didn't care about any of this. I was still angry at her but in every other way I didnt care...how she viewed me, what she was up to, that she would text me, and even while I was hanging out with her..I wouldn't care. but there was still anger. and for a different time, I'm still having trouble forgiving and not being aangry at her. But from my last post I learned from some of you that this, too, will fade with time.

 

thanks again for helping me.

[firstluvstruck]

i'm trying everyday!!

[Cope]

It's not a gender thing. I'm a woman and I've never done what she's doing; I can't even understand it. When I'm done, I'm done.

 

I do have an ex(male) that I'm sure would do that if we were in the same city and it would make me keep him even further away from me.

[maew]

It’s okay to be angry... some of the best advice I ever got was not to try and bypass the anger on the way to forgiveness... it’s part of the healing process.

 

The thing with anger, is that it’s not a feeling that happens in isolation... it’s a fight or flight response to pain and a way of protecting ourselves from further harm.

 

Once you find out what the feelings underneath the anger are it will be easier for you to let go of it and move towards forgiveness.

[Dominique]

It seems she is comfortable and trusts you and feels safe with you because she needs a shoulder and an ego boost and someone to be close to.....

Similar to how some people can be friends with benefits. Sex without emotion.

It is possible to be and want close contact and friendship without wanting anything romantic. Just like it is possible to want sex without wanting a relationship.

She is filling a need. The need is companionship, not long term relationship or "in love" status.

 

You are familiar. You fill a need.

 

Try to get past her..... It's time.

[firstluvstruck]

Thanks so much

[ThatwasThen]

When you go out with her and allow her to sit beside you and put her head on your shoulder, she is in essence, using you to get over you and while she does that, she's keeping you mired in your emotions to and about her ~ whether those emotions be, anger, attachment, or whatever.

 

Stop responding to her. Get on with your life without her in it so that when you meet a gal you are interested in, your ex won't cloud your emotions for that new girl.

 

Its time to end this chapter in your life and be open in mind and heart to start another.

[Dominique]

Thanks so much

 

Please let her go. Don't let her use you for this if the feeling is not mutual between you. She needs to find comfort and companionship elsewhere.

You deserve more if that's what you truly want.

 

It is awful to face but you have to protect your heart. Don't worry about what she needs or what she is doing ...worry about yourself. Watch what you are doing and protect yourself.

[catfeeder]

You wouldn't feel a 'need' for this kind of analysis if you weren't trying to play friendzies with an ex. What is the purpose of that but to keep you hung up on her with a front row seat to how well she moves on?

 

As high school kids we were taught that being civil to exes was advantageous because we continued to share classes and social circles with them. But even then, being civil when your paths cross is far different than cuddling and then wondering how to deal with the emotional fallout of that.

 

Keeping an ex in your orbit not only prevents you from healing, it prevents future dating. My own private trule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children--and I'm far from alone in holding this barrier.

 

I'd reconsider the continued exposure to ex beyond civility if your cross paths in public. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

[wgmitch]

I'm not a woman, but...

 

I quite frankly think holding on to anger for her is much more healthy than what is going on here. When you were holding on to the anger you were staying away and moving on. Now you're posting questions that should not even be thought about at this point.

 

You want something more from her than she wants with you, that's not healthy. If she came back saying things you want to hear about a new start and chance at a relationship with then you can figure out what you want to do. But this is just using you.

 

Go NC or back to NC and please move on. It's just not healthy. You deserve better. Someone that wants from you, what you want from them. Love, respect and a relationship. Go out and get what you want.

 

You are not alone we are all here for you.

 

Mitch

[wgmitch]

I have to weigh in on staying angry...

 

In my opinion you don't stay angry at your siblings, your parents or your friends when they have said or done something silly or wrong. You forgive and forget.

 

But when someone uses you, abuses you, thinks of you as a tool for their own self pleasure or ego boost, you get angry and you stay angry! You don't get hostile toward them or take revenge, but you stay angry and stay away. You show them by means of No Contact that you are not there for them to use or abuse. They pushed you aside for whatever reason, you work on you and make life better. We are not talking about continuing to be an angry person towards the world, just to that person who used you and pushed you aside.

 

Whatever it takes to stay away from them, do it. Just do it!

 

If down the road you feel less angry toward them, so be it, but they are no longer allowed in your life.

 

I am practicing what I preach. Life is better.

 

Mitch

[sputnik123]

100% agree with Mitch here. Spot on.

[firstluvstruck]

But when someone uses you, abuses you, thinks of you as a tool for their own self pleasure or ego boost, you get angry and you stay angry! You don't get hostile toward them or take revenge, but you stay angry and stay away.

 

Any good come from letting them know they really hurt you, for youreslf? did you tell the person how much they hurt you? will it just cause me to think about stuff more rather than be liberating?

 

based on everyone's advice, i shouldn't even be wondering this - just staying away and not wandering down that road again.

[Dominique]

Any good come from letting them know they really hurt you, for youreslf? did you tell the person how much they hurt you? will it just cause me to think about stuff more rather than be liberating?

 

based on everyone's advice, i shouldn't even be wondering this - just staying away and not wandering down that road again.

 

No. Leave it alone. Leave her alone. If u feel the need to say something about your anger, vent it here or write a letter and delete it. Don't tell her. Telling her will only serve to make you feel more hurt. Let it go.

If you are trying to reconcile, then honesty and discussion is good. But you two are not reconciling. You need to break from her. Walk away. Don't look back.

[GoodGumbo]

She is being selfish by continuing to give you hope. She is using you as a security blanket while she herself moves on. This is one of the most damaging things a person can do to another person - give them the idea that they actually have a chance so they will not move on. That is what she is doing to you. And, make no mistake about it, she will not be with you in the long term and she doesn't want you in a sexual manner.

[wgmitch]

No. Leave it alone. Leave her alone. If u feel the need to say something about your anger, vent it here or write a letter and delete it. Don't tell her. Telling her will only serve to make you feel more hurt. Let it go.

If you are trying to reconcile, then honesty and discussion is good. But you two are not reconciling. You need to break from her. Walk away. Don't look back.

 

FirstLuvStruck,

 

Dominique is right.

[firstluvstruck]

I vented here and deleted it. It just felt like complaining.

 

Thanks everyone for the support. This always happens when she comes back into my life. Bah

[catfeeder]

I vented here and deleted it. It just felt like complaining.

 

Thanks everyone for the support. This always happens when she comes back into my life. Bah

 

Why keep letting her come back into your life? Consider making it your private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself , with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this and create a fabulous future for yourself. You'll minimize ex's importance as you grow stronger and less invested.

 

Skip the forgiveness psychobabble until you reach higher ground. Then reconsider how necessary it actually is rather than using it as an excuse to poison yourself only to wonder why you feel lousy.

[firstluvstruck]

Skip the forgiveness psychobabble until you reach higher ground. Then reconsider how necessary it actually is rather than using it as an excuse to poison yourself only to wonder why you feel lousy.

 

Thank you for this. I'm going to try this - didn't think of it before.

 

I also like the line you have as your avatar (? i forgot what those were called, sign offs?)

Try backing off. It seems to be a well kept secret how many wonders occur and problems straighten out when we do nothing but leave someone alone.