Jump to content

Boundaries


Mel20192019

Recommended Posts

Hey guys! So I’m new to this section and I wanted to see what you guys thought about this! So I’m dating this guy I haven’t met him in person yet but we’ve been texting for about a month now. Everything’s pretty good but I just got out of an abusive relationship where I had no boundaries and I am now trying to set them with this guy but I need advice. I’ve told him that I’m taking things the slowest slow that I’ve ever taken things as I need my next one to be really good this time and I don’t want to screw anything up anymore so I told him that they’ll be days where I need my space where I don’t want to talk. Well when I give him the warning he says it’s sad cuz he’ll miss me. Ok that’s fine but then the day comes and he texts me good morning or hello! So I tell him I told you yesterday that I didn’t want to talk today and you’re not listening to my request! So it’s the third time he does this but just says it’s cuz he misses me but I’m starting to get worried and wonder if this is something that could be very bad later one as he doesn’t seem to respect what I ask of him? Am I looking at this too much should I just tell him that I don’t appreciate him not respecting my boundaries then talk to him the next day or should I see this as a big red flag and cut him out of my life for good? I know I’m very cautious right now because of my past experiences and stuff but I just really like this guy and don’t want to end it over a few extra text messages that might now be that serious of a problem you know? I just don’t want to end up in one of THOSE relationships again!

 

Thanks!!

 

Mel

Link to comment

You can't supremely control what someone else does. You can control your reaction to it. Mute your entire phone and his contact on days when you want some time alone or are busy. You've given him a heads up. If he fades out of your life, that's a sign. Don't waste your energy overreacting to this. Be a minimalist.

Link to comment

Ok. Stop texting and meet in person. You will only attract weirdos or people in relationships with not meeting and stalling and way too much chitchat and texting. Don't play games. Try not to use techniques that attract unstable individuals.

 

Online dating is an introduction to decide to meet in person. After you meet in person, you decide if you want a second date and want to continue. Online dating is not for internet therapy. Stop texting this guy. Meet or move on.

I haven’t met him in person yet but we’ve been texting for about a month now.

I told him that they’ll be days where I need my space where I don’t want to talk.

I tell him I told you yesterday that I didn’t want to talk today and you’re not listening to my request!

Link to comment

First of all... if you haven't actually met, then you are not dating!

 

Secondly, if I was "chatting" to a woman on-line and she told me she did not want to talk to me everyday, I would stop texting.

 

Thirdly, if this guy that has not even met you can't respect your (albeit controlling) request, then he may a weirdo!

 

Meet someone in person, see if there is an attraction, then take things at a pace you are both comfortable with!

Link to comment
So I’m dating this guy I haven’t met him in person yet
Uhm, yes, how does one date someone if you haven't even met yet?

 

Your gut is telling you something so listen to it and when you actually have the confidence to get rid of d-bags that have your spidey senses tingling, then an only then start dating again. Right now you're clearly not ready as your lack of confidence won't protect you from those you want to keep away from.

 

Whatever you do... stop trying to get to know people over text. There is absolutely no way you will ever really know the real person through words on a screen.

Link to comment

I would consider these moments of opportunity as mini tests. You've directly asked not to be contacted you yet he does anyway.

 

If you were clear and he's busted your boundary over this more than once, then that would be enough for me. It seems like a clear sign of things to come.

 

Remember, while working on boundaries, some times you need to be flexible. It's the difference between creating a boundary and building a wall. Sometimes you need to adjust in moment.

 

Good luck. You're doing good.

Link to comment

Yeah another one for if you haven't even met yet, you are not dating.

What you are doing is some really unhealthy oversharing with some dude who is willing to put up with it and that's not a compliment to him, that makes him messed up.

 

Also, to answer your main question, if you've asked multiple times and he is totally disregarding your request, then YES this is an indication of things to come and you should beware of that. Also, you are just texting and he can't skip a day and already claims he misses you???!!!! That is messed up and downright creepy. This guy is a weirdo.

 

The fact that you don't recognize that strangers you've never met aren't supposed to fall in love with you and miss you is why you are vulnerable to creeps, abusers, and otherwise toxic people. They can sweet talk you and tell you all kinds of nonsense and basically talk you into feeling like you are committed to them and have feelings for them when in reality you have nothing of the sort.

 

You don't even have a relationship yet you are talking like you don't want to break up or throw away a good thing.....but there is no thing, you aren't dating, and this guy is YES totally trampling over your boundaries and manipulating you emotionally.

 

I'm breaking your boundaries because I miss you = I don't care about your boundaries and will do with you as I please because I'm selfish like that. Does this sound good to you OP?

Link to comment
Yeah another one for if you haven't even met yet, you are not dating.

What you are doing is some really unhealthy oversharing with some dude who is willing to put up with it and that's not a compliment to him, that makes him messed up.

 

And.. He could be a SHE, or a little kid.... you have not met. It's like falling in love with a cartoon character.

Link to comment
You are texting a guy you got in online contact with only one month out of a 6 year abusive relationship.

 

Are you just really badly wanting to find a replacement man so you won't be "alone"?

 

I was just about to point that out.

 

I avoided responding how I wanted in your last post out of respect for your healing and to not sound cold, but maybe you needed to hear it after all...

 

Like there’s just so much wrong going on here I don’t know where to start and it appears you truly don’t even recognize how wrong it is... you actually think the only ‘issue’ is he TEXTS you on days you tell him not to.... that’s like #37 of the things wrong right now...

 

I don’t know where you can even start, it’s that bad, you have so much to unlearn.... I realize you don’t want to keep getting into toxic relationships but it’s literally your dating pool right now. I’m not saying that as an insult, I’m saying the only men who would date you in your current head space are those who well aren’t all that emotionally healthy themselves...

 

So your choices are, seek therapy and reset your thinking or continue on, knowing your relationships will often be... different...

Link to comment

You are not ready to date. Others have already pointed out the "texting is not dating" issue, but beyond that, if there are days when you are so overwhelmed or whatever that you feel the need to cut off your partner completely, where even a "good morning" triggers you, you are clearly not in a healthy place personally, and you are not ready for a relationship.

 

If you are using the "don't contact me today, I need space thing" as a sh1t test, then that is also rather manipulative and controlling. That said, the guy failed, it's not so much that he is not respecting your boundaries as he seems very needy and insecure... any guy with self-worth would have given up already. He hasn't even met you, to be so infatuated by a few pictures and some texts is rather unhealthy.

Link to comment

In my opinion, if you can't date at a normal pace, then don't. You need to seek therapy, dispose of toxic emotional baggage, and learn to be happy solo before sharing your joy with a man. If a guy told me what you told the texter, I'd say, "No thanks."

 

First of all, if someone doesn't ask to meet with you in person after two weeks, you're wasting your time and living in Fantasyland. Secondly, when you do meet, conversations should kept to light topics such as what types of food you like to eat, what types of movies you enjoy, and if you have pets, etc. If someone started in on their heavy psychological issues with me, and they were a mere stranger, he/she would remain a stranger because I'd be off looking elsewhere for a different companion I can enjoy time with, experiencing fun activities.

 

I'm sorry you've suffered in your past. You will have to get professional help and address those issues so that you can attract, and be attracted to, mentally healthy people. Take care.

Link to comment
You are not ready to date. Others have already pointed out the "texting is not dating" issue, but beyond that, if there are days when you are so overwhelmed or whatever that you feel the need to cut off your partner completely, where even a "good morning" triggers you, you are clearly not in a healthy place personally, and you are not ready for a relationship.

 

All of this.

 

None of the above is healthy, OP. Take time off from dating and heal. Now is clearly not the time for you to dip your toes back into romance.

Link to comment

To add to my previous thread because while you’re no longer responding I hope you’re at least reading... you got caught up in this whole ‘ I was in an abusive relationship’ thing and you’re kinda using it as deflection as you continue your own unhealthy habits. What I mean is it seems you let your ex take all the blame for the dysfunction which led you to not did anything on your end so you’re taking the same exact baggage along with you to your next relationship.

 

Establishing boundaries isn’t enforcing obscure and pointless rules and seeing if the guy will comply...

 

I hope you open yourself up to learning what boundaries are how to establish healthy ones and how to recognize when someone’s establishing their own.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...