Older Men dating Younger Women

[Ani]

Hi, I'm hoping someone could give me some advice. Recently one of my best friends and I had a HUGE argument. Over him dating younger women. He says he likes to date younger women because they are 'pure' and they are not jaded by other men. Because they are innocent and have an open attitude about life. He said they are easier to, I don't know what the proper word is but I guess to enamor. They are not as misstrusting as older women are, and they are easier to 'mold' into the perfect mate. This of course infuriated me! Because I do feel that he is taking advantage of these women because of their innocence. I feel if you love someone, you should love THEM for who they are, not try to 'mold' them into the 'perfect mate'. To me it was as if though he said, "I like to beat my wife/girlfriend to teach her how to be a better mate/respect me." This whole theory of his sounds very WRONG and manipulative. I told him I don't want to be friends with someone like that and he responded that I am too close minded and if I were more open minded I would see the good of his actions? Can someone help me understand the 'GOOD' in his actions?

[overcorrect]

One cannot "mold" someone else without resentment being the by-product.

 

My wife was 18 and I was 24 when I met her. We fell into the "recipe for disaster" and married each other after knowing each other only 6 weeks. I married her because the fact that she was unlike anyone else I have ever met and that she had incredible potential that I have never seen in a woman. It was quite the aphrodisiac! She told me that she wanted to be independent and a lawyer. Here she was just graduating high school with no income and no career and I saw her potential (the "open attitude about life", if you will). I loved her and her potential. I loved the fact that life hadn't jaded her. I'm not going to lie. Her parents were quite mad that I took their daughter away and demanded we get an annullment.

 

That was 10 years ago this upcoming July. Believe me, she doesn't think I molded her life and she is fully aware of my attraction to her potential. She just passed the Bar Exam and is quite the successful attorney. I saw it in her, we both dreamed it, and it became a fact. We remained together and married in spite of all the odds. Her parents love me now (I get the best presents ever during Christmas and I talk to her mother on the phone when my wife isn't home when she calls).

 

I believe there is nothing wrong with his motives... I just think he doesn't know quite how to tell you what he is feeling are in the most articulate manner and it sounds like he is sexist. I don't think what I'm saying is sexist about my wife (she makes more money than me now and I like it!. She has a bachelor's and a juris doctorate). I love her drive and potential. An "Alpha Female" is so awesome! The deal is though that it really isn't age determinate. It's just that someone younger can shape the rest of their life much sooner than someone older.

 

Not trying to be devil's advocate here but is the fact that this makes you mad based on the possibility that you in fact have feelings for him and you are not as young as the girls he likes to go out with? Sounds to me like you are willing to destroy the friendship you have with him when it might be a relationship you truly want.

 

He shouldn't have to worry about "mistrusting older women" if he was trustworthy now should he? That is questionable.

[Lightingbird]

I think overcorrect gave good advice. I can only add being a female and in a relationship with a younger man (9 years difference). That he can have preferences like anyone else. So he is no different than some who chooses opposite sex based on race, age, sex or faith. We must valve our friends opinion unless it can harm you or the person it is directed to. I feel as long as these women are of consenting age, they can make their own choices and who is to say why they are wanting to get involved with an older man.

 

 

 

[Ani]

I agree with both of your point, in the context in which you state it overcorrect. I don't think age makes a difference, however, in his statements, he truly believes he is doing them a favor by molding those young women into better mates. It is not the same as falling in love with someone who is younger who you have intentions of marrying, but it is the lack of intention of marrying them and taking their innocence. That is the reason many women become jaded because of men like that who took advantage of their youth, their inexperience, and they move on. The younger woman will never get her innocence back, if he was just going out with them, and not sleeping with them, or if he actually was deeply in love with one of them. I would have no objection. But that is not his case. I have since ended the friendship, for those reasons, but for many, many more reasons. I also think that any person, women or men, who date younger people exclusively, and shut out any opportunity to meet someone their age (I'm not interested in him myself) just because they have had bad experiences in life, that he is not being fair to them because many of them it was not their fault someone hurt them. It doesn't mean they are not open to a relationship, it means that it takes more work to earn their trust. I think he could be missing out on great opportunities to grow as a person, limiting his views on just young women. But, like you said, it is his choice. Ultimetley, that is what I decided and I wished him luck, but that I felt it was healthier for both of us to not be friends anymore because our values were too different, and I did not want to offend him with my point of views and since I do not agree with him, then it is best that I take my leave of him since I cannot support him.

[drahcir]

I understand how this guy feels. Many people want to date others who are much younger than them because they are more innocent and more trusting. I don't see anything wrong with this. As long as he doesn't take advantage of her in a sexual way, i don't see what is wrong with his preference for younge women, as long as they are not too young (ie. atleast 17~!!!)

[mt_joy]

There is a 7 year age gap between me (21) and my boyfriend (28). I have noticed that he can act in a fatherly way (and it really upsets him when I tell him that). Is this natural in most relationships with an age gap? He ha always dated women younger than him (except for once), so worry that he may still want a youthful girlfriend or wife when I'm 40. Any input?

[drahcir]

"worry that he may still want a youthful girlfriend or wife when I'm 40. Any input?"

 

---yes I think that is something to worry about. If he ONLY likes girls younger than him, then I think that may be a concern.

[jag216]

Yeah I have seen this twice... both with myself and a friend.

 

There is something to the whole issue of younger women not being jaded. At the same time, I don't know too many older men who haven't done their fair share of dating before making this sort of observation.

 

The best couples that I have seen have been two people who have had similar dating experience levels - they seem to have the least hang-ups and control issues - their demands don't tend to overpower each other.

 

I don't think the fatherly aspect is helpful. I find myself restraining it but the opposite can also be hazardous. I tend to be the type who wants to see what my lady friend will do in different situations that I have encountered. Sometimes I wonder if I should have been there to give advice or not, but at the same time, if there is an inequality it can muddle things up.

 

It becomes especially humorous when after, oh say 6 years, both people really are at an even keel assuming that they have both stayed active with their personal interests. After a certain point there really isn't much to teach - this is normally a lesson learned in raising a child - I'd imagine it would be pretty awkward to encounter this in a spouse. While they still love you, there is definitely a component of dependence that will disappear with age.

 

If the relationship is built on that dependence, an older person may suffocate the younger person without being aware of it - they may say or do things to assure that the person does still need them and depends on them. The difference is for what. Men llike to be mentors - I think that is what really makes the father daughter relationship special - but as any man with a daughter will tell you, as hard as it is to let your girl go and do things on her own, there is a point where you have to take off the training wheels and let her ride on her own... that usually comes with dating and socializing - not bicycles.

 

If an older man decides to date a younger woman, I think he really has to see her as someone who doesn't need training wheels. In my case, I had to really just see how she was around people her own age - that was part of what really made her special. She was more mature emotionally than a lot of women who were my own age, leet alone hers. She was serious, but could handle bumps in the road and inconveniences with good humor. She wasn't scared or felt like she lost control of where relationships went. Like I said, I saw she didn't need training wheels - and that's when I stepped up. I can't wait to have daughters - but I certainly don't want to date one.

 

In the case of the older relationship - this whole 'showing the ropes' business is an illusion. If there are 'ropes' to relationships then God I'd love to know where they are - I've leaned back looking for a turnbuckle in round 27 and I just keep walking backwards.

 

I have a friend who is 26 and dating a guy who is 37 - he gives her 'advice' about what will happen to her 'at her age' and let me tell you - NOTHING pisses her off more. I find that it is more fun to talk about different things that I did at that age... It's really kindof funny to do that actually. Many times younger women wonder what kind of guy their older chum was at their age - you know, wondered if they would have dated him had they known him then...

[MiaLeah]

My boyfriend is 16 years old than me. Everyone makes a big deal out of it, of course. Everyone always tells me "he's almost old enough to be your father."

 

Anyway, along the lines of this topic, I always have people telling me he's only with me b/c he can manipulate me and that he must have ulterior motives. I understand why people think this way. In all likelihood, I'd probably think the same thing if it wasn't me in the situation. A lot of men who are involved with women several years younger than them probably do it to manipulate them or groom them they way they want the women to be. Obviously it's wrong, but the women who get involved with guys like that should know better. That sounds harsh, but if they don't realize why the guy's with them, then it's kind of their own faults. Some women want a "fatherly" type figure, whether they admit it or not.

[itsallgrand]

I probably would have done the same thing and ended the friendship, Ani.

If you can't respect someone, it is difficult to be their friend. I mean basic respect of who they are in this world. The values are far off in this case, between the two of you.

 

By the way, I think the guy is a scum bag. He's got some growing up to do. That's the sort of man mother's have nightmares about. I'm not a mother, but it turns my stomach.

 

cheers

[Managor]

There's nothing wrong with wanting someone with an open attitude to life, but there definitely seem to be something wrong with him wanting to 'mold someone into the perfect mate', I don't think I could stand to be around someone with those kind of ideas, and I would hate to see him find someone to try and take control of.

[jumper71]

I am 32 and recently found myself accepting a date with an 18 yr old female. I have been engaged in the past, and through a few LTR relationships and have dated off and on inbetween. Anyway, she caught me off guard, was remarkably attractive and came accross as very self confident and mature. I don't know if I am going to meet up with her, the whole concept seems completely crazy as she lives with her parents, I can only imagine...

 

It has brought up feelings about women I have dated being "jaded", I am going out on a 2nd date with a 28yr old tomorrow night who was jilted a few times and has expressed how she doesn't believe in true love or marriage or soulmates, rather bitter... Others I have dated have an agenda, looking for this or that guy to fit the bill, others seem unable to open themselves, guarded or just uninterested in the concept. It is more who I have met and choosen to get involved with than anything, but I have found it difficult to meet the right people through a shrinking circle of friends, random encounters at bars, and the dates from the internet. I don't expect anything coming of this other than a nice time to laugh a bit, hear about life from her perspective, her story which I look forward too. I am just ashamed to admit that I am even thinking of meeting her with friends or anyone I know, I feel like I will get blasted. I know my female friends will probably ridicule me and if any guys try to high-five me I'll feel like I am seen as a pervert. I don't know, I am just rambling. Funny how life throws curveballs when you least expect it, it doesn't help that she is incredibly attractive and musically gifted.

[happygolucky19]

It sounds like your friend just doesn't have the same morals and values as you. I personally think that there would be a very few rare cases where age wouldn't matter based on the individuals life experiences. BUT.....men who prefer younger women really just don't have what it takes to handle an adult relationship. Whether it be commitment issues or the fear of growing older...whatever. My ex is now dating a girl 8 years younger than him and honestly the reason he has to go for a younger girl? no women in their right mind will listen to his babble and actually take it seriously....that's why I dumped him....he just spoke rubbish constantly that was of no interest to me. A younger girl will be head over heals for him and hang onto everyone of his useless words, she will think he is amazing and intersting because she has nothing else to compare him to...its all just a massive ego stroke...quite sad really

[PaintWithLight]

I think you seized on the words "mold them" and might have blown his comments out of proportion.

 

As far as his view, he sounds like he is tired of fighting the relationship wars with a woman his own age. Two people in their 40s usually have fixed ideas about things; the flow of the household, roles of each partner, preferred types of entertainment, etc. Someone younger might still be in the process of "taking in all in" and as a result, be less rigid in their tastes and opinions.

 

When both parties have the same amount of life experience, you often end up in a situation of two "experts" with valid but conflicting views. I really do not see the evil here. Many women try to "mold" their man's sense of fashion, grooming style and manners. This does not have to be a Svengali situation at all. I mean, if he introduced her to appreciate Indian food, flying first class and scuba diving - how can these be bad things?

[Capricorn3]

Thread is over eleven years old and the OP has never returned since posting this thread. It is unlikely she'll be back to respond. Thread closed.