kim25 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 hi all. wanted thoughts on a so called friend who dates your ex bf within 2 weeks of breakup ..I know what I think:icon_sad: Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 They're not your friend. agreed. There is always an exception to every rule though. Maybe some back story would help. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 I wouldn't trust a friend like that. Link to comment
kim25 Posted May 9, 2019 Author Share Posted May 9, 2019 she knew we were having problems before resolved stabbed me in back gave him attention on line Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 It's over as in that relationship is over. What you choose to do with your life going forward is in your hands. What others choose to do with their lives is up to them. While it may feel strange or awkward at first they're are really entitled to do whatever they please. I think it's a bit incestuous to date that way and the natural tendency is to gravitate away from them. That feeling is natural. What isn't healthy is telling yourself that either of them are bad people when they simply are not. Move on with your life and do not fixate on others. Link to comment
LikeWater Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 It's over as in that relationship is over. What you choose to do with your life going forward is in your hands. What others choose to do with their lives is up to them. While it may feel strange or awkward at first they're are really entitled to do whatever they please. I think it's a bit incestuous to date that way and the natural tendency is to gravitate away from them. That feeling is natural. What isn't healthy is telling yourself that either of them are bad people when they simply are not. Move on with your life and do not fixate on others. Sorry, but I have to disagree. This is a lovely altruistic view of moving forward and disregarding all emotional static that comes into view, but this is not a state of mind most people could achieve. In reality we do (unfortunately) have to deal with what feels hurtful to us. Now, were these two to get romantic after the OP is over her ex, that would be fine, but a measly two weeks? There is a quality a friend must possess and it is called loyalty. This friend doesn't know the meaning of the word. To jump into a relationship with her ex this soon is such a slap in the face, and I would be questioning if this 'friend' may have even played a part in the BU. The OP obviously feels betrayed as well and to say she's not right to feel that way is insincere. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Sorry, but I have to disagree. This is a lovely altruistic view of moving forward and disregarding all emotional static that comes into view, but this is not a state of mind most people could achieve. In reality we do (unfortunately) have to deal with what feels hurtful to us. Now, were these two to get romantic after the OP is over her ex, that would be fine, but a measly two weeks? There is a quality a friend must possess and it is called loyalty. This friend doesn't know the meaning of the word. To jump into a relationship with her ex this soon is such a slap in the face, and I would be questioning if this 'friend' may have even played a part in the BU. The OP obviously feels betrayed as well and to say she's not right to feel that way is insincere. Thanks for the input. Let me clarify: Being overly fixated over the ongoings of others is not healthy, period. Part of accepting that a relationship is over is really making sure that there's sufficient distance from an ex in order to heal and move forward. What I am saying is that it's natural to gravitate away from them because this no longer concerns the OP in the first place. She needs to move on and worry less about what others are doing. The relationship is over. Regarding that friend of hers, if she doesn't like that type of behaviour she's completely entitled not to speak to that friend or distance herself to heal but opting to become bitter and attempt to control anyone (if she wants to ask her to stop it) is not acceptable or appropriate. Link to comment
LikeWater Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 Thanks for the input. Let me clarify: Being overly fixated over the ongoings of others is not healthy, period. Part of accepting that a relationship is over is really making sure that there's sufficient distance from an ex in order to heal and move forward. What I am saying is that it's natural to gravitate away from them because this no longer concerns the OP in the first place. She needs to move on and worry less about what others are doing. The relationship is over. Regarding that friend of hers, if she doesn't like that type of behaviour she's completely entitled not to speak to that friend or distance herself to heal but opting to become bitter and attempt to control anyone (if she wants to ask her to stop it) is not acceptable or appropriate. I agree that obsessing over what the two of them are up to will not do her any good. However, you can no more tell a grieving person to skip straight to acceptance than you can tell an addict to skip straight to the 12th step. OP, I'm truly sorry. This is not a situation you should have to be dealing with on top of a fresh BU. Link to comment
maew Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 hi all. wanted thoughts on a so called friend who dates your ex bf within 2 weeks of breakup ..I know what I think:icon_sad: I’ve had it happen... The first time it was 3 months after breaking up with the guy I was living with at the time... I lost it on her in front of a bunch of our friends, peeled out of the parking lot in my car (narrowly missing hitting another on my way out) and didn’t speak to her for over a decade. The second time one of my close friends was “hanging out” with my ex husband a year after we broke up... I yelled at her and didn’t speak to her for 6 months. Maybe I am not the best one to give advice here lol [emoji23]🤦🏻♀️[emoji12] Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 I'm a friend. Your so-called friend lacks discretion. I have a friend and if she were to break up with her boyfriend, I wouldn't pounce on him and snatch him up 2 weeks post-break up. Your friend lacks integrity. It's also awkward not to mention downright disrespectful of this friend now that your ex-boyfriend and your continued friendship with this friend will say God knows what behind your back. They're now sharing notes about YOU at YOUR expense. You are the butt of their jokes and the laugh is on YOU. There are so many scenarios and in many ways, it's a sense of betrayal. Your friend lacks good judgment. If she were intelligent, she would have a boyfriend who is not your ex-boyfriend and still maintain a very respectful, loyal friendship with you. She's shady. It doesn't matter that your ex-boyfriend is your ex-boyfriend and now that he is up for grabs, he's spoken for already. Your friend didn't exercise healthy boundaries in her mind. What she did was underhanded and your ex-boyfriend isn't innocent either. They're both shady. Do yourself a favor, drop the friend, your ex-boyfriend is history and let them have at it as they please. Now you know how to choose boyfriends and friends more wisely starting today and in your future. It was not all in vain. Wisdom on your part was gained. Good riddance to your ex-boyfriend and your friend. They're bad apples. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 she knew we were having problems before resolved stabbed me in back gave him attention on line A "friend" stabbing you in the back is never acceptable, regardless of the issue. She would no longer be my friend. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 My first thought is that the reason you and your ex were having problems is because your so called "friend" and your ex were getting involved way before your breakup. There is a certain place in hell for "friends" like her. I'm sorry you now have to grieve not only the loss of your ex but also of your friend. Its understandable if you don't block and delete the two of them from all social media right away but if you have that fortitude, doing so would help you to get to the stage of acceptance and then indifference that much quicker. I hope you have some other good friends and supportive family to help you through it all. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 It's over as in that relationship is over. What you choose to do with your life going forward is in your hands. What others choose to do with their lives is up to them. While it may feel strange or awkward at first they're are really entitled to do whatever they please. I think it's a bit incestuous to date that way and the natural tendency is to gravitate away from them. That feeling is natural. What isn't healthy is telling yourself that either of them are bad people when they simply are not. Move on with your life and do not fixate on others. Don't agree, at all! Breaks girl code. Have you considered that he was cheating with her before you split up? Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Seems overdramatic and a waste of energy. I thought about it again. If my husband wanted to date a friend of mine after we divorced for instance or broke up, so be it. It's his happiness and hers. I just don't see it the same way as a lot of you and I don't have it in me to waste my precious energy getting upset while I've got so much more living to do. It's all so petty. Honey, move on. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 How do they know each other? Through you or do you all go to the same school/work together?hi all. wanted thoughts on a so called friend who dates your ex bf within 2 weeks of breakup ..I know what I think:icon_sad: Link to comment
kim25 Posted May 10, 2019 Author Share Posted May 10, 2019 A "friend" stabbing you in the back is never acceptable, regardless of the issue. She would no longer be my friend. she is not Link to comment
kim25 Posted May 10, 2019 Author Share Posted May 10, 2019 How do they know each other? Through you or do you all go to the same school/work together? through mutual friend known her 10 years Link to comment
kim25 Posted May 10, 2019 Author Share Posted May 10, 2019 he rang last night intense call..he still loves me wants us to be friends quoting he isn't going anywhere .ive told him to move on now.. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Why haven't you blocked him? He does not love you, this is evident by his actions. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Yes, ex's should be off limits to friends and family. It kills the friendship. There is a saying - bros before hoes. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 If I had an ex-boyfriend or divorced the guy and my friend is now either his girlfriend or wife, it's impossible for me to maintain the same level of friendship with that friend. Something wouldn't ring true with that friend anymore and I would constantly question and distrust her discretion. It would bother me and the friendship would inevitably dissolve. That friendship would be over. Regarding the friendship, I couldn't look at her the same way anymore. There's a lack of "friendship code." Real, true blue friends don't do that to each other. Acquaintances and strangers will do that do you but not a real friend. Since the OP is asking about her friend, her friend is an ex-friend. Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Just debating outloud here and sharing thoughts: I think where I'm coming from is along the lines of lack of possession. We cannot possess someone and someone is never truly 'ours'. We are our own person and infinite onto ourselves - where we end and where we begin is entirely inside us, independent of any other living person/creature/thing. The only code I would follow is one of true happiness and live and let live. I would never stand in the way of any two people who seek that happiness together even if it involves me. A person should be allowed to transcend a relationship and exist outside of the relationship once that relationship ends. No ill feeling or badness. How can there be? When I think of any one of my friends or my spouse I love them in different ways. I couldn't possibly sever friendships because a relationship has evolved, dissolved and fault anyone if I myself have moved on. How can I also be a true friend if I'm the first to cast the stone, so to speak? A true friend should be able to transcend an evolution of the friendship. No one is cheating on anyone, no one possesses anyone, no one has hurt anyone. There's only total peace and I'd even celebrate their happiness. Live and let live, I think. We cannot possess each other and holding grudges is a dark path. Life is too precious to live that way. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 This is not a true friend and it is unacceptable. Regarding the friendship, it is AWKWARD. There is no way to ignore the fact that the friend pounced on your ex-boyfriend only 2 weeks post-break up. Something doesn't ring true about this friend and there is no way you can revert back to your previous, original, innocent, naive warm fuzzy feelings toward this friend. It's not about skipping through a meadow of flowers side by side with this friend anymore. It can't and won't happen. Some people can do it and pretend that everything is just peachy but it's that AWKWARDNESS which is very uncomfortable. This is the time when you know you are done. A real friend knows her boundaries and behaves accordingly. Whenever you start to question your friend, those are red flags which need to be heeded because those red flags are telling you there are other parts to your friend's moral character which is sorely lacking. It's not a matter of holding grudges. It's about letting go of friends who disrespect you even when your back is turned. That's the problem. Link to comment
Cherylyn Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 It's having mutual people in your midst which is high uncomfortable. For example, I truly doubt I could "be friends" with my friend if she were to date and / or marry my ex-husband or ex-boyfriend. Sure, I could be civil but to "be friends, pals and buddies?" I don't think so. You need to be realistic. I can't picture myself going on shopping sprees, having lunch and coffee with a friend who is now dating my ex-boyfriend and / or married to my ex-husband especially while the wounds are still so fresh, raw and sore. No way. I would begin to surround myself with a new crop of very high quality friends from now on. Link to comment
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