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For those who are a bit older


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What do you do when life starts taking more than it gives? You have more years behind you than ahead of you. Family members start dropping like flies your parents are old and frail and need nursing homes. You still work 12 to 16 hours a day for another 10 years . You still have kids at home . You are torn in every direction and everyone needs a piece of your time and attention. People complain you aren’t doing enough but you literally have no time to do another thing it’s just not even humanly possible .

 

How do you keep body and soul together without going over the deep end ?

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You have special challenges, Seraphim, with your son, so I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that I don't have that situation, which surely tugs at you in a very different way from anything I could imagine.

 

That being said, I can relate to the old part, lol. And parents who need special attention. My mom passed away earlier this year, and my dad has had certain health challenges that, even this week, we are all dealing with.

 

Here's the thing, and it bears repeating, even though it's said over and over again: "No" is a complete sentence. We can, and should, say "No" when we just....can't. It's ok to say that we are just not up to doing x, y, or z, because care of self and one's own family is Priority 1.

 

It's ok to say that you simply can't do this, or that, or put a time schedule on something that you can do. Yes, I can do X, but I can only do it by Y date. No sooner. Stuff like that.

 

Also, it's ok to take some time just for you, to do something that just you like to do. Even if it's sitting in a coffee shop with a good book, or getting a manicure. Just for you.

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I'll tell you an anecdote that just happened yesterday, with my sister. My dad had surgery last week, so he's not allowed to drive for a couple of weeks. My sister is the only sibling in his city. He called my sister yesterday to ask her teenage daughter to come over and take him to the grocery store, and my sister said no, as her daughter has a lot of activities going on. My sister offered to take his grocery order and place it online, but he said no, he wants to go to the grocery store. My sister and her husband both work full time, plus they have another child who is not yet driving age, so they have to drive her around. My sister very firmly told my dad that she had looked in his refrigerator and saw that he was stocked with groceries from before the surgery, and realized that he just wanted to get out of the house. So she told him that she will come over today and take him, for one hour. In other words, she was firm in her No for her daughter, but she said Yes with a time frame. My dad agreed. So, even though it wasn't exactly when he wanted, it gave him a time frame, and it also told him that he can't just call a 17 year-old to drop her life that day and take grandpa around. Mind you, my dad is the kindest, most wonderful man on the planet, but even for him, we have to give him boundaries of what we can do.

 

It made me realize: when we were kids, our parents gave us these "No's" and boundaries all the time. They didn't just drop their lives to take us places, did they? That's how we learn boundaries. So it's the same thing, in reverse.

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You have special challenges, Seraphim, with your son, so I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that I don't have that situation, which surely tugs at you in a very different way from anything I could imagine.

 

That being said, I can relate to the old part, lol. And parents who need special attention. My mom passed away earlier this year, and my dad has had certain health challenges that, even this week, we are all dealing with.

 

Here's the thing, and it bears repeating, even though it's said over and over again: "No" is a complete sentence. We can, and should, say "No" when we just....can't. It's ok to say that we are just not up to doing x, y, or z, because care of self and one's own family is Priority 1.

 

It's ok to say that you simply can't do this, or that, or put a time schedule on something that you can do. Yes, I can do X, but I can only do it by Y date. No sooner. Stuff like that.

 

Also, it's ok to take some time just for you, to do something that just you like to do. Even if it's sitting in a coffee shop with a good book, or getting a manicure. Just for you.

It has been a rough year. My mom fell 3 times this year breaking her back, her wrist in 3 places and 4 knuckles. She already has significant mobility issues . I will say though that she never asks for my help, ever . And she does have my stepdad who is perfectly physically capable . But even at 80 he still works full-time and he can’t stop because an investor lost their entire retirement fund and the place that he worked at years ago went bankrupt and they lost their benefits so pretty much he needs to work until he dies . My mom while only being 73 is significantly mobility challenged due to arthritis and joints that need replacing .

 

My father well, he doesn’t want my help anyway but whatever..... he is very significantly mobility challenged and has a scooter and is on dialysis is a severe diabetic and has heart and stroke issues and is starting a journey of dementia . Mind you being on dialysis he doesn’t have a lot of time . He lives alone and can’t afford to go to a nursing home. His sister phones me and tells me how I should step up even though he doesn’t want my help and he lives three hours away . And I would add as most people know he was a severely abusive parent which his sister does not know.

 

My in-laws are incredibly frail and we also live three hours from them as well as my parents . My mother-in-law has had surgeries three years in a row . My father-in-law has Parkinson’s and severe dementia . He is in hospital right now and has been removed from my mother-in-law’s care and is being sent to a nursing home . My mother in law is having another surgery next week for hip replacement because she is severely mobility challenged as well . My husband’s sister has been looking after them the past few years and has extreme caregiver burnout and has been screaming and demanding things from her brother . Even though her parents have the money for extra care and she has arranged extra care my mother-in-law just keeps cancelling everything .

 

At work my husband he’s the only person in his department right now when there should be five . Plus he has two side jobs as well as his full-time job . I run a daycare in our home from 6:30 AM to 5 PM which does not include cleanup or prep time . And we have our son with life challenges.

 

One of my aunts died a few months ago . A step uncle died 2 days ago. My sister in law screaming how my husband’s first loyalty should be to his parents. Her only coping skill is screaming . My husband’s only coping skill is to knuckle under so she shuts up. My aunt is demanding that I really need to look after my father even though he does not want me there and has told me extremely directly he doesn’t want me there . ( you are just a stupid c... woman and I don’t want or need you )

 

It is not like we are sitting on our bum doing nothing we are busy . every .single . weekend something needs to be done. We really can’t take anymore. My husband is getting close to needing to go to the mental health dept at work but with him wanting to commission that will go against him.

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I agree with LH! No is a fabulous word. You need to use it without feeling guilt.

 

How much does your husband contribute to all of the day to day stuff?

 

You must also take time for yourself, or you will not be good for anyone.

 

My husband contributes a lot at home. He does all laundry and cooks all suppers and does all the outside work. He has a full time job and two part time jobs.

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My dad’s only one sister is willing to help him and the only one close enough to help. My husband only has a sister the rest of their family is in the UK.

What is everybody else in the family doing for these people? You and your husband are not their only living relatives, are you?
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I'll tell you an anecdote that just happened yesterday, with my sister. My dad had surgery last week, so he's not allowed to drive for a couple of weeks. My sister is the only sibling in his city. He called my sister yesterday to ask her teenage daughter to come over and take him to the grocery store, and my sister said no, as her daughter has a lot of activities going on. My sister offered to take his grocery order and place it online, but he said no, he wants to go to the grocery store. My sister and her husband both work full time, plus they have another child who is not yet driving age, so they have to drive her around. My sister very firmly told my dad that she had looked in his refrigerator and saw that he was stocked with groceries from before the surgery, and realized that he just wanted to get out of the house. So she told him that she will come over today and take him, for one hour. In other words, she was firm in her No for her daughter, but she said Yes with a time frame. My dad agreed. So, even though it wasn't exactly when he wanted, it gave him a time frame, and it also told him that he can't just call a 17 year-old to drop her life that day and take grandpa around. Mind you, my dad is the kindest, most wonderful man on the planet, but even for him, we have to give him boundaries of what we can do.

 

It made me realize: when we were kids, our parents gave us these "No's" and boundaries all the time. They didn't just drop their lives to take us places, did they? That's how we learn boundaries. So it's the same thing, in reverse.

The boundaries issues is great and we have tried that . Which still results in screaming from my sister-in-law . And if you don’t cave-in to her the next year of holidays are an absolute misery because she makes sure of it . But last weekend my husband did tell her , look I will give you one day of the weekend I’m not taking three days to go down there . We had plans and that’s that .

 

Next weekend he’s going down again for three days because his mom is having her surgery . Of course it is right before a big event that I need him for but whatever. He has had to cancel more work opportunities and we’ve had to sell more tickets for events that we had then we know what to do with in the past six months because he has to run down there. And his mom has changed her surgery plans twice and the surgeon is about ready to go off the deep end as well.

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I don’t need to hire people first off my father-in-law never would’ve accepted anybody in his house he would’ve beat them to death . Literally. He wants no people in his home but his children. End of story. My Sister-in-law did hire people my mother-in-law cancelled them. But now that’s of no consequence because they’ve taken custody of my father-in-law anyway out of my mother-in-law’s care . And the province is placing him in a nursing home . My in laws can very well afford their own care they just don’t want it . You can’t force people inside someone’s door .

If you were not there, who would take care of things? One day you may not be so it's best to consider that. You can also hire people.
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I have one sibling. And my dad is just as sh*tty to him if not worse. And he work 16 hours a day and is a single dad with three teenagers. My husband has one sibling. And she was never married and doesn’t have children . And my dad only has one sibling that’s even willing to talk to him let alone deal with him . His brother he hasn’t talk to in almost 40 years because that’s the brother who raped me. He will never talk to him as long as he lives and that brother lives in BC anyway . He has a sister who lives a half an hour from me which is three hours from him who wants nothing to do with him . And it’s his younger sister who sees him once a month . But my husband and I each only have one sibling .

None of the folks have kids? You do not have siblings?
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My sister in law screaming how my husband’s first loyalty should be to his parents. Her only coping skill is screaming .

 

Nope, your SIL is completely wrong. Your husband's first loyalty is to his child, especially in your situation. Then, to his wife.

 

My belief is that it should all roll downhill, so that future generations take care of the next, not upward.

 

Stay firm in what you are able to do. You are able to X, by Y time, and that's it. Who cares if SIL screams....let her. Hopefully, she'll lose her voice for a while.

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Nope, your SIL is completely wrong. Your husband's first loyalty is to his child, especially in your situation. Then, to his wife.

 

My belief is that it should all roll downhill, so that future generations take care of the next, not upward.

 

Stay firm in what you are able to do. You are able to X, by Y time, and that's it. Who cares if SIL screams....let her. Hopefully, she'll lose her voice for a while.

Right, and my husband has tried to explain that to her . He said ,I have a wife I have a son I have an Inlaw family as well. And she just keeps screaming your loyalty should be to your parents your loyalty should be of your parents . He told her you don’t even know what I’m even talking about because you’ve never been married and so you have no clue .

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Right, and my husband has tried to explain that to her . He said ,I have a wife I have a son I have an Inlaw family as well. And she just keeps screaming your loyalty should be to your parents your loyalty should be of your parents . He told her you don’t even know what I’m even talking about because you’ve never been married and so you have no clue .

 

Well, I have no children, but I certainly feel this way towards my siblings....that their first priority is always their children. So just because the SIL has never been married has nothing to do with it.

 

You might have to get a mediator to put something in writing: On X days, you'll do this, on Y days, you'll do that. She doesn't sound like someone who can be reasoned with. She sounds like a nightmare, quite frankly, and she needs possible legal boundaries.

 

This isn't about having her do more work for her parents, or you doing less. It's about what you all can do, and what outside care might need to be brought in. Who cares if your MIL doesn't agree. She has the money, she'll get the outside care, and that's that. Or she can sit in her house and complain, and SIL can scream all she wants....only you'll be hanging up on her the second she raises her voice.

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Well, I have no children, but I certainly feel this way towards my siblings....that their first priority is always their children. So just because the SIL has never been married has nothing to do with it.

 

You might have to get a mediator to put something in writing: On X days, you'll do this, on Y days, you'll do that. She doesn't sound like someone who can be reasoned with. She sounds like a nightmare, quite frankly, and she needs possible legal boundaries.

 

This isn't about having her do more work for her parents, or you doing less. It's about what you all can do, and what outside care might need to be brought in. Who cares if your MIL doesn't agree. She has the money, she'll get the outside care, and that's that. Or she can sit in her house and complain, and SIL can scream all she wants....only you'll be hanging up on her the second she raises her voice.

Lucky for me I blocked her on my phone last year because of her lunatic behaviour. So one day hopefully my husband gets tired of her. Right now my son who judges nobody wants nothing to do with her or them.

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He also has told his mom and his sister with his new career he could be posted elsewhere in Canada or Internationally and we can’t always be counted on for help.

 

Even if he lives next door, he shouldn't be counted on to help.

 

If he continues to say this, then if the post doesn't come to pass, they're going to try and lean on him. He should start setting these boundaries now.

 

This isn't about throwing the elderly out with yesterday's trash. This is about seeing to one's own family, one's own special needs child, one's own life. Especially since they have the money to get care.

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Even if he lives next door, he shouldn't be counted on to help.

 

If he continues to say this, then if the post doesn't come to pass, they're going to try and lean on him. He should start setting these boundaries now.

 

This isn't about throwing the elderly out with yesterday's trash. This is about seeing to one's own family, one's own special needs child, one's own life. Especially since they have the money to get care.

For my husband it is his upbringing. He was pretty much taught your own family is the one that birthed you. And me , I was the interloper that “ stole “ their son. It should’ve been the four of them for the end of time as his dad said. My husband was very emotionally brow beaten as a kid and he just cow toes to them whatever they say . And to him his dad is a God . His hero his mentor his everything . He was very emotionally abused and taught to believe he doesn’t matter only they matter . And he will never get out of his head he is 50 years old .

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So I think this has less to do with age/aging and more to do with your particular family situation -certainly age factors in because older parents mean they likely will need more assistance from the family so I get that. But I will be 53 soon and we have a 10 year old. One surviving parent (my mother- she is just the best human being in the world next to my sister). It was so so hard for the 7 years my husband had to fly back and forth and unpredictably to our hometown to care for his ill parents (he is an only child).

 

Here are the things that help me FWIW - one, I think I am calmer and a wee bit less type A over the last 10 years -just maturity, parenthood and being married to a type B. I eat more healthfully and exercise daily (always exercised just daily now seems to work better for me/my health).

 

Funny -yesterday yes I was complaining about my day - my husband -who I begged not to go out for a power walk in the heatwave we are having -went and ended up with a headache "a little headache" he said but it got worse so he napped during the hours he typically would spend with our son. I had housework,unpacking, "work work" and prepping for first day of school work to do. One of his comments was that my "refrain" is how busy I am plus that if he did the house cleaning he wouldn't do as much as I do -meaning he thinks I make too much work for myself. Well, I think I do the bare minimum or perhaps a shade above but not at all too much, ever (and perhaps he didn't realize I had all that extra laundry/unpacking to do because of our recent trip). Anyway my point is sometimes it's a miscommunication/misunderstanding between partners especially if a lot of the work is behind the scenes which housework often appears like.

 

I hope things get better for you.

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