Hot and Cold

[Jason333]

I recently started seeing this girl (whom I've known for several months) and she seems so cold from time to time. She's a very independent girl and very career-oriented.

 

Sometimes I feel she's too independent and doesn't need me. I've been thinking about her the whole weekend and I've lost some sleep thinking about her. I think I have way too much feeling for her. She told me she likes me too but I know she doesn't like me as much as I do. She also has a problem with commitment. It's ironic that I want her to be more dependent on me. I really like her and want her to spend more time with me.

 

I'm afraid this may be a problem. She doesn't seem to need as much time with me. I'm afraid things won't work out this way. Also, she seems to be cold at times. I've had a relationship in the past with a girl like that. One of my ex's was very moody and it was very difficult for me and I loved her, too. I know there's no way for me to change the moodiness of a girl, but I want to know at least she has me in her heart.

 

Is it possible to have a relationship with a girl who's so independent? Granted, we work in the same place, but we only hang out about twice a week and this is the beginning stage. We hardly even talk on the phone. Don't most couples like talking on the phone? I'm not a big fan of the phone, but I'm stumbled on the fact that she hardly calls me.

 

This has been bothering me, because I always want to see or hear her but she seems so busy. And I miss her so much everyday. I wonder if it is just me. Should I relax and let things flow? How do I relax? I'm nervous in the beginning stage of a relationship because I want to build a strong foundation. I'm 25 years old and I've been through several relationships, but losing someone I like is always hard for me.

 

Please advice.

 

-Jason

[Ians Mommy]

I'm the EXACT same way. Ever since I was really young, I haven't depended on my parents to raise me, I've basically raised myself.

 

Relationship wise, I'm sort of the same way. My family raised me so that when it comes to relationships, I let the guy call me and not call him unless he asks me to. When I'm in a relationship, I don't want to go to school or work and just spend the time with that person but I know I have to go to school and work no matter what.

 

My last boyfriend had to sit me down and tell me half of the stuff you said in your post for me to realize that I had seen him like 5 times since we started going out and he wanted me to call sometimes, not just him. After that, our relationship was a lot better.

 

But with the phone thing, I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE. lol I just hate talking to anyone on the phone. Thank God for text lol.

 

Just talk to her.. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

[Momene]

The independence/clinginess balance in a relationship is one of those things that can make or break it. It's one of my big issues at the moment. For 15 years of marriage my wife wanted us to be joined at the hip but for the last 2 I've felt more like the invisible man.

 

Many would say that seeing each other twice a week while dating isn't bad but others would say it's nowhere near enough.

 

I doubt if you'll really get what you need from this girl. I hate to admit this but when I was in your situation, I had enough free time to go out and meet someone else who DID have more time for me.

[Jason333]

She's 22 years old and she's had past relationships, so I do expect her to be able to communicate better with people.

 

In my past relationships, my ex-gf's called me most of the time, and I like that, provided it's not too frequent. I told the girl I'm seeing that I'd like to hear from her more often.

 

I found my way into her schedule and talked to her tonight. She took out her calendar and tried to fit me into her schedule. She's going away this weekend but she said we'll do something next weekend, and something this week.

 

I guess it's a start.

[Ians Mommy]

That's kind of messed up that she has to "fit you into her schedule".

[Momene]

That's kind of messed up that she has to "fit you into her schedule".

 

Agree, it could be that she's just not that into you. Also, if she was she's build her schedule around you and not the other way round. maybe she's got issues about letting independence go in past relationships.

 

Any way, I'm sorry, it doesn't look good.

[Jason333]

I've talked to her since my last post. I think things are a bit better now. We saw each other every day for this week. She says it takes a while for her to settle in. We've seen each other for about a month (or less). Am I expecting a lot for her to call me everyday?

[Momene]

I've talked to her since my last post. I think things are a bit better now. We saw each other every day for this week. She says it takes a while for her to settle in. We've seen each other for about a month (or less). Am I expecting a lot for her to call me everyday?

 

I would expect to talk daily while dating but it doesn't have to be a long chat.

[someone_else]

If you don't feel as if she's ever going to care for you the way you care for her, GET OUT NOW!! Coming from my own personal experience, you will only end up like a puppy following her around waiting for the tiniest bit of affection... Not only will it hurt your feelings, but it will damage your self esteem even more (wondering what's wrong with you, why did she do this or that)..that kind of thing. They say the beginning is supposed to be the euphoria, right? If this is your beginnig, do you really want to stick around and see the middle, and inevitably, the end?

[Jason333]

I do feel she's capable of giving more care. And I do have faith in the relationship, that's why I think this is just a rough wave. At times she can be pretty nice to me, but recently she's just been in a bad mood when she's with me. Should I stop hanging out with her for a period of time, or should I ride the bad mood even though it hurts me. My thinking is that I want to be there for her.

[Jason333]

More information about our relationship

[robowarrior]

Personally i think this woman falls into the catagory that we call 'reserved' She is really reserved and busy in her mind with all sorts of things, and what you want is a woman that has 'time' for you, that is interested in you , what it all comes down to is that love has to go 'both' ways and im seriously not seeing that here. If your the only one who is investing into the relationship then its like nuturing an 'ice' cube. You'll only get 'cold' in return.

 

I think she has her hopes and her dreams ,but to say that you are what she 'expects' and wants in her life is something i simply don't believe. , so imagine you two go into a relationship, even if she has feelings for you, what good is it if you don't have time for eachother if your way too busy with work each day? One might as well be divorced if you two never get to see eachother.

 

The dilemma for her is that she lives to work, and not works to live. It would be better for her to take a step back and go for the brass instead of the diamonds in life, in a big place like New York people easily tend to pass by eachothers lives rather then spending time together in cozyness and love.

 

So what im going to do here is raise a red flag ,because all the signs here are that its going to be a one sided love , with a person that doesn't have time for you,and isn't interested in what you have to offer. Clearly the tides are against you.

 

I can advice you NOT to pursuede one sided love. Get yourself a woman who HAS time , who DOES love you, and who IS willing to spend quality spending time together with you.

[Jason333]

You are right on with the live to work thing. I, too believe that she lives to work, and I'm someone that work to live. Also, I live to love, and she loves to live. Obviously, I know her mind is occupied with a lot of other things, mostly goals of herself. I have realized that she is self-centered, because everything she does is for herself. She also mentioned that she does not want to stay in NYin the long term, so I already got a glimpse of the future.

 

Robowarrior, you're right that the tides are against me and a lot of things are not to my favor. However, I do have faith in our relationship, and I hope she will give me the same amount of attention in the near future. I guess I cannot ask for eternity in our relationship, so I'll just have to make the most out of it. What I'm saying is that I want to have a good time and make it last as long as possible. I have changed my expectations, knowing how things will be at the end.

 

But at the moment, she's all over my mind, and I can't stop thinking about her. I try to not think about her as much by doing other things and talking to other people. I don't want to knock her off my mind but I want to reduce the size of her role.

[RayKay]

This is kind of a tough situation to look at from the outside, it could be she is just a more reserved person, at least initially (since you have only been dating a couple months, it's not that abnormal to see each other a couple times a week "only"). Of course, it is also entirely possible this is how she IS, and that you and her may have very different relationship styles, and thereforeeee a big incompatibility. And obviously very different lifestyles (ie the working to live, live to work thing) and in my experience, this often causes clashes.

 

I think though, based on your last post, you have to determine whether she is the girl whom is going to be able to give you what you need as well. You have your own needs, and standards, and there is nothing wrong with that. You SHOULD have standards. So, bottom line is do you want to be with someone whom is self centered as you described.

 

Now, it is easy to say you will "distance yourself" knowing what the future might hold, but your heart is often not as likely to obey that. When you get into a relationship believing you can "guard yourself" and not let it get to you, I guess I just often see the opposite happen!

 

My concern hon is that you are settling for someone whom is already telling you in their actions you are not a priority. Be it a short term or long term relationship, only you can decide if that is really something you feel you deserve. Being with a girl whom thinks you are not a priority after all, and settling may only keep the girl whom WILL be more compatible and the right one away!

[ryan14]

i have the same situation, so how do you deal with a self centered person? how can you make them love you back?

[Momene]

i have the same situation, so how do you deal with a self centered person? how can you make them love you back?

 

You either have to be as self centred as they are (well almost will do) or it won't work.

 

You have to accept that you'll have to live with them as they are or dump them. You CAN'T change them.

[Jason333]

Thanks RayKay for the reply. I don't know how she acts in her previous relationships, but her independence makes me think she was always like this. Someone don't just turn independent over night, it takes time to build.

 

RayKay, I'm afraid what you say might be true -- that what I think I will do and what my heart feels are sometimes completely different. I know I say I will prepare for the future, but I know (from experience) that when the future comes, it will still hurt to see things not go my way. It's natural. But I just want to cherish what I have now.

 

I work to live. and she lives to work. I, personally think that if both persons lifestyle is 'live to work', then that will be a big clash. Because neither one would care too much about the other. Having one party 'work to live' is necessary in a relationship. It's like having a chaser and a chasee in a relationship. Obviously, the best scenario would be having both parties, 'work to live', which is like having two chasers in a relationship. Two chasees will never work; likewise, if two people 'live to work', then they will never dedicate themselves to their partner.

 

Furthermore, I work to live, and I live to love, whereas she loves to live, and she lives to work. By proof of statements, I work to love, and she loves to work.

 

If she's a 'reserved' person, how do I open her up? How do I make her see what I see? I don't think people should have a life like that.

 

I don't know what I'm thinking. I just want to make the most out of our relationship, but I'm so frustrated by her actions. I'm someone that likes to talk everyday and I think that's pretty normal in a relationship, but she's different. It doesn't bother her if we don't talk for more than a day.

[someone_else]

To be honest, if you really love her your heart is going to do the thinking for you. I hope she is capable of more for your sake. Good luck, but if in a couple months you are still questioning, I would seriously consider cutting your losses.

[moondog627]

I was in the same situation with the same type of woman. My advice... get out now while you can. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for you to detach yourself. My bet is she won't come around. And it's probably just how she is. If you're still going to see her then, at the very least, date other people to help keep your emotions in check. And in the process you might find someone that's more compatible with you. Good luck.

[Jason333]

I was in the same situation with the same type of woman. My advice... get out now while you can. The longer you wait, the harder it will be for you to detach yourself. My bet is she won't come around. And it's probably just how she is. If you're still going to see her then, at the very least, date other people to help keep your emotions in check. And in the process you might find someone that's more compatible with you. Good luck.

 

I know I run the risk of getting deeply hurt in the end, but it hurts me more to not try. I guess for my own protection, I will have to do what you say -- keep my emotions in check, I agree with you on this one. It's the only way I don't drive myself crazy. I guess I can see other girls. I dont' think I'll find anyone else or cheat on her, but at least that may help calm down my obsession.

 

It's there any way to make her focus more on me?

[moondog627]

I know I run the risk of getting deeply hurt in the end, but it hurts me more to not try. I guess for my own protection, I will have to do what you say -- keep my emotions in check, I agree with you on this one. It's the only way I don't drive myself crazy. I guess I can see other girls. I dont' think I'll find anyone else or cheat on her, but at least that may help calm down my obsession.

 

It's there any way to make her focus more on me?

 

Well, unless you guys had the exlusive talk it wouldn't be cheating if you pursued other women. Ironically, if you want to have any chance you most likely have to detach yourself from the situation. If, as you say, she has a lot going on then any more attention may make her feel smothered. Back off a little. Let her come to you. And if she doesn't she isn't worth your time. I highly recommend seeing other women as it will give you more perspective on this situation. Relationships should never be this difficult, especially in the beginning. She doesn't sound as if she's ready for anything serious just yet. Trust me, I was in the same boat as you. Do your best to detach yourself now.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Jason, I think it's good that you like her as much as you do and you miss her. I've noticed that a lot of men claim to want women who are independent and have their own lives, yet when they meet one, they complain about how independent their woman is.

 

I think you should relax about it. She could be reacting to you being too clingy(?). When one person over does the clinging, the natural rection of the other person is to back away. It's a lot like dancing.

 

That said, she should respect your feelings and have compassion for you, if she does not then that could be a problem.

[Jason333]

Jason, I think it's good that you like her as much as you do and you miss her. I've noticed that a lot of men claim to want women who are independent and have their own lives, yet when they meet one, they complain about how independent their woman is.

 

I think you should relax about it. She could be reacting to you being too clingy(?). When one person over does the clinging, the natural rection of the other person is to back away. It's a lot like dancing.

 

That said, she should respect your feelings and have compassion for you, if she does not then that could be a problem.

 

Yeah, I think she does. She asked to meet up with me today. I try to relax, but I tend to think a lot. And when not hearing from someone daily, I feel it's not right. How many relationships don't talk everyday? And is that healthy?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, I think she does. She asked to meet up with me today. I try to relax, but I tend to think a lot. And when not hearing from someone daily, I feel it's not right. How many relationships don't talk everyday? And is that healthy?

 

To be honest, I also prefer to talk everyday with someone I'm in a relationship with, and I tend to prefer quite a bit more time without my mate than most girls do. So I can see your point.

 

However, it does take a while for things to get to that stage. I do think that it's possible she just hasn't been seeing you that long, and thereforeeee is still trying to fit you into her life. Doesn't want to get to relying on you too much as a part of her daily life too soon before you two have had a chance to get to know eachother, and before she feels she can really rely on you. I'm telling you the truth I think this might be it. I know I'm pretty much exactly that way when I'm getting into a relationship. In the past when guys have moved way too fast and wanted to go from zero to instant intamacy and closeness, then I've resisted for sure.

 

Think of getting to know someone in a relationship as two different analogies. One has to walk before they can run. And also, think of getting into a really hot hottub. You ease in slowly, and get used to it.

 

Just let her set her pace and enjoy your free time. Ideally (if you allow her to go at her own pace, and don't push her) things should be progressing, and by that I of course mean not stagnating, and certainly not moving backwards. If you do this and things do not ever progress towards more closeness, then she may not be the person for you. Also, be sure that she knows you are someone she can rely on, who won't let her down, as that may cause her to push you away some more.

[Momene]

True in that when you first meet, you don't dive in too soon but apart from both extremes, being clingy or indepedent aren't wrong in themselves but if you're not in tune with each other, it can cause problems.