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Seeing a Married Woman for over a year - completely in love


ajrau

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Hi all,

 

I'm posting on here because i'm truly hurting. I am madly in love both emotionally and physically to a married woman, and she will not leave her husband despite her constantly telling me how much she wants to leave him and how much she loves and adores me. She's also said she only sees me in her future.

 

I really do believe she wants to be with me, but I can't help but feel she will make up another excuse as to why she "can't right now" or "it's so complicated." She's from a small country town (knows everyone), as is her husband and she seems so worried about letting people down with the prospect of divorce, which I can understand. It's been 15 months and we're incredibly intimate, we get along great, and I really do feel like she's the one for me. We have this amazing chemistry that i've never experienced before, but I feel immense guilt, frustration and jealousy when we're apart. Now, I haven't been pushing her because I know it's not my place to ask to her to leave immediately, but I feel like it's been a long time of "being so certain of me".

 

Recently, I decided to give her distance so she could sort out everything without me being of any influence and it's absolutely killing me. She didn't take it well and i'm terrified of losing her if I distance her too much, but I just can't keep waiting for something to happen. It's been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. She swears she's completely in love with me and has even said she wants kids with me and not with him. She seems so sincere and I trust her, but I just can't bear the thought of her with another man.

 

Have I done the right thing? As much as it hurts, I feel like she needs to do this without me in the background if she truly wants me.

 

Any advice is appreciated. I'm in a really bad place :(

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The only way out of this fire is straight through it.....and yes it will be painful....

 

How much longer you put up with this will be up to you.....

 

Whilst entangled in this you are not opening yourself up for a better relationship with someone else, and yes there are other women out there despite your addiction to this one.....

 

And lastly, if she's willing to deal with her defunct marriage by carrying on an affair, do you really think she wouldn't do it again if your relationship with her were to hit the rocks...??

 

Something to think about.....

 

Regards

 

Carus*

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“ She swears she's completely in love with me and has even said she wants kids with me and not with him. ”

 

She has no kids ? How old is she?

How long has she been married?

If she has no kids then what reason does she give for not leaving him?

Does she work?

Is her husband wealthy?

 

After 15 months there is a reason she is not leaving her husband and likely never will.

 

Of course she didn’t take the distance well , she WANTS an affair and so far you have done a great job.

 

How can you trust a word she says? You do realise she has been an incredibly good liar to her husband for 15 months.

He trusts her too.

 

And yes they are intimate.

 

End it. She will stay with her husband. She never intends on leaving him because of whatever he provides for her.

She will simply seek someone else to have an affair with.

 

In the meantime , you will be free to date someone who actually chooses you! Don’t you think you deserve that???

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She's worried about letting people down if she divorces, yet she's not worried about letting people down if they find out she's having an affair?

 

Dude. You are being played so hard. She isn't leaving her husband. It's time to do what you don't want to do, and forget her. She isn't yours to lose, anyway.

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15 months...she would have left him long time ago if she really meant the things she tells you.

 

Is she intimate with him? A very good chance of it.

 

Married people often get bored in their marriage and want a little excitement in terms of an affair. (the dirtbags do, not the decent ones). She wants something on the side but she still wants her husband.

 

That's not going to change. You also have to consider that she has very low morals. She is a liar and a cheater ad only cares about her feelings, not yours and not his.

 

She's not loyal to him and she's not loyal to you. She's bedding you both and stringing you both along.

 

It will only change if you walk away but she's not going to leave him.

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15 months...she would have left him long time ago if she really meant the things she tells you.

 

Is she intimate with him? A very good chance of it.

 

Married people often get bored in their marriage and want a little excitement in terms of an affair. (the dirtbags do, not the decent ones). She wants something on the side but she still wants her husband.

 

That's not going to change. You also have to consider that she has very low morals. She is a liar and a cheater ad only cares about her feelings, not yours and not his.

 

She's not loyal to him and she's not loyal to you. She's bedding you both and stringing you both along.

 

It will only change if you walk away but she's not going to leave him.

 

Even if she's intimate with the husband (probably is) I bet that she's telling him the cliche "we haven't had sex in years" that almost every cheater loves to pretend. She's throwing all the cheater cliches and he's eating it up.

 

OP I hope you don't disgrace your life over this and that when the husband finds out she's cheating on him and she manipulates him to believe she didn't do anything and you're the one pursuing her, that you don't get into trouble. Also remember that how you get them is how you lose them, so even if she left him and you became official with her and not just her side playtoy, she'd have no problems in cheating on you too.

 

I suggest counseling to find out why you're accepting this and willingly being played like this and work on the issues that made you think it was a good idea to be strung along by a married woman and facilitate her cheating. Maybe you're so afraid of commitment that you go for people you clearly can't (and shouldn't) have. Also maybe gain same empathy over her husband who's also being played and cheated on and lied too because he's a victim here. Think about what is like for him to have sex with his wife and not knowing that every time he does it, he's risking a STD without being able to do nothing about it and making informed decisions. Think about him maybe planning to have a family with her and yet she risking impregnating from another man. Think about him being lied when he asks her how her day was. Yes, think about how your actions affect others and not just on yourself and your feelings and maybe it'll help giving you some clarity about the situation and allow you to avoid situations like this in the future.

 

If you're so afraid of true commitment then get a very long distance girlfriend or something difficult like that but at least a single woman who's not willingly destroying the man she's with for her own ego and gain.

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That's why I cut it off. I'm feeling terrible about it all. I know what I have been doing is wrong, hence my utter depression and self loathing. Truth hurts, but this forum has hurt me more than support me. I;m on the edge

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Ajrau, no one is trying to hurt you. We are trying to help save you from yourself.

 

You've convinced yourself that getting involved with a married woman was a good thing and that she was being genuine with her words and feelings.

 

You need to hear the truth if you stand a chance at truly breaking free, healing and finding a woman of your own that you're not sharing.

 

You're strong enough to move past this and heal from it...it just depends on if you want to.

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That's why I cut it off. I'm feeling terrible about it all. I know what I have been doing is wrong, hence my utter depression and self loathing. Truth hurts, but this forum has hurt me more than support me. I;m on the edge

 

I didn't meant to make you feel bad, I really hope that you succeed in moving on and healing from this. However, sometimes reading these hard things can help opening our eyes and realize that we are not powerless, we have responsibility and accountability for our actions and therefor we CAN do better if we want to. You can get out of this and heal, but you have to take the first steps and really want to.

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That's why I cut it off. I'm feeling terrible about it all. I know what I have been doing is wrong, hence my utter depression and self loathing. Truth hurts, but this forum has hurt me more than support me. I;m on the edge

 

The forum has not hurt you.

This woman who has lied to you for 15 months has.

What are you going to to do about that realisation?

Dump the forum who you seem so upset about or dump the actual person who has caused your upset ?

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The forum has not hurt you.

This woman who has lied to you for 15 months has.

What are you going to to do about that realisation?

Dump the forum who you seem so upset about or dump the actual person who has caused your upset ?

 

 

I completely agree with you. It’s very hard to hear, and I guess that realisation came when I decided to leave, but I’m still hurting so much as a result. I just need to know I’ve made the right choice. I mean, is it possible she’s being genuine and there are factors I’m not aware of? I simply don’t know, and I can really only go off face value...

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Actions speak louder than words. She says one thing but her actions show the real truth.

 

You are her guy on the side and that is it. Her husband is security and probably supports her financially and you are nothing more than some excitement in her life. Who knows you may not even be the only guy she is cheating with.

 

Cheaters are selfish liars. It is that simple and has been proven over and over again. Time to stop making excuses for her and see her for who she really is.

 

Then it is time for you to take a good long look in the mirror and figure out how you thought having sex with a married woman was okay.

 

Nothing good will ever come from this

 

Lost

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Yes, of course you made the right choice.

 

Please think on a couple of things. A person who is truly in an unhappy or broken marriage isn't going to solve the problem by cheating on their spouse. They will seek divorce, get their life back on track and only then date - once they are healed and ready for a genuine connection with someone new.

 

People who cheat are liars. Think on it. Every single day she gets up and lies to her husband without blinking. You choose to trust what a liar is telling you? You think a person who will betray one person will magically be honest with another? Of course not and deep down, rationally you know this.

 

Hard truth is you don't know anything about her marriage. Most of the time, cheaters never leave their spouse because they are actually happy in their marriage. They cheat for other reasons - thrill, duper's delight (the pleasure they feel at lying, manipulating, and deceiving others and getting away with it). In fact, part of that intensity you are feeling is also the thrill part - the sneaking around, the stolen moments. There is nothing real about the affair and ironically, in those cases where the cheater gets caught and kicked out by the betrayed spouse and the affair partner steps into the shoes of the spouse.....the relationship quickly dies. The thrill is gone and you are left without a foundation and a complete lack of trust in each other. What they'll do with you, they'll do to you reality.

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You got involved with a woman who is bored with her marriage and wants to both hump the husband and to have a guy on the side. Nice.

 

Stay away from her and any other married woman--period.

 

BTW, get tested for STIs. You don't know if you're the only guy she is blowing smoke up their kilt.

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That's why I cut it off. I'm feeling terrible about it all. I know what I have been doing is wrong, hence my utter depression and self loathing. Truth hurts, but this forum has hurt me more than support me. I;m on the edge

 

The people here on this forum are trying to get you to wake up! The goal is not to hurt you but to have you see this is going nowhere. She isnt going to leave him or she would have by now. You are indeed being played.

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I completely agree with you. It’s very hard to hear, and I guess that realisation came when I decided to leave, but I’m still hurting so much as a result. I just need to know I’ve made the right choice. I mean, is it possible she’s being genuine and there are factors I’m not aware of? I simply don’t know, and I can really only go off face value...

 

It is possible the woman is being genuine... anything is possible... but it's highly unlikely and I think you know this if you look at the big picture.

 

Also, acting like a martyr isn't going to help your situation. Put the bat down, accept the consequences of your decision and the pain that comes with it, and decide how you will move forward through the pain to something better.

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arjau, believe it or not, your affair actually helped her stay in the marriage; having you on the side made it tolerable.

 

Now that you've left (which was the smart thing to do, for you) she'll just find someone else to fill the void in her unhappy marriage, I'm sorry.

 

I don't mean to sound hurtful, but once you realize you were not all that special to her, just someone to fill the void, it may make it easier to move on.

 

I only say this cause my own dad had affairs for years to fill the void in his marriage.

 

He never left the marriage, why? None of those women meant enough to him to leave. They were just void-fillers.

 

Eventually, he did meet a woman who was special enough for him to leave (who became my step mom), and he left very quickly. And married her once the divorce became final. She was the love of his life for 15 years till she passed and he never cheated again.

 

Don't ever allow yourself to be strung along like this, it's a self-esteem killer as you're disvovering now, sadly.

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Of course she seems sincere. That's what cheaters do. They are excellent liars, or they wouldn't be able to hold up the deception for so long.

 

I agree with maew; accept and move on. It will be a process, but you deserve better.

 

I am very sorry that you're hurting, but it's better that you learn this now rather than give this woman another year, month, day of your life.

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If she DID leave her husband, dontcha think this proves she doesn't take marriage seriously and would just cheat on you, too?

I would make sure to never contact her again and block her number.

 

What about you makes you go after unavailable women? Do you not feel worthy of a real relationship?

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