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Is it really a downgrade or an upgrade?


mandeelove

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I feel this topic hasnt been dicussed on here and Im really looking for solid ways to alter my mindset on it. Its something I want to change.

 

I have always said the only thing that matters is how a person treats you. Not what they have in money or status. Ive always dated blue collar guys.... Until I met my ex. As time went on I discovered how rich he really was as well as his family. They had status and knew alot of important people. It would feel like a glamorous life. We'd go out and it would feel like hollywood status. It was a world where nobody struggled financially, the word mortgage was a taboo. The word debt was taboo. I couldnt relate to it . I came from a working class upbringing. But it grew on me and it became like nothing. Things people would find outrageous would be like nothing to me now. Like buying a house in full cash . So my mind got altered....

 

I wanted this for my future. I inserted myself in the life of attractive and rich people. I loved it. My future kids would have a great life. Right? ...wrong....

 

As many of u read,this ex was abusive to me. He treated me bad. U can read the posts. Not getting into it on this post again. But i realized how it all meant nothing if ur a crappy person. Left him finally.

 

But since ive been swooped up into this hollywood type life and now spit back to reality ,i am very altered. I am a working class woman who wants a good man to treat me good... But its an adjustment to go back to working class men. I want my original feelings back where i felt good around anyone who works a 9 to 5. Where i can just focus on how they treat me and not what they can give me.

 

Ive been talking to regular men and now the thought of debt scares me. The thought of bad credit scares me. The thought of having to have tough financial times scare me. I dont have bad credit. Im not in debt so why should I settle?. Thing is, these guys are great people so theyd make good partners.

 

How do I stop this fantasy life my ex put into me and just focus on good treatment now. I dont want to overlook good men.

I believe my ex was so negative on the working class it almost rubbed off into me AND I dont want that bcuz I am working class and want a happy marriage with love.... not just money.

 

I hope I didnt come off as superficial. I am a person who was never superficial, became it because of a lifestyle change, and now want my old thinking back.

 

Has anyone ever been in this situation. Any feedback is great. Thanks

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Try not to reduce people down to a dollar bill. I have a friend who barely has two cents to her name yet she’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had . She raised her twins on her own after fleeing an abusive situation . She has worked hard and struggled her whole life . She’s an awesome person with more friends than people can count .

 

Money doesn’t buy you love and you can’t take it with you .

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I've never been in this situation exactly, but no shame in it.

 

Bottom line: I think all these questions are really just proxies for the fact that you're still working through some feelings regarding your last relationship. You see that he was wrong for you, that you deserved to be treated with respect, and now you're on the other side of that—great! But you also want romance and connection and partnership—who doesn't!—and as you seek it you're inevitably going to compare new people to the past person, as well as yourself today to who you were pre last person. That's just human, and something that will fade in time.

 

It makes sense that you miss a lot about the "hollywood" life. Still, you're hardly corrupted by it just because you now want someone who treats you well AND doesn't weigh you down with bad credit and debit. It's not binary, in other words. It's not a choice between maltreatment but glamor or good treatment but financial instability. There are plenty of men out there who work solid jobs, don't come from extraordinary wealth, but have their ducks in a row. There are also men who from from extraordinary wealth, or who have done well for themselves, but don't treat women terribly.

 

You just haven't met that guy yet, whatever shape he comes in, but that's okay. Knowing what you want is the first step toward opening up the space for it to enter.

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As many of u read,this ex was abusive to me. He treated me bad.

 

All the money in the world means nothing if the person is abusive.

 

Your post starts off with this glamorous lifestyle, surrounded by people of riches, where the word "mortgage" is shunned.

 

Halfway in, you state that this rich guy, with all these rich friends, was abusive.

 

This isn't about a downgrade or an upgrade. It's always an upgrade to leave abuse.

 

And yes, you sound superficial, sorry to say. You spent a lot more time, and words, explaining the "hollywood lifestyle", than you did on the important fact: this guy was abusive. Talk about burying the lead.

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I've never been in this situation exactly, but no shame in it.

 

Bottom line: I think all these questions are really just proxies for the fact that you're still working through some feelings regarding your last relationship. You see that he was wrong for you, that you deserved to be treated with respect, and now you're on the other side of that—great! But you also want romance and connection and partnership—who doesn't!—and as you seek it you're inevitably going to compare new people to the past person, as well as yourself today to who you were pre last person. That's just human, and something that will fade in time.

 

It makes sense that you miss a lot about the "hollywood" life. Still, you're hardly corrupted by it just because you now want someone who treats you well AND doesn't weigh you down with bad credit and debit. It's not binary, in other words. It's not a choice between maltreatment but glamor or good treatment but financial instability. There are plenty of men out there who work solid jobs, don't come from extraordinary wealth, but have their ducks in a row. There are also men who from from extraordinary wealth, or who have done well for themselves, but don't treat women terribly.

 

You just haven't met that guy yet, whatever shape he comes in, but that's okay. Knowing what you want is the first step toward opening up the space for it to enter.

I really think thats a great way of putting things. Thank you for your feedback!!!
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It's interesting, I grew up much differently from you mandee, I had the privileges, etc. So one would think I would be attracted to that type of "hollywood" lifestyle but I'm NOT. Far from it!

 

I have been exposed to it at certain points in my life and personally am disgusted by it so rejected it and the men who lived it, and offered that to me. That type of life is a huge turn off for me, its decadence, opulence, self-entitlement among other things.

 

I also found those living it to be phony and disingenuous, I could NOT relate to them at all!

 

That's not to say I don't enjoy a comfortable lifestyle and a man who is ambitious and strives to achieve that, I do! But I tend to be drawn to men for other reasons, not what they can provide for me financially.

 

I know I'm probably sounding extremely judgmental, sorry I really don't mean to be! And I can understand why you might be drawn to it.

 

Perhaps striving to find a balance may be the more realistic approach though. A man who is ambitious and has goals of reaching a certain financial status that he's comfortable with, combined with honesty, integrity and a willingness to connect with you mentally, emotionally, physically (and spiritually if that's important to you) in the way that you need.

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It's interesting, I grew up much differently from you mandee, I had the privileges, etc. So one would think I would be attracted to that type of "hollywood" lifestyle but I'm NOT. Far from it!

 

I have been exposed to it at certain points in my life and personally am disgusted by it so rejected it and the men who lived it, and offered that to me. That type of life is a huge turn off for me, its decadence, opulence, self-entitlement among other things.

 

I also found those living it to be phony and disingenuous, I could NOT relate to them at all!

 

That's not to say I don't enjoy a comfortable lifestyle and a man who is ambitious and strives to achieve that, I do! But I tend to be drawn to men for other reasons, not what they can provide for me financially.

 

I know I'm probably sounding extremely judgmental, sorry I really don't mean to be! And I can understand why you might be drawn to it.

 

Perhaps striving to find a balance may be the more realistic approach though. A man who is ambitious and has goals of reaching a certain financial status that he's comfortable with, combined with honesty, integrity and a willingness to connect with you mentally, emotionally, physically (and spiritually if that's important to you) in the way that you need.

Thats Interesting.! I have heard these stories of the wealthy being repulsed by that lifestyle. You know it better than me. I havent been exposed to it, thats why it was more enticing to me than a person who was born into it. But I also never looked for guys who were wealthy. This just kind of happened and now Im looking to readjust my mind and come down to reality.

 

But i think youre right about finding a balance between what I need emotionally from a guy and also at the same time he has goals and a good relationship with money. This doesnt mean he has to be rich but atleast has the same relationship with money that I have.

Thanks for your feedback

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Almost 30 years ago now I met a barely 20 year old boy. He had nothing at the time . But we made our life together and he loves me to pieces. We may never be Hollywood but doesn’t matter . As far as I’m concerned we have something way better.
That is what love is all about. Thats how I always felt too. Money cant buy love. I want my original mindset back about this.
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I don't think you can really decide these things until you meet the person. No one wants to be poor or in debt. Some do not like the trappings of wealth and work to avoid them. It's all based on decisions you make as the situations arise. It's easy to say, I don't want this or that... but what if you fall for someone that isn't what you thought you wanted. Or you could be with someone that is one thing and their circumstances change.

 

Lastly, I challenge you to focus on the type of life you want, to provide for yourself and not at the hands of a partner.

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Just to clarify, I did not grow up within that type of lifestyle. My only exposure to it was a couple of men I met who exposed me to it and it was just for a short while because it was a huge turn off for me and I rejected them.

 

Which they did not take very well, talk about self-entitlement! I had one guy screaming into my speaker phone at work because I meant to hang up on him (he became verbally abusive on phone) and I mistakenly hit speaker (instead of the hang up button) and the entire office was witness to his wrath - I kid you not!

 

Apparently he could not wrap his extremely shallow and self-entitled brain around the fact I was rejecting him - oh the horror! lol

 

Anyway yes I did grow up in an affluent area of NYC and while many were very wealthy (we were considered upper middle class), no one lived like that, not caring about mortgages or debt or all the other things you described. The decadence, self-entitlement, etc.

 

Everyone was pretty "normal" and down to earth and had strong values, ethics and integrity. It's how I was raised and why I reject that type of lifestyle today.

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Honestly, I believe that this glamorous lifestyle can be enticing for some people. Personally I like it up to a certain extent. But everything becomes a habit after a while and subsequently boring. Even if you live this super glamorous lifestyle for X months-years it loses its value. You debunk the myth in a way.

 

It's not a shame that you like this lifestyle. Why shouldn't you? As you realized though, someone who has tons of money will not make your life better-maybe easier in some ways, yes. Materials have as much value as you make them to have.

Don't worry, if you keep searching you will find someone that has not debt, likes you and makes you happy. :)

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I don't think it's terribly complicated. You liked having nice ****. Most people do. Now you don't. It's a bummer.

 

Speaking personally, I make a decent living, Left to my own devices, my income would put me middle class, maybe a baby rung below it during slower seasons. When looking at where most those who came out of my community back home are now, you won't catch me complaining one single bit. Still, my lady makes much more than I do. Did I marry her for her money? Nope. It's relatively recent within the range of our relationship that she'd started practicing and bringing in the dough. But would I be full of crap if I didn't admit there'd be an added level of suck were we to separate and I consequently lost a lot of those nicer things I've now got in my life? It'd be coming out of my ears.

 

Quite naturally, you're experiencing that suck, and I really do think it's as simple as seeing if you can't have that all back but with a man who's worth the money he has. Fair play, I suppose. That's what I'm infinitely fortunate to have, and I gotta say... two thumbs up. Can't blame you for dreaming. But having all the amazingness that comes with having a friend and lover with such luxuries isn't something I think anyone should rationally expect. At the end of the day, you should always be willing to fall back on the quality of life you can provide for yourself. It may take a bit of time for your head to come back down from the clouds, but I'd let that time pass, ideally while taking a break from romantic ventures.

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I dunno maybe I misinterpreted but what mandee described sounds much more extreme and decadent that simply having nice things and nice comfortable life.

 

And my opinion also might be tainted as I was exposed to this "hollywood" lifestyle which is completely different from being wealthy, being able to afford a beautiful home, nice things, vacations, etc.

 

It's the decadence, debauchery, over-indulgence, and overall attitude that they are somehow "better" than us 'regular' folks that I personally can't stomach.

 

I also think the fact that the one and only man who offered her this lifestyle abused her is very telling, yet this what she wants for herself again?

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Ive been talking to regular men and now the thought of debt scares me. The thought of bad credit scares me. The thought of having to have tough financial times scare me. I dont have bad credit. Im not in debt so why should I settle?. Thing is, these guys are great people so theyd make good partners.

 

It sounds to me like your reasoning is warped. Not ALL regular/ working class men have debt. Where did you get that idea? Don't you see the absence of logic in that? Sounds to me like these guys you ve been talking to are not a representative sample. There are plenty of middle class men that don't have debt and in fact bad credit is a reasonable deal breaker to have. I suggest that you stop equating working class men to bad credit and keep trying to meet regular people who are financially responsible even if they are not "rich". Problem solved.

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To me, it sounds like you crave for a man to take care for you all the material and financial worries of living.

 

The feeling. Of not having to THINK about it.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

It's not that uncommon a desire. And given your strong preference for the 'traditional' dynamic of man as the provider for a woman, I do think I'm on to something here :)

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To me, it sounds like you crave for a man to take care for you all the material and financial worries of living.

 

The feeling. Of not having to THINK about it.

 

 

I would be inclined to agreed with you had she not said this in her original post:

 

As time went on I discovered how rich he really was as well as his family. They had status and knew alot of important people. It would feel like a glamorous life. We'd go out and it would feel like hollywood status.

That said, I agree, what you suggested about having a man take care financially and a woman not having to worry about it, is not uncommon, many women desire that, especially like you said a more traditional woman.

 

Perhaps mandee can return and clarify, my thinking is what she wants is a little of both, but I'm just speculating.

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To me, it sounds like you crave for a man to take care for you all the material and financial worries of living.

 

The feeling. Of not having to THINK about it.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

It's not that uncommon a desire. And given your strong preference for the 'traditional' dynamic of man as the provider for a woman, I do think I'm on to something here :)

 

So your post makes me feel a little ill for a different reason -or a slightly different one. You liked what he could provide for you - and nowhere in your post have I seen any inkling that, hmmmm, if you like that lifestyle why not get it for yourself by yourself? There are several really lucrative jobs/careers/professions - many require a certain level of schooling so you invest in yourself and hope that you get the big $$ job at the end so you can pay off your school loans and come out ahead. But if you like that lifestyle -and that's fine - then get it for yourself not from a man. Then if you meet a man who doesn't make as much as you decide how to proceed -maybe you are the main provider, maybe you scale back so that you keep your assets as a nest egg for the future and add to your savings ,etc. It makes me feel a bit ill that in this post (and in your past posts) I've never heard you consider achieving this on your own. You want a financial upgrade? Find out what you need to do and do it. You don't have kids right now, right? That is really significant because it gives you more freedom/options to pursue a different career or a grad degree or whatever degree you need to command a higher salary.

 

And no I am not a fan of get rich quick schemes.

 

I did this for myself. Many years before I married I knew I'd want to be home full time for longer than maternity leave. So I pursued a career that commanded a high salary if you were willing to work your behind off and work long, unpredictable hours and I paid off my grad school loans ASAP and socked away a nest egg so that if I married someone who would be struggling to provide for me to be at home full time I could contribute from my savings as needed. It felt really good to bring that to the table and expanded my dating options given my full time parent goal.

 

Unlike you I didn't want the glamour and wealth -I had tastes of that with certain men I dated and was involved in and sure it was fun, of course - but I didn't have being rich as a goal -just enough so that we could live in a safe, nice neighborhood with good schools (or be able to afford private school) and be able to save $ and not be overly worried about $. I would say we live well within our means, we are not extravagant, and we like to travel but we don't travel extravagantly (nor do we stay in fleabag motels -somewhere in the middle!). But I did have life goals that required a certain amount of $.

 

Also please don't paint rich people with some kind of broad brush. There are poor and rich people who are stingy and shallow - it's about values not your bank account. Figure out what yours are and figure out how to reach your goals on your own and then you will attract men who admire a partner who pulls her own weight. Huge turn on IMO.

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I would be inclined to agreed with you had she not said this in her original post:

 

As time went on I discovered how rich he really was as well as his family. They had status and knew alot of important people. It would feel like a glamorous life. We'd go out and it would feel like hollywood status.

That said, I agree, what you suggested about having a man take care financially and a woman not having to worry about it, is not uncommon, many women desire that, especially like you said a more traditional woman.

 

Perhaps mandee can return and clarify, my thinking is what she wants is a little of both, but I'm just speculating.

I would want both. Someone who is smart with money and knows how to handle money. But he doesnt have to be rich. And someone who treats me good.

 

I never dated rich before...only happened to fall into it with the last guy. In the beginning I thought he was working class but little by little (through lifestyle happenings) I realized he was on a whole diff level. He had purchased way over a million dollar home in cash when we dated. I was baffled. He was only in his 30s. And even after that he wasnt in a financial hole by any means.

 

The thing that made his money bad is he looked down on people. Made jokes of people who were worse off and if we fought, he used money as a tactic to abuse me by saying I should go out with a poor man who has an apartment because I deserve that. Whatever that means!

 

So If he was a good guy who treated me great ,I would think his money was a plus obv. But he did not treat me good at all.

 

 

The thing I guess I need to look for is a good person who is financially smart. He doesnt have to be rich. But I want to be comfortable in life. WHo doesnt.

 

Its a glamour life. Its easy. The fact I was apart of it, now not, is just an adjustment. I have to realize that was abnormal type of cash flow. And the man was sn abuser. Id rather a good guy with less money if it means no abuse.

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I would want both. Someone who is smart with money and knows how to handle money. But he doesnt have to be rich. And someone who treats me good.

 

I never dated rich before...only happened to fall into it with the last guy. In the beginning I thought he was working class but little by little (through lifestyle happenings) I realized he was on a whole diff level. He had purchased way over a million dollar home in cash when we dated. I was baffled. He was only in his 30s. And even after that he wasnt in a financial hole by any means.

 

The thing that made his money bad is he looked down on people. Made jokes of people who were worse off and if we fought, he used money as a tactic to abuse me by saying I should go out with a poor man who has an apartment because I deserve that. Whatever that means!

 

So If he was a good guy who treated me great ,I would think his money was a plus obv. But he did not treat me good at all.

 

 

The thing I guess I need to look for is a good person who is financially smart. He doesnt have to be rich. But I want to be comfortable in life. WHo doesnt.

 

Its a glamour life. Its easy. The fact I was apart of it, now not, is just an adjustment. I have to realize that was abnormal type of cash flow. And the man was sn abuser. Id rather a good guy with less money if it means no abuse.

 

The comments he made about money had nothing to do with him having money. If he was that kind of person he would have found a way to make similarly nasty comments whether about money or otherwise. Not sure if you are going to respond to my post but if you want to be financially comfortable -however you define that -do that for yourself.

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@Batya, I could be wrong I don't have time to go back and search her previous threads, but I think he was the same guy who actually wanted her to make more money, have a more established career; in fact if memory serves me correctly he badgered her about it, about her getting a job with better benefits, better salary, almost to the point of it being emotional abuse.

 

I think he even threatened to break up with her if she didn't become more ambitious and achieve these things -- for herself.

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I come from a very poor family, though both my parents were well educated and there were plenty of books around the place, so it was very rich in terms of intellectual resources. My response to my upbringing has been to be able to get by comfortably on very little; I'm an artist and a lot of my friends are similar.

 

Over the years when I've dated very wealthy men, their money was secondary to how interesting they were to talk to, did they stop to reflect on the world, were they fun to be with... all that. I've also been aware that if I didn't feel the relationship was likely to last, a part of me was always careful not to get seduced by conspicuous wealth, to be drawn into a lifestyle I wouldn't be able to sustain if I was on my own. I like my relationships to be an equal partnership, and realising that (yep, it took a long time; my mother was the breadwinner in our family and to an extent I followed her example!) has been instrumental in making wiser choices. Glamour and glitz are fun, too, as long as you realise that's all they are and don't look to them for anything deeper.

 

It's important to work out what your priorities and values in life are, and become proficient in achieving them for yourself without looking to a partner to provide them for you. Then the question of whether any particular relationship is a 'downgrade' or an 'upgrade' will answer itself very quickly...

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@Batya, I could be wrong I don't have time to go back and search her previous threads, but I think he was the same guy who actually wanted her to make more money, have a more established career; in fact if memory serves me correctly he badgered her about it, about her getting a job with better benefits, better salary, almost to the point of it being emotional abuse.

 

I think he even threatened to break up with her if she didn't become more ambitious and achieve these things -- for herself.

 

Yes I think you are right but I wouldn't want that to be her motivation and he seemed to not really have her best interests at heart when he criticized her in this way. I don't know if it was abuse and don't like throwing around that label -I know she feels it was.

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