Moving Forward in Relationship

[Dawn4379]

Hi Everyone:

 

I would like some honest advise I am stressing about lately. Dating someone for 3 years both of us are 50 and 47 years of age. We have talked about him moving out of his family home which he shares with a brother and sister and helps financially and moving in to a new place with me. See I currently own my home but he is not comfortable being there as he cant call the shots on what goes on plus he pays nothing to stay there ..Now I am willing to sell and rent untill he gets on his feet with a full time job ..he works construction which is great when there is work but unemployment when he is off. He talks about changing careers but always has an excuse. Im a very independent woman and have owned 4 houses and always worked hard to get where I am in life. He seems to think all I care about is money and he cant buy a house with me untill he gets on his feet..well I said okay lets put a timeline of 2 years for you to get your life together and have a future with me ..He gets upset and said i shouldnt pressure him..My questions is Is he just using me and will he ever really commit to buying a house or me selling and renting togetther?

[SarahLancaster]

Dawn, I hate to say it, but asking him to move in with you sounds like a formula for disaster.

 

At his age, he's not suddenly going to find a lucrative career. And he probably doesn't want to move out of a comfortable situation where he isn't required to pay any rent.

 

Are you sure this is the man for you? You're independent, generous, and looking for someone who doesn't make excuses. He doesn't sound like a real catch to me.

[LC8328]

I have to agree with Sarah.

 

I currently own my home but he is not comfortable being there as he cant call the shots

 

You are an independent woman who worked hard to get where you are. Then some guy strolls in your life and feels "uncomfortable" in your house because HE can't call the shots?

 

Well, too freaking bad. You built a life for yourself and to ask you to take everything you've worked so hard for all these years and basically give that control to him...to a person who isn't motivated to look for a job...is absolutely a disaster in the making.

 

You asked for our honest opinions. Here is mine. 3 years of investment with this guy is a drop in the bucket compared to what can happen if you stay with this clown. You and I are close in age so I am particularly concerned about your situation. There is a better man out there for you -this I am sure of.

[Wiseman2]

Don't get hustled just because you are lonely.

[Rose Mosse]

What is drawing you to this man?

 

You're both in completely different orbits.

[Honeycomb8]

He sounds like a bum.

 

Get yourself a man that has their sht together.

[AlexanderK]

I don’t know the guy so I can’t predict his behavior and I can not possible know if he is using you.

 

If I were you I would stop worrying about his intentions and what he is really going to do. I would focus on what my feelings are towards him and what I want from this relationship (or from a relationship in general).

 

If the person I’m with meets my current needs and wants, I would stay with him and stop worrying about if this or if that. Otherwise I’d step away and find someone else.

[Sportster2005]

It is about money. He has none. Accept it. It's your prerogative not to support him. It's not your prerogative to pressure him to 'get his life together'.

 

His motivation is survival. Giving up a free place to live when his work is sporadic may not be a good idea. Also, his brother and sister may rely on his contribution. It also sounds like if he did contribute, he still doesn't get to call the shots. That's not a partnership. That's you having a renter. Regardless, you sound like a poor match. If money is important to you, find someone more your economic equal, or accept the good with the bad. Or maybe he'll find someone less financially demanding.

[Sportster2005]

Why is it acceptable for women not to work and have a partner, but when the roles are reversed the man is a bum?

[reinventmyself]

It is about money. He has none. Accept it. It's your prerogative not to support him. It's not your prerogative to pressure him to 'get his life together'.

 

 

Thinking the same and hoping she didn't use those exact words!

[katrina1980]

He sounds like a bum.

 

Get yourself a man that has their sht together.

 

I second this.

 

I'm going to get judgmental here but what's with all these threads from super successful women with great careers, own several homes, etc dating older men with no money and no job?

 

Who make a living off giving excuse after excuse to their well off girlfriends so they can continue mooching off them?

 

My goodness the man is 50 years old!

 

No he's never going to commit to you, he's a loser and a user.

 

My advice?

 

Get rid!!

[Dawn4379]

I have to agree with Sarah.

 

 

 

You are an independent woman who worked hard to get where you are. Then some guy strolls in your life and feels "uncomfortable" in your house because HE can't call the shots?

 

Well, too freaking bad. You built a life for yourself and to ask you to take everything you've worked so hard for all these years and basically give that control to him...to a person who isn't motivated to look for a job...is absolutely a disaster in the making.

 

You asked for our honest opinions. Here is mine. 3 years of investment with this guy is a drop in the bucket compared to what can happen if you stay with this clown. You and I are close in age so I am particularly concerned about your situation. There is a better man out there for you -this I am sure of.

 

Thank you for the honesty as sometimes I really need it. Yes I'm very independent and have built a great life for myself through my own hard work. Nothing was ever handed to me thats for sure. I know you are right and I totally agree with the comments. Just spoke with him and said this is never going to work as you are not motivated enough for me and my life will be dragged down by you..

[Dawn4379]

Agree with all the comments and have walked away

[Dawn4379]

I would never say he is a bum just unmotivated to better his life

[itsallgrand]

Why is it acceptable for women not to work and have a partner, but when the roles are reversed the man is a bum?

 

It's not. A bum is a bum, with or without a vagina.

[katrina1980]

Playing devil's advocate, I think it's more "acceptable" for women because generally speaking, men are, and always have been, looked upon as being the "providers."

 

I am not saying I agree with it, just that that's the way it is, even today.

 

When we encounter a man who is not motivated to make money, is lazy, unmotivated to work, earn a decent living, and living off a woman, we (society) tend to judge him for not wanting to take the traditional role of provider, which many women (even today) interpret as him caring.

[SarahLancaster]

Agree with all the comments and have walked away

 

Dawn, I'm glad you made that decision. You'll find someone who is equal to all of your qualities. Good luck**

[itsallgrand]

Playing devil's advocate, I think it's more "acceptable" for women because generally speaking, men are, and always have been, looked upon as being the "providers."

 

I am not saying I agree with it, just that that's the way it is, even today.

 

When we encounter a man who is not motivated to make money, is lazy, unmotivated to work, earn a decent living, and living off a woman, we (society) tend to judge him for not wanting to take the traditional role of provider, which many women (even today) interpret as him caring.

 

Women were 'traditionally' , in many cultures, property owned by men. They still are to varying degrees around the world.

Even in my grandmother's time, she did not have the same rights I do. My grandfather owned property. She lived on it . When she had a heart attack giving birth to one of my aunts, she did not get consulted by the doctor. It was up toy grandfather what would happen to her and whether or not she would have more children. Etc.

 

' Provider' always was and still is a euphemism. Who has time for that?! Say what it really is. Some women and men do not believe in equal rights.

[Rose Mosse]

Playing devil's advocate, I think it's more "acceptable" for women because generally speaking, men are, and always have been, looked upon as being the "providers."

 

I am not saying I agree with it, just that that's the way it is, even today.

 

When we encounter a man who is not motivated to make money, is lazy, unmotivated to work, earn a decent living, and living off a woman, we (society) tend to judge him for not wanting to take the traditional role of provider, which many women (even today) interpret as him caring.

 

I'll bite.

I agree with you up to an extent but disagree when it comes to the reality of cost of living. I do know someone who is resentful that she has to work (she never wanted to work, wanted to be a stay at home mum exclusively the way her mum provided for the kids). When I brought this up with my husband he had a good laugh. Depending on the man, I'm doubtful that a lot of men or women look favourably on this set up especially in today's competitive market and increasingly high cost of living. We(us personally) also live in an expensive city. There is not much room for archaic formulas even though some may still daydream of a different time. Not having a job is not interpreted as being "caring" or an alternative to "provider" (or being a different kind of provider). It's simply irresponsible and unrealistic.

 

I don't think it's entirely a matter either of being a provider or not or having money or not. I know when I was dating and eventually decided that my husband was someone I wanted to spend my life with I realized how important having a purpose is. A lot of people gain their purpose from their profession. You can spot individuals with no passion or purpose from a mile away and it permeates everything - their mannerisms, the way they speak to others, how respectful they are, how they see the world. I'm not saying it comes exclusively from a person's work but it often does. If there is no work or calling, I might be asking or trying to figure out where this person stands in general (what they stand for or what their entire purpose for living may be). If I can't locate it, I'd be wary and I wouldn't be able to determine whether this person is trustworthy or consistent in their overall outlook or way about doing things.

[katrina1980]

I don't disagree with you Rose, and I don't believe many men would look particular favorably upon a woman either if roles were reversed.

 

Just that I think it's more "acceptable" for the woman to not work outside the home and for the man to "provide."

 

As I said, I don't necessarily agree with it, and in today's world, unless the man is a millionaire or something, it's just not realistic.

 

But plenty of men will take upon the role of financially supporting his girlfriend (with or without children), and they're happy to do it.

 

We see it all the time on this forum even! Men supporting their girlfriends.

 

While women seem to resent it when the roles are reversed.

 

I don't make the rules, just stating them, even in today's world.

[katrina1980]

I also admit for myself, I simply would not be attracted to a man who wasn't motivated to work, looking to live off me or his family.

 

It really has nothing to do with him being a provider. I view it as laziness, and laziness is not an attractive quality for me. I wouldn't respect a man like that. Next.

 

I prefer a man have ambition, a passion, it doesn't matter what it is or if it makes tons of money, just that he has it; I am attracted to that.

 

OP's bf just sounds like a lazy 'you know what' - he's 50 years old!

 

Come on now.

[Rose Mosse]

I also admit for myself, I simply would not be attracted to a man who wasn't motivated to work, looking to live off me or his family.

 

It really has nothing to do with him being a provider. I view it as laziness, and laziness is not an attractive quality for me. I wouldn't respect a man like that. Next.

 

I prefer a man have ambition, a passion, it doesn't matter what it is or if it makes tons of money, just that he has it; I am attracted to that.

 

OP's bf just sounds like a lazy 'you know what' - he's 50 years old!

 

Come on now.

 

That's a succinct way of putting it!

Not entirely sure the OP's situation though. There could have been more to him that was mentioned here. She said that he does work but is sometimes out of work because he works in construction. Having(ironically) also dated someone in construction, I can vouch that this does happen at times and it's critically important to be attached to a reputable/larger/unionized company. If he's an independent contractor, I don't imagine this is easy. We may be jumping the gun on him as a person but I think the OP's decision is sound because regardless, they're moving at different speeds and have different expectations of each other.

[purplepaisley]

Men I have known in the construction world have the ability to earn some serious money during their times of feast, and save all that to live on during their times of famine. Some supplement their income with part time work, odd jobs, etc. It has the potential to be a role reversal situation...the woman is the breadwinner, and the man is the "house husband." With his construction skills, he can be very valuable in home repairs. He may not contribute to the mortgage, but he contributes to the utilities and extra costs associated with household functioning...maybe supplies for home repairs, groceries, yard care, etc. When he doesn't have active employment, he can keep up with household chores and errands. It can be a balance...that is if the woman is okay with being the primary breadwinner and having a husband at home or earning less.

 

OP, you are not pleased with his lifestyle and find him lazy. At the age of 50, he's not going to land himself a lucrative career, and he's content in his existence as it is now. The question is if he's a complete couch potato or if he's actually active when he's not working a job. Will he just lounge all day, or will he take up chores and errands when he has more freedom, taking a burden off of you to accomplish certain tasks? He doesn't seem like someone you particularly admire, so I don't know that he's worth keeping around.

[Dawn4379]

Problem is he pays for nothing at my house besised bringing his own food. Never cleans up etc

[Dawn4379]

Lounges all day or goes playing slot machines