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Hello. I met my fiancé about 1.5 year ago on an online dating app, we are from different countries and he came to visit quickly.

He sent me flowers from the distance, things were very intense and we got engaged on his second visit to my country.

He visited me twice, first for 8 days and second for 24 days. Most of the relationship has been online, long distance.

He says he is cured now without going through any kind of treatment but he had a gambling addiction problem that left him with the debt of 90 thousand euros.

Sometimes he would gamble his whole salary away and was left with no money for rent and food.

I made the mistake to tell this problem to my family and now they are terribly against. They said I had to choose between my fiancé and the family.

He wants to buy tickets for me to visit him in 15 days and I have been avoiding him because I don't know how to tell that I can't go.

I tried to break up with him before and he threatened gambling and suicide, he went to work drunk and said he would quit his job and live on welfare drinking all day.

Due to the pressure from my family I saw other men in my country and had sex but I am still very much attached to my (ex) fiancé.

He calls me all day and I ignore, he sends dozens of messages and says that my family has to accept our love.

In order to being with him I would have to leave my country and move to a developed country in which I don't speak the language, leave my family behing against their will and live with no support from my relatives, taking the risk that he could gamble again.

His brother is in control of his finances and keeps his credit cards because he is afraid of having a relapse due to the stressful situation with me.

I can't put an end on this unhealthy situation, which is leading me to take tranquilizers every day and start therapy.

I don't feel ready to leave the country with my family being terribly against and even travelling to visit him as he wants would create a very bad situation with my family.

I feel that I have to break up but I don't wanna hurt his feelings.

What should I do? Help!

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Next time he threatens suicide, call the authorities in his city. They will send an ambulance and possibly put him in the hospital where he can get the professional help he needs if he is truly suicidal.

 

Agree with bolt.

 

You're not responsible for his mental health, not to mention in most cases when someone is serious about suicide, they don't "threaten" it, they silently ponder the idea, in some cases call a suicide hotline or just do it. Been there myself tbh.

 

I'm not dismissing the severity of his mental issues but consider the possibility he may have said it to manipulate you into not ending it.

 

In any event, as bolt said, call the authorities/police. They're trained to know what to do, and will probably make a visit to his home to check on him and worst case, have him admitted to the hospital for proper treatment.

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It is not as simple as it seems. Last time I tried to break up he cried a lot (we both cried), he sent me crying pictures and threatened suicide. I am scared to death of hurting his feelings so I keep on postponing the conversation.

 

I tried to break up with him before and he threatened gambling and suicide, he went to work drunk and said he would quit his job and live on welfare drinking all day.
Break up with him and then go zero contact so that he can't tell you anything else that is most likely a lot of bull.

 

People who threaten suicide instead of just doing it rarely go through with their threat. He's manipulating you and because you are, I recommend you get your own counselling to help you get over your codependency issues. You hardly know this man and you are taking on all his problems as your own. Work on you and your confidence and personal boundaries and get rid of this loser for good. You owe him nothing but you do owe YOU a better life then what you're allowing him to do to you.

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I am going through therapy and the main topic is this problem.

I also have my issues and I know that my anxiety is abnormal.

He said he wants this relationship at any price.

But it is true, we didn't spend much time together in real life and things happened very fast, for example the engagement.

He called me 5 times today and I didn't answer. He also sent several messages.

Breaking up other relationships was easy, I don't know why I am having such a hard time in this case.

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So you'd rather hope he just goes away instead of dealing directly with the problem?

 

Is this your plan for life? To hide and hope anything unpleasant just goes away?

 

Your stress level will go down to almost nothing if you just deal with this. Tell him you're sorry, but you've decided the relationship isn't the right one for you and you are ending it. If he threatens suicide, let him know you will be contacting the authorities in his city as well as his family to get him help. Then block him from all means of communication.

 

If you think that's mean, what do you think stringing him along and ignoring his messages is?

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I don't know why I am having such a hard time in this case.

 

Because he threatens to take his life, OP. You feel too guilty to walk away.

 

Unfortunately, you have gotten wrapped up with someone who is very emotionally unstable. Whether he is serious or not about committing suicide, the very fact that he's even threatening to do so is disturbing. He is going to keep trying to contact you unless and until you tell him very clearly that the relationship is over. Ignoring him isn't working and while he is clearly not relationship material at this point in his life, you are not helping matters by avoiding him if he thinks you two are still a couple. Time to put on your Big Girl Pants and explain that you are no longer going to continue the relationship.

 

As others have already wisely advised, contact emergency services in his area if he threatens to kill himself.

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I am going through therapy and the main topic is this problem.

I also have my issues and I know that my anxiety is abnormal.

He said he wants this relationship at any price.

But it is true, we didn't spend much time together in real life and things happened very fast, for example the engagement.

He called me 5 times today and I didn't answer. He also sent several messages.

Breaking up other relationships was easy, I don't know why I am having such a hard time in this case.

Don't play games with him because it's cruel and will likely fuel his mental issues even worse.

 

Answer him and tell him its over and that you wish him well in finding a woman close to where he lives. Then don't answer him again. The least you can do is give him closure so that he doesn't keep up the hope that he will have you. If you are worried about hurting himself then tell his parents or another of his friends/loved ones that he's threatened to do that and then let them worry about him.

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You guys are right.

I have to be strong, talk to him and inform one more time about my decision.

Last time he asked: then why did you accept to marry me?

It is not easy. So many promises made, so much money spent, so many expectations...

It is killing me to break his heart.

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You guys are right.

I have to be strong, talk to him and inform one more time about my decision.

Last time he asked: then why did you accept to marry me?

It is not easy. So many promises made, so much money spent, so many expectations...

It is killing me to break his heart.

You know there are a whole lot of people that end up spending a bunch more money to end up divorced because they were like you and too afraid to break up with someone they really didn't love.

 

Don't do the foolish thing and keep on with someone you really don't want.

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But, see? I think that a part of you does really care for him. Which is why this is so difficult for you. And you are being pulled in 2 different directions - family on one side and (ex)SO on the other. Understandable that this is killing you.

BUT - all the logic from others here makes a lot of sense, and I think you realize that as well. Make a clean break with him. Dont let him play your emotions with his threats. Love your family. Make sure you choose for you - not for your family & not for him. Cuz at the end of the day, you still gotta live with yourself.

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Exactly. Part of me really cares for him. It was very intense what we lived and I am afraid I will never find someone who loves me like he does.

At the same time I think my family's worries make sense and it is very hard to leave everything behind without any support from them.

I still couldn't answer his calls nor make any action. Spent all day torturing myself thinking things through.

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Ok, he's being manipulative, possessive and abusive by doing this. Basically he wants to hold you hostage with threats. Nice, right? Google "abusers threatening suicide" now.

 

Yes it's as simple as telling him it's not working and you need to go your own ways. Give him the number for a suicide hotline and tell him you will be sending the ems/police/ambulance to his address for them to take him to a psychiatric hospital. Watch him get angry and suddenly not "suicidal" at all when he can't manipulate you and you call his bluff.

ILast time I tried to break up he cried a lot (we both cried), he sent me crying pictures and threatened suicide. I am scared to death of hurting his feelings so I keep on postponing the conversation.
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You can. You're choosing not to.

 

You do realize all this "torture" would go away if you just bite the bullet and get it over with. You're torturing the BOTH of you with your inaction.

 

Yup, this is obviously a mutually destructive situation.

 

OPer you aren’t threatening suicide but you admit anxieties about this, you admit you’re an active participant in all this, you aren’t just some girl who magically ended up in a situation with an unhinged man, you knew this was a long shot and you still leaped.

 

Be honest. If not with us, with yourself.

 

Start to disengage cause I highly doubt you truly want to. From the sounds of it if your family didn’t disapprove you’d be with him. So let’s be real this isn’t one sided and you’re playing some games yourself, I made previous mention of the influx of people who regret breaking up with the bf/gf and wonder how they can get them back, it’s apparently pretty common to get something out of having that ‘power’ over someone. Kind of manipulating the situation to see just how much a person is willing to ‘fight’ for you, and then when they don’t fight anymore the persons left panicked and empty. If that’s what you’re doing - STOP! This is his mental health and yours, enough, end it.

 

FWIW, I have a friend who had a girlfriend take a bunch of pills after he broke up with her, she threatened it and was really not in a good place and she actually did it. Enough to kill herself? I heard no, but she still took that next step. She still ended up hospitalized ( think it was a mental health hold) I’m not saying that to scare your OPer, I’m saying it because I think if he threatens again you should take it seriously enough to call the authorities, if he’s manipulating you, he won’t do it again with medical professional banging on his door to commit him and if he truly will try it’s best medical professionals are there to help.

 

Good luck, stop playing games be honest with yourself, stop playing with the both of your emotions.

 

Last. call a spade a spade look deep into why you would even entertain someone long distance if you were so under your families thumb and knew they would attempt to arraigne relationships anyway. May help you in the future.

 

Good luck!

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Exactly. Part of me really cares for him. It was very intense what we lived and I am afraid I will never find someone who loves me like he does.

At the same time I think my family's worries make sense and it is very hard to leave everything behind without any support from them.

I still couldn't answer his calls nor make any action. Spent all day torturing myself thinking things through.

 

What he is showing you isn't love, OP. It's control. It's infatuation. It's unhealthy.

 

Proposing the second time you meet someone is usually not love. It's impulsiveness and should have been taken as a red flag, especially combined with all the other questionable decisions he's made in his life. This isn't a guy who thinks through his choices. You got a high from the attention he shows you, and I am sure you felt flattered, but you need to do a better job evaluating the source of such attention and whether it's really worth it.

 

I would break it off definitively and spend some time on your own, so you can reset your expectations and standards when it comes to men. When you're choosing a guy who lives in another country and has a gambling addiction so out of control that he can't bills and cannot be trusted with his own credit card - you need to look at what's going on inside you that attracts you to this person. Even without the threats of suicide, you have plenty of reason to stay far away from this man.

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