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Lexy2018

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I've been in a relationship for about 2 years now with this amazing guy. We've had our fair share of ups and downs, a few breakups but we can't seem to get over our feelings so we got back together again.

 

The relationship is great. He is an amazing guy, he treats me so well. Loving,caring..you name it. There's only 2 problems...

 

1. When i met him he was in his last year at school so i was the only one working. 2 years later the situation hasn't changed much. He had a job for 1 year but he basically paid off his mom's debts and helped out a lot at home so he never really could help me out much. We do a lot of eating out but i pay most of the time. He pays whenever he can.

 

In the past he's borrowed money from me and promised to pay back but never did. Whenever he gets money he pays his things and buys things he needs, so i do most of the paying for dates,gas and gifts. Again he helps out whenever he can.. what do you guys advice me on this? It's getting kind of frustrating...

 

Second our families don't agree with the relationship. My parents basically hate him. My mom knows he can't help me out in the financial area so thats why she doesnt support the relationship. His family got tired of our on-and-off situation..

 

Please helppp i'm getting frustrated!

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Stop being his wallet.

 

Dump this guy and find someone who wants to work and pay their fair share. You are not a victim in this, as you have actively been supporting this relationship. Your bf is a loser/user.

 

In the future, do not give boyfriends money!

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and helped out a lot at home so he never really could help me out much.

 

Firstly, a boyfriend should *not* be financially "helping you out." At. All.

If he is a broke student, then you go out on dates to places that are cheap and free - there are a lot of museums that are free for students or free for residents of the area, hiking, netflix and chill, etc. If its his turn to pick the date and he only has $5, then he must choose wisely.

If you decided that *you* want to eat out and you want his company in doing so, then pay and don't expect anything in return.

 

That being said - you should *not* be loaning him money at all. Ok?

 

If he lives at home - maybe his mom is losing the house and he is paying debts to keep it.

YES he should pay his personal bills before paying off loans.

 

I think it is *both* your fault here. For you, you are expecting him to contribute financially - when he is simply a boyfriend and should not be and you are also letting him take advantage. But you are letting it happen willingly if you are fronting money for anything but the meals out you willingly suggest.

 

I think that you should do things with friends if it involves money to burn and do things with him when it is just simply enjoying eachother's company.

 

If you want a guy to wine and dine you - then don't pick a broke college student.

 

Your family is half right---the relationship isn't good not because he is a bad person but because you are expecting too much out of it and because you keep going back

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This is exactly what i mean! I have a stable job and he doesn't. And i'm not in need of anything so i don't expect him to give me anything. He lives alone with his mom and grandma who are both in need of help so i admire him putting his family before his own needs.

 

And whenever he has extra income he will try to do something nice for me, even if it's just a candy bar. And he has never asked me to pay or buy him anything, on the contrary he tries to avoid it.

 

I guess the reason behind my doubts is that everyone around me keeps repeating to me that as a woman i should never pay and that he should be more able to buy me stuff... which i do NOT agree with. And i'm 90% sure that if he could, he would.

 

It's just the loaning money that i'm still bothered with. He has apologized a million times and since i know how difficult things are at home i kind of let that thing slide.... we have spoken about it though.

 

I'm just kind of confused. And the breakups were because i wasn't the best partner. I've made mistakes which hurt him

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He needs to write you a check for the money he owes you, not dazzle you with a candy bar. He's not 5 years old. He's using you because you allow it.

he will try to do something nice for me, even if it's just a candy bar.

It's just the loaning money that i'm still bothered with.

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What you see is what you get and it's foolish to think someone will change. His family dynamic is that they struggle with money, borrow, and then have to be bailed out. Expect the same if you two got together permanently, in marriage, and he will still be bailing them out when he works and expecting you to pay for everything. Another negative? On and off again relationships aren't meant to be. People who really care will never let their partner go. They stay and work on issues together.

 

Time for your brain to mature and learn from life experience. Even if someone is cute and sexy and kind, without all of the other major needs that should be on your must-have list, like financial stability, the relationship is not good for you.

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I don't know if this case is similar in that aspect or not but I had a ex who was a mooch and I allowed it too. It was many years ago. He'd reminded me of isolated situations long ago where he'd done something for me like paying me dinner or something when I'd be firm about not giving him money. I hope he's not manipulating you like that. But even if he's not, I feel that he's taking advantage of you. I'd recommend to never give money like this and support men like this if you're not legally married to them.

 

By giving him money like this you're making it comfortable for him to rely on your money and not paying back because there's no consequences.

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I don't know if this case is similar in that aspect or not but I had a ex who was a mooch and I allowed it too. It was many years ago. He'd reminded me of isolated situations long ago where he'd done something for me like paying me dinner or something when I'd be firm about not giving him money. I hope he's not manipulating you like that. But even if he's not, I feel that he's taking advantage of you. I'd recommend to never give money like this and support men like this if you're not legally married to them.

 

By giving him money like this you're making it comfortable for him to rely on your money and not paying back because there's no consequences.

 

And don't support men you are married to, either. Only in the case of emergency or losing a job. It should be temporary. You should NOT be supporting men.

 

Why isn't his mother working? Is he working?

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When you consider lending money to friends, family, or a boyfriend, you really need to look at it as a gift to that person. Meaning that you don't hold your breath on the idea that they really will pay you back. It's kind of like if they do, great, and if they never do, no skin off your back. So lend with that in mind and if the amount is too much to be written off as a gift or you know you'll get resentful if they don't pay you back, then learn how to say "no, sorry, no can do." It's an old principle of never mix friendships and money or you'll end up having neither.

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My mom knows he can't help me out in the financial area so thats why she doesnt support the relationship.

 

That's not why. Well it's part of the bigger picture but its not THE reason.

 

The reason your mom doesn't support the relationship is because he's financially irresponsible and his life will always be a mess. It's a lot more than just "not being able to support you". Good chance he'll continue to sink because of bad decisions, poor work habits, lack of responsibility and accountability and you will forever be cleaning up his messes and living a life full of stress because the bills will always be paid in the order of priority and not all at once. It's no way to live.

 

Also generally speaking guys with the sort of mindset that has resulted in them not having steady work and being broke tend to have other bad habits as well, including but not limited to gambling addiction, alcoholism, greater chance of cheating, verbal and physical abuse .. the list goes on and on. Does he smoke? I bet he does.

 

Yes I'm generalizing to some extent but know this- people who exhibit bad behavior in one area often do it in other areas. The reverse is true as well. Go find a guy with a six figure income, with a nice house who dresses well and isn't going to be a financial burden. You will be much happier in the long run.

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