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I can't stand my boyfriend anymore!!!


raziel1687

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So in a long line of different circumstances, I have ended up moving into an apartment with my boyfriend of 2 years (Not that I wanted to, this is just how it happened). This past year has been a struggle with him. First of all, he doesn't know how to do things any other average person knows how to do. Can't drive and doesn't have his own car for one. Getting him to get a job was a pain in the ass but I finally got him to.

 

But anyway, he is a very emotionally draining person. I'm already a depressed person as it is, so try living with someone who always makes you more depressed everyday. I think something is mentally wrong with him. Like he will find these situations that everyone experiences as such a HUGE deal, and such an INCONVENIENCE to him, and he has to cause such emotional drama about it. Like if the line is too long at the grocery store, he'll just get angry about it. And I know stuff like this happens in life, so I don't think it's a big deal. I don't know how to deal with this, he's always bringing me down.

 

Also, all the time before he had a job, I was paying for everything! Whenever we went out, I paid. And also I had to drive an hour from my house to his to go see him. So all the gas I've spent to go visit him, all the food I've fed him, everything/anything else I've bought him. Could easily add up to $1,000 and more. But now that he has a job. I ask him if he can buy me this, he gets all defensive about it. And he may claim to be a "clean" freak compared to me who is slower to get to chores. But he is the laziest person I know. He'll never iron his clothes for work, he never washes his hair, when he washes dishes, he does it lazily having me to wash them again, etc.

 

So the point is, I'm in a lease at this apartment, both of us are signed onto. Everyday I'm becoming more and more depressed. So depressed I don't even feel like talking to my friends anymore, I don't feel like doing the hobbies I used to like doing... I can't really break up with him right now, so what is the next best thing I can do until I can?

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Well if you cannot talk to him about these issues and find a compromise then there is nothing you can do.

 

You are in a very toxic situation...that is clearly dragging you further down.

 

Are there any other places you can stay for a few evenings just to get away for a couple nights? Some distance may help the both of you here, but you have to communicate everything with him...whether he is defensive about it or not.. communicate it until he understands.

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That is a very toxic situation - and he acts like he is 16 (from what I've read), which is not good. Well, how old is he, actually? I don't really understand how someone can get angry at lines in a store. If you go during the day, that's what you get.

 

Have you tried communicating with him? My way communicating used to be screaming and getting incredibly upset, so I don't suggest that route try to have a relaxing day with him. Wake up before him, make him some breakfast, watch a favorite movie you both like. I'm suggesting these things just so leading up to your conversation, everything is relaxing and calm. When you DO bring up your concerns, do it gently. I've made the mistake before of saying the right words, but I had an accusing tone; the perfect tone, but the wrong words. This can be too tricky with people who have emotional issues, the tiniest thing can ruin your discussion. But if that happens, remember that it is not your fault. You are trying to make things work.

 

So, talk to him. Tell him your exact concerns. You feel hurt because you used to support him completely, and it seems like that meant nothing to him. Sometimes it becomes draining when he is constantly finding the negative in every situation. Whatever you feel like brining up, but don't overload him, either. Hah I've done that before, it doesn't turn out well.

 

If he refuses to even hear you out, that shows very little respect or love on his part. If that happens, leaving for a weekend to get space (no texting, no calling, nothing) would be ideal.

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Just curious. What exactly do you see in this guy? Your post is 100% negative. Sounds like you should just break it off and sublet.

 

It's possible he has good qualities. I mean, she came on here to bring up the bad crap so she could get advice. So, not much point in detailing everything that is wonderful about her boyfriend. Though, I was a bit curious as well.

 

What are his good qualities?

Do you believe he loves you?

Could this be just a rough patch for him, or has he acted childish his whole life?

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He may not be mentally ill, just extremely immature... 12 year old boys don't always bath, and whine and complain about any inconvenience or things they don't like too... If he is stuck at a low maturity level (called arrested development, which does happen for some), then he basically will look for a 'parent' type partner to take over all the adult responsibilities so that he can stay a child and not have to deal with it.

 

So I think this won't work for you if you want an equal partner... If you decide to go, then your situation is strictly a financial problem, so rather than focusing on how depressing it is, instead focus on what you need financially to move out and work towards getting enough money to do so. Perhaps you could move in with another friend/relative for a while while you he tries to get a roommate to pay the other half of the rent until the lease runs out. Or talk to the landlord and see if you can buy your way over or pay him off over time.

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This is only my second boyfriend, and as I've grown older these past 3 years, my needs regarding a boyfriend has changed. The reason why I wanted a boyfriend in the beginning has changed. Now I need someone who is more my best friend and on my level. So basically I just saw him as attractive to start off with. I never lived with him before, so all those other things I notice now, didn't matter then. If that makes since.

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He does love me. He's not such of an idiot as my last boyfriend was. He's organized. He's a good lover. He pays the rent. And I think he has acted emotionally immature his whole life because his parents didn't raise him to be emotionally mature. A lot of his "negatives" are from his parents not teaching him what they should have as parents. And I feel like I'm picking up the tab, having to teach him what I shouldn't be... I don't have the patience.

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This is only my second boyfriend, and as I've grown older these past 3 years, my needs regarding a boyfriend has changed. The reason why I wanted a boyfriend in the beginning has changed. Now I need someone who is more my best friend and on my level. So basically I just saw him as attractive to start off with. I never lived with him before, so all those other things I notice now, didn't matter then. If that makes since.

 

I think that makes perfect sense. Through dating/relationships, you get a better sense of what you want in a long-term relationship/future husband. This guy isn't it. Are you going to break up with him?

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I own almost all the stuff in this apartment, so it would have to be him that would be moving out. But it's one bedroom apartment, so I don't know how finding another roommate would work. And I just moved out of my relatives (my parents), and I never want to move back with my parents again if I can help it. I think I'll just have to put up with it until my lease is over, because I'm having a predicament with my car, and need as much money as possible to save up, and I won't be able to do that if I'm paying rent. (because my boyfriend pays all the rent right now)

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eh, i would break up with him and ask him to move out. there is no reason you should put up with him/stay in a relationship because of a lease contract. I mean - seriously - why should you let your landlord/apartment complex dictate your relationship to you??? that's just dumb.

 

you can also break the lease. i paid $100 to break my lease.

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If he doesn't mature and doesn't learn what he needs to learn by the time the lease is over, then I will. But I can't right now, which is why I asked what I could do to relieve my pain and suffering until I can.

 

Actually, it sounds like you are just using him for money.

 

" I think I'll just have to put up with it until my lease is over, because I'm having a predicament with my car, and need as much money as possible to save up, and I won't be able to do that if I'm paying rent. "

 

I think you might need some maturing to do too.

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I'm not using him for money, I'm taking advantage of the situation where I don't have to pay rent, so I can use MY money. Same reason to live with one's parents if you don't have to pay rent, but you wouldn't say I'm using my parent's for money would you? Besides, He'd have to pay the rent regardless of whether I was here or not. And he's using me in more ways than that, for example, I have to drive him everywhere since he barely knows how to drive. And I pay for his cell phone and all the utilities.

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If he is not really contributing to the bills so much, how would it hurt to live in the place by yourself? If you are hard up for a roomie, put two beds in there and set it up dorm style or with bunk beds like a college student

 

But if you are both on the lease, one decides to stay and one decides to go. Landlords are sometimes lenient if people breakup so long as it is explained that the other party is continuing the lease and can afford it

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If he is not really contributing to the bills so much, how would it hurt to live in the place by yourself? If you are hard up for a roomie, put two beds in there and set it up dorm style or with bunk beds like a college student

 

But if you are both on the lease, one decides to stay and one decides to go. Landlords are sometimes lenient if people breakup so long as it is explained that the other party is continuing the lease and can afford it

He's paying the whole entire rent, and I have a car payment which is affecting me to have a place by myself.
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okay, I just reread - he is paying rent.

 

But you are both are contributing or using eachother depending on how you look at it. If he is paying the entire rent, why does it hurt for you to drive him places?. I also think that you really can't whine about paying the utilities. You are using them to. So its either you guys split the rent equally and the utilities equally or he pays the rent and you pay the utillties and other bills to make up for it. In that light, I have little sympathy for you paying the electtric bill. it is merely the deal you guys made. Some couples pay the groceries and utilities out of one paycheck and the other out of the other. When you are living with someone, you can't be defensive about the spending"MY MONEY" thing. If you lived alone you would have to pay utilties. if you move back in with your folks, you should pay some groceries and utilities and help out. its part of being an adult.

 

so, unless the utilities are NOT equal to what your share of the rent would be, or in the ballpark, I wouldn't complain. If his cell bill puts you over, then tell him he needs to pay his own cell bill and you will not anymore and in turn you pay your car because you own it. But one more thing - if his cell plan includes a phone for you - its your responsibility too .But bottom line, its not fair for you to treat yourself like the live in girlfriend who shouldn't pay a dime. If he can pay the rent completely then he is not as lazy as you make him out to be.

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This has nothing to do with the rent or utilities or bills at all. This has to do with I cannot stand his "personality" anymore though I think it's more of a personality disorder. And that I can't move out because of the lease and because I can't afford to live by myself right now. And he's lazy as far as washing the dishes and his personal appearance goes, which makes him unattractive and makes me have to wash the dishes over. But it's mostly the fact he gets mad over little things everyone else would just let roll off their backs which I can't stand.

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This is your relationship and your life - as you said - you have a way out - move in with your parents. You choose not to. You could break the lease and try to find a cheap place to live on craigslist. You can't let outside influences (like a stupid piece of paper like a lease!) control your love life!

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I would think that if you both work (assuming you do) you don't have to spend that many hours of the day with him. I say bite the bullet accept him for his bad dishwashing and bad hygiene and find a hobby or join a group or take an evening class or something to distance yourself from him as much as possible and try to get thru it till your lease is up.

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