Jump to content

Was in the wrong for sending my ex’s mom flowers after surgery? Why would he tex


Lulumee

Recommended Posts

A couple months ago my ex’s mom had surgery and I decided to send her flowers because I knew that would make her happy and recovering wasn’t going to be easy. Her and I were close at one point and she always had some type of health issue. I hadn’t spoken to her since February and last week I spoke to her went over to visit her because she was going to therapy and still recovering from surgery. In no way was I trying to contact or reach out to my ex, I genuinely care about his mom and I didn’t bring him up at all when I went to see her or the times we had talked. He texted me last night and asked me, “ do you have something to tell me? I figured because you camenover a couple of days ago.” My ex and I were together for 2 and a half years and it didn’t end very well so I stoped all contact with him, although we do have mutual friends I never bothered to say hello or look his direction because I really didn’t want to go into that off and on cycle all over again and I’ve been feeling a lot happier since we don’t talk at all. He has tried to speak with me when we’re out with friends or greet me but I don’t Acknowledge him what so ever. Was I in the wrong for sending his mom flowers? Why would he reach out to me and ask if I wasn’t looking for him or even trying to speak with him? I never responded to his text and I still don’t plan on it because once I answer that’s how the whole situation starts all over and I don’t want a relationship or friendship with him.

Link to comment

Yes. We’ve always been close and even the times we were on and off. At one point me and him weren’t dating for a couple months and his mom and I would talk here and there. She told me before he doesn’t have to know that me and you are good friends because I know you have good intentions.

Link to comment

How long ago did you guys break up? Are you still recovering from the breakup?

 

If you are, then I understand your choosing to ignore him. Thing is though, it seems you genuinely want to be friends with his mother or at least be acquaintances because you care about her. Because you care about her, you are eventually going to have to at least be civil with your ex. Some may disagree with me but I think this is doable. It can be zero drama if both of you are mature enough. That's how it is with my ex-husband. We don't see each other often now that our child is an adult, but when we do we're friendly but we don't keep in touch otherwise. It makes life easy for our son.

 

Similarly for you, you can be civil and at least look at the guy when he greets you and give him a smile and a how are you? It doesn't mean you want to jump his bones. It means you care about his family (and mutual friends) but that you have moved on. Of course, it is different for me because my ex and I share a child so there is that obligation. A mother isn't exactly a dependent but I understand that you got close to her and are concerned for her health.

 

If this is hard for you to do or he cannot be civil (everyone is different as well as every relationship they try) then you might have to minimize your contact with his family and your mutual friends until you feel emotionally ready for it. Time heals most wounds but again, this really depends on what kind of relationship you guys had, how the breakup went, how mature you both are, etc.

Link to comment

I think it's awkward that you both don't have any type of civility going on (you're actively avoiding eye contact and ignoring him in social events) and at the same time, you're also sending flowers to someone in his immediate family.

 

The flowers themselves are not odd. It's you that's odd. Pardon, for being blunt. I think if you rounded out the edges a little and started acknowledging him or if you have some civil friendship or are acquaintances in social situations, it wouldn't be so awkward. If you're anxious about him in general or him getting the wrong idea, slow your impulses during this time and resist the urge to send flowers or make connections so quickly.

 

Parents also form attachments to their children's partners and miss them like family members at times. You might want to be more mindful of how your actions affect others (ie his mum). The flowers are a nice thought but they might have a different overall impact and cause more confusion than is necessary.

Link to comment

Look, what you did was ultimately inappropriate. You are broken up, but you continue to try and insert yourself into his family life. It doesn't matter that you felt close to his mother, when you break up, you end all connections, especially those with the ex's family. Stop trying to stay in his life, let go, move on. You sound like someone who has serious issues with letting go. You've got to learn for your own sake and well being. When you break up, it is over. You have no place in any aspect of his life anymore, least of all, keeping in touch with his family. Learn some healthier boundaries.

Link to comment
Look, what you did was ultimately inappropriate. You are broken up, but you continue to try and insert yourself into his family life. It doesn't matter that you felt close to his mother, when you break up, you end all connections, especially those with the ex's family. Stop trying to stay in his life, let go, move on. You sound like someone who has serious issues with letting go. You've got to learn for your own sake and well being. When you break up, it is over. You have no place in any aspect of his life anymore, least of all, keeping in touch with his family. Learn some healthier boundaries.

 

This is true too. One of my ex boyfriends told me that once he breaks up with someone, he never talks to her again. I thought that was so rude, but now that I'm older and wiser (maybe not wiser but definitely older, lol), I see the value in this.

Link to comment

While it might seem harmless to keep in contact with the mother of an ex, eventually you have to let that relationship go. What would a new boyfriend think about your closeness with your ex's mother?

 

My advice to you would be to start limiting contact with her and eventually just cut it off.

Link to comment
Not to sound harsh, but my guess is this was more about getting your ex's attention, and less about sending flowers to his mother, (imo). In short, it's time to let go and move forward, for your own well being.

 

I agree with this very much, mainly because you’re askkng thinly veiled leading questions

 

“Why do you think he’s reaching out?”

 

“Why is he contacting me?”

 

These questions do not mean indifference. Nor do your actions. Like others said if you wanted a relationship with his mother you’d have to be cordial to him at least and you’re not, in fact you’re going out of your way to be rude which indicates you aren’t over him.

 

I’d personally think it was incredibly immature if an ex who wouldn’t even look my way was in contact with my family, I would also feel it was just poking.

 

Either let sleeping dogs lie or if youre genuine and her friendship is important, bury the hatchet.

Link to comment

I think you need to keep your distance from his family, OP.

 

You two are no longer a couple, and aren't even speaking. Staying close with his mom is just not a good idea. It keeps you too involved in his world when you should instead be working on letting go. You might have good reason to not want to speak to him anymore, but that's why staying in close contact with his mom seems inappropriate. Personally, I would not be very happy if an ex who refused to even acknowledge me felt is was acceptable to cozy up to my family.

 

At most, a card wishing her well would have sufficed. At some point, you need to start accepting that they won't remain in your life indefinitely. She might be a lovely woman with no hard feelings toward you, but you are going to remain emotionally stuck as long as you're still inserting yourself into their lives.

Link to comment

So, I am a bit perplexed with most of the posters' answers to OP queries. Some of you may remember me, so I will be brief. I was married for nearly 29 years. Divorced was finalised in January of this year. My ex MIL and ex SIL (and her family) live about 5 hours away from me, as does our younger son. They all live in the same general area. My ex told his mother about us divorcing (his idea) back in July after we told our son in person when he came up to visit us during summer break for one week.

 

He was staying with his father at our house (I moved out) and I went to say good bye before he left. On my way home, my ex MIL called me. She said that even though we were divorcing, she wanted to continue to be part of my life. The next day, my ex SIL called me and said the same thing. She also added that "you will always be an aunt to my kids". I was truly touched beyond words.

 

They both called me every week since July (and still do) and have been so kind, caring, loving and supportive. They've helped me get through my darkest moments, as did my brother and his wife . I sent a monetary gift to my niece and nephew for the holidays and for their birthdays, just like I did in the past. My ex MIL sent me a monetary gift for my birthday in August and one for the holidays. A week ago, I sent my ex MIL a gift card to one of her favourite stores.

 

It's obvious to me that they want me in their lives. I wasn't sure last year how they were going to handle this situation. If they wanted to break the channels of communication, it would have been the perfect opportunity. They chose not to lose touch with me. I have been NC with my ex since July. I do NOT want to see him (he lives about 20 minutes from me), nor talk to him. Perhaps, I will feel differently with time. I told my adult kids about their grandmother's and aunt's kind gesture because I was so touched. I also asked them not to tell their father that I still talk with them. It's none of his business.

 

Why should I reject their kindness? I feel blessed that they are in my life. After all, they have been part of my life for over 30 years. Friendships are very precious so I'm not going to throw their friendship away.

 

So, I am not sure why most of the posters say that all ties with an ex's family should be broken. They still value, respect and like me, and vice versa. So, IMHO, I don't think that OP was wrong in sending the flowers to her ex MIL. I think it was a lovely gesture.

Link to comment
So, I am a bit perplexed with most of the posters' answers to OP queries. Some of you may remember me, so I will be brief. I was married for nearly 29 years. Divorced was finalised in January of this year. My ex MIL and ex SIL (and her family) live about 5 hours away from me, as does our younger son. They all live in the same general area. My ex told his mother about us divorcing (his idea) back in July after we told our son in person when he came up to visit us during summer break for one week.

 

He was staying with his father at our house (I moved out) and I went to say good bye before he left. On my way home, my ex MIL called me. She said that even though we were divorcing, she wanted to continue to be part of my life. The next day, my ex SIL called me and said the same thing. She also added that "you will always be an aunt to my kids". I was truly touched beyond words.

 

They both called me every week since July (and still do) and have been so kind, caring, loving and supportive. They've helped me get through my darkest moments, as did my brother and his wife . I sent a monetary gift to my niece and nephew for the holidays and for their birthdays, just like I did in the past. My ex MIL sent me a monetary gift for my birthday in August and one for the holidays. A week ago, I sent my ex MIL a gift card to one of her favourite stores.

 

It's obvious to me that they wanted me in their lives. I wasn't sure last year how they were going to handle this situation. If they wanted to break the channels of communication, it would have been the perfect opportunity. They chose not to lose touch with me. I have been NC with my ex since July. I do NOT want to see him (he lives about 20 minutes from me), nor talk to him. I told my adult kids about their grandmother's and aunt's kind gesture because I was so touched. I also asked them not to tell their father that I still talk with them. It's none of his business.

 

Why should I reject their kindness?

 

So, I am not sure why most of the posters say that all ties with an ex's family should be broken. They still value, respect and like me, and vice versa. So, IMHO, I don't think that OP was wrong in sending the flowers to her ex MIL. I think it was a lovely gesture.

Your ex MIL is your son’s grandmother. You guys were married for a long time . For the OP this was just a boyfriend . We’re never married they don’t share a child there is no reason to cling onto each other‘s family . None.

Link to comment
Your ex MIL is your son’s grandmother. You guys were married for a long time . For the OP this was just a boyfriend . We’re never married they don’t share a child there is no reason to cling onto each other‘s family . None.

 

Oh, OK, now it makes sense, Seraphim! Thank you. Guess I'm not good at speed reading. LOL. A card would have sufficed, if that. xx

Link to comment
So, I am a bit perplexed with most of the posters' answers to OP queries. Some of you may remember me, so I will be brief. I was married for nearly 29 years. Divorced was finalised in January of this year. My ex MIL and ex SIL (and her family) live about 5 hours away from me, as does our younger son. They all live in the same general area. My ex told his mother about us divorcing (his idea) back in July after we told our son in person when he came up to visit us during summer break for one week.

 

He was staying with his father at our house (I moved out) and I went to say good bye before he left. On my way home, my ex MIL called me. She said that even though we were divorcing, she wanted to continue to be part of my life. The next day, my ex SIL called me and said the same thing. She also added that "you will always be an aunt to my kids". I was truly touched beyond words.

 

They both called me every week since July (and still do) and have been so kind, caring, loving and supportive. They've helped me get through my darkest moments, as did my brother and his wife . I sent a monetary gift to my niece and nephew for the holidays and for their birthdays, just like I did in the past. My ex MIL sent me a monetary gift for my birthday in August and one for the holidays. A week ago, I sent my ex MIL a gift card to one of her favourite stores.

 

It's obvious to me that they want me in their lives. I wasn't sure last year how they were going to handle this situation. If they wanted to break the channels of communication, it would have been the perfect opportunity. They chose not to lose touch with me. I have been NC with my ex since July. I do NOT want to see him (he lives about 20 minutes from me), nor talk to him. Perhaps, I will feel differently with time. I told my adult kids about their grandmother's and aunt's kind gesture because I was so touched. I also asked them not to tell their father that I still talk with them. It's none of his business.

 

Why should I reject their kindness? I feel blessed that they are in my life. After all, they have been part of my life for over 30 years. Friendships are very precious so I'm not going to throw their friendship away.

 

So, I am not sure why most of the posters say that all ties with an ex's family should be broken. They still value, respect and like me, and vice versa. So, IMHO, I don't think that OP was wrong in sending the flowers to her ex MIL. I think it was a lovely gesture.

 

But you were married for years and have a child in common. My parents are divorced and get along well and my grandparents from my mother's side love my father. Actually both sides of the family really like each other. I know this family dynamic might seem weird to some, but it has worked for us.

 

But in the case of an ex boyfriend with no children in common, I'd try to avoid contact with his family too, at least while still mad at her ex (look at how she treats him when they meet in person because of mutual friends). Was she over her ex and him over her and had been years since the break up where it was enough to heal and forgive and they had become cordial or even platonic friends, then I wouldn't view contact with family so problematic.

 

I know it's sad but unfortunately when we break up, we also have to say goodbye to the ex's family as much as it's difficult.

Link to comment

Friends and family are off limits once you break up.

 

It's different if you were married and had children. Then they have to be involved at some point.

 

But you two were never married...that's HIS mom. It's not your place to still be getting involved unless you want to cause a rift.

 

Just don't.

Link to comment
Look, what you did was ultimately inappropriate. You are broken up, but you continue to try and insert yourself into his family life. It doesn't matter that you felt close to his mother, when you break up, you end all connections, especially those with the ex's family. Stop trying to stay in his life, let go, move on. You sound like someone who has serious issues with letting go. You've got to learn for your own sake and well being. When you break up, it is over. You have no place in any aspect of his life anymore, least of all, keeping in touch with his family. Learn some healthier boundaries.

 

110% agree! It's not your place to stay in his mother's life, not now, not ever.

Link to comment

It seems he saw through your manipulation and what you were doing. Leave him and his family alone. Do not stalk or use back doors and indirect means to get and keep yourself on the radar.

 

Respect his family and do not use anyone's misfortune as an opportunity to keep a connection to him. Attend to your own friends and family. Avoid him in social settings, but stop being rude or passive aggressive. Immediately delete and block him and all his people. Learn some boundaries and stop using his mother as a pawn to get to him.

He texted me last night and asked me, “ do you have something to tell me? I figured because you camenover a couple of days ago.”
Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...