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Madisan

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My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months. He was with his ex girlfriend for 6 years and we got together within weeks of them breaking up. They had a 3 month old child together at that time. We moved in with each other after three months. I recently found out that he has been hacking into his ex girlfriends Instagram account several times daily. Am I the rebound girlfriend?

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Never make major decisions like moving in with someone until you've known them a minimum of a year. It takes that long to begin to see the reality of who the person is, and seeing if there are skeletons in the closet. If you didn't live with him, you would've seen this poor behavior and been able to make a cleaner exit.

 

I don't know what hacking the account means, but any guy who attempted to be involved in any way with an ex, besides talking about their shared child, would be a dealbreaker to me. Every minute he spends hacking while with you is attention spent on another woman.

 

He liked his ex well enough to knock her up a year before he met you. He couldn't pull out all the stops and make this relationship work for the sake of the child? What was the reason for the breakup? I honestly couldn't respect a man like this. No matter the reason for the break up, he should be concentrating on his new child and not leaping into a new relationship when he can't possibly be emotionally ready for another serious relationship.

 

Learn from your mistakes and set up better boundaries for yourself in your next dating experience.

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Move out. They are most likely on/off. You seem like a handy escape from his responsibilities. Whatever the case he will have to communicate with her regarding their child as well as pay child support and visit with the child.

He was with his ex girlfriend for 6 years and we got together within weeks of them breaking up. They had a 3 month old child together at that time. We moved in with each other after three months.
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Have you confronted him about the instagram account? There is a difference between just looking at someones account out of curiosity to see what they are up to and hacking in to see who they are talking to and what posts they are liking. I would worry about the latter. And even though I myself am guilty of not allowing much time between relationships, I feel that you jumped in too soon. Just because having a child in the mix makes things significantly more complicated. The kid isn't going anywhere which means that they will have to co-parent. Will you be comfortable with him being in contact with her for the rest of your relationship?

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I honestly don't know what the "just right time" to move in with somebody is. Relationships can be quite complex. I often stay away from spying as it presents a danger of getting only part of what is going on and jumping into wrong conclusions. and the risk of the accused undermining the legitimacy of your complaint by turning the spotlight on you spying (often labelled as having trust issues).

 

So my litmus test on whether a person loves me or not is how he treats me. I question him if there is anything that concerns me and I have learnt that the ones who actually do love you, go out of their way to allay your fears/concerns because they don't want to lose you.

 

You should never have to play a guessing game on whether a person loves you or still hung up on their ex. If you have to investigate, take a step back and examine the integrity of your relationship.

 

I hope this helps and if it doesn't, I hope it at least makes you think.

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Really like metafisics thinking here.

 

Relationships are at once too complex for rules and labels, and yet they're also pretty simple. If you are in a relationship where you are looking for clues by spying on your partner's social media activity, instead of finding "answers" through an open, ongoing discussion about your lives as individuals and your feelings for each other, you are likely in a relationship that is built on a wobbly foundation. And if you're asking questions like "Am I the rebound?" it's likely because you've already decided the answer is yes, but really, really want to find something to negate that answer in your head.

 

So, yeah, the hard facts here don't sound so promising. Someone weeks out of a 6-year-relationship, with a child, who opts to get involved with someone else rather than shore up his ship—I would be uncomfortable. Someone who does not have a cordial enough co-parenting relationship where they can either follow each other on IG, or not, but is instead "hacking" into her account—no, wouldn't go there. But I'm not you. Problem here is that you don't sound very comfortable at an early moment in a relationship where comfort should really be the most dominant feeling—the thing that expanding on a solid foundation, not contracting on a wobbly one.

 

Personally, I have a zero-tolerance policy for social media stalking, snooping, all that. I don't want to be anywhere near that, don't want to spend even a second of my life being tempted into that place. That's a personal "rule" of my own learned by brushing up against some of that in experiments with romance—which are all relationships are—and realizing that I couldn't handle it. Perhaps these 9 months have been about learning that lesson yourself, hard as that is to consider.

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Yes, what about the math here? He's still very much 'with' her. As he should be supporting her and their child. A man who runs away from responsibility to a good-for-now-girl is not going to stick around. Sadly you're less than a rebound, you are just a right-now situation for him.

With a 3 month old child, they were definitely not a year separated.
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