................

[Gracelove]

I'm sad.

 

Things are going okay for the most part though.

 

I've stopped taking my medicine, I haven't been to therapy in months, and I'm so emotional lately.

 

I'm kind of glad I stopped taking my medicine because I didn't feel like a human on them.

 

I had to stop in order to shed some pounds.

 

I'm just so emotional lately, and I cry, more than I care to.

I'm just so sensitive about things.

 

Really sad about the rape.

Grieving is a long process, I'm realizing that. But every stage feels different.

 

I see how I've improved but at times I feel like I've digressed.

 

I get emotional if I see anything on T.V. relating to sexual assult.

 

I don't feel comfortable being around people in a social environment, because I don't trust those around me.

 

I do work now, but I miss my boyfriend. Being away from him is killing me, and I'm so confused.

 

And I'm worried too I think. I have to take care of myself, but with my emotions being what they are I feel incapable of doing that.

 

I don't feel comfortable talking about that incident anymore, I don't really want people to know.

Things just seem so hard.

 

I'm proud that I've been hanging in there as best as I can, but that doesn't make it easy.

 

I don't know what to do. My therapist is still out of town, I haven't seen her in months.

There is another therapist at her office that I could talk to, but he's a man and I don't want that.

 

It's hard.

I don't feel supported in the way I wish I was.

 

I miss my boyfriend. He protects me, and takes care of me, and loves me, and tries to understand me.

Right now, that is no one else in the world who can do that.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Sometimes I get so tired of being sad, but at the same time I try to be patient with myself.

I try so hard to be as optimistic as I can.

But I feel trapped.

I feel so trapped.

I don't know where to go. It's awful.

 

I just can't wait for my boyfriend to move out here. Then we can be okay and work through things together.

I feel so alone here, so isolated.

 

I hate it.

 

And it's hard you know, because I have really good friends.

I've got about 3 close friends that I can trust and depend on, who have been there for me in the past.

 

And because of that girl who betrayed me, I'm finding it hard to trust.

Even those people that have proven their love to me and for me.

 

It's not fair, it's not fair to them or to me.

 

How do I change that? How do I make myself better? How do I make it so that I don't let that person's horrible deeds affect my relationship with my true friends.

 

Sometimes I think I hate her. I have more disdain for her than I do for the rapist.

She betrayed me in a way that hurt beyond words. Just because she could, she did such an evil thing just because she could.

 

And I was nothing but a good friend to her.

And when I was hurt and confused afterwards, she continued to use me, to her advantage, until (with the help of others) I realized..........I was able to begin digesting the type of person that she truly was.

 

How could someone be so cruel? How could someone do that to another human being.

 

She had no sympathy, no regrets, she didn't care what she had done. She set out to destroy my life and didn't give a thought to using me after that.

 

I can't and never will be able to understand an evil such as that.

 

And I'm here. And I'm surviving, God is helping me to live at this point. Things seem to be moving in a positive direction but sometimes I still get discouraged.

 

I don't even feel like I can look towards the future sometimes.......what future? Anything could happen at anytime and destoy every wonderful thing I've ever wanted or planned for in life.

 

I'm aware of that, every second of everyday. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

 

And I have to live.

It's true sometimes life got so unbearable that I almost ended it.

 

But I really don't want to commit sucide, because what if that sends me to hell?

 

God keeps sparing my life, so I keep living, and to be honest sometimes it's down-right painful.

It's hard to be optimistic about the future when you're experiencing such horrible pain.

 

I don't know what I want anymore. It's getting hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel like sometimes I think it's an opening at the end of the tunnel, but it's really the headlights of a train coming my way.

 

Will all of this take much longer?

 

It's true, things are getting better, but at such a slow pace.

 

It's almost been a year, and I can't believe it.

 

It doesn't feel that way because I been living in the aftermath every day since.

 

Isn't that horrible?! Every day since, life has been more than a struggle, and at many times a living hell.

 

Why? Why?

Why does it have to be this way?

Why do the victims carry all the pain?!

It's so backwards, it just doesn't make any sense to me. None at all.

It should be that way. It's like being victimized every single day.

 

And the guilty are out there living life and having fun.

I know their time will come.

Maybe it'll come slowly, just like my recovery is slow.

 

I know they'll get their punishment, that makes me feel better.

It makes me feel good to be able to say it and believe.

Because in the past, I don't think I really believed it. My mind was in another stratosphere (sp?)

 

It'll be okay. That's what my boyfriend keeps telling me, and it makes me feel so good to here that.

And he tells me that I've improving.

 

I don't know, it makes my grieving ok. It doesn't make me feel like a horrible person because I'm not over it.

 

I don't know. I feel much more true to myself now. I don't know if it's the healing power of time, or lack of medicine.

 

I just remember that I used to feel...hard. Like a hardened super-hero character or something.

I didn't feel like me.

I felt unnatural, like I had to be hardcore in order to protect myself.

 

But of course things change with time.

 

And all of the crying......I kind of just let it come, except when I'm at work, I then do my best to hold it back.

 

I feel better in a lot of ways. I actually get my hair done weekly, I wear makeup more frequently, I enjoy working and I do well on the job.

I guess those are things I should be proud of.

 

I guess I realize that everything takes its time, no matter how painful it my be.

 

I just really needed to talk to someone about everything.

 

Thanks for listening.

~Grace

[simrank84]

u could talk to me child...i will listen to u...and try very hard through prayers and thought to help you...much love

[ButterflyWrists]

Hello Grace, I know how your feeling, but my feelings havn't gone so far yet. I wish there was something I could do to help you. If you need anyone you can always talk to me.

[itsallgrand]

Grace,

 

You are going to be okay, honey.

 

I am so glad to hear that you are improving. Yes, I can tell you are starting to really grieve. And that is good. Painful as -, but good.

 

You are in my thoughts. Love seeing your posts and to know you are 'ok'.

 

I feel like I really know what you mean. I hope it can be some comfort or anything to know you aren't alone in those experiences. An odd comfort, because it is sad to know others go through it, but also good to know others have gotten through it and understand.

 

take care.

[Juliana]

I think you are improving. Your relationship is stable. You enjoy your work and you are working. Sorry to hear about your therapist. But looking at the overall facts about your life, inspite of how vulnerable and hurt you still feel, you are actually self-supporting, you are making progress, you are healing.

[Gracelove]

Hey There Guys!!!

Thank you so very much for your support!!!

~Grace