Would you take someone back?

[CarrieN]

He didn't cheat on me, or ever once treat me badly (actually the opposite, he was a lovely boyfriend) but after we got to the point where it was going to turn into a long term commitment he said he wasn't ready.

 

At the time, I deeply felt he was making the wrong decision and communicated that. He wasn't interested in other girls, we were in love, and it had nothing to do with our relationship (which was great), it was just down to him having three failed relationships before me that he said put him off and made it hard to trust me and feel hopeful for the long term future.

 

It was obvious during the breakup that it wasn't really what he wanted. He was really upset and very conflicted. He kept tying to backtrack by asking if we could still spend time together and trying to come up with any way he could think of to see or talk to me. Even in the middle of doing it he was saying he knew he'd be back regretting it. It didn't seem at all like the right thing to do and it made both of us miserable.

 

A few weeks on, and of course he is back regretting it. I know maybe this is some fantasy for some women that their ex wants them back but it doesn't feel that way for me. I feel sad, I feel like he walked away from me, I feel like he broke my trust, I feel like he gave up. We had a really lovely relationship that was built on kindness and affection and trust and both of us choosing the other one - and he let me down.

 

Can anyone else tell me how they would feel?

 

Do I believe he genuinely has an emotional hangup that caused him to completely panic when we got serious? Yes. do I genuinely believe he loves me? Absolutely. But I also believe he should have come to me with it and worked through it. Not left me.

 

My feeling right now is: you left, you don't get to come back but my friends and family tell me I always expect perfection and hold people up to impossible standards. Maybe that is true of me and I want to know if people think I am too harsh and maybe cutting off my nose to spite my face or if you think sometimes just one wrong decision changes everything?

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? What do you mean by "long term committed relationship"? Marriage? Living together? Dating exclusively? How old is he? Does he have his own place, car and career in order? He didn't walk away, you gave him an ultimatum and broke up with him. He didn't let you down, you dumped him. Don't play games. Decide what you want and what he wants, then move forward accordingly.

we got to the point where it was going to turn into a long term commitment he said he wasn't ready. I feel sad, I feel like he walked away from me, I feel like he broke my trust, I feel like he gave up. We had a really lovely relationship that was built on kindness and affection and trust and both of us choosing the other one - and he let me down.

[DancingFool]

Do I believe he genuinely has an emotional hangup that caused him to completely panic when we got serious? Yes. do I genuinely believe he loves me? Absolutely. But I also believe he should have come to me with it and worked through it. Not left me.

 

The above in bold especially. No, you aren't too harsh or too much of a perfectionist or anything else such. You have remarkable common sense and a healthy sense of boundaries. Your conclusion is spot on and you are being sensible.

 

Sometimes, those close to us end up giving us unintentionally bad advice because their point of view is a bit tainted...ironically by caring too much about you. They know you really love him, they don't want you to be alone (even though that's not a bad thing) so they want you to forgive him and take him back.

 

However, he did break your trust in the worst possible way and that destroys relationships. By the way he was communicating with you, he knew what he was doing and chose to do it anyway. He may love you, but he didn't care enough and was willing to lose the relationship. The real poison pill of taking someone back isn't just that trust is broken, but that respect is gone too. He walked away and taking him back would make you a doormat. You'd set the tone that he can treat you like that and you'll be there to pick up the pieces. So no, don't take him back.

 

Btw, my advice would be different IF he had taken some serious time out, sought help and counseling for his issues and then came back and told you all that he has done while he was gone to fix himself and would you be willing to give him a second chance now that he has done what he needs to do to be a better, more reliable, healthier person....OR he did all that while maintaining your relationship. Instead....he is just jerking you around and blaming his past, his ex's, etc. Beware of any man who blames......that's just the tip of the iceberg for deeper character issues and you are experiencing that right now.

[Enn]

I would feel as you feel. In fact I did feel as you feel. But I gave him another chance. Made him 'prove himself' first. Gosh he really went out of his way with the grand gestures and he was really committed after that, wanted to get married and everything.

 

And guess what?! Two years later, he wanted out again! By then we were in an on-off cycle and in all he left THREE times (yep, I know only an idiot take someone back more than once. Each time he begged and begged and cried and wrote letters and send things and turned up on the doorstep with things and said I was his soulmate)...he'd have left a fourth but I finally established some boundaries and threw him out.

 

Truth be told...he ruined it the first time he left. I didn't treat him as well as I could have after that, didn't trust him, lost my confidence...and with good reason - every time he'd get 'depressed' and 'confused' and 'upset' and 'conflicted' I'd be there like a big support blanket, only to be cast aside again.

 

Wanting someone not to leave you is not 'impossible standards' - it's healthy. He's the one who has cut off his nose to spite his face. I admire you.

[CarrieN]

We were dating for eight months and he was always committed in a day to day sense; exclusivity and consistent time together was never an issue and he was a very loving boyfriend that never gave me any angst or worries. He was extremely loving, kind, supportive and overall the best boyfriend I have had in a decade.

 

I started to notice though after we'd been together about six months that there was some mixed signals being sent, and he wasn't letting me into his life in an equal proportion and he did small things, that came across as odd which I felt were designed to maintain autonomy in a way that made me uncomfortable. No, I didn't want to get married or move in together but wanted to know if some of the ways he behaved were signs he wanted to stay away from the 100% commitment (as it turned out I was right about that)

 

I didn't break up with him, I asked him to work through his issues. He said chose to walk away rather than do that.

 

I think his life is in a fair bit of chaos. He has an incredible job, but as I mentioned he'd left a very long term relationship shortly before we met so he kind of left with just the clothes on his back kind of thing so I guess he's not completely sorted in his life.

 

Just as a note on this though: A woman asking her long term boyfriend what his intentions are for future and asking for her needs to be met isn't the same as an ultimatum. It's the last hide-out of the broken, divorced millennial man to think he can sleep in a woman's bed every night and be her best friend, lover and partner in all the ways that suit him but to hold back some bits because he's "scared". It's just not an okay way to behave. If you don't want a relationship - simple solution - don't be in one. Don't try and cherry pick parts of one and then make another person miss out on a fulfilling and loving relationship that is going somewhere. If you're asking me if I said "hey, if you want to be with me then you have to tell me stuff too, this is not a one way street", then yes, I did that. I want to love someone wholeheartedly and to get it back.

 

It doesn't mean I dumped him, if he had a genuine problem (I think he did) then I would have done whatever was needed to work through it, go at his pace, talk about specific stuff that freaked him out and why. the last thing I wanted to do or was going to do was walk out on a happy relationship with someone I really loved because I know those are hard to come by

[maew]

It was obvious during the breakup that it wasn't really what he wanted. He was really upset and very conflicted. He kept tying to backtrack by asking if we could still spend time together and trying to come up with any way he could think of to see or talk to me. Even in the middle of doing it he was saying he knew he'd be back regretting it. It didn't seem at all like the right thing to do and it made both of us miserable.

 

No OP you need to stop telling yourself this. It WAS what he really wanted or he wouldn't have done it. What he didn't want to do was hurt you and make you feel sad because of his decision... and he didn't want to live with the regret of not having worked through his feelings around this with you... but don't fool yourself into thinking he didn't want to leave you, because he did. And this is why you don't and perhaps shouldn't trust that he won't do it again.

 

Anytime someone has done this in a relationship with me I usually end it for good. If they don't have the courage and desire to communicate and work through things together, they don't deserve to have me as a partner.

[reinventmyself]

 

Just as a note on this though: A woman asking her long term boyfriend what his intentions are for future and asking for her needs to be met isn't the same as an ultimatum. It's the last hide-out of the broken, divorced millennial man to think he can sleep in a woman's bed every night and be her best friend, lover and partner in all the ways that suit him but to hold back some bits because he's "scared". It's just not an okay way to behave. If you don't want a relationship - simple solution - don't be in one. Don't try and cherry pick parts of one and then make another person miss out on a fulfilling and loving relationship that is going somewhere. If you're asking me if I said "hey, if you want to be with me then you have to tell me stuff too, this is not a one way street", then yes, I did that. I want to love someone wholeheartedly and to get it back.

 

So, having said all this, do you believe he's evolved and if so what has he done that indicates this to you?

[CarrieN]

I think that comment was just a response to the first poster who more or less said this was my fault for giving ultimatums. I think modern dating is a bit hard on women in that sense, as if it's a crime to expect a mutually loving relationship where both needs are met and any request are met with the response that we're creating pressure.

 

As for him, I think he is a million miles away from being evolved and healed, but I think the only thing that ever heals that is either 5 or 6 years in intense weekly therapy whilst not dating anyone OR a loving relationship where you work through it together. Both can be hugely healing, and ideally you would do both. I am not a big believer in being alone to heal - if you have the capacity to love and feel deep caring for someone there's no reason they can't walk your journey with you. I don't want to be anyone's Mamma, but he was a loving, tender and generous partner in most of the ways that matter so getting past this would not have been a problem HAD HE STAYED.

 

for me the only issue is that he chose to walk away from me. to me, that's the trust ruined right there.

[Wolfshook]

I can speak from my experience only. This guy is nowhere near ready to be in relationship. It's really hard to be with someone shortly after you are out of any kind of long term relationship and people should stay single to heal. I did my fair share of dating shortly after my "big breakup" and screwed up every single one for not really being ready. If I were you, I wouldnt take him back so soon.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he may be on the rebound. He was simply not up for the intensity you wanted at 8 mos of dating. Such as having no autonomy or guaranteeing "100% commitment". Don't jump in this much then feel "used". It's that simple.

 

To be honest after dating only 8 mos no one can give you this much reassurance. You'll have to wait, take one step at a time and take some risks. However everything is a learning experience and trying to lock someone down (especially someone who's on the rebound) this hard and fast, unfortunately, as you saw backfires.

-We were dating for eight months

-he did small things, that came across as odd which I felt were designed to maintain autonomy in a way that made me uncomfortable.

-he wanted to stay away from the 100% commitment

[CarrieN]

Unfortunately he may be on the rebound. He was simply not up for the intensity you wanted at 8 mos of dating. Such as having no autonomy or guaranteeing "100% commitment". Don't jump in this much then feel "used". It's that simple.

 

To be honest after dating only 8 mos no one can give you this much reassurance. You'll have to wait, take one step at a time and take some risks. However everything is a learning experience and trying to lock someone down (especially someone who's on the rebound) this hard and fast, unfortunately, as you saw backfires.

 

 

I think you kind of searched my words for ways to make it look like I was being unreasonable but it's not really a reflection of the reality. The things I was describing as designed to give him autonomy were odd by probably anyone's standards in a relationship of 9 months. For example, going through the sudden death of a close relative and attending the funeral without even mentioning it - so this is a strange level of secrecy as you would normally mention this to anyone, much less your girlfriend. Or booking a vacation (with his kids so nothing like single guys having fun) and knowing about it for two months and not telling me until he was on his way to the airport. Stuff like that, which to me were massive red flags of a person who was deliberately distancing and saying "hey I might be sleeping here every night but you are not the boss of me and you have no right to my info!, rather than a case of me wanting too much too soon. As a side note: I could not have cared less if he was going on vacation or anything else, this was not about that. He did these things so he didn't feel too much like he was in a relationship. Which he admits is the truth.

 

@wolfshoock you are probably right on that one. I do wish people would approach dating with a better sense of self awareness rather than these sudden "too late" realisations that they have nothing to offer to the person who just invested a chunk of their life.

[mae19681995]

Sounds like a very serious conversation needs to be had by you two. You need to figure out what both of you clearly want and then decide if being together is the best and healthy thing for the both of you. Once the decision is made then be sure to stick to it for at least a ;little while.... If things change and both of you can be fully committed to each other then go for it. Are you looking to settle down and marry this guy?

[Batya33]

I would but not after more time has passed so you don't do rinse repeat. I wanted to get back together with my boyfriend after a month of being apart. We'd been very serious -yes, a wedding was imminent. He was so into me for so long and he said "no." He said it would be romantic but nothing would change - after a short while I'd have doubts again, etc. 7 years and 7 months later, after having limited contact during those years and seeing each other in person over a year prior, we met for a friendly catch up dinner. Sparks flew. We celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary recently and our son is now 10 years old. We were different people when we got back together and in ways that complemented each other. At that point he wanted to get back together -meaning, I did, too but he raised the issue first 3 weeks after that dinner.

 

So I would wait - not 7 years but I would wait until you two can figure out what changed while you were apart so that he thinks that this time it will work. Missing you is of course very relevant and it's not enough!

 

Edited to add -one time I did take someone back after a few weeks. He broke up with me abruptly after we'd dated seriously for 2 years. Devastating. I didn't know he was unhappy. Or maybe I was too buried in grad school exams to notice. Anyway a few weeks later I come home from my first day of my summer internship. He is waiting at my parents' home where I was living- waiting for hours so he could beg me to get back together. That now he wanted it all -eventual marriage/children/house. We were in our early 20s. I was really happy of course (and no we did not have sex that night or anything -that was not what it was about). The next day - after I'd told everyone - couldn't contain myself -he called me and said in a dejected voice that he realized he didn't want me back, that he couldn't give me what I wanted, that if we got back together he'd hurt me again. We got back together briefly once more then, about 6 months later, for a longer time.

 

At the end of that time he proposed. And I realized -before he proposed- which was a huge surprise - that marriage to him would feel lonely -that his coldness/distance was exciting but not sustaining for the long term. I ended things that night. And later I found out why he was distant, why it didn't work. Because he was lying to himself about being gay (no, no signs, yes, active sex life, awesome chemistry). I found it about 10 years later when he told me. He's been happily coupled and married to a man for over 20 years now. My takeaway - don't do the back and forth thing because it becomes its own drama, you don't really get to know each other again if one of you is waiting for the other shoe to drop - be careful about why you're getting back together and the timing. Certainly the gay part is unusual but it could be anything that is a dealbreaker that you ignore because you're too focused on "making it work"

[smackie9]

This is a personal thing, and each person would have their own feeling on what should be decided. You need to ask yourself "Am I willing to risk it? Risk my time, my investment, my heart and feelings just to be with him? can I trust him enough that he will pull through?"

 

My personal assessment...no I would not waste my time. I want a man that is confident to know he wants to be with me 100% and to commit 100%.

[katrina1980]

"He didn't cheat on me, or ever once treat me badly (actually the opposite, he was a lovely boyfriend) but after we got to the point where it was going to turn into a long term commitment he said he wasn't ready."

 

--

 

This^ is telling. Sounds like he has serious commitment issues, and no those issues do not go away without serious introspection, self-analysis and perhaps even therapy to help resolve.

 

Or even with distance and space, even though this is likely what he believes, hence why he regrets his decision and wants to come back.

 

Of course he regrets it, and wants to come back; after you broke up, the space and distance took the pressure off, alleviating his anxiety and he got a chance to miss you! To "long" for you. To believe his decision was hasty and regret it.

 

Be very careful here Carrie, because it's quite likely that once he's back, it's only a matter of time before his fears and anxieties return, he can't deal with the "pressure" and responsibilities of what a true commitment entails and he wants to bolt again.

 

I have a friend who went through this back and forth, hot/cold, push/pull with her commitmentphobe bf for seven years!

 

Until he bolted for good leaving her utterly devastated.

 

You sound very smart! Stay with that.

 

For me, knowing what I do now about commitment fears and anxieties, no I would not go back.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately the bottom line is the same. You were more invested than he was. He shouldn't be sleeping there every night. Too much, too soon. He had his foot on the brakes and you had your foot on the accelerator. Just incompatible.

 

When he was shutting you out and compartmentalizing you into the "last to know, need to know basis" is when you should have called it quits. So in retrospect it was not "a really lovely relationship that was built on kindness and affection and trust" at all. That is what you wanted and wished it had been. However someone who shuts you out on a regular basis is none of these things.

"hey I might be sleeping here every night but you are not the boss of me and you have no right to my info!