2 year relationship likely on the rocks?

[accidentprone]

my gf is 26 and im 31 and we've been together for 2 years. the dynamic of our relationship is an unconventional one as she lives 1.5 hours away and doesnt have a car so i have done all the back and forth for two years. its not terrible and we've managed to spend nearly every weekend together for the past 2 years. like all relationships it started exciting, alternating if we'd stay in her town or mine, taking small trips every few months, and building comfortable "homes" in each of our places (though she was never in love with my city and really only liked hers slightly more)

We've been through nearly everything you can think of together from job changes to a pregnancy scare fairly early on and have weathered many storms and fights together. for the most part up until a couple months ago, we were very happy and saw/spoke about a future together. However, over the past few months i have noticed a change in her overall excitement/affection toward me. Now a lot of it had to do with my sexual drive dropping off for a while which made things a little sparse in that area, which caused tension with the little we were already seeing each other anyway, and we discussed this every so often, but then things seemed like they improved afterwards or maybe they just went away for a while.

over the past few months i have noticed her pulling away it seems and becoming distant here and there. i know she has a hard time with work (hates her job) and was feeling disconnected from her friends and social life and some other stressors and we've talked about these things off and on. right around the time of her pulling away or slightly before, we were talking about moving her here soon as both of our leases are up at the same time at beginning of sept and it seemed like we were both on board and excited as this would afford her more job opportunity in this bigger city, as well as give us more time together, and be the next chapter for our relationship.

two weekends ago, at the end of my birthday weekend/trip we ended up getting into a big fight which seemed to come from nowhere (though i had been holding back that i thought things were off) because she had been weird and distant with me all weekend and also kept getting texts from a name (actually just initials, which i thought was weird) and seemed a little secretive about it - so in my head i made connections that may or may not be there based on our lack of sex, her seeming aloofness, and the weird texts, tried to push and find out what was up and ended up asking if there was someone else, because to be fair this is how people act when there is and gave her an out if there is or if she doesnt want to be together right now. this resulted in her freaking out and "needing space" to think about why she might be feeling this way. we agreed to not see each other the following week/weekend to give her some time. i know i messed up alot by bringing this up and escalating in that way and told her this.

we spoke a little off and on to just check up through the week and she would often say she missed me, etc but we talked about nothing serious until sunday when we had what felt like a productive conversation during which she said that she thinks what the problem is would be for the past few months she's felt like shes been missing out on the type of life she had before we were together, and especially recently since shes been hanging out much more with friends new and old, but is still pretty sure she still wants to be together, etc. although the upcoming move (i am moving out regardless so it will either be me or the two of us)is likely an added pressure there too. i still have a weird feeling that somethings off because she's acting much different and less connected with me than she ever has before - not contacting me much and our conversations are flat. though as of today we have plans to come back here and hang out this weekend and i dont really plan on having any serious talks or anything but at this point, knowing she's hot and cold and essentially having doubts about the relationship, im not exactly sure how to proceed. this will be the first ive seen her in two weeks, easily the longest we've gone in two years.

if the relationship has run its course, that would be really hard, but i'd understand but she isnt acting as if she really really wants to be together but at the same time, shes still making plans and reaching out to me. not sure whats going on and any advice or similar situations would be appreciated.

[SGH]

Well, it certainly sounds like there is someone else. I think the initials for a contact and her being secretive about the messages on top of her being less interested in the relationship are clear signs. A lot of times cheaters become very defensive and seek to find other reasons to end a relationship to avoid taking responsibility.

 

However, it doesn't actually matter if she is cheating, in terms of whether you should continue forward with this woman. If closing the distance resulted in this level of drama, how will she react to commitment in the future? It sounds like she's ready to see what else is out there and has no intention of ever giving you what you want. Trust your gut here and maybe consider letting her go.

[accidentprone]

SGH - very strange indeed. hence the reason it popped into my mind and i started making all of these connections. i wanted to be careful though not to just give into paranoia and sudden onset insecurity over a few less than perfect (but still pretty good overall) months coupled with texts from an unknown person i didnt directly ask her about. still dont know who was texting her but certainly agree that its just initials, which is very weird. again though i wouldnt want to open that door of accusation unless i was sure because then there is no going back from that. i did ask her during the fight and once since then if there was someone else because she was giving me such weird signals. i am clearly trying to give her an out. and i have also cut my communication way back, to which she reacts poorly (didnt answer several texts and a call i didnt see on sunday and she flipped out saying i was ignoring her) its very strange hot and cold behavior im sensing.

regarding closing the distance, it didnt cause the drama but moreso it adds a bit to the pressure on both of us knowing that its coming up soon, and that with the acknowledged fact that something has been off, has made it an elephant in the room. but the elephant is getting louder and im soon going to have to start making decisions which will likely result in ultimatums, for lack of better word. and that surely never goes well.

i dont want to end things and be wrong about my reasons, but i know she wont admit to me if it was actually more than just her having cold feet about moving. i also dont want to try and hangout together if things are going to be weird. i suppose even though i am hesitant due to how things were the last time we were together, that i will see her this weekend just to see how things feel and hope that gives me a better idea of whats up and what to do.

[limichelle]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s not easy and I’m sure you feel you’re in between a rock and a hard place with the suspicion of her cheating. The best advice I can give is and it may sound too matter of fact or hard to hear. Your relationship has run it’s course regardless if she’s cheating or not cheating.

 

Once one partner gets distant and puts up these walls between you and her. Well it means she’s most likely emotionally checked out.

 

It’s really not fair when it happens but you do deserve better.

 

You need someone who you won’t ever need to question.

 

I think you will need to have the hard talk this weekend but I also know it’s for the best in the long run.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Your instincts are correct that she is dissatisfied and distancing herself. It could be the LDR or that she doesn't want to move or the lack of affection or recent exacerbation of the problems by ignoring her. Hopefully it will come to a head and you will either sort it out or be free to date local women. Either way it will turn out well. It sounds like you are quite incompatible and pursuing a LDR hasn't been working. You would have closed the gap much sooner than this if you both really wanted to be together.

 

Also " your lease is up" may not be a romantic proposal or anything she wants. It comes off as an economic decision where you just want a roommate to defray costs. (because the sex/affection is dropping off so much and that's the real elephant in the room) By the way are you depressed or on meds or having ED issues? Are you clear on your goals/values vs hers regarding commitment future kids etc?

didnt answer several texts and a call i didnt see on sunday and she flipped out saying i was ignoring her.

[MissCanuck]

I don’t think your suspicion that she has met someone else is totally incorrect, unfortunately.

 

But as another poster pointed out, it almost doesn’t matter. The main problem is that she is absolutely pulling away from the relationship and doesn’t seem to want the same things you do anymore.

 

I would see what happens on this upcoming visit but you two will need to have an honest talk again soon about whether there is a future here. I suspect you may have met the end of the road with her, though.

[RedDress]

In your shoes, the first thing I would do would be to remove the stressor and pressure to move in together in September. I know that sucks, and it means more driving for you, but if it’s causing additional stress - remove it. Can you each extend your leases another 6 months? Or change to month-to-month? You need to get your relationship on track first and that will be very difficult with this deadline looming over your heads. (BTW - it’s probably what will happen anyways. I don’t think she’ll move if it involves changing cities, leaving her friends and family, having to find a new job, etc - if she’s questioning the relationship).

 

Next - what is the sex issue? This is not going to go away on its own. Are you having more sex? How was the lack of sex making her feel? Have you spoken about this?

 

I think you should tell her how much you love her, explain that you really want things to work, and ask her what all the issues are in the relationship from her perspective. Really listen to the answer. Don’t get defensive. Don’t try to solve the problems on the spot. Don’t tell her she’s wrong. There will be time for all that later. Just listen. Take it all on board.

 

Oddly, I wouldn’t even worry about that potential other guy. Your relationship is either salvageable or it’s not. It could be that it’s not, that she has already checked out and has started to move on. Or maybe not. But in a way, IMO, it’s a side issue. The real issue is that your relationship isn’t working and you need to see if it’s something that can be fixed or not.

[Gary Snyder]

You said your sex drive has dropped off - did you reject her advances ever?

[accidentprone]

thanks for all your respective input. it certainly is a rough and stressful time for several reasons that all happen to be going on at once. i will try and answer your individual questions.

 

wiseman2 - the LDR certainly hasnt helped things and we had been on the same page up until a couple months ago that we wanted to be in the same place together and the upcoming "ending leases" just happened to be an easy way to plan and would give us time to prepare. the big issue that ive seen with that was the wishy washy nature of her questioning whether or not it was a good idea anytime we'd have a fight or anything, as if things would always be the way that she felt in that moment of fighting. catch 22 is that the tension and fights were brought on in large part by the distance so this seemed like a great way to resolve those issues. i am not depressed nor have ED issues. this issue with our sex life is that it went through phases of ups and downs, some because of things on my side and some on hers. we have had plenty of discussion in the past which improved things for a bit but then something would happen where it dropped off and if we're only getting 2ish days together per week its hard to balance everything, but i am afraid that internally she has just given up, which is surely possible. prior to these things over the past couple months, our goals/future plans/values all lined up so well.

 

misscanuck - i agree with the possibility of her having met someone else, even though im sure she'd never admit it or hasnt acted on it, not sure. she's never given me reason to not trust her, especially with us spending 5 of 7 days apart typically, which is why this sudden feeling of suspicion caught me very off guard and made me feel crazy and ended up blowing up/handling things in the worst way. i should have brought things up in a more fair and neutral way instead of unloading at once while making these connections that may or may not be there. i will agree though that she has been pulling away from the relationship to an extent but again with only seeing each other twice a week and the communication the rest of the week being a good morning/good night and occasional catch up call, theres not much to go on. but things did feel on track for the most part. its really only over the past 2 weeks that the communication has been sparse and tense and she has really felt like shes pulling away alot (which i feel is in large part due to our fight making he either realize/question how shes been feeling) but then even today i get call with her telling me that she misses me and is excited to see me tomorrow and for our time together. there just seems to be no consistency.

 

reddress - regarding the move, i am really pretty much already planning on just finding the new place for myself and leaving the door open if she ever decided she was ready. the biggest thing i hate about all this is that our relationship felt like it was progressing the right way and we were working towards something (this being able to be together in a normal way like we have wanted) but i feel like with the past couple months of things being a little off and then the last two weeks of things being a lot off following the fight, that this is not too little and too late. the sex issue is the we were having less over the past couple months but again with only seeing each other twice a week it was hard to sustain enough for her (her drive was always higher) she had been put off and frustrated when it wasnt happening enough and we were working on it (again hard with such little time) and i really am afraid that she's just given up on me/that altogether, which is likely a big component of this whole mess - and the biggest slap in the face is that it will be my fault, which is hard to live with. she knows how much i love her and care for her and she knows just how much ive sacrificed and done to make this relationship work (although i have not once held it over her head and never would) she knows that i really want this to work and she says that she does (but at the same time is frustrated with the lack of sex as well as her recent loss of weekend freedom/social life with her friends, etc.)

 

at the end of the day, im really just going to see how this weekend goes and hopefully it will tell me what i need to know and help with my decision/what to do going forward. i have certainly had thoughts and made suggestions of us taking more than just these two weeks apart and she gets seemingly upset by the idea and goes on about missing me, and then irrationally worried that i just want to hangout with another girl, etc. so over the past two weeks when all of this discussion has been swirling, i have given her plenty of outs on this and chances for some real space to "think" about things but she doesnt take them and instead wants to make plans with me for this weekend. i truly think she is torn at this point and unsure of how much she values and wants the relationship. i have no intentions of pressuring her on the move, especially with things being so off recently, and just seeing how the next couple weeks go (while on my own making my necessary plans to find a new place, etc.)

[catfeeder]

If I sensed a lover pulling away, I would do the opposite of trying to spend more time together. I'd say, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future, but I recognize that you're no longer 'all in' with me. So I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. You get to take all the time you want to work out whatever it is that's distancing you from me. If you ever decide that you're ready to fully invest in a committed relationship with me, at least living near one another, then you can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

Boom, done. Problem solved--for me. I won't pretzel myself 'around' someone else's doubts. Either we're a good match together, or not. If so, we'll meet on higher ground someday without any influence or manipulation from me. If not, then there's no time like the present for me to move my focus onto my own well being and someday meeting the RIGHT match for me.

 

Catering to her unwillingness to travel on her own to see you speaks of an imbalanced investment in this relationship. She's only confirming that, so scrambling to avoid dis-illusion-ment is not a great idea. I'd back off and let the chips fall.

 

Head high.