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Fiancé going back to Uni


Jadebx

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Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.

Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.

I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!

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You can't stop him from doing what he wants. However you can let him move out and pay child support and childcare bills while you go back to work. He is strong-arming you with an ultimatum. Who owns the house you both currently live in? He can have a tantrum, run away and live with his daddy, but he still will have to pay child support and whatever his half of the mortgage/rent is.

 

Do not focus on being a sahm the first two years of your kid's life. Focus on arranging employment and child care and discuss with an attorney what your options are if he abandons the lease, doesn't pay his share of the mortgage or refuses to pay child support. He's not your finance if there are no wedding plans.

We have a 2 year old and a house. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house.
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Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.

Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.

I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!

 

You haven’t told the full story and until you do , no one can offer any sound advice.

 

Do you plan on ever having more children?

Who will stay at home then? You or him?

 

It makes sense to move to his fathers and rent out the home if there is no income otherwise.

But you failed to say where he wanted you and your child to live? If at his fathers too then yes that’s a great way for you both to further your careers.

 

What’s the problem? I don’t actually see one!?

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Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.

Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.

I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!

Bwwhhhaaat? So you wanna work during the day and go to school in the evenings? Where does that leave your kid? You wanna talk about pressure, but that sounds like quite a bit to put on a partner as well. There's a whole lot here to unpack before anyone can in good conscience tell you to just gun for single parenthood and to bank on any decent amount of child support when your "OH" has told you outright he's sacrificing his income, though legal advice and preparedness are never bad things to have.

 

You definitely need to talk to him, and to do so collaboratively. Did this ultimatum really just fall out of the sky? Or is this you just as well digging your heels in? It's difficult to paint him as the bad guy when your own goals would seem to equally, if not more so put pressure on your partner. Looking back honestly, how unfair is it really of him to want to reciprocate the financial support as he takes over SAH duties? He owns the house (and I'm guessing put in the down payment), but were financially dependent on him at all before the kid? Are you not welcome to likewise stay at his father's should you not be willing or able to find a job with financial sustenance, or do you simply not want to even if it would mean you could both pursue your goals?

 

I do completely agree that you shouldn't be assuming primary financial responsibility of an asset you don't have ownership of. Some states do have protections for this, but I wouldn't bank on them in lieu of formal joint-ownership or at the very least an enforceable contract to guarantee a stake in the home value proportionate to what you put in. I would voice this concern as well.

 

I'd seriously consider a counselor, though. Guy could be a complete ***hole, but generally speaking there are easier ways to manipulate someone into paying your mortgage while you go to school than getting someone pregnant and financially supporting them as a stay-at-home for two years. Sounds like there's a decent amount of resentment built up, and it's far from me to say what's justified or not, especially given the lack of detail provided. A professional third party would likely go a long way in coming to a mutually beneficial agreement.

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Hi there, I’m a 27f and OH is 24m. We have a 2 year old and a house. I have been a SAHM for the duration of my child’s life, but have finally started to look into getting back into work, as well going back to college in the evening. My fiancé of 4 years has decided to go back to university in September to do a post grad course which would mean he can no longer pay the bills. He has basically said, I either find a job ASAP that could tide us over or he is moving to his fathers and renting the house. (It’s under his name) the pressure on me is unreal and I feel I now have to give up on my future career to get a full time job to be able to keep our family together. He has said he is doing this for him - he’s not willing to wait an extra year of his life so we are more financially stable etc.

Am I unreasonable? Am I being selfish? I think the main problem is his attitude towards it all.

I’d just like to add- he wanted me home with our child. He took it upon himself to provide for us and I was/am entirely grateful!

 

Why should you be grateful, you were raising your child. You need to get out of this mindset.

 

What he is doing is really manipulative and selfish. I would also assume that his needs and wants always come first?

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Bwwhhhaaat? So you wanna work during the day and go to school in the evenings? Where does that leave your kid? You wanna talk about pressure, but that sounds like quite a bit to put on a partner as well. There's a whole lot here to unpack before anyone can in good conscience tell you to just gun for single parenthood and to bank on any decent amount of child support when your "OH" has told you outright he's sacrificing his income, though legal advice and preparedness are never bad things to have.

 

You definitely need to talk to him, and to do so collaboratively. Did this ultimatum really just fall out of the sky? Or is this you just as well digging your heels in? It's difficult to paint him as the bad guy when your own goals would seem to equally, if not more so put pressure on your partner. Looking back honestly, how unfair is it really of him to want to reciprocate the financial support as he takes over SAH duties? He owns the house (and I'm guessing put in the down payment), but were financially dependent on him at all before the kid? Are you not welcome to likewise stay at his father's should you not be willing or able to find a job with financial sustenance, or do you simply not want to even if it would mean you could both pursue your goals?

 

I do completely agree that you shouldn't be assuming primary financial responsibility of an asset you don't have ownership of. Some states do have protections for this, but I wouldn't bank on them in lieu of formal joint-ownership or at the very least an enforceable contract to guarantee a stake in the home value proportionate to what you put in. I would voice this concern as well.

 

I'd seriously consider a counselor, though. Guy could be a complete ***hole, but generally speaking there are easier ways to manipulate someone into paying your mortgage while you go to school than getting someone pregnant and financially supporting them as a stay-at-home for two years. Sounds like there's a decent amount of resentment built up, and it's far from me to say what's justified or not, especially given the lack of detail provided. A professional third party would likely go a long way in coming to a mutually beneficial agreement.

 

 

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You two are not acting as a team. Couples who respect each other have mature discussions about major decisions, giving each others point of view, and discussing all of the pros and cons, and then coming to a consensus. Improvement will have to be made in that area, whether it be through couples counseling or at the very least, reading books together on couples communication, or it will build so much bitterness, possibly ending the partnership.

 

What's your relationship like otherwise? Do you feel like a priority? Is he a good father? Do you share the same ethics and relationship boundaries?

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I doubt this ultimatum came from thin air.

 

It sounds like you both want to pursue your dreams and they are clashing. Neither of you is supporting the other.

 

I don't see him wanting you to be a SAHM and then suddenly giving you this ultimatum. You've left out some of the story, probably the part where you sound like a jerk as well.

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So you put yourself in the position of being totally financially dependent on him for yourself and your child? Living in his house too?

And now you expect he help you get through college too?

 

I think you failed to plan before having a child, and your expectations are unrealistic. You both need to adjust your thinking.

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It's just nuts for me how low the expectations have been normalized when it comes to women providing for themselves and their own children .

Having a child and being engaged does not absolve you of the responsibility as a grown person to be financially solvent and able to put a roof over the head of you and your child.

This idea that you are being forced to give up your future career if god forbid you have to work full time is ludicrous!

No one, not even your partner, owes you a living.

The idea of you working part-time, and going to college, while he is in charge of child care and bills.... Crazy.

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I think that going back to school full time without sitting down and mapping out the future with you shows little regard for you.

If he has a house - that is his an not yours - and a child with you -- he cannot just stop working completely without it being something you both see eye to eye with.

you have no ownership of the house and are not married.

 

Going back to school PART time - many professional people do grad school like that at least for the first part and transitioning to full at the end - is definitely reasonable. There are many grad programs geared to full time professional workers.

Expecting you to work at least part time is reasonable -- if you work full time, you will have to pay for daycare on top of all the house bills, so to me, working full time vs working part time around his schedule so that someone is watching the child is fully reasonable unless you are blessed with family who want to take the child a few days a week. Or if you can work an opposite schedule - but he in no way should ever *not* be making some money to pay the mortgage for a house you don't own!

 

I don't think this is wholly a matter of you being lazy vs not lazy

or him going to school or not, it speaks of that he doesn't regard you as a team.

 

He didn't say 'we both want to go back to school. how can we do this?"

or "i want to get my grad degree, how do we do that? how can we transition it?"

(btw, if you have no education and some small amount would get you a gainful job where you could support the family - then you should get the education and go to work before he stops working to go to grad school).

 

My cousin was given an ultimatum to go to work full time when her child was 9 months old. She didn't have enough time to really work her contacts and had to take the first job she could find. $400 take home pay, $275 a week for daycare, $30 in gas did not leave a lot left over. And guess what? her kid is sick all the time -- not even normal colds, but has had hoof and mouth, Roseola (sp?) and weird stuff because no one will keep their kids home when they are sick. The kid is a virus in a onesie - and then she has to miss work when the child is sick and so forth.

 

Do you actually have a wedding date?

 

I totally agree -- there is more to the story.

 

Half of me wants to say let him move back in with his folks and you file for custody and child support. is he trying to break up with you?

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Seek legal advice through legal aid to learn the rights of your dependent child. This isn't the kind of stuff you can navigate based on emotion alone, you need real information about the laws in your location. None of us have that expertise here, but it's unlikely that beyond child support you can force another person to support you.

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Hi all thanks for all your advice

I think bottom line is - he’s trying to break up with me.

I think in my OP I came across as if I was moaning that my OH won’t be able to support me etc but that’s not the case. I think my main issue was that he is refusing to communicate, and compromise with me as a family , and a partner. I’ve taken some time out and after many days of trying to talk, and see a bigger picture he is not interested, and is focusing on his own life. Yes, we had a wedding date- it was meant to be next weekend. He’s cancelled the wedding in order for us to fix our problems to make sure it’s completely the right decision which I agreed with. However, he is simply not trying to fix anything and has told me I’m 90% to blame for our issues and he is 10%. Thanks for the messages and I apologise if I came across as needy, or whiney!

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Hi all thanks for all your advice

I think bottom line is - he’s trying to break up with me.

I think in my OP I came across as if I was moaning that my OH won’t be able to support me etc but that’s not the case. I think my main issue was that he is refusing to communicate, and compromise with me as a family , and a partner. I’ve taken some time out and after many days of trying to talk, and see a bigger picture he is not interested, and is focusing on his own life. Yes, we had a wedding date- it was meant to be next weekend. He’s cancelled the wedding in order for us to fix our problems to make sure it’s completely the right decision which I agreed with. However, he is simply not trying to fix anything and has told me I’m 90% to blame for our issues and he is 10%. Thanks for the messages and I apologise if I came across as needy, or whiney!

 

How are you 90% to blame? Unless one party has drug addiction or cheated, no one is 90% to blame - its a little more balanced than that. I think you should seek legal counsel to file for primary physical custody of your child + child support. It may be that you get shared custody but you have to strike first. Can you live with family until you find a job or finish a course to help you find a job?

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What are the issues according to him? They must be very serious to consider cancelling the wedding.

 

I do think a good chunk is due to you not planning for being actually responsible for providing for yourself and your share of kid. All this was avoidable if you did not depend on him, but rather planned your time off. And by that I mean, that you'd have money set aside or an income coming in during that time. Plan going back to work. Also, to plan out how You would pay for college while doing your share of child care.

 

I'm beating a dead horse though. You didn't do those things, and you don't seem to see why that's smart. You are still seeing him as a bad guy for ' forcing you' in a position where you pull your load.

 

He was 22 when you got pregnant, probably is regretting how he did things now. Honestly, cutting you out now will save him a lot of carrying you in the future. He's provided a home, an income, and he has a bright future - he will provide for him and his child.

You did not establish these things for yourself. So now what? Live off others and child support?

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Yikes. I agree with Catfeeder - you need to figure out what legal aid the child can receive. Wanting to go back to school is all well and good, but you have a child now, and that child comes first. Neither of you is acting like the responsible parent right now. Whatever excuse you are both coming up with in terms of blaming the other person is just that - excuses. It doesn't sound like either of you wants this relationship to work out at this point.

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