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Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back


akrngrl

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Hey all!

 

Many probably remember me from my last thread and I got some really insightful advice and I’m kind of reeling so I wanted to come here again to gain perspective and not to act irrationally.

 

Everything was going alright, he moved to the further away location last week and we have plans this weekend for me to go out and go to a sporting event with him.

 

This week that he’s been further away has seemed strained, him not texting me like he used to, etc. but I chalked it up to the new program, don’t dwell on texts, girl it’s been three days, etc.

 

My friend just texted me a pic of his profile on a dating site though that I know for a fact was hidden (aka couldn’t see in the rotation anymore and no distance showed up under his profile). It is very much NOT hidden now. Mine is hidden and we were previously matched so I still have access to his profile without swiping and I checked and it is in fact “live”.

 

The content of texts were the same, “cute/sweet”, the timing and frequency was just severely depleted, but now I have NO IDEA what to do.

 

He’s a good bit away so I’m not sure if I still go this weekend and ask and let him explain, do I text him not to bother me anymore and we’re (whatever this exclusive thing is) is done? I can’t IMAGINE doing this over phone or text or what to even say that’s not overly accusatory right now.

 

I’m just at a loss and I feel like I’ve been stepped on. I was so excited to go this weekend too and now I’m just baffled, insecure and unsure

 

—-> just got a text that said something to effect of “just got done for the day I’m looking forward to seeing you :*”

 

Would someone even text that on their own if they don’t mean it? Why say anything at all? [emoji30]

 

Am I crazy? I feel crazy. I thought we were passed all of this and his profiles (that I know of) have literally been disabled since we had the talk about it and he swore that he wasn’t even looking to meet anyone else.

 

I’m venting, I’m sorry, and I’m likely going to have to sleep on things because I can’t imagine saying anything that would be calm and collected. Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but I feel really hurt and confused. As always, any advice (even what to say verbatim [emoji28]) would be super helpful.

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Sorry to hear about this.

 

Big picture: At this point it's just hard for me to see the point of continuing to engage with this. Too much anxiety, some essential need not being met, and an inability for you two to really communicate in a way that is honest.

 

I mean, what was the last conversation about the apps, etc.? Did he swear that he was off them, forever, focused only on you? If so—well, now you know he's slippery, shady. If it was more vague—well, maybe you're realizing this is all a bit too vague for you, much as you want to be comfortable.

 

As for him sending those texts: of course he means it. He is excited to see you. He can be perfectly excited to see you and also unhide a profile on an app—for a zillion reasons. Those reasons aren't really relevant, I don't think. What's relevant is that this is really tugging you around.

 

And, no, you're not crazy. Not at all. You just seem like you're trying to find ways to stay comfortable in a situation that is proving itself uncomfortable.

 

All in all I think he sees the two of you dating, kind of seriously, whereas you see it as something else, a kind of holding pattern until things get real.

 

I think you need to take a minute to figure out what you really want here, and then either talk to him or, well, stop talking to him.

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Sorry to hear about this.

 

Big picture: At this point it's just hard for me to see the point of continuing to engage with this. Too much anxiety, some essential need not being met, and an inability for you two to really communicate in a way that is honest.

 

I mean, what was the last conversation about the apps, etc.? Did he swear that he was off them, forever, focused only on you? If so—well, now you know he's slippery, shady. If it was more vague—well, maybe you're realizing this is all a bit too vague for you, much as you want to be comfortable.

 

As for him sending those texts: of course he means it. He is excited to see you. He can be perfectly excited to see you and also unhide a profile on an app—for a zillion reasons. Those reasons aren't really relevant, I don't think. What's relevant is that this is really tugging you around.

 

And, no, you're not crazy. Not at all. You just seem like you're trying to find ways to stay comfortable in a situation that is proving itself uncomfortable.

 

All in all I think he sees the two of you dating, kind of seriously, whereas you see it as something else, a kind of holding pattern until things get real.

 

I think you need to take a minute to figure out what you really want here, and then either talk to him or, well, stop talking to him.

 

Hey bluecastle! Hope you’re doing well!

 

Our last convo was that we hid them and he “wasn’t even using them and wasn’t looking for anyone”. It was mostly about him working through his “issues” with being emotionally vulnerable. That was at the beginning of last month.

 

Two weeks ago I brought up what we wanted to do (continue on the same or not) and he said he wanted to continue on (although yanno, not super serious). We had a handful of sleepovers and dates after that and all was status quo.

 

To me, since this particular app had been hidden for the last month and some odd days, I’m not sure what changed for him in terms of thinking it was okay to reactivate? Or why, since he told me he wasn’t even looking and I got the distinct impression (and never thought otherwise) that it wasn’t me vs other women (for lack of a better analogy), but me vs his brain/fears.

 

We are sexually and this whole time have been exclusive (in terms of not meeting others). I’m not sure what he was thinking with this move to be honest.

 

I’m definitely NOT okay with him being back on the dating app after being off the whole time in ~my area. That’s not cool to me in the slightest and definitely isn’t what I consider “staying as we were”. For lack of a better term we have been a couple without the title.

 

He’s done/said nothing to indicate he was not okay with this arrangement anymore (other than obv reactivating the app).

 

I’m still reeling, but I’ve calmed down a bit since initially posting. Still don’t know what to do/say though that isn’t like “dude you’re so busted”

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Also, just a question: Is your friend in his new location? Like how did she see him on there? Was she just swiping herself?

 

She was just swiping herself. And this was the app that I mentioned in my old post so when he “hid” it it was very much hidden/distance gone etc.

 

I’ll admit this week I’ve tried to dial back my expectations because I’ve realized some things, but I’m not about to dial them back THAT far where he can now also be swiping lol.

 

I mostly just wanted things to stay as they were. I feel like I needed a little more boundary (what I could reasonably expect as not a gf but not a casual one off/where I had to draw that line in not being too girlfriendy, etc), but other than those clarifications, I genuinely expected everything (esp these next few weeks) to stay the same. We never had impromptu meet ups when he was close-it was all planned out so really nothing should have felt different.

 

He was also mentioning about how he was going to be back soon/excited to come back/can’t wait to see your place when I’m back (as in over the summer)

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Ugh.

 

I just don't think this guy is able to give you a straight answer. By which I don't mean he's being purposely shady, but that he just doesn't know how to be straightforward. It leaves you filling in the blanks, in ways that come back to bite you when reality is a little different.

 

So, sure, you can talk to him. I would just be calm. "Hey, there's something I need to bring up. A friend saw you on the app, and I have to say I was taken aback. Whatever we are, I've been under the impression that we're exploring it without exploring other options, and that we'd be honest with each other if anything changed."

 

That said, I suspect he'll do some hemming and hawing that really won't sit well, and if that's the case you need to be ready to cut bait.

 

And, honestly, it's just hard for me to see what you're still getting at this point. I mean, can you answer that question right now? Like, what is the point of staying in this?

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Ugh.

 

I just don't think this guy is able to give you a straight answer. By which I don't mean he's being purposely shady, but that he just doesn't know how to be straightforward. It leaves you filling in the blanks, in ways that come back to bite you when reality is a little different.

 

So, sure, you can talk to him. I would just be calm. "Hey, there's something I need to bring up. A friend saw you on the app, and I have to say I was taken aback. Whatever we are, I've been under the impression that we're exploring it without exploring other options, and that we'd be honest with each other if anything changed."

 

That said, I suspect he'll do some hemming and hawing that really won't sit well, and if that's the case you need to be ready to cut bait.

 

And, honestly, it's just hard for me to see what you're still getting at this point. I mean, can you answer that question right now? Like, what is the point of staying in this?

 

I really appreciate the verbatim quote because I really need it now.

 

DEFINITELY cutting ties if he hems and haws about that-like dude COME ON.

 

on here i know I register at a -10 on the cool/calm/collected scale but I’ve literally been cool as a cucumber with him-even telling him not to freak out when I brought something up because he looked like he’d seen a ghost or I’d just told him I had five heads lol.

 

I don’t know if I’m latching on to the good times and still believing he’s that guy, etc. I guess I haven’t really put much thought into it, but up until he left/this point he was someone I enjoyed sharing things with and hearing from. I felt secure and honestly like nothing would be different. Sure I’m seeing some cracks in the foundation as far as where I fall on the priority scale, but he made these plans with me last week and I thought to myself “oh wow, he’s really making the effort!” And I was so excited to get to go to this event with him (and I don’t even really like sports so go figure)

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I very much get that you're cool with him, while being jittery on here. Which is kind of the problem. The authentic you is somewhere in between, and if a relationship makes accessing the authentic you a challenge—well, problems.

 

And, if I may, I think the big problem here is that somewhere, deep in your core, you doubt the strength of this connection, and probably have for a while. How into you is he? How into him are you? Those questions have never quite stopped percolating. If you were confident in it, if you were secure, you wouldn't need the apps to be much of a gauge at this stage. You'd just kind of...know. And you'd be genuinely cucumber-like, instead of using a cucumber front to extract little nuggets to be able to chill, lean into it, explore.

 

Perhaps you both got into this in a similar headspace: not looking to jump in, down to explore, no rush to label, and so on. And that's why it worked, for a bit. And maybe that authentic you remains genuinely open to that sort of exploration, but to go there it needs to be a connection you're more confident in than this one—something deeper, more intentional, something with that mysterious juju that we all want, and you so want this to have, but perhaps there's just not enough of it.

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I very much get that you're cool with him, while being jittery on here. Which is kind of the problem. The authentic you is somewhere in between, and if a relationship makes accessing the authentic you a challenge—well, problems.

 

And, if I may, I think the big problem here is that somewhere, deep in your core, you doubt the strength of this connection, and probably have for a while. How into you is he? How into him are you? Those questions have never quite stopped percolating. If you were confident in it, if you were secure, you wouldn't need the apps to be much of a gauge at this stage. You'd just kind of...know. And you'd be genuinely cucumber-like, instead of using a cucumber front to extract little nuggets to be able to chill, lean into it, explore.

 

Perhaps you both got into this in a similar headspace: not looking to jump in, down to explore, no rush to label, and so on. And that's why it worked, for a bit. And maybe that authentic you remains genuinely open to that sort of exploration, but to go there it needs to be a connection you're more confident in than this one—something deeper, more intentional, something with that mysterious juju that we all want, and you so want this to have, but perhaps there's just not enough of it.

 

I can agree with you on that. And I can admit that a number of smaller events before him leaving no doubt are playing their role in how I feel now.

 

I am fairly certain though that I’d still react mostly the same-less of a tizzy maybe, but underneath that frantic, nausea induced state is genuine me going “what the actual eff? This is not what we agreed on”.

 

I think I’ve been a little unsteady about our connection based on those other things I touched on above, but that by and large is mostly causing my initial “panic” I suppose we can call it.

 

I love coming here for perspective though because my immediate reaction was/maybe still kinda is “torch the trader” haha.

 

It’s odd because I do need some more time in this “space” and the more I’m in it the more I am genuinely like “thank the heavens he didn’t agree to be official when I first asked”. TOTAL wrong call on my part. I was trying to assess the bigger picture of why I was hurt when I first found him on the apps and ultimately I wanted a relationship-so I pressed for it thinking that I could bypass the uncomfortable “soooo you said you hid the apps and you didntttttt) convo. Really my issue was that I felt like he lied and that’s how I should have addressed it.

 

What’s happening now (dating site wise), isn’t what I signed up for and though wondering about other paths and should have/what if’s don’t help-I 100% think I’d be in the same situation and finding out all these little cracks as time goes on.

 

I almost feel like I’m getting a lesson that needs to be learned out of it? Like if I had walked a month ago I would have felt like I left the greatest person in the world (even if he didn’t want to be with me the way I wanted him to lol). This experience almost takes him off that pedestal.

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To be completely fair AKN, you insisted on believing you were in a relationship without the labels, he never said those words to you, infact i remember quite well that multiple people including blue said it’s probably best to just accept the situation and him as he was or walk away.

 

While he completely sugar coated the truth he told you what you needed to make an informed decision, he is not in a relationship with you and I’d bet a shiny quarter if you confront him like ‘caught you’ his rebuttal can easily be, ‘I never said we were in a relationship.’

 

Does that excuse him reopening the dating sites, no of course not, I’d be livid, but AKN long distance with no labels... Your red flag meter isn’t off, I think you just kept moving the goal post.

 

definitely don’t confront, give yourself some time. If you still want to go, GO, if not don’t, either decision do what’s best for you, but you have got to accept what he’s showing and telling you, not what if’s, not well maybes, you either accept it or you don’t.

 

I’m sorry this new revelation happened.

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Random venting, but this definitely sparked feelings of betrayal and maybe some resentment, which probably isn’t all that fair.

 

It’s like part of me is still stuck in the mindset of wanting this to be a relationship, even though most of me is thankful it’s not and realized I wasn’t ready like I thought I was.

 

But this small, relationship part of me is a little resentful that I’m going along with what he wanted (even though I logically fully realize this is what’s best and what I actually want at this point-otherwise I’d be coming here saying all of this about a boyfriend and not just someone I’m dating) and he’s still not holding to it.

 

Also, his insistence that he had to work through things to get to a place where he could give me what I wanted and he wasn’t even using the dating sites and didn’t want to meet anyone else. If that changes, by all means tell me, but otherwise I’m going based on that. Granted I haven’t seen any effort to work through things and I’m beginning to believe it was just a bandaid statement, but, and I kinda feel ashamed to admit this, a snarky side of me is thinking “you owe it to me to let me know if your stance has changed, otherwise, Swiper no swiping”.

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To be completely fair AKN, you insisted on believing you were in a relationship without the labels, he never said those words to you, infact i remember quite well that multiple people including blue said it’s probably best to just accept the situation and him as he was or walk away.

 

While he completely sugar coated the truth he told you what you needed to make an informed decision, he is not in a relationship with you and I’d bet a shiny quarter if you confront him like ‘caught you’ his rebuttal can easily be, ‘I never said we were in a relationship.’

 

Does that excuse him reopening the dating sites, no of course not, I’d be livid, but AKN long distance with no labels... Your red flag meter isn’t off, I think you just kept moving the goal post.

 

definitely don’t confront, give yourself some time. If you still want to go, GO, if not don’t, either decision do what’s best for you, but you have got to accept what he’s showing and telling you, not what if’s, not well maybes, you either accept it or you don’t.

 

I’m sorry this new revelation happened.

 

Thank you FIO. I didn’t mean to portray it like thought we were in an official relationship, that’s just the best way I could describe it via this forum.

 

I did/do accept this situation as we had outlined it-which was NOT using the apps, NOT pursuing others and definitely not having intercourse with others. Those parameters were made very clear to my knowledge. Which essentially to me sounds like all the parameters of a RL (hence why that’s how I describe it on here)

 

Anecdote: we were watching some movie a few weeks ago, where the gf was cheating on the bf and he made an off hand comment like “just let me know if that’s something you want to do. Don’t just go do it” as in “let me know if you’re over this, don’t just go behind my back”. Maybe I read too far into it, but I took it as “okay, there would be a formal ‘end’ of sorts”.

 

I appreciate your perspective and probably won’t go the “caught you”/confrontation route.

 

Strange that he’s aware this would hurt me and he was so afraid of disappointing me.

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I watch a lot of trashy TV, it’s a dirty little secret of mine, but it can be beneficial, really you learn a lot of what not to do’s.

 

One big one is women on talk shows catching their partners cheating and they always say what you’re saying “if you don’t want what I want just tell me!” Or “if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me why doesn’t he just say it?

 

I always saw it as removing any responsibility to themselves. Well even though he won’t commit, well even though I keep catching him on dating sites, even though he won’t give me a straight answer. If he didn’t want to be with me he should just say it...

 

I don’t know why you keep trying to convince yourself you don’t want a commitment with this guy, if you didn’t none of this would bother you. Like blue said you’re setting arbitrary rules. I think because you believe it’s good enough and will soothe you, I really and truly think you checked and saw it yourself, I think that because these standards set probably didn’t do enough to make you feel secure, so you have to keep checking to give you temporary peace. If I’m wrong I’m wrong I only say this because I’ve done it, I’ve seen friends do it, I see the women on TV do it with the sexy decoys. At the end of the day lets say you didn’t catch him, he’s still long distance with no labels, most couldn’t do it, it’s ok if you fall into that category.

 

You keep insisting you’re the cool chick who’s anti commitment. Commitment isn’t a bad word and a women wanting one and standing by it and dating with intentions isn’t clingy or needy or desperate, being a commitmentphibe isn’t cute or trendy, I realize a few on your other post made it seem like there was something wrong with you for wanting to know where you stood, it’s a vicious stereotype, you think every woman who’s in a relationship waited out a dude who ‘needed time’? Remember the book ‘he’s just not that into you’ It was a phenomenon because so many women fall for this bull crap that you have to pretend you don’t have standards to keep a man interested. Again a woman wanting a commitment isnt a negative, she’s someone strong who’s not going to put up with games.

 

/rant.

 

I’m not saying this to be harsh to you, I’m saying it because you’re going to be miserable if you keep attempting to convince yourself this is all ok with you, it either is or it isn’t and quite frankly I don’t think it is and that’s ok! If it is, you accept it all, I truly don’t think theres an inbetween.

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I watch a lot of trashy TV, it’s a dirty little secret of mine, but it can be beneficial, really you learn a lot of what not to do’s.

 

One big one is women on talk shows catching their partners cheating and they always say what you’re saying “if you don’t want what I want just tell me!” Or “if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me why doesn’t he just say it?

 

I always saw it as removing any responsibility to themselves. Well even though he won’t commit, well even though I keep catching him on dating sites, even though he won’t give me a straight answer. If he didn’t want to be with me he should just say it...

 

I don’t know why you keep trying to convince yourself you don’t want a commitment with this guy, if you didn’t none of this would bother you. Like blue said you’re setting arbitrary rules because you believe it’s good enough and will soothe you, if it’s not good enough it’s not good enough. At the end of the day lets say you didn’t catch him, he’s still long distance with no labels, most couldn’t do it, it’s ok if you fall into that category.

 

You keep insisting you’re the cool chick who’s anti commitment. Commitment isn’t a bad word and a women wanting one and standing by it and dating with intentions isn’t clingy or needy or desperate, being a commitmentphibe isn’t cute or trendy, I realize a few on your other post made it seem like there was something wrong with you for wanting to know where you stood, it’s a vicious stereotype, you think every woman who’s in a relationship waited out a dude who ‘needed time’? Remember the book ‘he’s just not that into you’ It was a phenomenon because so many women fall for this bull crap that you have to pretend you don’t have standards to keep a man interested. Again a woman wanting a commitment isnt a negative, she’s someone strong who’s not going to put up with games.

 

I’m not saying this to be harsh to you, I’m saying it because you’re going to be miserable if you keep attempting to convince yourself his is all ok with you, it either is or it isn’t and quite frankly I don’t think it is and that’s ok! If it is, you accept it all, I truly don’t think theres an inbetween.

 

Haha I can’t say I watch much trashy TV, but I trust that you’re spot on with their comments.

 

I totally get where you’re coming from and I can appreciate how it looks like I’m moving goal posts trying to convince myself otherwise. I fully own up to maybe moving things a bit as I figured it out.

 

Ultimately (like big picture) I want commitment (as in a committed LTR) that I know, but in that vague, I can’t tell what he looks like way. This guy I DID want commitment (LTR, bf/gf etc) at the beginning (he passed all my markers with FLYING colors) and I was like “yes, this is it”.

 

Him slowing my roll for lack of a better term definitely stung, but all of a sudden these thoughts of “okay is he DEFINITELY right for me long term? Especially if HE isn’t into it yet?” At that time I thought “no harm, were not ~official, but were not dating others and were not looking and we are sexually exclusive and dating exclusive”, which I mean, is really what I want out of a “committed relationship” anyway. (This was after much grappling on here because the notion of that still seemed like it was just missing the “official label” I couldn’t understand why anyone would “give up” the ability to date others and not want the ability to call someone their girlfriend/boyfriend) I did learn all about the gray area between though and I’m thankful for that!

 

At the time everything was AMAZING- I mean I was getting everything I would have ~expected from a relationship so I was willing to give him some time and space to figure it out or to just carry on as long as it was working for me.

 

I promise I’m really not that cool chick, I’m chill as in convos like this don’t have to be wrought with fear, but I know what I want-I just became unsure of whether I wanted “it” with him because really I didn’t know everything yet.

 

Maybe it’s just because time has passed and I’m more ~attached I started to become hyper aware or because things felt like they should be progressing as they had been and they weren’t.

 

He has a habit of “breadcrumming” info. Idk if that’s the right term for it, but in the three months he’s given up just enough info about some things that one would think you’d find out on the first date or through early texting. Honestly, things that had I known up front I wouldn’t have even met him, but because they came out so sporadically it’s like “oh okay, good to know”.

 

Again all things I’m just finding out now, which makes me glad I didn’t dive into that LTR I wanted with him. In general though we have had enough fun and I’ve still really enjoyed being with him, I just became more okay with the fact that he might not be my future husband.

 

It’s still been a very safe space between us though, until this dating app thing. That feels like violated trust. I never thought I’d be the one to say this, but even though it’s not a conventional relationship, whatever we have still had defined boundaries that I was aware of, which makes me not okay that he crossed them.

 

Not harsh at all! I feel like I’m not the best at explaining myself. Also literally every 15 minutes my mood/feelings on the subject change: from crying, to standing up for myself, to being compassionate towards him, to anger, to annoyance, etc [emoji23]

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I hear ya, and I can appreciate your stance, at the same time as lightly as you drew that line in the sand he crossed it. So do you draw another line, build a wall, or say screw the lines and keep going knowing what you know.

 

Take time to think about it. Don’t choose out if fear of losing him.

 

Never forget you’re a prize too, it’s a mutual journey.

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Sorry this happened, akrngrl.

 

I’ve been kinda keeping up with your threads regarding this guy, and, I have to ask...why would you feel any compassion towards him?

 

I’ll admit, when I read your original post about what happened, I got a bit miffed on your behalf.

 

When you speak with him about this, I really hope he doesn’t use the “we weren’t in an exclusive relationship” cr*p, because didn’t you both agree to hide the apps and that you were only seeing each other?

 

I mean, you even took sleeping together off the table until you established this agreement with each other, right?

 

I don’t know...I just can’t see how you can feel any compassion for this guy when he knows full well what he’s doing.

 

I know your emotions are all over the place right now since it’s all pretty raw, but I just don’t want you to lose sight of the deceit.

 

And, wouldn’t he clue-in that you could be looking at the app and see he was active? Was this not how you raised this issue with him last time when you noticed that he appeared to still be using it? (*Just really thinking out loud here in terms of this last point. It boggles the mind*).

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For lack of a better term we have been a couple without the title.

 

Speaking only for myself, this wouldn't be good enough for me in the first place. I'm relationship material, and I'm not interested in playing around at anything less. Either someone is all-in with me, or we're just dating and not even sexual yet. In between is messy kid stuff.

 

I'd phone him, tell him things are off for me because I saw his profile reactivated, and I'd wish him the best.

 

Boom. Done. Not gonna play.

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Sorry this happened, akrngrl.

 

I’ve been kinda keeping up with your threads regarding this guy, and, I have to ask...why would you feel any compassion towards him?

 

I’ll admit, when I read your original post about what happened, I got a bit miffed on your behalf.

 

When you speak with him about this, I really hope he doesn’t use the “we weren’t in an exclusive relationship” cr*p, because didn’t you both agree to hide the apps and that you were only seeing each other?

 

I mean, you even took sleeping together off the table until you established this agreement with each other, right?

 

I don’t know...I just can’t see how you can feel any compassion for this guy when he knows full well what he’s doing.

 

I know your emotions are all over the place right now since it’s all pretty raw, but I just don’t want you to lose sight of the deceit.

 

And, wouldn’t he clue-in that you could be looking at the app and see he was active? Was this not how you raised this issue with him last time when you noticed that he appeared to still be using it? (*Just really thinking out loud here in terms of this last point. It boggles the mind*).

 

Hey Milly!

 

I wish I knew why I wasn’t like “BOOM DONE”, I really really do. I think some part of me somewhere wants to hear him out/wants to call him on his ish in person (and by call him on his ish I mean use bluecastles phrasing lol).

 

Trust me, I’ve been wrestling with this whole “weekend away with him” or just calling it off. My friends want me to go because I was so excited, they’re on my side though so it was more like “have fun, spend his money (on the game tickets/dinner) and think about you for once”. They were trying to cheer me up with the spending his money bit I think lol.

 

Also for SOME dumb reason, I’m like “it’s been three months ,your end of the bargain was to let him know if things changed” and for whatever reason ghosting, or breaking up via text/phone just seems cowardly to me. I can appreciate though that this is because I’m not the one that did something haha.

 

I’m sure he’s NOT doing this, but in my head I keep imagining him being some conniving, manipulative person that thinks he’s getting away with something and not that I’d ever go crazy on him, but being that the mature thing to do is do it face to face I’m kinda like “why give him the satisfaction of a text when he can just go on with his life-let him sit and be uncomfortable with me there even for just a second after all the upheaval this has caused me”. That’s probably really low to think and logical advice says “he’s not worth it”, but I think I’d almost feel better? Half the flair/jokes we had and bonded over were how I could be a firecracker, let him see some of the sparks so to speak (again “sparks” being me laying it out there...not like keying his car or anything like that).

 

We did! I mean he was the one this whole time that said he wasn’t using the apps. I did! Until we agreed to continue as we had been and that was two weeks ago!

 

Like dude, you couldn’t even make it SEVEN days without needing to be swiping after over a month of being off? And the funny thing is this almost seemed better because were going to be together on weekends rather than weeknights (I was v interested to see if he’d give me his weekends bc when he was here he almost always had other plans).

 

Oh trust me, I’m thinking the same thing you are about the last bit- and he always said he seriously dated people that he met (unless that was a lie) so further I’m like WHO do you think you’re going to meet for three weeks while you also are trying to see me before you leave? I mean that both a lil snarky and literally, like your program has you swamped soooooo are you just looking for validation? An ego boost? Are you seriously trying to squeeze another unsuspecting woman into this equation?

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I hear ya, and I can appreciate your stance, at the same time as lightly as you drew that line in the sand he crossed it. So do you draw another line, build a wall, or say screw the lines and keep going knowing what you know.

 

Take time to think about it. Don’t choose out if fear of losing him.

 

Never forget you’re a prize too, it’s a mutual journey.

 

Thank you FIO!

 

I always joke that I’m the whole dang prize machine, though now I kind of feel like that junky broken prize wedged at the bottom haha.

 

He definitely crossed it and I’m definitely trying to separate myself from all the things we built up about this summer and this month even that we were looking forward to.

 

I think the biggest hurdle was watching his location move on the app as a cute/lovey text from him came in.

 

I’m also grumpy because it took me forever to try and extract change in text habits from direct correlation of feelings and now I’m like “Welp this doesn’t support that argument” haha.

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Speaking only for myself, this wouldn't be good enough for me in the first place. I'm relationship material, and I'm not interested in playing around at anything less. Either someone is all-in with me, or we're just dating and not even sexual yet. In between is messy kid stuff.

 

I'd phone him, tell him things are off for me because I saw his profile reactivated, and I'd wish him the best.

 

Boom. Done. Not gonna play.

 

I can definitely appreciate that catfeeder. I think I used to be like that.

 

All the stuff I’ve been coming across since I asked to be official though makes me relieved he didn’t agree. Even if it wasn’t necessarily outright dealbreaker material, it’s a stark contrast from who I thought he was the first two months.

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Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately although he was nice and things were going well while he was in town, all along both of you knew it was temporary and casual. Why would this friend be investigating his dating profile? While he was in your area, you were dating exclusively but after he left everything was quite nebulous as to what you want and what he's doing.

 

He probably is looking forward to seeing you. Nothing insincere about that. However the entire time is was unclear if it was going to continue beyond casual dating whether in your town or his new location.

 

It sees like a miscommunication and a misinterpretation of the situation. Even though it was very clear he would be leaving and it was casual, it seems you were hoping a casual dating situation would turn into a more serious but LDR, but he never indicated that or led you on.

 

See him again if you want to but if long distance casual dating is not satisfying or working for you perhaps it's time to end things. It can be done on the phone since it's long distance, short term and casual.

 

My friend just texted me a pic of his profile on a dating site though that I know for a fact was hidden (aka couldn’t see in the rotation anymore and no distance showed up under his profile). It is very much NOT hidden now.. I still have access to his profile without swiping and I checked and it is in fact “live”.

 

—-> just got a text that said something to effect of “just got done for the day I’m looking forward to seeing you :*”

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Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately although he was nice and things were going well while he was in town, all along both of you knew it was temporary and casual. Why would this friend be investigating his dating profile? While he was in your area, you were dating exclusively but after he left everything was quite nebulous as to what you want and what he's doing.

 

He probably is looking forward to seeing you. Nothing insincere about that. However the entire time is was unclear if it was going to continue beyond casual dating whether in your town or his new location.

 

It sees like a miscommunication and a misinterpretation of the situation. Even though it was very clear he would be leaving and it was casual, it seems you were hoping a casual dating situation would turn into a more serious but LDR, but he never indicated that or led you on.

 

See him again if you want to but if long distance casual dating is not satisfying or working for you perhaps it's time to end things. It can be done on the phone since it's long distance, short term and casual.

 

Thanks wiseman, I appreciate your input, but I also would like to clarify that that wasn’t the agreement. We had defined terms, it wasn’t a casual thing in the sense that we were allowed to explore other options. Casual in the sense that we weren’t “super serious marriage driven”? Sure.

 

Our terms this entire time were that we weren’t on the apps and we weren’t looking to meet anyone. And when we spoke to weeks ago we agreed to continue on in the distance as we had been.

 

I’m not sure how there could be a miscommunication about that. Or how one would expect someone to be exclusively dating for three months and then open up the app without saying anything. Nothing about dating others while together was ever on the table or up for discussion.

 

I don’t think my friend was patrolling, she was swiping and was like “heyyyyy did you guys break up or whatever because he just came up”.

 

I’m sorry if I come off curt, I’m just frustrated that this situation could potentially be seen in that light-as something flippant and casual and kind of whatever. If others can interpret it like that I’m sure he can, but I think he knows deep down that it’s not cool.

 

Plus the comment he made about asking me to tell him if I wanted to go off with someone else (and his joking judgey side eye if I said an actor was handsome) led me to believe he would NOT be okay with me out and about with others.

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Exclusive dating (no sex with/actively dating others) does not make it serious or long term. Running around defining semantics is not the point. The point is he left town, he's back on dating apps and you need to decide what you want.

 

For me, a long distance nonexclusive nebulous whatever you want to call it would be a huge waste of time. On all fronts. Long distance is a huge headache. A situation that is largely looking at a screen is useless unless that situation is very temporary. Nonexclusive is a deal-breaker. No desire to run around getting STD tests and playing musical beds.

 

So it's unclear why you would even want to bother with this whole thing, but you seem to want to keep defining and redefining and hanging on.

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Exclusive dating (no sex with/actively dating others) does not make it serious or long term. Running around defining semantics is not the point. The point is he left town, he's back on dating apps and you need to decide what you want.

 

For me, a long distance nonexclusive nebulous whatever you want to call it would be a huge waste of time. On all fronts. Long distance is a huge headache. A situation that is largely looking at a screen is useless unless that situation is very temporary. Nonexclusive is a deal-breaker. No desire to run around getting STD tests and playing musical beds.

 

So it's unclear why you would even want to bother with this whole thing, but you seem to want to keep defining and redefining and hanging on.

 

That’s fair, thank you for clarifying.

 

I think you’re in the logical headspace, big picture, figure out how you’re going to handle the facts at hand.

 

Unfortunately I’m still in the unproductive headspace of “how is this happening?/ What went wrong?”

 

Your headspace is where I want to be though so I just hope I get there soon.

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That’s fair, thank you for clarifying.

 

I think you’re in the logical headspace, big picture, figure out how you’re going to handle the facts at hand.

 

Unfortunately I’m still in the unproductive headspace of “how is this happening?/ What went wrong?”

 

Your headspace is where I want to be though so I just hope I get there soon.

 

Yes it will take a second to make sense of everything and see through the fog of hurt and anger. Allow yourself time.

 

It’s hard to be objective when feelings are involved and honestly from what I’ve seen you haven’t been objective at all with him thus far, nows the time to start.

 

You keep pushing this agreement. We had an agreement, we had an agreement. I hear you, I do and I’m the last person to judge anyone situations, label how you want. define it how you choose, it’s your life,

live it. BUT again objectively he clearly did not put as much emphasis on the agreement as you did. That where this whole thing falls apart. He isn’t and hasn’t been on the same page as you are.

 

I’m going to assume you two are sexually active again.

 

If nothing else while you go through your process I’d stop.

 

It’ll help you see past your emotions a bit more and you need to take your sexual health into account here.

 

I think I said it in your other thread a man who travels and has a girlfriend at every port, it’s a stereotype for a reason. It happens men and women do this. That’s why most are weary of dating people ‘in town for a few weeks let’s see what happens’ types. When I did do online dating, I couldn’t run far enough away from those types, not because I thought they were bad people but the opportunity to build something wasn’t that there and the risk of getting hurt was high because they weren’t local. You keep putting the responsibility to tell you what’s up on him but the facts are all there for you to decide for yourself:

 

Travels a lot.

Won’t commit.

Keep catching him on dating sites.

Takes you one dates and you have a great time.

Invites you on fun weekends away.

Genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

You’re anxious all the time.

You’re ‘mommying him’ by constantly checking to ensure he’s following the rules of your non defined long distance situation.

He’s sweet and caring.

You don’t trust him.

 

Once the fog clears, look at the raw facts. There’s good and there’s bad here but as you’ve been told ad nauseam you’re either ok with all this or you aren’t.

 

ETA: Look to be fair you also need to pull up your big girl panties and decide why youre dating yourself. ‘I’m not sure But I’ll know when I see’ is a guaranteed way to get your heart broken. Dating with boundaries and intentions isn’t only smart but it keeps you emotionally safe. Even if your dating goal is to just go out and eat and hang and enjoy each others company know your desires when you go looking, otherwise you’re a sitting duck for men who will say what a woman wants to hear to get in her pants. Not saying that’s what this guys doing but you know what not saying it isn’t either...

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