"I'd rather die than be single"

[boltnrun]

WHO is teaching this to young people? Particularly young girls?

 

It's disturbing how many posts I see where a young woman is being lied to, cheated on, being abused or being treated horribly in some other way by her boyfriend, yet she says she won't break up because "then I'd be single, and I'd rather die than be single".

 

I can't fathom basing my worth on whether or not some man chooses to spend time with me. I know I'm a pretty neat person. I've been told I am. I have a great job, a wonderful family, terrific adult children, friends, I live somewhere pretty nice, I'm smart, funny, fun to be around, I have interests...so there's not a man on the planet who can do anything to convince me that I'm not worthy of being alive.

 

Then again, I'm "of a certain age" and I have some perspective.

 

I'd really like to know who is teaching these young people that being single is the worst possible thing that can happen, and that they're not worth a darn unless they have someone they can call "boyfriend". I sure as heck will NOT teach my young nieces that, and I made sure to let my daughter know she can CHOOSE to have a boyfriend, or choose not to...entirely up to her. She's pretty terrific, she does date but is so busy doing fun stuff and working and getting educated that she doesn't feel down if she doesn't happen to have a date some night. And my son is the same...college degree, good job, great friends and lots of activities. He hasn't had a girlfriend since high school but he sure doesn't let it slow him down. Neither of them are hiding in their rooms or staying in bed under the covers all day because they don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

This has got to stop...we have to stop teaching our young people that whatever they accomplish is meaningless unless they have a boyfriend or girlfriend!

 

Thoughts or theories?

[Hermes]

Boltnrun.

 

Yes!

 

And I was just saying something like that on another thread.

 

I know what it is. It's the meaningless drivel on media, in soaps, magazines, that leads all too many to have these ideas. We must also remember that not everyone is intellectually (or even emotionally) sophisticated or discerning. If it's in a trashy magazine or on T.V. then it is definitely gospel! Likewise, and it is an unfortunate fact, there are young people who are the product of a dysfunctional background, and such terrible unhappiness can breed desperation.

 

There has to be counter-education of some kind, to combat the stupidity of the stuff on media.

[browneyedgirl36]

I don't have any theories -- at least not any good ones -- but I agree with you.

 

I am also of "a certain age," (mid-40's), and while I am currently dating someone (after thinking and accepting that I might never do so again after my last relationship ended), I am STUNNED at the amount of people of ALL ages that I've met who think it's better to be in ANY relationship than be single.

 

I actually almost posted the other day on this board about this very thing, because I see this on ENA all the time -- people who would rather be with someone who treats them poorly, or who date loser after loser, or who overlook MAJOR red flags -- just to not be "alone." It always makes me cringe a little.

 

I have a family member who is not at all young -- is, in fact, pushing 70 -- who recently reconciled with her third husband, from whom she has been divorced (and rightfully so) for several years. He's an icky person, for lack of a better word, and was a truly awful husband, by her own admission, but she took him back and is basically setting herself up for the same crap again because, at his age, there is NO way he changed that drastically. She's just settling so that she doesn't die "alone" (never mind that she has a number of friends AND three sisters, as well as other family members who care about her). She has no children (though she had wanted them but her first husband duped her, telling her he wanted kids when he really didn't, and she was married to him until she was too old to have kids), and I often wonder if she'd had kids if she would still feel the same way.

 

Anyway....I think it's not just young people; I think people of ALL ages nowadays seem stuck on the idea that not having a relationship makes life meaningless and lonely. It makes me sad. I actually had a great life before I met the guy I am currently seeing, and I've decided that if things don't work out with him, and I never find anyone else, I'll be OK.

[pippy longstocking]

I also agree with you ...but , I think this covers all ages , not just teens .

[boltnrun]

You know what, you're both right about the age thing.

 

I remember many years ago when I was still married, my MIL was having problems with my FIL and contemplated divorcing him. I told my (divorced) mother about how unhappy my MIL was, and my mother said "well at least she has a husband". And I looked at her like, really??? YOU just said that??? My mother, who constantly reminded me that I should NEVER rely on any man and that I needed to always be able to take care of myself in the event my husband bailed on me and the kids??? Unbelievable...

 

It just makes me sad to see people staying in awful, degrading relationships just so they can say they have someone, or to avoid being "alone".

[Hermes]

One of the most lonely places one can be is in a bad marriage, and by that I mean not just an abusive one, but a "dead" marriage.

 

Fortunately, not everyone thinks along the lines that ANYTHING is better than being alone.

 

Vulnerable personalities will be more prone to this kind of thinking, and influence. It is know that loneliness is a by-product of depression. (and I don't have to lay out here the high statistics for depression in any country you care to name). The resilient mind can take setbacks and being alone in its stride. It is vital to practice resiliency. True, some are born with a tendency to a more resilient mind than others. Resilience allows to adapt to setbacks, not to be in constant panic mode, as in having the ability to regulate emotions, indeed, to see things are they really are.

[browneyedgirl36]

You know what, you're both right about the age thing.

 

I remember many years ago when I was still married, my MIL was having problems with my FIL and contemplated divorcing him. I told my (divorced) mother about how unhappy my MIL was, and my mother said "well at least she has a husband". And I looked at her like, really??? YOU just said that??? My mother, who constantly reminded me that I should NEVER rely on any man and that I needed to always be able to take care of myself in the event my husband bailed on me and the kids??? Unbelievable...

 

It just makes me sad to see people staying in awful, degrading relationships just so they can say they have someone, or to avoid being "alone".

 

Yep, I was just telling a friend today about this family member of mine, and we were both shaking our heads. The husband is truly awful -- a hoarder who lives in a filthy house, emotionally abusive, controlling (when they were married, he kept a log of who she called on the phone and how long she talked to them, among other things), told her she needed a sex therapist because she thought having sex THREE times a day, every day, was excessive. That, and he's just creepy, and gross, and...no one in my family can stand him. Makes me SAD. One of the reasons she cites for getting back with him is that all three of her sisters are married, but at least one of those three has a really crappy husband who was (and perhaps still is), looking for women online to cheat with! Ugh.

 

In the middle-age range, my mid-50's neighbor disclosed to me the other day (entirely unsolicited, by the way) that she is currently "seeing" a married man. Apparently, "his wife hasn't had sex with him in over 20 years" (!) which is, apparently, my neighbor's justification for engaging in a relationship with someone who really isn't available. She was lamenting the other day how, because he's married, he can't really *be* there for her (like when she has a crisis, as she did a few weeks ago). Ummm...really?! Well, of course he can't *BE* there for you, lady, because he's already *being* there for his WIFE and FAMILY. UGH! I didn't say much -- just something like, "Aww...that's rough," but I wanted to shake her and say "REALLY?!?! This is preferable to being alone?!" Apparently, for her, it is. She said, "It's just so nice to have a companion." But...ummmm...you DON'T, because he can only see you on the SLY when he's not with his WIFE and FAMILY. *sigh* I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

 

Many in the 20's crowd -- like my students -- are in the same boat. Both females AND males. Being coupled is a measure of self-worth, a measure of success, of contentment.

 

I get that a GOOD (purposeful emphasis there) relationship can really enhance a person's life -- I'm experiencing this firsthand right now, finally, after being single for a long time -- but a relationship that is entered into to fill a void, or out of desperation or fear of being alone, is not a good thing, in most cases. I wish there was a way to make people see that, but...they have to see it for themselves, perhaps by learning through years of hard experience. Some, I fear, will never learn it.

[Cheetarah]

I too don't think this is something seen in teens...In fact, I say I see it more in adults.

 

Even though we are trying to promote being okay with yourself, by yourself - I'm not sure how many people actually believe in it. Even when they're the ones saying it. I do think there is an idea that one is somehow incomplete if they are't paired off. Or that life doesn't really start until you find 'the one'. People work on themselves so they can finally 'be ready' for a relationship. As though there is no other good reason to work on oneself.

 

I really don't have any theories...Just that I agree with you as well, and that I do think these ideas still run rampant as much as we promote independence.

[browneyedgirl36]

I too don't think this is something seen in teens...In fact, I say I see it more in adults.

 

Even though we are trying to promote being okay with yourself, by yourself - I'm not sure how many people actually believe in it. Even when they're the ones saying it. I do think there is an idea that one is somehow incomplete if they are't paired off. Or that life doesn't really start until you find 'the one'. People work on themselves so they can finally 'be ready' for a relationship. As though there is no other good reason to work on oneself.

 

I really don't have any theories...Just that I agree with you as well, and that I do think these ideas still run rampant as much as we promote independence.

 

Yep -- I use to believe I wasn't "complete" without a relationship. I really felt there was something "wrong" with me for a long time. I finally let go of that idea and started living a really fulfilling life, and for the last four years have been really content. Then, a few months ago, I met someone, and it's really going well. We both agree that part of the reason it's working so well is that neither of us was feeling desperate or "afraid of dying alone" when we met; without that fear and desperation, we're both very good relationship candidates, I think. I know, though, that there's always a chance it won't work out, and while it will be sad for me if it doesn't, I know I will be OK, regardless of whether I ever get into a relationship again.

 

I think some people DO come to that point, eventually. Some, like my almost-70-year-old family member who is recycling her awful ex-husband -- never will.

[mhowe]

My boyfriend had known me to be single for six years previous to us dating. When asked what made him want to move the friendship to relationship, he said "you just really seem to enjoy your life and I want to be part of it".

[Hermes]

Also, instead of watching, reading and listening to trash (which is on a par with constantly eating trashy junk food which will affect your physical health) people would be well advised to try reading or listening to information on how to cultivate self-awareness, and resilience.

 

Self-awareness helps us get in touch with our l needs—knowing what we need, what we don’t need, and when it’s time to reach out for some extra help.

[greta96]

I completely agree, and add that it's not something new, or something that applies to the younger generations, I have heard this said by lots of women all my life, and I have friends in their 40's who *must* be in a relationship, and the things they put up with... let's just say I got tired of giving advice and trying to save them some grief.

Also, they cannot comprehend why I would choose to stay single for long periods of time. I made my fair share of stupid mistakes when I was younger, but once I became older, wiser and more independent, I thoroughly enjoyed my single life. I saw nothing but positives into being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without having to justify anything to anyone, but every time I tried telling my friends how content I was with life, they wouldn't believe me, and they would almost pity me for not having a boyfriend. One went as far as to say I was jealous of her relationship only because was trying to open her eyes to the fact that the guy she was dating was a cheater and a criminal. There was no point in telling people "I am happy with my life as it is", because they would just roll their eyes and think "yeah right!" lol.

 

I think in part we can blame the media, like someone said above, but I have a feeling it's more about a person's psychological makeup - the codependent, clingy, less self confident women will always be more attached to the idea of being in a relationship than those who are self sufficient, independent and love themselves enough to know that a relationship is meant to enhance their life, and not to give them a life.

[Hermes]

Yes, Greta! And in particular the second paragraph of your post.

 

The needy, frightened and panic-stricken you can be certain they didn't get that way all on their own. People forget that such persons may have endured unhealthy dynamics of a dysfunctional family.

 

If all you hear as a child is that you are worthless, ugly, not given voice, not allowed to even be a person, is it any wonder that as an adult that person will try to latch onto anything or anyone that even tosses a word his or her way.

[itsallgrand]

I've started to think it is about validation. A deep need for validation.

[boltnrun]

Well, my mother told me I was a selfish, spoiled little sh** who no one could stand when I was 16. She also told me she would never forgive me for something I did when I was 3 months old!

 

My "father" (I put it in quotes because he was a deadbeat) bailed on the family when I was 11. Up until that time I'd been Daddy's girl who he constantly told was "beautiful" and "perfect"...until he wanted out of the marriage and started focusing on dating 20 year old girls. Then suddenly he had zero time for me.

 

And yet...I am fine with being single. I enjoy being my "own boss" and doing what I want when I want. Do I love male companionship? Of course! But only if it enhances my life. I will not put up with BS just to keep a man. And I've taught my daughter and nieces that men are wonderful, but only if they contribute positively to their lives.

[itsallgrand]

^Yeah, I think it's very individual. A lot of variables go into it.

 

But my experience has me leaning towards it being something about a person being unable/unwilling to validate their own selves. For any number of reasons.

Being with someone else makes them feel like they matter, they exist....and without that, they feel lost and without a self, in a way.

 

Speaking not from myself, because I don't identify with it either, but from watching and knowing and even loving and having felt the kind of neglect that only someone who isn't able to validate themselves can uniquely do.

 

Maybe it has something to do with not being able to develop their own sense of self to a degree where they can cope with standing alone with it.

 

My mother is one of these people who can not be alone and she would/does literally take on the qualities of the men she is with. I've seen it a lot, and not only in her. When I think of it this way, it makes sense to me anyways. Without a man, she does feel like she literally 'dies', because she identifies a chunk of herself as him.

 

It used to really upset me, this quality in people. Now I'm just trying to understand it. And I do think a lot of it is they cant' be alone because they are scared to look at what they see as 'nothing' there when they are actually 'alone'. It's just their own personal demons about what it means to stand alone as 'me'. They can't validate it, so they conclude it is not enough.

[browneyedgirl36]

I've started to think it is about validation. A deep need for validation.

 

Me too. That's what it was for me, when I was younger -- some sort of "proof" of my worthiness. Now...eh. I know I'm worthy, lovable, etc. even if I'm not in a relationship.

[Tayla92]

I completely agree.. Except, when I was a teenager I was in and out of relationships from the ages of 14 - 20 (3 relationships).

 

It's so weird thinking back to those times because I always felt I needed someone beside me. I'm approaching 23 this year and have been single since turning 20, that's when I returned home from an overseas trip of 3 months and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me.

 

I'm so glad I didn't just jump into another relationship after that, because now I'm so happy and believe that I can be independent and have learned so much more about myself in the last couple of years.

 

I think it's really just a teenage phaze.. Or so I believe it was for me, but I've grown out of that now and just going with the flow. I've been on quite a few dates, but I'm not really looking for anything serious anymore unless I feel he's right for me where as thinking back now - all my boyfriends were not. :S

[saluk]

I think that it takes a certain kind of skill to appreciate being alone, just as it takes a certain kind of skill to appreciate being in a relationship. Some only have the skill for one of those, and some have neither skill and those are the ones that I really pity. From wiring, to childhood, to certain events in ones life, all of these things play a part.

 

I think pointing to the media is a bit of a scapegoat. As much as it can be an influence, how did it get that way in the first place? The media sells what people want. It's as much a reflection of how a lot of people feel as it is an influencing force. The cultural concept of pairing up goes back very very far, and the biological components (at least that there is a biological component) is pretty easy to acknowledge as well. While the number of partners in a "pairing", and the length that "pairing" should exist is fluid, the idea that "pairing" is what we are born to do is basically universal.

 

I think that unless they are forced into being single (either difficulty in dating or bad relationship experience giving you pause) these people just are not able to appreciate the good qualities of singledom. Because you have to work at it a bit to get at the reward, and it's a lot easier to just jump into another bad relationship than stick it out.

 

Actually... maybe it really is the microwave aspect of our society, more than the actual content of the media. Waiting for anything... people don't know how to do it, because with so many things now there is no reason to be patient.

[Hermes]

A good moment to go back to the original title of the thread" I'd rather DIE than be single". Note that word DIE as in DEATH.

 

It is not a question of either / or.

 

There is something seriously wrong with a person who cannot be alone with his or her own company. If you have to have another person, any person (as in a spouse or partner) as a crutch, to make you "whole", then you need help and right quickly.

[petite]

I believe people that would rather die than be single have other issues they need to work through, and often it isn’t about the relationship part at all. What are our individual needs? Everyone has different needs, but unless we have our core needs met we can't move forward, and may become developmentally stuck. I truly believe that people need people. It’s great that some people would be fine living a solitary life and enjoy their own company, but not everyone wants to live like that.

I’m not condoning thoughts/opinions that death is better than being single, make no mistake I think that type of thinking is absolutely horrifying and in my opinion a cry for help. However, I also do not believe there is anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. There is a lot of good that can be experienced with a partner. And, frankly not everyone wants to spend their life alone. I don't think there is a right/wrong, or that unless someone can't enjoy their own company they need help. I enjoy my own company just fine, but life as a single person (forever) never appealed to me. I wanted to share my life with someone I love (I'm talking about marriage). I wanted to love in a different than way than I love my parents, siblings or friends. I wanted to experience that passion, the special connection, and I knew I wanted a marriage and children. Could I have been fine single? Sure, I'm confident enough to be fine alone, enjoy my own company just fine and have always been social with good social life. However, I wouldn't have been 100% happy, because then I would not have my husband or my daughter, the apple of my eye and the one person I'd give my life for in a second. Would I choose singledom over a bad marriage? Absolutely. Would I choose death over singledom? Absolutely NOT. Then again, as I said it's a cry for help. Whenever people start saying 'I'd rather DIE', in my opinion there are far deeper issues there than just what is on the surface. However, I also don't think it's fine to berate or try and make people that do feel this way badly, because clearly they already do feel bad enough to say things like they prefer death. Usually it's said because what they are experiencing is just too painful and not dealing with life would be 'easier'. We know it isn't so, but when someone is in that state of mind, it's difficult to get through to them as they aren't rational.

[Hermes]

Indeed, Petite. And I think everyone would agree. If someone likes the single life that is good. And nothing wrong with wishing to get married and be in a relationship, ALWAYS provided the reasons are healthy ones, as otherwise what happens is misery for TWO people.

 

I don't think anyone mentioned spending a whole life alone, forever.

 

You are quite right. It isn't about the relationship part. It is about extreme neediness, and pain, rooted without doubt in the past of that person, in their childhood.

Their utter terror of being alone, of having to actually dig inside and think about why they are terrified. And that is no good basis for diving into a relationship as a kind of plaster on the wound, all the time trying to make the unfortunate spouse or partner the therapist, and wanting them to "fix" you.

 

I think relationships are great, healthy relationships. I also think being alone is great, if one wishes to be alone. I've been to both places.

[lilygirl]

Vulnerable personalities will be more prone to this kind of thinking, and influence. It is know that loneliness is a by-product of depression. (and I don't have to lay out here the high statistics for depression in any country you care to name). The resilient mind can take setbacks and being alone in its stride. It is vital to practice resiliency. True, some are born with a tendency to a more resilient mind than others. Resilience allows to adapt to setbacks, not to be in constant panic mode, as in having the ability to regulate emotions, indeed, to see things are they really are.

 

I consider myself one of these vulnerable personalities that Hermes mentioned, I am not very resilient so I do have a tendency to dwell a bit longer than I should. However, I have spent a ton of time alone, always have, more than most of the people around me. Single all through my 20's, coupled in my 30's and into my early 40's and now single for the last couple of years. At times it is extremely difficult and at other times it is just fine as my company is quite delightful. I was in a long unhappy relationship and I was too insecure to leave for far too long. When I feel lonely now, I am reminded about how much lonelier it is to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one, way lonelier than anything I have experienced being on my own.

 

Problem is, many people are never single so they never get the chance to realize it certainly isn't the worst thing ever. I know lots of people who have never gone to a movie alone, or out for a meal, so for those that find those things difficult or depressing no wonder they can't imagine being single.

[shellyf62]

My mother was married 5 times to 5 different losers, all because she couldn't stand being on her own. The last guy she "dated" was schizophrenic and had so many issues I warned her about, but she never listened.

Her dependence on men taught me many life lessons.

When I divorced I vowed that I would never put my children through what I went through. I have been single for 17 years now.

I have dated 3 men, they didn't last more than 6 months each. I preferred being alone & happy than putting up with their crap.

I have a good life too, a good job, amazing adult kids, a grandson, I volunteer with disabled teens, walk my dog, potter around my garden....so only want a man that enhances that.

One day it might happen, and if not, that's ok too.

[Capricorn3]

It's disturbing how many posts I see where a young woman is being lied to, cheated on, being abused or being treated horribly in some other way by her boyfriend, yet she says she won't break up because "then I'd be single, and I'd rather die than be single".

 

I can't fathom basing my worth on whether or not some man chooses to spend time with me.

I agree, it really is extremely disturbing, although I find this is not just "a young girl thing". Over the years we find more and more posts like this on ENA which pretty much goes accross the board - all ages and both sexes. It's really scary to think people would prefer to put up with abuse, rather than break it off for fear of being alone. I can't get my head around that. It's so hard to understand (for me). I'm complete opposite - I would prefer to be single and live alone the rest of my life, rather than live in a miserable and unhappy relationship.

 

I have no answers, other than education. Have no idea.