Starting long distance

[Nupurkaur]

So I met this guy on a dating app and we really hit it off in the beginning. It’s only been 3 weeks since we’ve been talking. In the beginning he was very attentive, put in a lot of effort to communicate. He is a business man so he is usually very busy plus his time is 3 hours behind mine.

He doesn’t put in a lot of effort to talk to me through your the day- which is fine if he is working. But most days, he’ll get home and still not prioritize communicating with me. It will always be me initiating calls. So I mentioned to him that he needs to put in more effort than he is at the moment. But his excuse is always that he is used to only caring about work so caring about communicating with me is a change for him that he is still trying to get used to.

He is on a work trip in a different state right now and he’s been working pretty much all day- according to him. Last night and tonight, he went out but still didn’t prioritize giving me a call to catch up.

 

I feel like I’m putting in more effort than this deserves because I’m not sure if he is giving his 100%. I also don’t know if I’m overthinking this because it is only the beginning of something, we have yet to meet for the first time. I’m not sure if I should drop him and move on or continue to put in the effort that I am. I just don’t want to end up hurt, feeling like someone used me to pass time. What should I do??

[boltnrun]

How much time have you spent together in person?

[Nupurkaur]

We haven’t met in person yet!

[Nupurkaur]

If I should change something, what should it be?

[bluecastle]

What are you hoping for with this? Or, to put it more frankly, what are you "using" him for aside from passing time?

 

You've never met him, hardly know him, and if you don't live in the same place it doesn't sound like you'll be meeting soon. So are you looking for a kind of long distance texting and talking relationship?

[Nupurkaur]

In the beginning, when we started talking. He said he wanted to visit soon- about a month in. He hasn’t mentioned anything about visiting recently. He is also supposed to move nearby for his business in about 2 months. So I was hoping this would turn into a real relationship because distance wouldn’t be a problem for long. Communication is my only problem and I don’t know how to deal with it. If he’s out with friends, how is it hard to text? It just makes me think he’s not as interested as he makes it seem with his words.

[bluecastle]

I understand all those hopes, but honestly? I think hanging them on someone you don't know, have never met, and who doesn't live in the same area as you is just a recipe for disappointment.

 

I mean, you don't know this guy and already you're having "talks" about "putting in effort?" That's the stuff for a year or two into a relationship, not three weeks of texting, and even then it's often the beginning of the end of a relationship. To be having them at this point sounds like a signal that maybe your time would be better spent elsewhere—like meeting and engaging with people who are actually available, emotionally and geographically.

[SGH]

I agree 100% with bluecastle.

 

This guy is still a stranger. As someone who has been on a fair amount of online dates, you cannot get to know someone without spending time with them in person. You're worrying yourself over a fantasy of this man you created in your mind. Further, he is actively communicating to you that he is not invested in building a real relationship with you. Please let this one go.

[Nupurkaur]

I guess you two are right. I need to drop him because he’s clearly not worth my time or energy. Thank you!!

[MissCanuck]

Your expectations are not realistic, OP.

 

You have never met the man, yet you're approaching this as if you are already dating. Of course he isn't prioritizing talking to you - he doesn't know you. You are someone who caught his attention that he might see sometime soon, but that's it. He is wise not to get caught up in some online pseudo-relationship; it creates a false sense of intimacy, such as is happening with you right now. Here you are already telling him he needs to make more effort?! Girl. Slow down and check your expectations. This stranger owes you nothing at this point. Saying he's not worth your time smacks of entitlement - you need to dial down your demands, here. You're vastly overestimating your importance in his life.

 

Unfortunately, he probably senses you're too attached already and attempting to tell him what to do. I would take a hard pass if a man I had never met came at me like that. I would take a big step back, stop contacting him, and try to get some healthy perspective. You're getting too ahead of yourself and are about to kill any chance of ever actually meeting him in person.

[DancingFool]

OP, dating doesn't even start until after you've met face to face and mutually decided that there is enough in person, real life attraction there to continue to dating, getting to know you process which may or may not turn into a full blown relationship down the road.

 

You've literally jumped over the entire process and went straight to treating this like you are already in a long term relationship. You shouldn't be calling him constantly and if you two can't meet within reasonable time, then you need to stop this and focus on others, preferably guys you can meet face to face. You've invested yourself in hopes and assumptions of how this could work. You are even demanding effort from a complete stranger as if you are his gf. You aren't. Not by a long shot. He has not reason to prioritize you. You are just some chic he is talking to from a dating site. Meaningless and as you can see, his promises to come meet you haven't panned out. How you handle this is come back down to earth, go on local dates, stop trying to chase this guy down. Let him reach out to you if he will and let him fade out if he doesn't. If he happens to ever be in your area and asks to meet up, then you can decide if you are still interested...or you might not even be single by then. You do not go from 0 to relationship without actual face to face dating time and a lot of it. Yes, even with distance. People who make distance work are capable of traveling and seeing each other regularly. If you can't do that, it won't fly.

[Rose Mosse]

I guess you two are right. I need to drop him because he’s clearly not worth my time or energy. Thank you!!

 

Yes, please move on with your life. This is a waste of time and precious energy. Date locally and if the pickings are slim, simply do not date. Put yourself in a better position, move, work on your career, do whatever you need to do to propel your life forwards and date later at a better place and time in your life. This is not a boyfriend or a relationship situation. Leave him alone and never speak to him again.

[Gary Snyder]

Regular, local relationships are hard enough, but long distance is even harder. Consider dating locally.

[katrina1980]

Sweetie, moving forward, do yourself a big favor and whenever a man contacts you from a "dating" app who lives a good distance away, take a pass.

 

Seriously there is a reason men do this.

 

9 x out of 10, they're not doing it to actually "date," dating requires much more than txt chatting and this guy can't even manage that! It requires spending regular time in person, in the real world, not in this virtual fantasy world.

 

If he were wanting to actually date, he would be contacting local women, not a woman who lives 100s of miles away.