Can't seem to figure my girlfriend out

[Valken]

I apologize in advance for the amount of reading, but I believe it's needed to understand the situation.

 

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship about a year and a half now. Things were absolutely fantastic for the first year, but shortly after the one year mark of our relationships, things seemed to change with her. Since we both still live at home (I'm 21 and she is 20), we typically have sleepovers with one another. Originally we used to have them quite a bit, and she believed we should have less, which I understood as we don't really live together and it can make it awkward for our respective parents. However, reducing the amount of sleepovers quickly came down to no sleepovers throughout the week. Her reasoning was that she didn't sleep as well during the week, and just believed we 'd appreciate it more and be more excited if we waited till each weekend; once again I agreed and understood. However, no sleepovers during the week quickly became never spending any time together during the week after school.

 

I should let you all know that we both go to the same college and are in similar programs, however, she is a second year and I am a third year (my last year, and also currently in my last semester). Since we live fairly close (approximately a 10 minute drive away), we used to carpool quite a bit to help each other with gas. And naturally, I used to see her quite a bit at school whether it was hanging out a bit in the morning before class or spending a lunch time together. This also began to change with the elimination of sleepovers during the week. She joined a new gym as her friend went to that gym and she wanted somebody to go with - understandable. However, she decided she would go in the mornings which meant no more carpooling and I understood because she wanted to go to gym because she genuinely struggles with her weight and really wanted to do it for her. So to make up for the extreme lack of time we spent together throughout the week and now having mornings together gone, I tried spending time with her in the mornings before class.

 

This went on for a little while, but eventually also dissolved. So at this point, even though we went to the same, small college, we hardly ever seen each other or interacted whatsoever during the week. Texting seemed to come as a chore to her; I'd wait 2-4 hours for text message responses most of the time. so with the exception of weekends, we hardly interacted in any form throughout the week. I tried talking to her when I'd see her around school or at the cafeteria at lunch when she was with her class. She is nothing but distant, and just plain awkward for me to even be there - it's like I'm an annoyance or something. This distant personality carried over when we hung out; despite never being on her phone when away from me (apparently), she was always on it when I was with her. Not to mention sex has all but disappeared to the point we might have sex every 3 or 4 weeks when we used to have it quite regularly.

 

So what did I do? I brought my issues up - I was working hard to try and spend time with her and she seemed to be doing the opposite of giving effort. She blamed it on school stressing her out, saying nothing was wrong and I had nothing to worry about. She continued to say the stress was really getting to her and all that stuff. However, around everybody else she seemed to act normal - I seemed to be the exception.

 

Now I have some examples of some odd, or shady stuff that has happened. One night she went out with a few girls from her class and her cousin (female) during the school week for a few drinks (she had class late the following day). Everything seemed fine until the next day; she texted me asking for a ride home and I thought it was odd that she never drove, so I inquired. She said, her cousin (who had stayed at her house with her) has gotten them a ride to school with their friend (also a female) because their cars were covered in snow. The thing is, we hardly had any snow. So jokingly I made a remark about no snow and her mood over text instantly changed and she became very irritated. Any ways, I ended up giving her a ride home and I asked again why she didn't drive and I got a different answer than the first. This time, she said nothing about the snow and her cousin was planning on getting a ride with her female friend and asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come as well. Naturally, I wouldn't consider this suspicious, but the odd excuse that wasn't the same and also the change in personality threw me off.

 

Next, another situation where she went out with drinks with friends on a weekend night. I once again didn't mind and I asked if she wanted a ride home. She didn't need a ride because she was staying at her cousins house (another, different female cousin) where they had initially all gathered before going out to the bars/clubs. She texted me when she was in the cab on the way down town, and after that I never heard from her for several hours. She never texted back first or last and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up the next morning to a text from her approximately 3 hours apart from the last text I had gotten from her saying she fell asleep and apologized. Me being curious, I asked how she fell asleep if she was out at the bars. She said they had went out to the bars, and immediately went back to her female cousins house because they were simply to packed. Then she said she had fallen asleep on the couch. Now, I don't mind my girlfriend going out one bit, but all I ask is that she texts me when she gets home or wherever she's staying (friends or cousins house). I thought it was odd, that she had maybe been left the house a total of half an hour for the trip down to the bars and back (apparently) and then fell asleep and not bothered to tell me she went home. It was odd and definitely not like her.

 

What I also find interesting is that she always said she hated going out drinking, and just didn't like the scene and wouldn't go without me. Funny thing is, the only time she goes is without me. Religiously every time I go away for a weekend of training (I'm in the military), she will ALWAYS go out. When we first started going out, I was always included when she went out and now I don't get included in any group activities.

 

So what's going on? Should I be worried?

[derroax]

Hiya. I think you're right to bring up your concerns. I would feel worried in your situation. You should get her to commit to meet up after school and talk, as this behaviour is not normal and you deserve to know the truth.

[BrianH46]

I don't think she is cheating on you. However I think this relationship has run its course for her.

[Valken]

I do try to talk to her. I try to hang out, try to make time and just try my hardest to make it work and it just feels one sided. So lately I've been giving the same effort she gives in hopes of maybe opening her eyes a little bit, and it didn't help at all - she didn't even notice or inquire why. If anything, he distance just got worse.

 

Brian, why don't you think she is cheating?

 

I should mention however, that most of the time when we do spend time together, it's really great. Minus some times of her on her phone, we're pretty great together when we're actually with one another and remember why I wanted to be in a relationship with her over a year ago. But when we're apart, and during the week she's just so different and off. When she goes out, it's odd, shady excuse after another. Excuses for stuff I would normally never consider suspicious, but the odd excuses makes me suspicious.

 

I've asked if she is getting tired of me and if anything is wrong in our relationship several times. She says there is nothing to get tired of and nothing is to be worried about.

 

What also irritates me is that she will hardly ever go out of her way for me...just like her mother, considering her mother is incredibly selfish and vane. For example, this weekend I'm heading out on a training exercise and my flight gets back in at 12 Sunday night. I asked if she could pick me and her response was, "I'm going out with the girls Saturday night and I have work all day Sunday so I'll be tired." In essence, she ended up saying no; also, she only worked 12-8 on Sunday so its not like it's an early rise.

[BrianH46]

You seem keen and if she is cheating you would have noticed it but from what you are writing it just seems like she is looking but hasn't found anything yet. To me it feels like she is about to hit that stage in life where she is wanting to experience new things. Your situation just sounds so similar to my own involving one of my exes.

[Valken]

I believe your're right as well; she's looking but just hasn't found anything. I do like to consider myself as keen, after all, it is my job to read people, and interact with them. I pick up on stuff quite easily and I've been known to always find things out, one way or another. Despite how young I am, I've learned my lessons from some of the worst girl

Any ways, another incident that didn't make sense to me is as follows: She claimed she went for a drive with one of her female cousins. This occurred before any of the incidents listed in the OP. Said they went for tea and just drove around and chatted. Then my buddy hits me up with a text saying he seen my girlfriend at a local club. She didn't see him and he was 100% confident it was her. I inquired if she had went any where else besides a drive and for tea and she said no and persistently denied she had went to the club.

 

She's also added 4 or 5 random guys on facebook within the past 2 or 3 days. I asked about one of them and she claimed he was a friend of a mutual friend of ours who was in our college and that he had added her. She has added more since him...neither of them have any signs of having girlfriends or relationships of any kind. The same night she added that first guy, I noticed our relationship was no longer displayed on facebook and I asked her about it. I personally couldn't care about advertising our relationship on social media - it's foolish really, but given the recent circumstances, I had to bring it up. Funny enough, no more than a few seconds before she replied to my text, the relationship reappeared. Apparently she had no idea what I was talking about and said she had never changed it.

[BrianH46]

You seem very similar to me. So let me ask you this, you feel it right that she isn't in love anymore? When you are together, what you feel is the intimacy that you fostered together over the course of a year and a half but do you feel anything new still growing? Or is it stagnant or even dissipating?

 

I remember cuddling with my ex and feeling this deep sense of pain in my stomach because I knew I loved her so much but our relationship was soon ending.

[Valken]

I'm still in love wit her; I've told other girls that I loved them but never meant it unlike I do with her. I've had some pretty terrible relationships, the one before her had cheated on me several times and I never even knew about it until after we broke up and a mutual friend told me about it.

 

We always talk about growing; we talk about our shared ambitions of graduating, moving in together and having a nice house with lots of dogs and travelling all over the world as we absolutely love travelling. But part of me makes me think that's just her dream, whether or not it includes me although she says she never wants to do anything in life without me. I want all of that with her, I really do.

 

But right now I really do feel like we're hitting a wall. I try everything I can, like everything to spice our relationship up and make her happy as she almost always seems like something is wrong.

[BrianH46]

Yeah I know the feeling man I've been there it sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this but no matter how much you try it really does take two persons. No matter how strong and how much load you think you can carry for this relationship you can't drag/carry the other person.

[1a1a]

She's dialed back this relationship to nothing.

 

What do you want from a partner?

 

What do you need from a partner?

 

Is she willing to lift her game and meet your needs? It's not unreasonable to want a baseline amount of intimacy and priority in her life. Without that, you aren't really partners.