Heartbroken by unrequited love

[rsrich]

Long story short….

I dated a woman a couple of years ago for about three months. I broke up with her because I wasn’t "feeling it." But I never feel it for women I date…. typical emotionally unavailable guy. We actually were able to remain friends afterwards. Fast forward to about three months ago when I suddenly realized how incredible this woman is and I started to feel really strong feelings for her. I think I began to realize that if I didn’t open my heart to someone I would be alone forever. (I’m 56.) She was receptive but eventually decided she only wanted to remain friends. I was, and still am, devastated as I completely fell in love with her. There is, of course, more to the story, but those are the basics.

I have tried to go no contact but have been unable to and have seen her a few times (as friends) and have texted her a lot. But I am heartbroken so feel that I do need to go no contact. So I am faced with not only having to say goodbye to a woman I love but also to a friend. I don’t know whether I have any advice I’m looking for but if anyone has any words of wisdom, I would appreciate it. And, yes, I know.... if I hadn't broken up with her in the first place, we might still be together.

[dundermiflin]

I'm sad for you :( Don't beat yourself up, you followed your feelings. What good would it have been to keep seeing her when you weren't feeling it; you were doing the right thing to let her go then. And then you managed to be a friend to her, and then you gave it your best. What more can you do, it didn't work out. Just do what the rest of us do; take care of yourself and keep looking. Sorry :( At least be proud of yourself that you're not that emotionally unavailable!

[bluecastle]

Feeling for you, buddy.

 

I have a minor history myself of being slightly closed off to great women, then opening up (to her, within myself) once she's "gotten away." It's dizzying, and painful, I know.

 

But, hard as it is, really try to use this moment to embrace and cherish that feeling of openness, of availability. Celebrate that, and lean into it, even as you mourn this moment. That's what will allow you to be in a more ready spot when you've healed from this and meet someone else—which, I assure you, you will. But even without jumping to that, it's simply an important, genuine place to live in the day to day—heart open and vulnerable.

 

Best of luck out there.

[DanZee]

Well, you broke up with her and you lost your chance. A lot of older women don't want to put up with someone who doesn't know what they want or who won't invest themselves in the relationship. You know, right now, it just sounds like a case of buyer's remorse. Now you love her, only after you lost her. You can keep trying to be in her life and hope you can wear her down. But maybe you should be looking around for someone else and not be afraid to go all in on your next relationship.

[SweetGirl28]

This sounds nothing like love. It sounds like you're getting older and falling back on her because you don't want to be alone.

How does one fall in love while not in a relationship with that person?? There's not even any point to NC unless you have attachment issues . End the friendship for what?? You haven't been in a relationship with her for two years. And you had a short one prior. Hanging as friends isn't the same as a romantic relationship. How old is she, just out of curiosity? I don't get the reason behind treating this as a breakup two years after the fact.

[rsrich]

Thanks for all the replies. Sweetgirl... I understand what you are saying and may think the same myself if I were you. Maybe it isn't "real" love but it certainly feels like it. Maybe it's infatuation or something like it. Either way, I feel heartbroken, which is what matters to me.

[reinventmyself]

Work on letting go of the disappointment and embrace the lesson that was given to you.

 

It's pretty text book that an emotionally unavailable person wants what they can no longer have, but didnt want it when they had the opportunity.

 

I'll take the chance and say that even though you are feeling like you might have feelings for her doesn't mean you're reformed. It might just further confirm your unavailability. Unavailable people are typically attracted to unattainable people or relationships.

 

It's just the dance they do.