Want to end my 1.5 year relationship

[Warmer]

I have been in a relationship for over 1.5 years with a truly great man. Over the past 3 months I have started to lose my love for him and want a change. I met a wonderful guy who I clicked with and really REALLY like. I tried to end it 2 days ago to be with him but then I went back on it.... Now I cannot get this guy out of my head... I am very conflicted and have no clue what to do...

[MissCanuck]

You know what to do.

 

Break up and mean it. Stick to it.

[Warmer]

I know. My issue now is I told him I want to try to make it work. Almost to appease him. I told him it was a mistake but I cannot get this boy out of my head... I have never felt true happiness like he has given me, but at the same time my boyfriend moved to my university for me for over a year now.... I care so deeply for him but my heart is not where it needs to be and I am afraid if I end it, he will never recover since I have caused so much pain in the past week. Do I appease him and then say I cant do this 1 month from now?

[saluk]

It sounds like you are truly out. Your feelings may wear out on the new guy quickly, so I only caution against leaving simply because someone else made you weak in the knees. It's a little late, but would have been much better to not have told him about the other guy.

 

But if your boyfriend has never made you weak in the knees in that way, he's probably not right for you. The less you drag it out, the better for him it will be.

[Wiseman2]

It's best not to string anyone along nor assume their world will end without you. It sounds like you would prefer to use your bf as a safety net while you check out other guys so this has nothing to do with your noble martyrdom or grand altruism. It seems you believe you are staying out of some sort of pity or "kindness", but perhaps the new guy just wasn't that interested.

I told him I want to try to make it work. Almost to appease him. I cannot get this boy out of my head. my heart is not where it needs to be and I am afraid if I end it, he will never recover

[Annia]

You've never felt so much happiness with a guy that you've known for just 3 months while being committed to another man? You've never dated this new guy. Does he know you have a boyfriend?

 

But anyway end it with your boyfriend. You clearly want to break up and have checked out from the relationship long ago.

[Annia]

It's best not to string anyone along nor assume their world will end without you. It sounds like you would prefer to use your bf as a safety net while you check out other guys so this has nothing to do with your noble martyrdom or grand altruism. It seems you believe you are staying out of some sort of pity or "kindness", but perhaps the new guy just wasn't that interested.

 

This! Be real with your boyfriend but specially with yourself!

[DaisyMayPorter]

I know. My issue now is I told him I want to try to make it work. Almost to appease him. I told him it was a mistake but I cannot get this boy out of my head... I have never felt true happiness like he has given me, but at the same time my boyfriend moved to my university for me for over a year now.... I care so deeply for him but my heart is not where it needs to be and I am afraid if I end it, he will never recover since I have caused so much pain in the past week. Do I appease him and then say I cant do this 1 month from now?

 

Why won’t he “ever recover”? Why have you “caused so much pain” if you care for him so deeply? I’m sure he’ll be fine if you leave. But you really need to make one decision or another. Leave the poor guy alone if you’ve moved on from him.

[Keyman]

I have never felt true happiness like he has given me,

 

Don't enter a relationship looking for happiness. It will always fail and you will be left where you are with your current boyfriend...'I wasn't truly happy with him, this other guy makes me happy.' True happiness can only be found within, make yourself happy, never depend on someone else to.

 

The problem with relationships these days are our vaunted expectations set by movies, social media, dating apps etc. We always believe there is someone better out there and if there is an issue, instead of trying to resolve it, trying to make a good thing even better, we cast it aside. We then pretend we have found the magical 'one' where everything is perfect, only to have that sentiment fail and we cast them aside for the next 'one'.

 

You have two choices,

 

- start monkey branching towards that magical 'one' that will never happen, and spend your time with multiple different guys until eventually men stop being interested

 

or

 

- Take the great guy that you have and make a long term go of it. Make the best of what you can from this and grow it, resolve the issues and make it the best you can, a partner for life to share everything with.

[jimthzz]

If I were the BF you think needs you so desperately that you'll appease him, I'd be pretty annoyed to know that.

 

He'll get over you, trust me.

 

You, on the other hand, need some time to figure out how jumping to the next guy while still entangled with the current guy is not a good strategy for happiness. Plus, it uses people. Don't hedge your bets like that.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is otherwise known as shopping around, and doing a "test drive/try before you buy" type of scenario. With that being said, this has a strong potential to backfire, leaving you standing alone.

 

Either way, it appears your current relationship has already gone south, along with dealing your b/f an incredibly unfair hand. In short, I hope you can make the right choices...

[lostandhurt]

Funny how they always "fall out of love" when they find someone they think is better than what they have.

 

Do your future ex bf a huge favor and break up with him today so he can return the Christmas gifs he bought you. Make it clean and as less painful as possible on him and do not admit that you have been cheating on him, that will only hurt him more. Once done stay as far away from him as possible so he can heal and one day find someone he can trust.

 

You need to do some soul searching as well, emotional cheating is worse than physical to many people. Would you want done to you what you did to your bf?

 

Lost

[ninjabib]

Terrible behaviour, save your boyfriend from your selfish ways and let him find somoene who deserves him.

[abitbroken]

Of course you fell out of love - you are entertaining another man and are no longer investing in your relationship. You did that on purpose. If you don't want to date him, fine, but i have a feeling when new guy finds out you were in a relationship, he is not going to be so keen -- or even so,he might like women in relationships because they don't press him for commitment and he may very well bail. just be aware

[thisisrichey]

Ah.. you'r falling for the 85/15 rule (what i call it).

 

YOu are with somebody that provides you 85% of what you need for happiness. but not that last 15%. Most long-term relationships that have gone on a while always lose the 15%. the 15% is all the fun stuff you used to do when things were new. I call it "the fun 15%".

Then along comes this new person you meet and supplies the fun 15%. You think you are 100% happy (because you are) but mistakenly attribute it to the person giving you the new and exciting 15% and not realizing that 85% of your happiness is being taken care of "at home" with the not so exciting 85% your bf grinds through.

 

Tons of people leave their 85% for the exciting 15% thinking it is the answer.. only to realize when the 85% is gone... the 15% really isn't as much and solid as you thought... it's only 15%. What aobut all the not so glamorous fun stuff your 85% was doing for you?

 

it's easy being the 15% person. You show up once in a while and just do fun stuff once in a while. YOu don't have to go thru the daily not so fun grind stuff.

 

Don't fall for the 85/15 Rule. What's always the better solution is to keep your 85% and re-kindle the 15% together by "never forgetting to date your s/o". DATE your boyfriend again. Get into the habit of inspiring each other to keep "dating" each other even though your bf-gf. That's how you re-kindle the 15%, adding onto the 85% foundation you've already built.

 

That will always be far better and fulfilling than sweeping over to the 15% and see if you can build the rest of the 85% necessary all over again (where there is no guarantee).

 

Good luck.