Dating for 2 months, he's starting to withdraw. What do I do?

[hpinky]

My current guy has started to withdraw. We met through online dating and talked for almost a month (about 3 weeks) before meeting up. He was the one who asked for exclusiveness and for me to be his girlfriend so at this point we are exclusive. I told him one night that I felt things are different and feel that he's withdrawn some. He said that he has withdrawn because he's thinking about some things.

 

1. He feels that we moved too fast at the beginning and now he's logically thinking about things and he feels we need to slow down for the relationship to progress in a healthy manner. (Originally, I was the one telling him we were moving too fast!) He said that we talked to each other every single day for a month before meeting up and built such a deep connection that now when we do go on dates, we already know so much about each other that he doesn't know what to talk about so he wants to slow things down so that we can get to know each other better in person.

2. He stated we live far (1 hour away from each other) and on top of that we don't have a place to just relax and hang out. I live with family and he lives with family. He said that it will be difficult for us in the future and he knows that he will get burned out eventually later on down the road.

3. He said that I did certain things that reminded him of his ex and how she handled things. The way I addressed this issue with him is similar to his ex and he is afraid because that relationship did not work out and he doesn't want that to happen with us.

 

In response to this I asked him how he felt about me. I asked if he felt the same of if he doesn't. He said he still has strong feelings for me, he is just really in his head right now and is just trying to process everything. He said that he is not used to this as he has never experienced this before. He has never experienced caring for someone so much this early on. He has never wanted to talk to someone on the phone so much as he did with me at the beginning. He is afraid that if he doesn't call me all the time later on in the relationship that I would be upset because he has set the bar so high already. He informed me that he isn't saying he doesn't want to be with me or that he wants to end things. He said he is just processing things. He told me he thinks I am a great person and that he wants to be with me. He just wants to control the pace so that we can progress the right way.

 

I am trying to process what he is saying because I feel as though he is blocking the natural progression of our development. He texts me every day, if I wanted to call him, he will answer. But he does not initiate phone calls with me. His texts are just updates on his day, there doesn't seem to be a desire to want to continue to get to know me. He just texts to tell me what he is doing. He doesn't ask questions like, how is your day. This behavior is pushing me away. I want to give him space so he can process his thoughts, but he texts me so I don't know if I should just not respond to him. The conversations are just so bland to me that I don't even want to respond. I don't want to put more effort into things than he is putting in. If I were to just stop talking to him, I am worried that he will think I'm not interested and withdraw even further. I don't know the best course of action at this moment. When he was opened with me, I could connect with him. But now, he has closed up and I can't seem to progress in getting to know him.

[bigheartcold]

It seems like he really is not ready for a relationship right now... if his ex still comes up in conversation he is clearly still hung up on her. Also, he's not treating you very well, he seems to not care about you, to be honest. I've been in that situation countless times where I like a guy, he likes me then stops texting me first and I wonder what I did wrong. Every girl on the planet has. But the thing about men... they go AFTER what they want. If a guy really wants and likes you he'll make sure you know or he will reaaally act on it. It's just how the male specimen is, LOL. Unless he starts treating you like a priority, he's not worth all this stress over.

[SGH]

Based on the information given, it sounds like this guy has struggled to meet basic needs of his partners over the long haul. It's easy to call and be engaged in a relationship during the honeymoon phase, but eventually the excitement dies down and what's left is two people committing to making time for one another. In my opinion, his words and actions are a huge red flag that he holds baggage from the past and is not prepared to be in a serious relationship. You shouldn't have to second guess yourself or feel anxious all of the time. Consider letting this one go. You deserve to be with someone who will keep putting forth effort without treating the relationship like a chore.

[HeartGoesOn]

His choice of words, "just trying to process everything" is code for, it's not you- it's me, I need to find myself, etc. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but it appears he's already checked out.

 

You can do better...

[Hollyj]

.................

[MissCanuck]

I think he's done, OP. He hasn't come right out and said it yet, but he's framing his thoughts that way and his behaviour is now reflecting that.

 

He cited several reasons why he needed to "process" things: how fast you two moved, the distance, his ex. To me, this sounds like a guy who already knows he's lost interest but doesn't know which reason to give you to make it more palatable. When you need to take a step back after just a couple months to "process", well, it usually doesn't end happily.

 

How long ago did he and his ex break up?

 

EDIT: I just noticed you participated in a different thread, and yesterday you wrote this in response to another poster about getting back with an ex: "We're not back together. He literally gave me no space. He called me one day 32 times and sent me 54 text messages. I knew he was anxious but I couldn't process his emotions as I was dealing with my own. You really need to just focus on you, and let her do her. It's been about 3 to 4 weeks since our break up and I am still sorting out myself. I've even started talking to someone else to get my mind off things and it's made things worst."

 

You broke up with someone 3 or 4 week ago, yet you've been in a relationship for the past 2 months with the guy you talk about here? Can you clarify the inconsistency?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It seems like a case of too much too soon and over-saturation in an attempt to build an insta-relationship rather than pacing yourself dating, which is the get-to-know-you phase. Unfortunately it seems he was on the rebound or is simply trying to find some sort of "it's me, not you" variation on ending things.

 

He is trying to just let this fade without hurting you. Stop initiating and calls or texts. See what happens. Also he is not looking for a text or phone pal no one really is and that is not the "get to know you" process in person dating is.

1. He feels that we moved too fast at the beginning

2. He stated we live far (1 hour away from each other) and on top of that we don't have a place to just relax and hang out.

3. He said that I did certain things that reminded him of his ex

he does not initiate phone calls with me.

[Jellybean9]

So sorry to hear this.

 

I have been there all is going smoothly then bam!

 

It tends to happen at this sort of mark to be fair.

 

The only thing I've never had someone reference to me reminding them of their ex! This is a massive red flag. I don't feel like space will change that.

 

I do feel anyone who mentions an ex in that manner is hung up on them still. I'm really sorry that is appears that way with this guy. Could be wrong though.

 

It's hard to know what is moving too fast and what isn't.

 

I know sometimes when someone is moving fast and the other person references it. Can make that person take a step back and think "I am moving too fast and maybe this isn't right". Again you just will never know.

 

In terms of the texting... It does fizzle out after a while especially when you've been texting and calling so much before.

 

Think of when you meet an old friend and you litterally cab talk for hours and hours. Only reason that happens is because more than likely you don't text everyday!

 

Sane applies with relationships, hold back with texting boring day events then you have things to talk about that evening. This is just my opinion but I'm not heavily reliant on texts. So don't listen to me if that's your thing.

 

Best of luck with this.

[Sportster2005]

Too many issues for only two months in. Especially if you remind him of his ex. Put a fork in this one, it's done. Move on to better things.

[smackie9]

" He told me he thinks I am a great person and that he wants to be with me. He just wants to control the pace so that we can progress the right way".

 

This says "I'm giving you this lame excuse to keep you around so I can still keep my options open and date other women".

 

Look you barley know this guy...and for all we know he's blowing smoke up yer butt, to manipulate you. A lot of them are on those dating sites...they play the game quite well.

 

Like I always say if it doesn't feel right, then it's not.

[katrina1980]

Are you including the four weeks chatting prior to meeting in this two month period?

 

In any event, this seems to be the standard time when people (mostly men tbh) seem to become a bit ambivalent so pull back to reasses.

 

In short, reality has hit, he's actualy "seeing" you and the relationship for the first time, and he's re-assessing whether or not he wants to move forward, and yes it's very hurtful when a man does this.

 

Don't know what it is about 2-3 months but this happens sometimes.

 

Couples have survived this sort of transition period and gone on to have long term relationships, even marriage; my friend and her bf are experiencing this now, they almost broke up but are communicating and working it out.

 

I don't know if that's what is happening in your situation, but it's a possibility.

 

It also could be what others have said that he's using all this as a lame reason/excuse to end it.

 

I would suggest communicating more about it, openly and honestly. Tell him how this "change" in him is affecting you, try to not make assumptions.

 

Good luck!

[hpinky]

I think he's done, OP. He hasn't come right out and said it yet, but he's framing his thoughts that way and his behaviour is now reflecting that.

 

He cited several reasons why he needed to "process" things: how fast you two moved, the distance, his ex. To me, this sounds like a guy who already knows he's lost interest but doesn't know which reason to give you to make it more palatable. When you need to take a step back after just a couple months to "process", well, it usually doesn't end happily.

 

How long ago did he and his ex break up?

 

EDIT: I just noticed you participated in a different thread, and yesterday you wrote this in response to another poster about getting back with an ex: "We're not back together. He literally gave me no space. He called me one day 32 times and sent me 54 text messages. I knew he was anxious but I couldn't process his emotions as I was dealing with my own. You really need to just focus on you, and let her do her. It's been about 3 to 4 weeks since our break up and I am still sorting out myself. I've even started talking to someone else to get my mind off things and it's made things worst."

 

You broke up with someone 3 or 4 week ago, yet you've been in a relationship for the past 2 months with the guy you talk about here? Can you clarify the inconsistency?

 

Hi there, I’m including a talking period with the new person as we didn’t actually meet up until a month later. My ex and had been on a break and I completely broke it off about 3-4 weeks ago, after realizing that I’m showing interest in someone else. I know I’m not the perfect angel, however; I’ve been honest with my ex about this whole process and he knows I’m dating someone else. He’s eased up a lot on his texts and phone calls but checks in on me often. Going into he and I will be a very long story in itself.

[hpinky]

Are you including the four weeks chatting prior to meeting in this two month period?

 

In any event, this seems to be the standard time when people (mostly men tbh) seem to become a bit ambivalent so pull back to reasses.

 

In short, reality has hit, he's actualy "seeing" you and the relationship for the first time, and he's re-assessing whether or not he wants to move forward, and yes it's very hurtful when a man does this.

 

Don't know what it is about 2-3 months but this happens sometimes.

 

Couples have survived this sort of transition period and gone on to have long term relationships, even marriage; my friend and her bf are experiencing this now, they almost broke up but are communicating and working it out.

 

I don't know if that's what is happening in your situation, but it's a possibility.

 

It also could be what others have said that he's using all this as a lame reason/excuse to end it.

 

I would suggest communicating more about it, openly and honestly. Tell him how this "change" in him is affecting you, try to not make assumptions.

 

Good luck!

 

I am including the talking period in the 2 months, he texted me every day and then talked on the phone every night with me for the first month and we met and he asked for exclusiveness after 2 weeks of in person dating. When he expressed his feelings for me at that time, I told him he’s moving really fast. He and his ex ended January of this year.

 

I’ve realized that I’m way in my own head at the moment and have decided to relax a bit. It’s helped the process because I can tell he’s warming back up to me. I guess I sensed the withdraw and had a reaction without knowing and it pushed him away more. I dissected everything he said and every action he had and drove myself insane. I’m just going to relax and try to be myself, it seems to be working. Thank you for your advice.

[Wiseman2]

This makes sense. Why would this new guy bother to continue if you were still involved with your bf and just "on a break". That is no man's land for him. Sadly now you pushed away the new guy and further weakened things with your on/off bf.

My ex and had been on a break and I completely broke it off about 3-4 weeks ago. I’ve been honest with my ex about this whole process and he knows I’m dating someone else.

[purplepaisley]

I've been on both sides of this. Someone expresses too much too soon. It's always hotter in the beginning. Lot's of excitement and you don't want to lose that momentum when you're brand new, but eventually reality kicks in. This guy's issues are perfectly valid. At first the distance didn't seem too bad. At first it felt like there was truly something there (love at first site, even if no ILYs are said). At around 2-3 months, the honeymoon phases out, and people become more real. You find that certain personality issues come out (before everyone is on their best behavior) and you find that you can't be up until 2 a.m. texting or talking or driving 2 hours round trip. You realize mannerisms remind you too much of the ex (I actually had one whose mannerisms reminded me so much of my grandfather, I absolutely could not continue, ew.)

 

You knew things were moving rather fast, and you're also barely broken up with your most recent BF, so you're not in the best place either. Removing your exBF from the equation, the fact that you have mannerisms that remind the new guy so much of his ex is a little "red flaggy" for me - he's really not over her, or he has learned that this is something he will not embark on again (the way you manage things?), so that's throwing him off. In other words, I think he put the cart before the horse and got lost in this romance that seemed perfect until some time passed and the shiny exterior wore off a little...reality. The distance is perfectly valid. It seems doable at first...until you're the one driving home at 2 in the morning and throwing all your time into this travel, let alone the cost. I know a lot of folks on the board will say it's only an hour, not a big deal, but for me, it is a big deal...I won't do it.

 

In other words, he probably is pulling back and not interested. He's either offering you these words of platitude hoping you go away instead of just breaking it off, or he's truly trying to slow the pace...you don't know. You can stick around and just see what happens or move on, but if you choose to stick around, you need to lower your expectations and use this time to decide what YOU want.

 

You do need to relax for sure. You really shouldn't be expecting a whole new, perfect relationship while you're still entwined with your ex. You state you "officially" broke with him but he still "checks in" on occasion. You need to make a choice and stick with it. One or the other. Don't travel in the middle of the road.

[hpinky]

I've been on both sides of this. Someone expresses too much too soon. It's always hotter in the beginning. Lot's of excitement and you don't want to lose that momentum when you're brand new, but eventually reality kicks in. This guy's issues are perfectly valid. At first the distance didn't seem too bad. At first it felt like there was truly something there (love at first site, even if no ILYs are said). At around 2-3 months, the honeymoon phases out, and people become more real. You find that certain personality issues come out (before everyone is on their best behavior) and you find that you can't be up until 2 a.m. texting or talking or driving 2 hours round trip. You realize mannerisms remind you too much of the ex (I actually had one whose mannerisms reminded me so much of my grandfather, I absolutely could not continue, ew.)

 

You knew things were moving rather fast, and you're also barely broken up with your most recent BF, so you're not in the best place either. Removing your exBF from the equation, the fact that you have mannerisms that remind the new guy so much of his ex is a little "red flaggy" for me - he's really not over her, or he has learned that this is something he will not embark on again (the way you manage things?), so that's throwing him off. In other words, I think he put the cart before the horse and got lost in this romance that seemed perfect until some time passed and the shiny exterior wore off a little...reality. The distance is perfectly valid. It seems doable at first...until you're the one driving home at 2 in the morning and throwing all your time into this travel, let alone the cost. I know a lot of folks on the board will say it's only an hour, not a big deal, but for me, it is a big deal...I won't do it.

 

In other words, he probably is pulling back and not interested. He's either offering you these words of platitude hoping you go away instead of just breaking it off, or he's truly trying to slow the pace...you don't know. You can stick around and just see what happens or move on, but if you choose to stick around, you need to lower your expectations and use this time to decide what YOU want.

 

You do need to relax for sure. You really shouldn't be expecting a whole new, perfect relationship while you're still entwined with your ex. You state you "officially" broke with him but he still "checks in" on occasion. You need to make a choice and stick with it. One or the other. Don't travel in the middle of the road.

 

You’re right that I had certain expectations. I was enjoying the honey moon phase. I was enjoying this attention I was getting from someone new. And when he withdrew I went into shock a bit. I’m also one who has horrible anxiety as well and my mind went into many different directions. I was constantly looking for reassurance from him and I lost sight of who I was.

 

He and I had a date last night, I didn’t have any expectations. I just went to enjoy myself and was much more relaxed. He was responsive to that. He showed interest in things I had to say. He had moments where he just stared at me the whole night. He called me to make sure I make it home safe. I told myself that I’m not going to try and force any sort of feelings from anyone. It took some time and some hard self reflection but I feel a much lighter air. At least for myself, I feel like I will be ok if this goes down hill or if it progresses to something.

[katrina1980]

pinky, I am super glad you had a lovely date and reconnected!

 

My current bf never had/has these sort of "pull back" periods (i.e. caving) but my ex sure did, and that's because when he met me he wasn't looking for a relationship per se, he had just gotten out of one a few months prior to meeting me! So he really just wanted to date casually, but we both caught intense feelings very quickly so casual was out.

 

Anyway, every once in awhile he'd have these moments where he needed some space, 2-3 days tops, where we either didn't communicate or communicated less.

 

Yes it threw me off at first, but I did well to hide my anxiety and sure enough in a few days he returned back to his old self.

 

In time, these pull back periods lessened and lessened until they totally stopped, we were together six years.

 

You should read John Gray Mars/Venus series of books, he talks all about this. His books and tapes have helped me a lot!

[Batya33]

I am including the talking period in the 2 months, he texted me every day and then talked on the phone every night with me for the first month and we met and he asked for exclusiveness after 2 weeks of in person dating. When he expressed his feelings for me at that time, I told him he’s moving really fast. He and his ex ended January of this year.

 

I’ve realized that I’m way in my own head at the moment and have decided to relax a bit. It’s helped the process because I can tell he’s warming back up to me. I guess I sensed the withdraw and had a reaction without knowing and it pushed him away more. I dissected everything he said and every action he had and drove myself insane. I’m just going to relax and try to be myself, it seems to be working. Thank you for your advice.

 

You've dated him for a month and he's already pulling back? (No I don't count "talking" -that's not dating -that's texting and chatting with another person you might date in the future)- if after meeting one month ago he already needs space and is giving you all this psychospeak/psychobabble I'd cut my losses now and move on. I'm sorry you're disappointed and I think it's best to meet much much sooner, text much less and then see the person once or twice a week for the first month at most.

[thisisrichey]

I don't know about him - but it sounds like you were on rebound and this became your most logical "option" to replace the void.. thus why you jmped at it.

As far as him, he sounds like a drama boy - just like all other people who come on REAL HOT, get attached REAL QUICK, then cool off just as fast. (he doesn't know what to talk about with you anymore? after only 2 months? - that means it's not about you but something else). Perhaps he just got out of a relatoinship too and is on rebound and this is a double-rebound relationship.

 

anyway.. you are getting lucky on this one. This is a bad apple. let him go. walk away. then take some time off to get over your recent relatinoships and OUT of the "rebound zone" before dating again. yo'l lmake much better decisions based on actual likes/compatibility rather than "need somebody to be there" type decisions.

 

take the exit door he just opened fast. he's not good for you.

[hpinky]

pinky, I am super glad you had a lovely date and reconnected!

 

My current bf never had/has these sort of "pull back" periods (i.e. caving) but my ex sure did, and that's because when he met me he wasn't looking for a relationship per se, he had just gotten out of one a few months prior to meeting me! So he really just wanted to date casually, but we both caught intense feelings very quickly so casual was out.

 

Anyway, every once in awhile he'd have these moments where he needed some space, 2-3 days tops, where we either didn't communicate or communicated less.

 

Yes it threw me off at first, but I did well to hide my anxiety and sure enough in a few days he returned back to his old self.

 

In time, these pull back periods lessened and lessened until they totally stopped, we were together six years.

 

You should read John Gray Mars/Venus series of books, he talks all about this. His books and tapes have helped me a lot!

 

Hi Katrina,

 

I read some of those books. The whole men pulls away and snaps back like rubber bands. I am taking some time to acknowledge my feelings and process. I've never really done that. In the past I just feel and run away from my feelings by distracting myself with someone else. I see myself repeating this pattern and am working on making sure I resolve my own issues. I think it's due time that I focus on me now. My emotions definitely go up and down. I was in a great place yesterday and had an amazing date. He got us both food and brought it to my work place when he came to pick me up (I didn't even ask for it). He remembered what I liked to eat and got exactly what I had ordered before. He stayed out with me in the cold to watch the meteor shower, to where he started getting a cough. During the date he made comments indicating future activities with me. I had locked myself out of the gate at my work and we had to sit and wait for someone to leave for the gate to open. I apologized to him and he'd tell me jokingly that next time he's going to give me a hard time for this. Afterwards, he called me to make sure I got home safely after our date. This morning he texted me and gave me information on his trip coming up and updated me on conversations we had the evening before. Every time I responded to him, he'd respond back to me pretty quickly. But for me, I am just unable to let go of my expectations or wants, I think I am the bad person in this whole process as I reflect back. I am looking for that honeymoon phase attention and now that it's phasing out I am in withdrawal. I just felt a dip and am in an uncertain state again and am withdrawing from him. I haven't responded to his last text for hours now, and quite frankly don't know what I'd want to say. I have reached a conclusion that this whole thing is me. That I am just unhappy and am looking to him to fill this void and insecurity I feel within myself. I have expectations that I am wanting him to fulfill and when he doesn't meet those expectations I internally validate my inner critique. I am seeking professional help to work on myself currently, hopefully I can learn to let go of this external dependency.

 

I thank you everyone who has given me their insight on this thread. It helps a lot and has made me really evaluate things.

[katrina1980]

Well you know John Gray talks about that too, what you're feeling/experiencing emotionally is not all that uncommon.

 

The first month was HOT, and you built expectations based on that. Then reality hit and he realized that type of pace and degree of hotness is not sustainable long term, which to me is reasonable and actually smart; he discusses this with you and your reaction is to feel hurt and begin to question everything including his feelings.

 

Well just like John Gray writes, he sprung back and it appears you had a lovely date, he was very attentive and things begin to get back on track perhaps at a lower speed and less hot but still wonderful, he's making future plans with you, etc., I dunno to me it all sounds very positive!

 

And frankly more real than what you were experiencing during the first month, which again is just not sustainable long term.

 

So what do you do in response to all this? You now become uncertain and want to withdraw!

 

I am glad you are introspecting and seeking professional help. You sound quite self-aware, so I have faith that you will eventually work all this out (within yourself). Whether it ultimately works out with this man, only time will tell.

 

But my advice would be to try and remain positive and flexible to these changing nuances, and you should be fine!

[Batya33]

Hi Katrina,

 

I read some of those books. The whole men pulls away and snaps back like rubber bands. I am taking some time to acknowledge my feelings and process. I've never really done that. In the past I just feel and run away from my feelings by distracting myself with someone else. I see myself repeating this pattern and am working on making sure I resolve my own issues. I think it's due time that I focus on me now. My emotions definitely go up and down. I was in a great place yesterday and had an amazing date. He got us both food and brought it to my work place when he came to pick me up (I didn't even ask for it). He remembered what I liked to eat and got exactly what I had ordered before. He stayed out with me in the cold to watch the meteor shower, to where he started getting a cough. During the date he made comments indicating future activities with me. I had locked myself out of the gate at my work and we had to sit and wait for someone to leave for the gate to open. I apologized to him and he'd tell me jokingly that next time he's going to give me a hard time for this. Afterwards, he called me to make sure I got home safely after our date. This morning he texted me and gave me information on his trip coming up and updated me on conversations we had the evening before. Every time I responded to him, he'd respond back to me pretty quickly. But for me, I am just unable to let go of my expectations or wants, I think I am the bad person in this whole process as I reflect back. I am looking for that honeymoon phase attention and now that it's phasing out I am in withdrawal. I just felt a dip and am in an uncertain state again and am withdrawing from him. I haven't responded to his last text for hours now, and quite frankly don't know what I'd want to say. I have reached a conclusion that this whole thing is me. That I am just unhappy and am looking to him to fill this void and insecurity I feel within myself. I have expectations that I am wanting him to fulfill and when he doesn't meet those expectations I internally validate my inner critique. I am seeking professional help to work on myself currently, hopefully I can learn to let go of this external dependency.

 

I thank you everyone who has given me their insight on this thread. It helps a lot and has made me really evaluate things.

 

I wouldn't think of it that way. I would think about what level of attention you personally need to be happy in a potentially long term relationship, after dating for one month. I am glad you're seeking professional help -not because I think you need it but because you think you do and you are being proactive -good for you!!

 

When you refer to this person it sounds like you're referring to someone you've been dating far longer than a month. After a month it should be mostly light and fun while getting to know the person. I think you built up expectation from typing and talking before you met. There is no reason to "let go" of the expectation of wanting someone who is interested and present and who wants to see you regularly. Some men and some women pull away when they get scared. People who want to be with you will choose you over fear. So they might feel like rubber banding but the thought of missing out on the opportunity to date you convinces them to react by not pulling away.

 

For now I'd assume that without time and place advance plans there is no date until and unless you two make those plans. That should be your expectation at this early stage IMO.

[hpinky]

Well you know John Gray talks about that too, what you're feeling/experiencing emotionally is not all that uncommon.

 

The first month was HOT, and you built expectations based on that. Then reality hit and he realized that type of pace and degree of hotness is not sustainable long term, which to me is reasonable and actually smart; he discusses this with you and your reaction is to feel hurt and begin to question everything including his feelings.

 

Well just like John Gray writes, he sprung back and it appears you had a lovely date, he was very attentive and things begin to get back on track perhaps at a lower speed and less hot but still wonderful, he's making future plans with you, etc., I dunno to me it all sounds very positive!

 

And frankly more real than what you were experiencing during the first month, which again is just not sustainable long term.

 

So what do you do in response to all this? You now become uncertain and want to withdraw!

 

I am glad you are introspecting and seeking professional help. You sound quite self-aware, so I have faith that you will eventually work all this out (within yourself). Whether it ultimately works out with this man, only time will tell.

 

But my advice would be to try and remain positive and flexible to these changing nuances, and you should be fine!

 

 

Thank you for all your positive feedback. I still have not texted him to respond, he texted me to inform me that he was going home from work. Still no response from me. I don't know why, but I can't seem to get myself to text him back. He did mention to me before that he feels he had set the bar so high at the beginning and he is afraid that I will keep expecting that, and that I will be unhappy when he can't reach that level of expectation from me. A part of me feels that he is super analyzing the relationship more than I am. He actually did tell me that he over thinks a lot and is over thinking things right now as well. Another part of me also has a fear that all of the things he is saying are lies to keep me around. When I let my mind go, I start to worry about everything. I think this is why I am avoiding texting him back.

[hpinky]

I wouldn't think of it that way. I would think about what level of attention you personally need to be happy in a potentially long term relationship, after dating for one month. I am glad you're seeking professional help -not because I think you need it but because you think you do and you are being proactive -good for you!!

 

When you refer to this person it sounds like you're referring to someone you've been dating far longer than a month. After a month it should be mostly light and fun while getting to know the person. I think you built up expectation from typing and talking before you met. There is no reason to "let go" of the expectation of wanting someone who is interested and present and who wants to see you regularly. Some men and some women pull away when they get scared. People who want to be with you will choose you over fear. So they might feel like rubber banding but the thought of missing out on the opportunity to date you convinces them to react by not pulling away.

 

For now I'd assume that without time and place advance plans there is no date until and unless you two make those plans. That should be your expectation at this early stage IMO.

 

I think he's definitely scared just like I am. I think the level of attention I am seeking is pretty unhealthy though. If I gave in to my anxiety and wants right now, I'd want him to call me every day telling me how much he wants to be with me, how much he misses me, how much he can't be without me. I'd want to hear him tell me he loves me and wants to see me every day. I see my emotional neediness and it is something that need to really learn how to manage. At one point, I had told him that I enjoy when someone tells me they miss me. He observed that and told me that he wants to be able to tell me he misses me when he actually does miss me, not because I want to hear it because it will lose it's meaning. I can see this as a form of validation that I am seeking from someone. I can't logically expect someone to give me a fulfillment from this feeling I have. For me to want that kind of attention is very unrealistic, I can see that completely. It sucks because my logical side tells me that I am insane right now, and my emotional side is screaming out for the attention.

 

I reached out to a counselor already and am hoping that I can sort out my emotions. I've always been very conflicted and run away from my emotions.

[mustlovedogs]

To clarify - you started talking to this guy while you were in a relationship?

 

And your first date was right around the time you split?

 

Did this guy know about your ex?