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My boyfriend needs time to think and clear his head?


Jesssica

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I am here to vent and get some opinions about my situation.

 

I have been dating a guy for 7 months. We have had our ups and downs mostly because he just moved here and has 2 jobs, works 7 days a week but doesnt make good money but wants a family and kids right now. I have told him we need to take things slow and work towards getting a place together, and work on getting him a better job as he cant even handle the bills he has now and is living with his cousin for $400/mo. I have stayed by his side, then he started getting into financial problems and i have helped him out of those but he continues to do it. His cousin left for a month and he had the burden of coming up woth $1000 for the rent for the month. He got really stressed out over that. He has had problems at his job because of his excessive cell phone use and tardiness. So he started to really stress. Then one night he caused me some heartache by playing mind games and ignoring me and hitting on a girl RIGHT in front of me. I cut off contact with him for a couple days and he BEGGED for another chance and told me he couldnt do this alone and loves me so much and it wasnt him and that he was just overwhelmed. He also said that he was hurt because I keep telling him he needs to get his stuff together and his parents always told him that and he didnt think i would do it, that he expected me to hold him up and be there for support. From the beginning he "fell in love with me" for 7 months he has always told me how much he loves me and always talked about family and how much he wants kids. He said that i was the love of his life, that he couldnt ever be with anyone else. He was in a 10 year relationship and he told me that he loves me more than he could have ever imagined loving her. He always said he would always treat me good and never leave or hurt me. On and on......basically nothing but pure love words and promises. He was always blowing my phone up, we talked daily. If he didnt hear from me he would send txt after txt or call. I always responded unless i was super busy or sleeping of course. I talked to him Thursday and he said lets get a place and get this going I love you with all my heart and I wanna just be together. I said ok, so we planned to spend the weekend together and get online, look for jobs for him and places to live. I finally let my guard down and gave in. I have been hurt and kinda had a big wall up so as not to get hurt, but after 7 months of this, i said its time for me to take a leap! So i did....well....All of a sudden Friday day I barely hear from him.....I ask him whats up, he says nothing im just stressed and busy at work. So i meet up at his house Friday he comes over and spends the night. He tells me he cant spend the weekend with me because he offered to watch a co-workers dog so she could go see her BF in another town. I was hurt! we had planned this weekend together for 3 weeks, but made it official the night before as to the plans....I was gonna cook him a nice home cooked meal...job/house hunt and just have a relaxing romantic weekend. I didnt hear from him all day saturday or saturday night.

 

I said fine...and left it aty that and went to a friends bbq. Well he showed up, so i left. i wasnt very happy with him. He then showed up at my house, then got frustrated with me and left. He yelled at me Sunday saying that i kicked him while he was down by getting on him about needing to get it together. Anyway, i havent talked to him since so yesterday I sent him a txt and told him that i hoped he understands but that the silence is odd and i understand something was up, but that i deserved an explanation after all i have done because i am confused and i need some sort of closure so I can move on. I asked him to please nto ignore me and hear me out. His response was "again, i am not ignoring you , I was busy..sorry" So i replied and said, so are you going to call so we can talk this out? He said "I will just not right now, i need to think and clear my head." I didnt respond and havent heard from him since. I am just kinda lost, confused, heart borken and dont even know what to do or what is going on........anyway...i feel like i should just let him go....but its really weighing on me..the silence is just lame. I mean from all these i love you's and cant live without you, to NOTHING?!?! Should I just let go?

 

PS- sorry for the long post i was just trying to get it all in there so you can give some advice. Thanks in advance!

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It sounds to me like your boyfriend has A LOT to deal with regarding himself and needs time ALONE to organise his life.

 

Do not take what he says to heart, it's not you, but I tell you one thing the telling him he needs to get things together can only come accross as controlling and motherly and to be honest that's a putt off to any guy, even though you have his best interests at heart, it don't matter. Rather allow him to have this space, he will appreciate that.

 

Don't understand him trying it on with this girl, can you elaborate?

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He does sound like he needs to get his act together. However if he is now sitting back thinking, and not communicating TO YOU , it's possible he could be on his way. Of course you not knowing this means you're going to be hanging around waiting while he sorts his head out. Don't wait around. All his stress seems to be self induced.

 

I would be letting him go , he seems aimless for somebody who is supposedly in a hurry to have kids. Right now you are getting the silent treatment. You need to prepare yourself for it being over.

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I know and thats what i have been preparing myself for, the hard part to swallow is ONE DAY literally he went from i cant live without you to....silence. The only time I get on him for his problems was when he was wanting to get a place and have kids NOW and i told him he needed to get on track...he would then like 2 days lter start whining about how he overdrew his account and had no money and he would freak out...so i would calm him down and help him out...I would give him money and pull him out. I did this 5 times...then finally said he needed to figure it out on his own...that I would be there for him for support but that i couldnt give him anymore money. Unless he is doing drugs there is NO WAY he can not have enough money to pay his rent and small bills that he has. He has no drive to search for jobs and said he needed my help...so I tried to help but he never followed through to submit the apps. Tpo me, if he was serious about starting a life with me, then he would be more motivated to make it that way. I also forgot to mention I have a 5 year old daughter and a roommate and Cant afford things on my own while also raising a daughjter and if he cant take up his end of the bargain.....well.....that was what was said in a nice way.

 

Cranny-- It was a typo, he was hitting on another girl right in front of me and she was trying to get him to stop and he wouldnt and so i left and he got all sad the next day and sobby because i wouldnt talk to him and he begged me for another chance...over and over and over again and promised me the world. He blamed it on being drunk and me hurting his feelings by "pushing him to better himself when he knows what he needs to do". well its been 7 months and NOTHING has happened or changed. He's screwing up his job and his relationship with his cousin whom he cant even come up with all the rent most of the time for him. I didnt push the subject anymore just told him I would be there for him and wouldnt push him anymore. This was about a month ago...and things were great.

 

I know what i need to do, i am just getting outside opinions, as it is hard to grasp him going from one EXTREME literally to the next in one day....is there someone else? A few friends suggested drugs.....who knows. I will give him his space for sure. When i felt he was distant a little about a week ago (actually the tuesday before last), i asked him what was wrong and that i wanted to helpif something was bothering him....and that i wanted to sit down and talk kinda clear the air so that we can focus on the positives....he said "HE** yes! Communication is key and i'd love to talk about things baby." But then turned around and said nothing has changed, what i am going through has nothing to do with you or us. We have been doing great for the last few months....then thursday (a week and 2 days later)...it all changed. No communication what so ever, no contact...barely here and there and only if I txt him and wish him a good day he would come back with a very vague response. When normally just a weeks ago it would be "thanks you babe, i am doing good how areis your day...?" or soemthing along those lines....and it went from "I love you baby"....to "Luv u babe" via txt.

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7 mnths isnt long, but I really fell for this guy and beleived everything he told me...all the promises he made me. It took me a while to let my guard down to anyone, and not to mention he seemed to be everything i wanted...we liked the same music, food etc...our personalities were like perfect match. He wants the same things i wanted, he was around my age which i have always dated way older guys....we had just sooo much in common and the spark was totally there...and I could see it in his eyes! and feel it! then all of s sudden it felt like it wasnt there, and i asked him and told him my feelings and reassured me it was just he was stressed and exhausted from working 7 days a weeks, getting no where and no time for himself to enjoy his life. So it all just hurts....I feel abandoned from the love that i felt...I miss it

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So everything he said was a lie? I didnt start helping him til recently...everything was still the same before the money was given to him....but maybe emotionally he used me....and since he doesnt know anyone here as i met him 3 days after he moved here. UGHHHH! Thanks everyone for your input...more is welcome

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I gotta say he sounds kind of bipolar to be, but I'm not a professional. Going from one manic stage to the next like that has got to be frustrating. I am sure he will come back around, but I don't envy you if he does. It really sounds like he's going to be an awful lot of work in a relationship.

 

The only other thing I can think is...how long ago did that ten year relationship end for him? He may have just hit a point where its not just talking, its actually moving forward in the relationship and he may be getting some flashbacks of his previous relationship. I absolutely got that when my wife and I were seeing each other before we were married. Not to the extent he is, because I'm not a person that needs a ton of alone time to figure things out. He may not be quite as decisive as I was. Of course, this even assuming that his other relationship is suddenly affecting him.

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I thought about bi polar as well....something is going on in his head. I mean if you dont want it, break it off...hell even through a txt message. Dont drag it out and completely ignore the person! Thats just down right WRONG and awful of someone to do. Especially if for 7 months you told that person you loved them and wanted to marry them and discussed kids and the whole nine, then just drop em as if they never mattered and everything you said was a lie?!?

 

That i am not sure about. He is from Minnesota and moved here in September and I met him right when he moved here. He always referred to his "ex" asd his "fiancee" of 10 years.....I think he is possibly married to this girl from a small bit of research i did. I am so lost with this!!!!!

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I know it hurts to have wasted 7 months with him but you're dodging a bullet with this guy. I would never date a guy who was saying all that BS about marriage and kids when he overdraws his bank account and needs to borrow money from me to support himself. Do you really want to date someone who is so ignorant when it comes to money? It's common knowledge that having a child is like taking on a really expensive car payment. He can't even pay his rent but he wants to go the whole 9 yards with you?

 

Also there's a phrase you'll see a lot on this forum. Actions speak louder than words. He can say all of that stuff to you...but his actions were different. Hitting on other girls, ignoring you, etc. Those things speak louder than anything he just says out of his mouth.

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Thank you alwaysmoving! And everyone else! Well....he called me finally and he is seeing someone else. I asked him to tell me why and what was up and he said "there's someone else". I said ok thank you... It took a lot off my shoulders that i finally can move on now knowing that this douche bag is truly a DOUCHE BAG! Loser! He also told me that he said all that cause he didnt want to lose me, and i told him all his BS words were lies this whole time and that he never loved me...and said "maybe deep down inside i didnt". He said a lot of other things that I just brushed off and now know i can and need to move on......Just wait til that girl firgures it all out, he probably has the sheet pulled over her head too like he did with me until someone else came along that supported his stupidity and irresponsibility. I am better than that, he USED ME! I make really good money and have my life established at 28 years old. He is 31 and doesnt have CRAP. so whatever! moving on! I also am demanding my $700 back from him, he said he has to pay rent and then will "pay me when he can" i told him he better make it quick or I will take it further!!!!

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Wow sorry to hear is such a * * * * . Just thank your lucky stars you didn't hang around for him to string you along. You deserve better and I hope you get the money he owes back, but don't let this hamper moving on. He may never get round to paying it back or may choose not to, keep that in mind.

 

Either way, you seem to be holding your own. Owed money shouldn't be made an issue post break up IMHO. I think you should ask for the money a few months down the line when you're both in a better headspace?

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Yes it hurts BUT i am glad it didnt get worse. I had a pregnancy scare recently but did some blood tests and i am ok...I think i am just "late" becuase if all the stress. Many other symptoms along with it. I am glad that didnt happen. And yes i havent replied to his txt and wont talk to him for a while, then ask again for my money. I just hope hes smart enough to pay me back cause there are some angry people right now!!!

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Whew, dodged multiple bullets then. Thank goodness for you that he's gone and that is was only a scare. People suck sometimes. Sorry he was messing with you for that long, but I'm glad for you that it didn't go on any longer.

 

Well I just found out, that I am pregnant just wasnt far along enough for the tests has NO CARE for that either...he told me he would go with me to have an abortion. When i said to him, really?!?! this is what you have BEGGED me for, for 7 months..and now you go it! (honestly I dont want another child right now and this was the LAST thing i wanted or expected) BUT.his response--- "sorry, i changed my mind i dont want one now." I said * * * wow, ok in understasnd that but what in the world happened to you? " he said dont know what to tell ya, I moved on."

 

I just about lost my cool, but i didnt. I just left it at that and didnt respond. that was monday and I havent heard from him since. NOR DO I CARE TO!!! Son of a BIT**! had enough! I want my money from him...and thats it. I no longer want to even see his sorry a** cause if I do it wont be pretty. He came into a SMALL town not knowing anyone...and I know EVERYONE and i am well respected in this town...its a very very small town (maybe 30,000). He just better watch his A** cause he went too far. He messed with the wrong girl. What a low life, worthless pile of dung. Who does that? Oh yeah!... scum bags!

 

Sorry for venting, I am just at this point...pissed. i was upset before and emotional and all that...well now i know why...but then after all that...such heatless, cold, careless words?....very frustrating n sooo wrong in so many ways. Thanks you all for letting me vent! now what do you think?! lol

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Ok I need some help here again. After almost 2 weeks, he called me. Asked how i was feeling, said he thinks we need to talk. I told him I dont want to talk that I said what I had to say and he stomped on my heart. He didnt care a week ago that I am carrying his kid now. He said that hurt him and that he was really sorry that he never wished for things to end this way. I asked how he wanted them to end and he said "idk i guess that is or was no good way, either way it really sucks" i said there was a better way and a good way....he said "ya i guess".....what is he trying to do here?!? I need opinions please!!!!!

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