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Ex-girlfriend wants to get back together, but I am in a new relationship


Rdunsany

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In short, my ex-gf broke up with me about a year ago. We had been together for a little over 3 years and she broke things off because she felt like her life had become unmoored and wanted to figure her life out. She felt that being with me (and my two kids, who are not hers) was hindering that because it was the only path she could take while we were together. I should also say that, though when we were good, we were amazing, the year+ preceding the breakup were awful. She was pulling away during that time and I found myself unable to break things off despite realizing what was happening and being enormously unhappy. It was an incredibly hard breakup for me and I felt like I was having a constant panic attack for weeks after. Even after the initial hurt subsided, I found it tough to move on.

 

But, eventually, I did move on. I started dating again. I've been seeing someone now for about 3 months and it is going great, but extremely fast. We went exclusive on our 5th date (spent the whole day together on the 3rd), said "I love you" a few weeks after that. We're making lots of plans for later in the year, including her meeting my family. (They are not local, I have already met hers once).

 

Now my ex-girlfriend tells me that she feels the problems she had in our relationship were actually her problems and she wants to give it another shot. And she's willing to go all in. Couples therapy, moving in together after my lease runs out, really putting the work into it.

 

I still have feelings for my ex-gf, but returning back to a relationship that did not work the first time around is very scary. And also I'm seeing someone that I am very happy with. We've only been together for 3 months, so I can't guarantee that it's going to work out long-term, but if I do go back with my ex, I'd be breaking up a good relationship with someone who did absolutely nothing wrong. I'd be choosing my ex over my current gf, plain and simple.

 

This has been weighing on me for days. I find myself constantly exhausted from all the emotional stress. I hate hurting people and I find myself in a situation where, no matter what I do, I hurt someone. Now, obviously, choosing my GF is the path of least resistance, since my ex and I are already broken up, but I don't know if it's what I want. I can envision a happy future with my ex, but I also know that future is uncertain and it would be a lot of work to get there. I wish I could just let it happen naturally. (As in, when we're both single), but the situation now is unsustainable and I need to make a decision.

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Does your ex know you're seeing someone?

 

If so, I'd find that in itself to just be more evidence of what I think, deep down, you already know: that the two of you don't really work. Because that there is pretty dramatic and disrespectful, you know, just as you're walking awfully close to being disrespectful by engaging like this with your ex while being involved with someone else.

 

Also, I think you should listen to that emotional exhaustion as another sign of what your ex offers you. That's not the stuff we build relationships on top of, or at least sustainable relationships.

 

Look, I totally understand how one can be thrown by hearing, at last, all you wanted to hear from someone a year or two ago. But right now it actually seems really simple: the timing is not right. Bummer, but that's life. And while no one wants to hurt other people, there's a place where we just hurt ourselves by avoiding hurting others.

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Persoanlly i would not go back. It sounds like she wanted to have her fun which she couldnt do with you and your children, this is of course is her right, but whats to say she won't pull this again? Potentially she may have also left you to try out other guys, that hasnt worked and now she wants to come back. Only a guess though. What did she say HER actual problems were?

 

You and your new GF sound compatible. What does she think about the kids situation? Is she good with them etc etc.

 

You are literally gambling everything. Your ex decision to leave was not spontaneous either so she can't say that. She was distant to you for a year and made you feel like crap about it? That is not good. She could/should have walked when she was unhappy which is why i think she was monkey branching at some point towards the end.

 

Tough spot to be in because none of us can predict the future. If you dump your current gf for no reason she probably will not take you back if it fails again with your ex so i'd think real careful.

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My ex does know I am seeing someone. In fact, the first time she brought this up, I politely declined, saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right. She, basically, came back a few days later with further clarification about how serious she was about all of this. She is also seeing someone, though she's referred to him as "knock off" of me and not someone she's serious about. I am not sure if they are committed or serious, but I get the feeling from her that they are not serious and she does not view a future with this guy. It's just been extraordinarily hard because, at a time (and not that long ago, either), the words she's saying are all I wanted to hear in life.

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She is reaching out as her current relationship is about to fail, she is monkey branching which i suspect is what she was doing during that whole year she was making you miserable. For me i would block her and focus on my current gf as it's pretty disrespectful to engage in this kind of conversation with an ex whilst happy in a relationship.

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saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right.

 

so, you did not decline her, you just said "maybe later"

who knows if your current relationship is ultimately a rebound or will be lasting - no one knows.

But i think you need to be firmer with her that you mean "no."

you are right - if a relationship didn't work the first time - why go back there?

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Ninjabib,

 

She said her issues were that she was scared of messing up the kids by not being a perfect parental figure, that she felt like, for so long, she was not integrated into my life that she distanced herself to try and protect herself, instead of talking to me about it. And that she never told me anything that bothered her for fear of hurting my feelings, even if the outcome (breaking up) turned out way worse for me. And, to be fair, as most breakups involve two, she's right about the not integrating her into my life. We never quite clicked with that. She wanted to be deeply involved in my life before I was ready for that and by the time I was ready she felt hurt and had started to distance herself.

 

As for my new GF and the kids, they've only met twice now. It's hard to tell, but she seems good. In the end though, I realize that my current relationship is new and we're not past the honeymoon stage and into real working on the relationship. It could easily still not work out. I have to be okay with that.

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Unfortunately, you entered into a new relationship before you had completely healed and moved on from your previous relationship. You are now learning the hard way the problems that one faces when entering a relationship far too quickly, before you are emotionally ready. Be honest here: are you REALLY "in love" with your current girlfriend? It sounds to me that you enjoy the IDEA of being in love with her, but that you aren't REALLY in love with her. If you were, the very idea of leaving her for your ex-girlfriend wouldn't even occur to you. It is extremely unfair, and wrong on your end, to tell your girlfriend you are "in love" with her when that is not true. It's also wrong to be in an exclusive relationship with someone while maintaining romantic communication with someone else (i.e. your ex-girlfriend) at best, this is inappropriate behavior; at worst, it is flat out emotional cheating.

 

In all honesty, you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. It's clear that your emotional state is causing you to make poor decisions (getting into a relationship too quickly, saying "I love you" without really meaning it, contemplating getting back into a toxic relationship with your ex-gf, etc) My best advice is to exit this current relationship and NOT enter into another one until you have completely healed and you are emotionally stable enough to bring another person in. As it stands, it is not fair to your girlfriend, yourself, or to your kids to be in a relationship in which you cannot fully invest yourself (i.e. you have one foot out the door). Stay single, work on yourself, get yourself to a healthy state of being.

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No, I didn't decline her. I told her, gently, that I still had lots of feelings for her, but that now was not the right time. If she asked me a 4-5 months ago, I would have taken her up on it. But now she is asking me to leave a relationship that is going really well. To leave someone who has truly done nothing wrong, for her.

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No, I didn't decline her. I told her, gently, that I still had lots of feelings for her, but that now was not the right time. If she asked me a 4-5 months ago, I would have taken her up on it. But now she is asking me to leave a relationship that is going really well. To leave someone who has truly done nothing wrong, for her.

 

If you don't decline, she will keep pursuing it. Remember that she thought life with you and your kids was stifling her. You still have kids. That won't change.

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JenCrowley,

 

Yes, I realize that my feelings for my current GF are shallow in that it isn't the sort of deep love one has when they really know someone. I realized that when I said it. But it's also not lust or, I don't think, infatuation. I have strong feelings for her and want to be with her. Her well being is important to me and I do see a future of us together. A lot of this is fighting a part of me from the past who always held out hope that my ex and I would get back together. I do realize how unfair I am being to my current GF to even contemplate this though.

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My ex does know I am seeing someone. In fact, the first time she brought this up, I politely declined, saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right. She, basically, came back a few days later with further clarification about how serious she was about all of this. She is also seeing someone, though she's referred to him as "knock off" of me and not someone she's serious about. I am not sure if they are committed or serious, but I get the feeling from her that they are not serious and she does not view a future with this guy. It's just been extraordinarily hard because, at a time (and not that long ago, either), the words she's saying are all I wanted to hear in life.

 

Real talk?

 

All I see here is drama, emotional immaturity, and weak character. She's involved with someone. Doesn't matter if it's serious or a "knock off." Someone with integrity gets out of something before getting into something new, so to get back together with her is to reward a character defect, plain and simple.

 

The subtext of all this is what you got a year ago. Her life is "unmoored" and she's looking for an anchor. When she was with you, it was being "alone," which I put in quotes because all signs here point to someone who can't be alone. Now she's unmoored again—still unmoored, really—and the answer is being "with you."

 

I get that you're hearing what you once wanted to hear, but these are just words. Behind them are the actions of someone who is not stable and whose instability is already infecting you.

 

Big picture: I think you need to do some real thinking about whether you're in a place to be dating anyone, or whether your feelings for your current gf are as deep as you've professed with the big L word.

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How can there be a future if you aren't fully invested in your girlfriend? You've got one foot out the door already, your mind is on someone else. Thinking about someone else is taking away from the relationship you already have. Sorry, but a future isn't possible if you can't devote your whole being into this. That's why I recommend ending things, it isn't fair to your girlfriend if you aren't all-in. If you're only holding onto her because "this is good enough for now" all the while keeping an eye out for "maybe there's something else that is even better, like my ex-gf" it's a very selfish thing to do, and no, it is NOT thinking about her well being at all. If her well being is at all important to you as you say, you will let her go so that she can find someone who will absolutely be 100% all-in with her.

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So you're "in love" with your current, and have exchanged same, but still have "feelings" for your ex, strong enough apparently that you are considering going back?

 

How does this work?

 

Does your current gf know you still harbor strong feelings for your ex?

 

Serious questions.

 

This is quite troubling; I would advise you to get your act together, and start being emotionally honest, w yourself mostly.

 

Then your current gf.

 

Re your ex, my take is she wants you now that you're in another relationship, and hers is ending. It's quite common and also quite selfish.

 

If you return, expect the same issues to be there, tossing in a few more for good measure.

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All I see here is drama, emotional immaturity, and weak character. She's involved with someone. Doesn't matter if it's serious or a "knock off." Someone with integrity gets out of something before getting into something new, so to get back together with her is to reward a character defect, plain and simple.

 

Second this.

 

OP:

Hit the pause button for a second and breathe. We all go through emotionally trying times but you've got to hit the pause button and know when to retreat and think twice about what's going on around you. I mean really think. Go over it and realize what's going on around you, practice mindful reflection and understand what's happening.

 

I do question your frame of mind and whether you are set up for any type of committed relationship in the first place. Before this completely blows up in your face, I'd take a time out and pause. Don't lead anyone on, don't give out the wrong impression (you did by responding at all to your ex), don't leave room for errors that sabotage your future. If you really want to get out of your deep, dark hole of sadness, stop digging a deeper hole. I'm sensing also that you're in a habit of spiralling downwards for some reason and haven't broken out of an unhealthy cycle of bad decisions. This is unconscionable considering you are dating someone new and someone else's happiness depends on your instability. Even if you're confused about yourself, how could you possibly treat another human being like this? I can't fathom having the guts to do this to someone. It's mindboggling. I also cannot reconcile how a woman, any woman, could possibly refer to her current date as a knock off and yet turn around in the same instant and ask for a committed relationship from someone else when he's already attached in a relationship. That is incredibly disrespectful and when people disrespect each other, it means that there's a dysfunction within themselves (they cannot respect themselves either).

 

Take care of yourself - something is really not right about your heart or what's going on within you (you have to figure that out). I'd say tread carefully. Be kind to yourself.

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Per Rose Mosse's suggestion of a mindful approach, here's something to chew on:

 

What your ex is really stirring in you right now? It's just ego, or mainly ego. There is real power and stability to be found in getting intimate with your ego, so you're not too thrown when it gets inflamed or prone to mistake an inflamed ego for deep feelings.

 

An ex comes out of the woodwork, a pretty woman bats her eyes across a crowded room, a random reaches out on social media—these things happen, and no one is immune to "feeling" something when they do. But that something? It's just ego, something to wave at ("Hey ego, I see you") but not be guided by ("Hey ego, I've got better things to do").

 

The more you understand it the less mysterious these moments are and the easier it is to stay present in what is real, what serves you, to be moving forward instead of backward, up instead of down.

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Imo, you shouldn't go backwards. You had three years to make it work with your ex and you couldn't. Chances are that you two were incompatible. It also sounds like you moved too fast with your current relationship.

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To heck with your exes' excuses. She wanted out and she got it. What has really changed? Nothing at all. I'd be keen to think that she is just jealous at this point.

 

 

The real question is, why are you treating your new girlfriend this way? She doesn't deserve this.

 

 

It's riskier to pursue something that already ended badly once than something new and fresh. Example: Would you trade in your new laptop for a refurbished laptop that potentially never was fixed?

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The people I really feel for in all this are your girlfriend and your ex's boyfriend. Is he aware that he's a 'passing time' candidate? Come to that, is your unfortunate girlfriend? Both are in the position of potentially being hurt because of something which is nothing to do with them.

 

Do you really think your ex has changed that much in the relatively brief time you've been part? Frankly, I doubt it, and I also doubt that much would change if you were both to end your current relationships and got back together again. Sorry, your ex's promises to change etc etc are more about control than love, and as such are comparable to the empty promises of abusers when they sense they're really about to lose their partners. This is about reeling you back in, and nothing more.

 

People who really want to change and address their issues do so alone. They don't do it in an ostentatious manner once they realise the ex partner is genuinely moving on; that's about sabotage, not growth.

 

You have a choice. Hop back on the toxic merry-go-round with a fairly predictable outcome, or put your energies into a new, promising relationship. At least the merry-go-round has the advantage of being predictable!

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Unfortunately, you entered into a new relationship before you had completely healed and moved on from your previous relationship. You are now learning the hard way the problems that one faces when entering a relationship far too quickly, before you are emotionally ready. Be honest here: are you REALLY "in love" with your current girlfriend? It sounds to me that you enjoy the IDEA of being in love with her, but that you aren't REALLY in love with her. If you were, the very idea of leaving her for your ex-girlfriend wouldn't even occur to you. It is extremely unfair, and wrong on your end, to tell your girlfriend you are "in love" with her when that is not true. It's also wrong to be in an exclusive relationship with someone while maintaining romantic communication with someone else (i.e. your ex-girlfriend) at best, this is inappropriate behavior; at worst, it is flat out emotional cheating.

 

In all honesty, you are not ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. It's clear that your emotional state is causing you to make poor decisions (getting into a relationship too quickly, saying "I love you" without really meaning it, contemplating getting back into a toxic relationship with your ex-gf, etc) My best advice is to exit this current relationship and NOT enter into another one until you have completely healed and you are emotionally stable enough to bring another person in. As it stands, it is not fair to your girlfriend, yourself, or to your kids to be in a relationship in which you cannot fully invest yourself (i.e. you have one foot out the door). Stay single, work on yourself, get yourself to a healthy state of being.

 

Oh man so much this.

 

The fact that you told your ex girlfriend you still had feelings for her but had moved on would be like me saying I quit smoking, I only smoke twice a day. And you purposefully left the door open.

 

Like quoted above had you moved on, had you loved this new girlfriend your ex wouldn’t even be a blip.

 

Shame on you. And I mean that. I wish I could post this on the heartbreak forum, this is what rebounding looks like someone ends up hurt, now this innocent woman who only made the mistake of believing you were over your ex is going to be in the middle of your drama.

 

I don’t have advice about what you should do because it’s a mess, but let’s be real if you truly loved this woman you would not give a second though to going back to someone who hurt you deeply. So either she didn’t really hurt you all that deep and you aren’t over her and used this woman as a distraction or she did you’re addicted to the drama and were using this woman as a distraction. Either way, congrats you’re about to put someone else through the pain you commiserated to us about

 

I know my response seems harsh and I recognize it, there’s just no point in sugar coating how messed up you’re being right now...

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Spot-on as a previous poster said the only 2 innocents in this are your current gf and your ex gfs boyfriend. Both who assume think they are in happy loving relationships with a future and both about to have the rug pulled right from beneath them.

 

If you didn't care about your ex you would have rejected her out of hand, no questions asked.

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My ex does know I am seeing someone. In fact, the first time she brought this up, I politely declined, saying that though I still had feelings for her, I was seeing someone (which she already knew, going into the conversation) and that the timing just wasn't right. She, basically, came back a few days later with further clarification about how serious she was about all of this. She is also seeing someone, though she's referred to him as "knock off" of me and not someone she's serious about. I am not sure if they are committed or serious, but I get the feeling from her that they are not serious and she does not view a future with this guy. It's just been extraordinarily hard because, at a time (and not that long ago, either), the words she's saying are all I wanted to hear in life.

Read this and consider her character. Gah! Basically, you're doing the same using of your current partner as she is but if you want to be with someone that won't eff you around then you'd do well to block your ex so she can't dazzle you with her science and put your focus on the woman that you are with now... at least she's not a flake.

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Simply tell her you're seeing someone and stop all contact. Block and delete her and all her people from all your messaging and social media apps. Do not mess up a future for a messed up past. She probably just got dumped, so do not even entertain this.

I started dating again. I've been seeing someone now for about 3 months and it is going great, but extremely fast. We went exclusive on our 5th date (spent the whole day together on the 3rd), said "I love you" a few weeks after that. We're making lots of plans for later in the year, including her meeting my family. (They are not local, I have already met hers once).

 

Now my ex-girlfriend tells me that she feels the problems she had in our relationship were actually her problems and she wants to give it another shot.

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