Feeling stuck in a relationship (too much texting)

[MareGraphics]

Hello,

So here's the problem, but first of all let's get some things clear:

- I love my girlfriend

- She loves me

- I love spending time with her in person

 

So, what's the problem?

The problem is that we are spending TOO MUCH time texting, that's what she calls "attention", when I don't answer ti her message for like 5 minutes she's like "Oh you are not giving me enough attention blah blah" and trust me, that drives me crazy.. I'm stuck with my phone because of her, So many times I want to work on myself, spend time on things I likr doing in free time, but can't because of damn chatting.

 

My sister has a boyfriend, and they're not chatting at all, like once in a week 2 messages, what they do is talk via phone call, once a day, and call each other to make a deal when to go out.

And that's what I like, relationship isn't a prison.

 

So, what should I do?

Plus, we see each other everyday

[Starlight925]

Your girlfriend is the epitome of an extremely insecure and immature person.

 

The reason you text her all the time is, you text her all the time. She's come to expect it.

 

The only way to stop it is to tell her exactly what you said here: that you'd like to speak to her every day via phone, and maybe a text once or twice a day. If she's not ok with that, then she's not the girl for you.

 

I can't stand all the texting either, so I'm with you.

[maew]

This would be a deal breaker for me... my current BF and I send messages or chat on the phone twice a day when we are not together... once in the late morning, and once during the evening as we are getting ready for bed. We may talk more often if one or the other of us is having a tough day but otherwise we just kind of set that cadence up when we started dating.

 

You need to set a boundary with this girl. Her insecurity isn't your responsibility. If she can't handle it then let her go be needy and insecure with some other guy.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm curious why she needs that attention from you when you're not together in person and why you feel obligated to respond. I'm sensing insecurities on both sides. Have there been any issues of infidelity in the past between the both of you or is either one of you more social(wider social circles) than the other?

[MareGraphics]

Your girlfriend is the epitome of an extremely insecure and immature person.

 

The reason you text her all the time is, you text her all the time. She's come to expect it.

 

The only way to stop it is to tell her exactly what you said here: that you'd like to speak to her every day via phone, and maybe a text once or twice a day. If she's not ok with that, then she's not the girl for you.

 

I can't stand all the texting either, so I'm with you.

 

Yeah, I understand that. Yeah I should do that.

Knowing her, she would probably understand that as "me not loving her"

[MareGraphics]

This would be a deal breaker for me... my current BF and I send messages or chat on the phone twice a day when we are not together... once in the late morning, and once during the evening as we are getting ready for bed. We may talk more often if one or the other of us is having a tough day but otherwise we just kind of set that cadence up when we started dating.

 

You need to set a boundary with this girl. Her insecurity isn't your responsibility. If she can't handle it then let her go be needy and insecure with some other guy.

 

Exactly what I would like it to be in my relationship.

As a girl, is attention such a big deal for you?

[Oh me Oh I]

You should tell her how you feel, like how you just told us.

 

But yeah, woh - this girl is too much. The need for you to constantly text her AND you both already see each other every day?!? That's crazy. You're right about how you sister's relationship sounds healthier with the communication; it is. One phone call a day is enough, honestly, and then a text here and there when you want to let them know something is extra. I once got mad at a guy who told me he wanted to text me while he's with his friends so that he's not bored. Um, HELLO - WHAT? I'm not going to be anyone's pass time, especially when they're supposed to be having fun with their friends. If you're not, then don't hang out with them! Anyway, my point in telling you that was that this new texting era is crazy, and I think your girlfriend is one of those people caught up in it. It's great that you two love each other, so just tell her so that you guys have a healthier communication plan. Also, as the above poster said, if she continues to be this way, I'm sorry to say but it would be a deal breaker. Being able to live your life, too, is more important.

 

And as Rose Mosse said, yes, she could have insecurities that you should address with her before deciding to break it off or anything, like ask her why she needs this constant attention. Work things out as much as you can before letting it go so you don't regret anything.

[MareGraphics]

I'm curious why she needs that attention from you when you're not together in person and why you feel obligated to respond. I'm sensing insecurities on both sides. Have there been any issues of infidelity in the past between the both of you or is either one of you more social(wider social circles) than the other?

 

Me neither, thats what's bothering me. In person we both enjoy, I can see it on her face that she's happy.

About feeling obligation to respond, to be honest, I don't know.. come to think of it, I just don't know..

 

No, we have never had any issue like that, just her jealousy, she's so jealous, but when it comes to me, she has no reason to be, I'm always loyal, honest and i put all of my effort into our relationship.

Now when it comes to social circles, I used to be much more social, I had like so many friends, girls and guys. She was always a shy one. I'm still very social person, but when it comes to her, well, she doesn't even want to be around when I'm with a company because she's shy

[MareGraphics]

You should tell her how you feel, like how you just told us.

 

But yeah, woh - this girl is too much. The need for you to constantly text her AND you both already see each other every day?!? That's crazy. You're right about how you sister's relationship sounds healthier with the communication; it is. One phone call a day is enough, honestly, and then a text here and there when you want to let them know something is extra. I once got mad at a guy who told me he wanted to text me while he's with his friends so that he's not bored. Um, HELLO - WHAT? I'm not going to be anyone's pass time, especially when they're supposed to be having fun with their friends. If you're not, then don't hang out with them! Anyway, my point in telling you that was that this new texting era is crazy, and I think your girlfriend is one of those people caught up in it. It's great that you two love each other, so just tell her so that you guys have a healthier communication plan. Also, as the above poster said, if she continues to be this way, I'm sorry to say but it would be a deal breaker. Being able to live your life, too, is more important.

 

And as Rose Mosse said, yes, she could have insecurities that you should address with her before deciding to break it off or anything, like ask her why she needs this constant attention. Work things out as much as you can before letting it go so you don't regret anything.

 

Yeah, our relationship, from my point of view, isn't healthy.. Like You said, my GF got caught in this new "modern" era, which is stupid, and I wish everything was like before social media and stuff.

 

I will listen to your advice and talk it out with her. I really have put so much effort into this relationship, like I can't even explain how much.. when you feel like you gave a part of yourself for that person, for a relationship.

So I don't want it to end, I love her.

[SarahLancaster]

If you love her as you have said, the best thing you can do is to have a sit-down with her the next time you see her. Tell her how you feel, that you love her but you don't feel the need to communicate all day long. Without communication, your relationship won't last.

[SarahLancaster]

I'm curious why she needs that attention from you when you're not together in person and why you feel obligated to respond. I'm sensing insecurities on both sides. Have there been any issues of infidelity in the past between the both of you or is either one of you more social(wider social circles) than the other?

 

Hi, Rose**** Welcome. Glad to see you here.

[Honeycomb8]

Wow how suffocating. The last time I saw a bf literally everyday for many months on end was when I was 18 (and it was my bf at the time that wanted to see me daily). She needs a life and you should talk to her about it. I'm surprised you haven't left, I'm not sure if I could handle so much communication and lack of space.

[j.man]

I mean, have all the talks you want. But you spare yourself the trouble if that dynamic doesn't change ricky-tick. Sorry to say, but people generally don't just go from an 80 to 10. Give her a chance but don't sacrifice your happiness for it.

[melancholy123]

How old are you two? I'm suspecting teenagers. Teen girls seem to be an insecure lot, always wanting attention and being ready to say YOU DONT LOVE ME! if you dont text as often as she thinks is needed. Tell her what you told us. If she cries or whines then she's showing her immaturity.

[figureitout23]

OPer I wish i could pin this post SO many base so much of their relationship on texting now a days, there’s literally two posts on the splash page with subjects of not being texted enough, there’s dozens more recent posts,and these posts usually go pages and page and pages with the person trying to figure out how to get the person to text more.

 

It’s interesting to see the other side of the coin

 

I don’t think you should dump her, why? Because that girl is just like the many other needy insecure posters here and 9 times out of 10 they want help to fix it, so why would I not give you that same advice?

 

Communicate.

 

Set your boundary and stick to it

 

At the end of the day this neediness is rooted in insecurity. So try to do something each day to help her feel secure. It’s kinda like having a hungry dog and you’re feeding it snacks all day instead of giving t a big mean at the beginning of the day it can revisit the rest of the day whenever he gets hungry.

 

She’s needy. Doesn’t mean she’s a bad person, but you have to set boundaries and let her know in no uncertain terms you will not sooth her like this any longer. It isn’t healthy.

[Rose Mosse]

Me neither, thats what's bothering me. In person we both enjoy, I can see it on her face that she's happy.

About feeling obligation to respond, to be honest, I don't know.. come to think of it, I just don't know..

 

No, we have never had any issue like that, just her jealousy, she's so jealous, but when it comes to me, she has no reason to be, I'm always loyal, honest and i put all of my effort into our relationship.

Now when it comes to social circles, I used to be much more social, I had like so many friends, girls and guys. She was always a shy one. I'm still very social person, but when it comes to her, well, she doesn't even want to be around when I'm with a company because she's shy

 

Her insecurities sound very painful...my heart actually hurt reading that. She has to learn to trust you at some point or the relationship won't survive. This is a learning curve that she has to make but you shouldn't feel that it's your responsibility to help her learn that. If you love each other, as others have pointed out, you'll both find a way but it will take two to tango. Never feel obligated to fix someone. You do owe it to yourself to remain happy, feel loved and love someone truly in a relationship without heavy feelings (or the burden) of fixing him or her.

 

Hi Sarah, thanks. Nice to see you.

[MissCanuck]

She is insecure to the point of being controlling.

 

You say she is a very jealous person. This constant need for texting is her way of checking up on you; if you don't respond on her timeline, she assumes you are up to no good. It's not about her need for attention as much as it's about her desperately trying to soothe her baseless fear and suspicion.

 

And it needs to stop. She is going to strangle the life of out of this relationship. This isn't solely about her generation, either. There are plenty of young folks who keep digital communication at a reasonable level with their partners. Sit her down and explain that while you love her, you cannot be expected to be glued to your phone and hop to attention every time she demands it. It is unrealistic and unfair. If she cannot reach a compromise and turns it into a discussion about you not "loving" her enough, I would strongly encourage you to reconsider the relationship. Your definitions of "love" might just be too incompatible.

[Wiseman2]

This type of text tethering is more about controlling behaviors and distrust. Just put an end to it. Do not acquiesce to this type of imprisonment. Simply do not answer harassing levels of texts. You are not an electronic babysitter for spoiled divas. This is about you, not her. It's your phone, your time and your call who you text, how much, etc.

The problem is that we are spending TOO MUCH time texting, that's what she calls "attention", when I don't answer ti her message for like 5 minutes she's like "Oh you are not giving me enough attention blah blah" . we see each other everyday

[Gary Snyder]

Oh wow, I would not last long in that relationship.........I'm lucky if I text back within 24 hours!

 

Tell her the truth, you are busy. Say you'll talk when it really counts, when you see her.

[DancingFool]

Yeah, I understand that. Yeah I should do that.

Knowing her, she would probably understand that as "me not loving her"

 

That's actually emotional manipulation on her part. You see her as this shy flower, but in reality she is an insecure control freak and it's eating away at your own emotional health and well being, thus you are posting here.

 

Thing is that healthy relationships aren't that much work. Please don't confuse the "I invested so much work to keep this relationship together" with love. It's not the same thing. Investment can make you feel like you can't walk away, but a bad investment never gets better. It just sucks the life out of you.

 

If you want to continue dating her, you are actually going to have to figure out how to set and enforce healthy relationship boundaries and learn how to say "no" to her no matter what tantrum she pitches at you. This is important in any relationship, but particularly when you are dealing with insecure controlling personalities. Expect that she will pitch massive tantrums, especially initially as she fights to regain control. If you want this relationship to survive, then stand firm on your boundaries. If she can manipulate you out of your position either through tantrums, or tears, or emotional guilt tripping......well.....this suffocating situation will continue until you break so to speak.

 

Btw, if you find yourself gradually giving up your hobbies, interests, friends to pacify your partner....beware....you are dealing with a highly toxic person and a toxic relationship that will drain the life and energy out of you over time. When you are looking at your sister, you are seeing what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like. If you can't talk to your partner openly without it leading to major drama and no solutions, consider that you are better off loving them from far far away, aka end the relationship.