Small issues seem big

[Tinax]

This is a small issue but it creates huge problems. My boyfriend hates messiness and since I had my baby I’m not able to clean how he would like.

 

It takes him 10 minutes to clean the room. It takes me 30. But when our family goes to look for our things, we can never find it.

 

I had some important documents I needed for work, and they could have cost me my job. He discarded me without telling me because he said it look like Trash. It took me hours to get copies of that stuff.

 

The other day my son went tplay his video game and all his games had been moved from the front room. We tore the house looking for them. It turns out his games were in my clothes closet. How does video games end up in a closet? Who would think to look there?

 

Another time I had an important meeting. I already picked up my outfit and had it laid out. The next day when I went to get my clothes, everything was there except my blazer. It set me back 30 min. To keep from getting frustrated, I had to keep repeating to myself out loud, “I am not crazy.” Eventually I found my blazer in my panties drawer.

 

I keep telling him that putting stuff anywhere so that they won’t be in the way is not cleaning up. That is not how you clean up. His response is “If you would clean up, I wouldn’t have the chance to lose your stuff.”

 

It’s so inconsiderate and disrespectful. I don’t think he is being passive aggressive by losing our stuff. I know how much he hates clutter. I just need him to remember where he puts our things, or put things where they would most Likely be found. Like put medicine in the medicine cabinet, or file papers away in the filing cabinet... The places we find our things at never makes sense.

 

 

I finally kicked him out. I can’t believe I’m breaking up a family over a small issue as there are others that go through way worse but im looking for stuff almost 24 hours a day. I have to tare the whole house apart to find one item and by the time I find it the house looks worse than before.

 

Another thing that also drives me nuts is that he changes events that happens or things that was said.

 

A perfect example would be just last week I had a job interview because I’m not happy at my current job. He asked me to take him to work and I told him I didn’t have time because it would make me late.

 

He replied “You won’t be late, my job is 5 minutes away from the interview site”

 

I know for a fact that his job is 20 minutes away from the place I’m supposed to be interviewing. We got into a argument about it but I went to the interview first and made him wait in the car.

 

After the interview I took him to his job which took 20 minutes. So I said to him “I thought your job was only 5 minutes away. What if I had listened to you? I would have missed the interview.”

 

He responded “I never said that. What I said was, it was only a couple exits away.”

 

He does this so much to the point where I have to write what he says down or record him, because he is always cleaning up what he said. I feel crazy for having to record him but it’s the only point of reference I have.

 

What do I do? He had been gone for 7 days. These have been the best seven days of my life. No arguing. No looking for stuff.

[Cope]

What do I do? He had been gone for 7 days. These have been the best seven days of my life. No arguing. No looking for stuff.

 

Open a champagne and celebrate?

[and so it goes]

Open a champagne and celebrate?

 

Yup! Absolutely!

[rosephase]

He sounds unpleasant. Being unpleasant isn't a small issue. Who wants to spend time with someone who is consistently making your life harder and doesn't care about the negative impact it has on you.

[Batya33]

He sounds unpleasant. Being unpleasant isn't a small issue. Who wants to spend time with someone who is consistently making your life harder and doesn't care about the negative impact it has on you.

 

I agree - it's how you look at it - if it was only the issue of clutter/neatness you could probably resolve it by hiring a cleaning service or some other logical approach. But as Rosephase wrote it goes deeper -it's why he is doing that. My husband and I each have annoying traits - I leave cabinet doors open, he has hoarding tendencies, he has little sense of time a lot of the time, I like to be punctual. But -we both do our best to communicate and to change - I actually pay attention the last couple of years to closing the cabinet door and he thinks he is doing better with clutter/hoarding. (lol). Basically if you felt your SO gave a darn you'd probably be willing to work out the details. But he does what he does because of an underlying lack of caring or wanting to get even - he throws your stuff away or puts it where you can't find it on purpose even if at the moment he's just throwing it wherever. It would make me crazy because I get what you're saying - you set things out the night before (as do I) in a certain way so that you can maximize your time in the morning and multi-task and not have to do too much pre-coffee actual thinking.

 

Seriously, if my watch and water bottle aren't in exactly the same place each night for the next race to the school bus morning I'd be lost. And if he knows that about you then it's not a small thing if he deliberately sabotages that or doesn't care enough about your needs. You want someone who gives a darn. And if that person messes up, you know he meant well, if that person acts clueless and you know he meant well, it goes a long way. Especially if he genuinely tells you that he meant well (even if he doesn't get why it's such a big deal to you). You can work with that right? If you know you can/could then feel comfortable with your decision IMHO.

Good luck.

[Tinax]

I guess it’s hard for me because he isn’t cheating, or doing anything that would be considered a deal breaker by most people.

 

And Like I mentioned he isn’t been passive aggressive by loosing our stuff. He just doesn’t care.

 

The other thing I mentioned is big. He starts arguments and then cleans up what he says or he won’t take responsibility for causing arguemtns.

 

One Sunday night I was getting ready for Monday morning so I decided to get my babies bag ready to give me extra time in the morning. I went to get the bottles from the sink to wash and steralize them, but there were no bottles in the sink.

 

I asked him where they were. He answered “I already washed and sterilized them. They are in the drying rack”

 

Of course I knew they weren’t in the drying rack, because obviously I would have saw them. But I went in the kitchen anyway to appease my boyfriend.

 

I came back and said to him “Can you show me where in the drying rack are they?” He looked at me as if I were stupid and told me I needed to find them myself.

 

So I looked all over the kitcen. The cabinets, under the sink, and the broken dishwasher that we don’t use. I came back to him and said “Baby I looked for them. Since you already cleaned them can you just show me where you put them?”

 

 

He then replied “If you don’t see them then I don’t know what to tell you. I’m done talking.” He then gave me the silent treatment.

 

 

Well I’m like since you are going to ignore me there is no reason to be here. I ended up going to my dads house to spend the night and left him with the kids.

 

That started another argument. Everything got blown out of proportion.

 

It turns out the bottles were in the babies diaper bag. He washed them SATURDAY and assumed they would still be in the drying rack SUNDAY. I’m not sure how he thought the bottles would be clean, as my baby takes about 8 bottles a day.

 

When all the arguing was over, I said to him “ You know had you just went to the drying rack, and saw that they were gone we wouldn’t have had anything to argue about.”

 

His response “Had you just looked there wouldn’t be any thing to argue about.”

 

But the thing is, I DID look. I looked for clean bottles because he said they were clean. I wouldn’t look in a diaper bag for clean bottles.

[Tinax]

He has been calling me everyday to ask can he come home. It makes me feel so bad but we argue so much, and the root of the argument is always something small and could have been avoided.

 

I know couples argue. People don’t agree on everything and I’m ok with that, but what we do is not healthy.

 

He keeps asking to come home because In the past he would leave. He would leave for one day, than two, and som on. The last time it was six days. I did not miss him at all but I needed help with the baby. Now my baby is older and I don’t require all that help. He can stay gone.

 

I feel bad for him, but I think that last time he was gone and I didn’t ask him to come back he should have took that as a warning that I was getting used to being alone.

 

He tried to be controlling by packing his bags after every argument (which was hard because it meant I had to do everything by myself) but it actually backfired to me realizing I do everything by myself anyway.

[ThatwasThen]

If you let him come back, it should be on the condition that he join you in marriage counseling and if after "graduation" he is still the maddening dolt that you have painted him to be, then leave him for good and don't feel sorry for him... he will have made the bed he's going to have to sleep in.

[Batya33]

Is this his child too? Some of this might be communication and it might have worked better to write things out or post something on the fridge that says where things go.

[Tinax]

It’s his child.

And I don’t have to put a note on the fridge. He knows where everything goes he just doesn’t want to put the effort into putting things away where they should be

[melancholy123]

Open a champagne and celebrate?

 

haha! Yes!

[Seraphim]

I would say marriage counseling. Or I would start in on his stuff and start throwing it in trash bags and throwing out in the yard and when he is looking for it say you “ cleaned it up.” 😉

[Batya33]

I would say marriage counseling. Or I would start in on his stuff and start throwing it in trash bags and throwing out in the yard and when he is looking for it say you “ cleaned it up.” 😉

 

Or do the Waiting to Exhale scene where she has a garage sale and sells her exes golf clubs and suits for a dollar each.

[Seraphim]

Or do the Waiting to Exhale scene where she has a garage sale and sells her exes golf clubs and suits for a dollar each.

 

Hahahah yup. I have NO patience for people moving my stuff all around. It makes me lose my mind.

[Tinax]

I hate him moving my stuff and the constant arguing. I wouldnt mind breaking up with him, but I was trying to keep the family together.

I was thinking of counseling but I think we are passed that point. I don’t feel bad feelings towards him or feelings of like. I’m becoming indifferent to him.

 

If I hated him that would be one thing. Because that would mean I still cared, but I feel nothing

[katrina1980]

 

A perfect example would be just last week I had a job interview because I’m not happy at my current job. He asked me to take him to work and I told him I didn’t have time because it would make me late.

 

He replied “You won’t be late, my job is 5 minutes away from the interview site”

 

I know for a fact that his job is 20 minutes away from the place I’m supposed to be interviewing. We got into a argument about it but I went to the interview first and made him wait in the car.

 

After the interview I took him to his job which took 20 minutes.

 

So I said to him “I thought your job was only 5 minutes away. What if I had listened to you? I would have missed the interview.”

 

He responded “I never said that. What I said was, it was only a couple exits away.”

 

Tinax, don't feel bad, you did the right thing.

 

It's literally impossible to have any sort of healthy dynamic with a man who denies his own words and "rewrites history" to make a point.

 

There is no negotiating issues with that type of person as they won't ever own what they say, they will always "rewrite" it so that they're right and you're wrong, driving you crazy in the process!

 

Did you ever see the movie "Gaslight"? This is precisely what a wife's husband did to her. And yes she literally went crazy. Like literally insane.

 

That type of behavior is insidious (and pathological) and goes way beyond simply moving stuff and needing your home to be neat and tidy.

[1a1a]

No no no don’t let him back in without a huge change in bahaviour. Partners are meant to support each other and build each other up, he’s actively making your life harder, he gives you the goddam silent treatment!!!!!!

 

The fact that in the last week you have felt relief means this is the right choice.

[itsallgrand]

Were you ever acting like a team or were you always adversial to each other ?

I get how it'd be annoying if someone kept putting things in places you wouldn't when they clean up. But I also get how it would be annoying to feel like you are the one having to do most of the cleaning otherwise you won't live in a space that is comfortable for you. And then when you do clean, being critized for 'not doing it right'. Who is to say what the correct way to clean is ? Everyone does it differently , and it takes some patience coming to agreements about a way that meets in the middle so everyone is comfortable.

 

As for the rewriting what he says, that could be miscommunication too rather than any active attempt to be deceitful. The bottles, for example, it really sounded like poor communication on both ends so that there wasn't exchanging of info anymore of what was actually going on, but lots of stubbornness on both sides about doing it a particular way and the other guy is wrong.

 

By all means, if you are happier now, great. But it is breaking up a family, which is no small thing. And these are petty squabbles, end of the day. If there are real serious issues about commitment or skills in communication or caring, there's different options to explore there before cashing it in. I just think when there are kids involved, it's worth identifying the core of why you aren't happy. Maybe it can be resolved, maybe not, but to at least know you aren't breaking up over getting on each other's nerves.

 

It was strange to read, for me, hearing that you needed him before when the baby was younger, now you don't feel like you need him, so now bye bye. Did you love each other ? Did you stop, or was it just never there, the deep kind of caring that gets people through stuff like being tempted to argue over small things?

 

Feeling like , and in action experiencing, having your partner have your back is so important . Something happened where you two don't do that for each other, like this has been a while coming?

[Hollyj]

Open a champagne and celebrate?

 

LOL!!!

 

The guy sounds like a crazy maker! It sounds like he was trying to mess with you. Be done with this nut!

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been together/lived together? He's being extremely passive aggressive by undermining you constantly because of his hostility and resentment and need for control. This isn't about clutter, that's just the symptom at the tip of this iceberg of power struggles. He should not be rifling through your stuff no less throwing out documents, etc. and deliberately hiding things on you. He's not "losing it", he's sabotaging you on purpose. Good you kicked him out he's mentally abusive. Don't let him back in. Your and your child's life will be one of chronic conflict and chaos.

I don’t think he is being passive aggressive by losing our stuff.I finally kicked him out. He had been gone for 7 days. These have been the best seven days of my life. No arguing. No looking for stuff.

[Tinax]

As for the rewriting what he says, that could be miscommunication too rather than any active attempt to be deceitful. The bottles, for example, it really sounded like poor communication on both ends so that there wasn't exchanging of info anymore of what was actually going on, but lots of stubbornness on both sides about doing it a particular way and the other guy is wrong.

 

By all means, if you are happier now, great. But it is breaking up a family, which is no small thing. And these are petty squabbles, end of the day. If l the core of why you aren't happy. Maybe it can be?

 

I’m not sure how you can say I was stubborn in the situation. I looked for bottles that weren’t there, and I looked in the place he said it would be knowing it wouldn’t be there.

 

When I kept asking him to help me find it, he just stared at me, not saying anything.

 

The reason he did this is because he claims “He already washed them,” when in fact he did not wash them. I’m looking in places where clean bottles would be.

 

I did not know I should be looking for dirty bottles. I used the information he gave to me.

 

And yes at one point we did function like a team, but I think he was hiding his true colors because many people say the same thing about him

[Batya33]

Yes, I bottle fed and it would have made me crazy if my husband pretended he didn't know I meant "clean" bottles when I said I wanted to feed the baby and where are the bottles. And when there are 8 bottles a day you have to have a system that works because you're already sterilizing/cleaning them all day.

[Seraphim]

How long have you been together/lived together? He's being extremely passive aggressive by undermining you constantly because of his hostility and resentment and need for control. This isn't about clutter, that's just the symptom at the tip of this iceberg of power struggles. He should not be rifling through your stuff no less throwing out documents, etc. and deliberately hiding things on you. He's not "losing it", he's sabotaging you on purpose. Good you kicked him out he's mentally abusive. Don't let him back in. Your and your child's life will be one of chronic conflict and chaos.

I have to agree. Who shoves a blazer into a pantie drawer? I mean come on. I know toddlers who know how to match to put things away. I think he is doing it on purpose and he doesn’t care.

[Tinax]

I think I feel bad because I know he is trying to change. He used to be a real liar, cheater, and manipulater.

 

So these things seem small in comparison. We started out as FWB and then he moved in. We never real had a discussion about this. One day he left a tooth brush over and gradually moved in.

 

Well over the course of a couple weeks this girl kept calling him and he would never answer the phone. One day when he was gone I contacted her.

 

She showed me screenshots between the two of them. When I confronted him he said he didn’t know that me and him were in a relationship. He thought we were still friends with benefits.

 

I sat there confused wondering when did friends with benefits live together? And if we were friends with benefits why was he trying to hide the other woman.

[Seraphim]

Don’t feel bad. It sounds like a lot of disrespect on purpose and he is not the totally clueless clown he’s trying to portray. No one is THAT clueless. I’m sorry. He’s just plain disrespectful has been from the start and just transferred it to another medium .