What to do next time

[Tulip777]

I've known a guy for ages through choir. To say hi to etc.he gave me his number a few weeks ago and we started texting. Everyday about life and things.

I know he was married a long time ago and as I didn't know his situation I asked if he was still married via text he said no. He knows I'm single as I told him. We got on well. I asked if he would like to go for coffee sometime he said yes and arranged and we met and got on well, but in the evening at a quiet diner. he had now suggested going for a drive one night. Or goto his to watch a movie. I said no to both. Thinking he might be after one thing. I suggested going for a walk followed by coffee or a meal followed by a walk and he said ok but not yet. He says he's separated but won't meet?..

I text him to say I'm not looking for fun or anything. Told him I want something more.long term. I wanted to know his situation ie is he divorced or separated or still living together. Was this too soon to ask or tell him what I want.

I think I now made a mistake by having a text relationship with him instead of meeting up. Maybe i came on too heavy by telling him what I want ie I want a relationship, but dating websites always state intent ie no commitment, wants to date, looking for relationship etc... I told him I don't want to meet unless we have a public date and I'm not up for fun. We are still friends but I quit texting/ emailing.

Next time a guy gives me his number or asks me on a date is it OK to ask his situation first.. ie is he single etc..

[DanZee]

You're right. You should set up a meeting within the first two weeks to find out if the guy is worth your time. So many people on the Internet lie about their situation, and some won't even meet you at all, so you shouldn't talk to anyone who won't meet with you. They're just wasting your time. And then, as you said, keep the date in the public. Until you know the guy, no going over to his apartment to watch a movie or anything else. So many guys just want a one-night stand, and you want to find someone who wants a long-term relationship. Keep the dates public for a couple of times and try to find out as much as possible about them before being alone with them anywhere. And then, have fun, but if there's anything inconsistencies in what he says, be suspicious. And also, avoid anyone who's married or separated. You wind up being either a mistress or a rebound relationship, and it's a difficult position to be in. And if a guy won't tell you what his situation is, then avoid him.

[Honeycomb8]

So he is still married if he's separated.*rolls eyes*

[Tulip777]

Thanks very much for your advice.. My friend said I probably scared him away but I wanted to be sure to let him know where he stood. I tried several times to tell him I wanted to meet in public. Yet still he suggested meeting at his.. Also some days he hardly texted at all. Bit suspicious.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like his wife is still on the scene. I would stop contacting him altogether, because you run the risk of trying to date a guy who is still working on his marriage or outright lying about their marital status.

 

Don't worry about coming on too strong with this one. He isn't looking for the same things you are, and he isn't exactly a free agent anyway.

[Tulip777]

Thank you. I let him know that too and said I think we are.looking for different things. He didn't deny it. Agreed and also agreed to be friends. I have not replied or contacted him since. It could be his wife is still on scene. Hence not meeting in public although denying he's still with her..

I came on strong to let him know I'm not up for messing. Hopefully he isn't messing about.

[Wiseman2]

Don't chase married men. Do not text men with your wish list and goals. They are not responsible for that. You are. If he is acting lame, simply stop texting him. Next time stop texting this much. If someone is evasive about their status, do not go out with them.

He says he's separated but won't meet?..I text him to say I'm not looking for fun or anything. Told him I want something more.long term.

[boltnrun]

Your "friend " is encouraging you to pursue a married man?

[James516]

If a vampire approaches you and you scare him off with garlic, then the scaring off part is a good thing. This guy would currently be an emotional blood-sucker. Separated is still married and still carries baggage for him to have to sort. You don't need that dead weight. And yeah, a drive and a movie is a cheap way for him to seek a hook up followed by the infamous "I'm just not ready for more." So you did great to send this guy on his way. Yes, in the future for someone who is ready, don't text much to start and don't bring up anything about the r-word right away - that will very likely scare off even the stable ones.

[Tulip777]

He gave me the impression he was separated. I guess not. Hence the hesitation for him to meet in public.

If a guy gives me his number next time, I will not go down the texting route. It was because we both work shifts and was easier than meeting up.

I only text him to say I'm not looking for fun etc because he asked me round to his for movie time and I wanted to let him know that I wasn't up for doing that

[Lambert]

We use the term scared away so often. And what I don't like about that is, it implies someone did something wrong or that by doing something different, the person would not have been scared.

 

You are completely right to say what you are looking for. your number one job is to make good decisions for yourself.

 

I feel many people blame honesty for "scaring" a person away. They are not scared. They just don't want the same things.

 

As a single person, a separated person is not a good match for you. If anything you should be scared because they have a lot of emotions clouding their mind and judgment.

 

And I agree with your instinct. He can watch a movie or hang out at his place, but a drive or a walk is out? hmmmmm.... some guys do just want sex.

 

I think I might have encountered that recently myself... and that's fine for them, but if you're not interested in casual sex, then don't engage in it, thinking it is something else.

[Wiseman2]

Don't date married men.

He gave me the impression he was separated.

[Tulip777]

Thank you all for advice. I told him we want different things and that we best not take things further and i have blocked all contact we only had a text relationship and a walk together .

[Hollyj]

He is married.

 

Cut back on all the texting before dating.

 

You were right to shut down the drive and meet up at his place: sex

 

You overshared. Please do not share your relationship history with people, as it is not necessary.

 

I would not reach out again.

 

I would definitely want to know if they are married/ separated.

[Hollyj]

Thanks very much for your advice.. My friend said I probably scared him away but I wanted to be sure to let him know where he stood. I tried several times to tell him I wanted to meet in public. Yet still he suggested meeting at his.. Also some days he hardly texted at all. Bit suspicious.

 

Does your friend want you to date a married man?

 

Cut back on the texting. I don't text my closest friends everyday, maybe a couple times a week.

[reinventmyself]

We use the term scared away so often. And what I don't like about that is, it implies someone did something wrong or that by doing something different, the person would not have been scared.

 

You are completely right to say what you are looking for. your number one job is to make good decisions for yourself.

 

I feel many people blame honesty for "scaring" a person away. They are not scared. They just don't want the same things.

 

I used to be that person, who was afraid I'd scare someone away.

 

Now I enter into this conversation early on stating what is right for me. It's not debatable and I have learned to honor who I am and how I operate.

 

At the same time I am not asking them for anything.

 

People get a little hung up on the idea they are asking the other person for something they may not be willing to give.

 

I just state how I am and how I view things and they either step up or step back after processing the information. I am not asking them anything in return.

 

The most surprising part in all of this is men tend to respect you more for having said so and in turn tend to be more interested because of the confidence you have when sharing your personal values.

[katrina1980]

Thanks very much for your advice.. My friend said I probably scared him away but I wanted to be sure to let him know where he stood. I tried several times to tell him I wanted to meet in public. Yet still he suggested meeting at his.. Also some days he hardly texted at all. Bit suspicious.

 

Boundaries don't scare men away Tulip, not men who are interested in having a RL with you.

 

In this case, I just don't think he was ever all that interested in you in the first place.

 

Not the type of interest you want him to have, considering you want a RL and not just a roll in the hay (which is what he wants).

[Tulip777]

Thank you. I stated what I wanted to my ex from the beginning of our relationship and we were together for a long time. We both agreed that we wanted a relationship and straightaway he stepped up to be with me and from then on we were honest and open about everything. I have been open and honest with this guy and now he says he respects my decision not to take things further and that he understands where I am coming from.