5 months post break up

[Bro32]

It’s been 5 months since me and my ex ended a 4.5 year relationship. At this stage I am doing better than I was a few months ago! My motivation is back and I’m working out most days which has definitely improved my self esteem. I have pretty much given up all hope of her returning to me. She hasn’t reached out or made any other attempts to reconcile. I am pretty sure she is still with the guy she left me for! So here I am back on dating apps seeing what’s out there again. It has been hard to not doubt myself at times. My question this morning is how do I let go of all the baggage in order to prosper in a new relationship?

[melancholy123]

I think you keep doing what you are doing, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. It all takes time. Keep occupied with things and people you enjoy.

[THE SPARTAN]

First off, good on you! Remain in NC and keep focusing on you! As far as any new relationship is concerned, take your time. When you go on dates keep the ex talk to a minimum and just have a good time. Your going to see that leaving the baggage of feelings associated with your ex will come naturally. It's inevitable that you will compare her to any girl you date, but you're also going to come to the realization that there are other girls out there worthy of you and your time, and that pedestal that your ex was once sitting high upon is/was not deserving of YOU. One day she may also come to that realization, but for now it's a moot point. In closing, the more you go on dates you will see the less, and less you will think of your ex. Stay strong bother!

[smackie9]

Time.....it simply takes time. You can see for yourself that you are feeling different from how you did a month ago. You feel the difference, but you still have a ways to go before you are free of the residual of your last relationship. Be very careful trying to not force yourself to meet someone...all you would be doing is fill a void instead of enhancing your life with someone new.

[Billie28]

I once read an article that suggested it takes half the time that was spent in a failed relationship to fully get past the baggage. In your case that would be 2 years.

 

I can’t quote or refer to it as I can’t remember where I read it but at the time it made sense to me.

 

Which might suggest you won’t be ready to date anyone with serious or genuine intent for the next 18 months. But that’s ok . You can still date and enjoy dating in the meantime.

 

But you will only truly have dropped the baggage when you have become indifferent to your ex , you no longer love , like nor hate her. And want nothing to do with her because of that indifference. You aren’t there yet.

 

It was only 8 weeks ago that you contacted her? And it was only 8 weeks ago that you asked how soon it is ok to add an ex back on social media.

 

That’s not indifference. That’s just another phase of your grief , you are still grieving the loss but recognising that you are progressing with your grief.

 

I would suggest spending more time engaging in social activities with friends and family over joining a dating site at this point.

 

Good luck!!

[Bro32]

Great advice! I have yet to go on a date! I feel like I might be a little more picky this time around. As far as NC in concerned I did break it twice! The first time I didn’t get a response and the second time I got one response. That made me realize that she no longer wanted me in her life and that I have to stay away! I will admit that I do feel a little more pressure to find another girl because of my age! I’m 27 about to be 28 and I feel like I’m running out of time if that makes any sense.

[Bro32]

Well said! I am not indifferent yet! She still lurks in my mind!

[Wiseman2]

Get a good profile/pics. Message all hopefuls. Chat a few times with hopefuls who respond to set up a convenient time/date to meet for a brief coffee/drink. Get your look fixed up. Hair, grooming, updated "date" clothes, etc.. Be upbeat. Do Not Mention Your Ex or Talk about your breakup.

I am back on dating apps seeing what’s out there again. how do I let go of all the baggage in order to prosper in a new relationship?

[Bro32]

I have mentioned my ex a few times 💀

[Wiseman2]

Yep, kiss of death. 👻

I have mentioned my ex a few times 💀

[Bro32]

Lol I’m so ready for these thoughts the subside!

[Billie28]

Great advice! I have yet to go on a date! I feel like I might be a little more picky this time around. As far as NC in concerned I did break it twice! The first time I didn’t get a response and the second time I got one response. That made me realize that she no longer wanted me in her life and that I have to stay away! I will admit that I do feel a little more pressure to find another girl because of my age! I’m 27 about to be 28 and I feel like I’m running out of time if that makes any sense.

 

You will be a bit more picky??! That sounds like you are not dating for fun but looking for a replacement gf? Not a smart move at all!!?

 

You agreed you are not over your ex yet and confirmed that by still talking about her even in this reply???

 

Who has put undue pressure on you to have a gf at the age of 27??

That kind of thinking will ensure you will not make any right choices in a partner and will still be wondering at the age of 50 as to why you are still single?

 

Now I’m thinking you and your ex had nothing in common but stayed together because of notions rather than compatibility.

 

You need to be and choose to be single for a year. Ditch the dating sites until you figure out what you want and enjoy in life without another.

[Bro32]

You might have hit the nail on the head with this one!! Sadly I see a lot of truth in this comment ^^

[Bro32]

You are so right @smachie9! I feel like I am just bored and kind of lonely so I’m looking for a quick fix!

[Rose Mosse]

It’s been 5 months since me and my ex ended a 4.5 year relationship. At this stage I am doing better than I was a few months ago! My motivation is back and I’m working out most days which has definitely improved my self esteem. I have pretty much given up all hope of her returning to me. She hasn’t reached out or made any other attempts to reconcile. I am pretty sure she is still with the guy she left me for! So here I am back on dating apps seeing what’s out there again. It has been hard to not doubt myself at times. My question this morning is how do I let go of all the baggage in order to prosper in a new relationship?

 

This seems very painful. Give yourself time to breathe and be single for awhile. Being lonely is normal... we all feel lonely. You'll have to learn to re-orient yourself and start separating yourself from the idea of you and your ex as a couple. That phase of your life is now over. It takes time. There is no magic recipe with quick results. Real results come with time and by doing things right. It's time and a sincere effort towards getting to know the new you, your single and independent self (your new identity).

 

Don't sell yourself short by making quick and superficial connections if you're feeling nervous, sad, down or still thinking of your ex in many ways. Give yourself room to breathe and explore your identity independently.