Ten days and counting…

[SixOfOne]

It’s been ten days now since I told my ex that I couldn’t/wouldn’t continue a relationship with her as her ‘friend’. I’m feeling a little better each day, and for the larger part of most days I somehow manage not to focus on how much I already miss her. But then along comes a day like this.

 

From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, she’s been everywhere I look and in everything I hear. All I can think of is being with her and seeing her face, hearing her voice again. We never fought, we rarely argued, we shared so many common interests, and our time together was joyous and loving and fun. There was no cheating, no abuse, and our split was not bitter or hostile or blaming.

 

I know that in previous posts I mentioned that I was needy and desperate and clingy, and I was. But that’s so out of character for me, and it only occurred during the last few months of our two+ years together, when I was confused to feel the distance beginning to grow between us, and she was too uncertain of her feelings to be able to state them clearly to either of us.

 

So I can’t explain why this has happened, except to acknowledge that she simply fell out of love with me. It just happens sometimes, I know, and most often for reasons no one can explain. But it horrifies me, frankly, that something apparently so solid and stable and real can end up with little more substance than a dream.

 

This isn’t my first rodeo, y’all, trust me. So I definitely have a firm grasp on the vagaries of love and relationships. Even so, if I believed in the concept of someone being ‘The One’, I’d have bet the house that it was her. Despite my prior life experiences, I’ve never known anything like this.

 

Now I wonder how I’ll ever trust that feeling again, or even if that’ll ever be an option for me. I’d give everything I have to be with her again, though I don’t harbor any hopes for that happening, as much as I’d like to.

 

So I don’t really have a question, not really looking for advice. I’m just very sad today, to understate the issue, and I suppose I’m just looking for a shoulder to cry on. I miss her so much, and I still love her with all my broken heart. But no matter; it’s just another day.

[TeeDee]

You have made it 10 days so far. That is an accomplishment. You can make it to 11.

 

This is a long, slow, painful process but you will get to peace again. Hang in there.

[boltnrun]

She was uncertain of her feelings. Therefore she was not "The One".

 

You're going to feel not great for a while and that's OK. Give yourself permission to feel sad, then go on with your day.

[SixOfOne]

Thank you, TD and bolt. I appreciate your kindness.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

I feel for you. I'm going through the same thing. Three and a half years, and one lunch and my demise was in the making. Oddly, she wanted very much for me to fit into the "best friend" role. At the time, I knew her more than anyone. Except, she forgot each day she is in love with someone else, he learns a little more about her inner feelings, I get a little less information from her. I gave it my best, but I realized it was her trying not to just throw me out, but put me in a safe place so I wouldn't feel abandoned. I'm not sure she admits that to herself. So, I compliment you on not accepting the friend zone as acceptable.

 

That said, I also have the pangs of missing my ex, trying to understand how we could go from her saying "I'm so in love with you...", to "I"m no longer in love with you". It's hard for us to comprehend how these things happen because out of all the honestly they gave us, they saved the falling out of love for the last. But this is the process we all go through, and you are not alone. It helps me to go over videos of why no contact is a good thing. If you must, find videos about what the ex is feeling. It kind of re-focuses you on the purpose of what you are doing, and why it helps you. Also, take time to write all of your thoughts an emotions in a place where you feel heard. Either here in a personal journal, or in Microsoft Word for yourself. I find it gets the circular thoughts out of your head and frees you, to an extent, from them.

 

Good luck.

[SixOfOne]

Sorry to hear you're hurting too, James. Thankfully, there are mostly good days, and even the bad ones are getting better. Reminds me of this old song:

 

 

Thank you for your empathy, friend.

[maew]

Even so, if I believed in the concept of someone being ‘The One’, I’d have bet the house that it was her. Despite my prior life experiences, I’ve never known anything like this.

 

Now I wonder how I’ll ever trust that feeling again, or even if that’ll ever be an option for me

 

To be honest OP I think this is a good thing, that you are questioning whether you can trust your feelings for someone in the future. In this case you were in a relationship with someone that didn't feel the same way about you as you did about them... it's likely this was always the case, and that you had tunnel vision and ignored the red flags because you wanted a particular outcome with this person. Should a situation occur down the road where you meet someone and feel that chemistry with them... maybe this will help you keep your objectivity and stay grounded. it's entirely normal to feel chemistry with people that would be completely inappropriate to have a relationship with... I see it as an opportunity to explore where those feelings come from and what I need to work on in myself vs. needing to act on that chemistry.

 

Your next relationship, if you let it, can be with someone where you share chemistry, values, communication styles, humor and all the other things that make good relationships work. So yes don't trust the feelings you have now as they led you down the path of heart break... be open to experiencing a different kind of relationship, one with your equal in every way.

[Rose Mosse]

When a person falls out of love with someone else, it usually means there's a blurring and loss of identity somewhere. Either one or both individuals lost their core identity. I understand this is not the place to go into much detail about it as you're mourning the loss of the relationship. I think you've also mentioned you are going to therapy? I'm not sure where I saw that. Keep up with the good work and working through that pain and conflict.

 

I also had a relationship end in a similar way when I was younger. Things will become clearer with time.