Should I worry?

[iddie4u1906]

My boyfriend is deployed to Afghanistan & when he came home on his two weeks leave, I found some random webcam chat porn sites on his computer & a bunch of usersname logins like "showmetits" "iwanttits".. I asked him about it and he denied looking at it, says it was gross & that he doesn't look at porn. Then again I found in his history some other random porn links. He tells me still that he doesn't look at porn and that i shouldn't worry. So then I was checking his email for him ( after he got back to Afghanistan) and found some "ex member" emails from a porn site.. I didn't want to ask him about it because I don't want to make a big deal out of it.. I can't help but wonder why would he deny it, if he does look at it.. Is it me? Could I not be pleasing him ( well obviously if he's deployed..)? Ugh I just need some kinda imput..

[Bonzophuebes1]

Being in in the military and been deployed myself and though I didnt have a laptop so no access to computers ona daily basis I looked at porn sites when I could. I am married by the way. I dirty chatted with my wife but when she was not around and all, I looked at some sites. No big deal. THere is a multitude of reason why that stuff is there. He could have opened the accts for him and his buddies to release some steam by talking dirty to those chat HO's. He could have opened em to just get out aggression all by his lonesome. I wouldnt worry about it. The best thing to do is to just tlak to him about it and say you dont mind but just be honest. Its not about you and your lack of satisfying him. MEN LOOK AT PORN. It is what it is. You need to accept that and realize that that is better than him out cheating. Lame excuse I know, but it is true. Who cares if he looks at some bimbo on the net or a magazine, he comes home to you. He makes love to you, HE IS WITH YOU. MEN LIKE DA LADIES, WE LIKE TO LOOK AT THE LADIES. My wife knows this, she doesnt get it but she knows that occasionally I do, she dont care.

[Zackinlaw]

I can't help but wonder why would he deny it, if he does look at it.. Is it me? Could I not be pleasing him ( well obviously if he's deployed..)?

 

He is probably denying it out of embarrassment. Some guys just enjoy porn sometimes ... it's not at all a comment on your attractiveness or your ability to please him. Unless it's obsessive, it's a harmless way to satisfy a man's natural curiosity for variety while remaining completely faithful in real life. Let it slide.

 

Zack.

[sharsachan]

If my husband and I was separated due to deployment or some such period of time, I don't think it would bother me that he looked at porn. There isn't too much way I could satisfy him.

 

Once home, if he continued, that would deffinitely hurt. I'm there and if he has those urges, I'm incredibly willing to help, my sex drive is higher than his anyway so I'm almost alwase willing for him.

 

But when he's away for extended periods of time, I don't think it hurts. The only part that is wrong is that he lied to you about it.

 

Honesty is KEY. Hopefully you understand that he's not trying to hurt you by looking at it. I would Tell him it's okay if he looked, but to please be honest. You understand that the distance keeps you apart sexually, but you still love him emotionally and mentally, and you need him to be honest, no matter what. Don't come off that you're accusing him of it, he may get defensive.

 

 

A cute idea {I'm assumng since your together you trust him; I would not do this for anyone I didn't trust my life to.} also is to give or send him some naked or nearly naked suggestive pictures of yourself. I did this for my husband, and he told me it was a nice surprise. It deffinitely boosts my self esteem to know that when he's looking at naked girls, I'm still in his mind. [And no, I'm not a small or skinny girl; I have curves and some extra weight as well. However, the human body can still be beautiful if you do it right, and your guy probably loves your body, no matter how insecure you might be about it.]

[prodigy child]

i dont think it is a problem with ur man looking at porn. that is normal for all men and it doesnt mean that ur not pleasing him. i think u should be concerned that he is lying to u about it (and its obvious that he is). I think normal picture porn is OK but i personally dont like my partner using webcam stuff or dirty chatting with other people because that is something more than fantasy and has direct involvement with two people, which i consider cheating. Maybe if you let him know that your ok with him looking at porn he will feel more open about explaining himself. Otherwise i think you two have some communication and trust issues to work out as it is not rght to directly lie to you partner

[Zackinlaw]

I have a question though ... is this a computer he has with him in Afghanistan? If so, he may be letting his buddies use it. As for the member site emails ... this is a common ploy used hoping the recipient will open and read the email. I have never belonged to a pay porn site and I occasionally get emails like "Special offers for past members" etc.

 

While the lie is troubling, I don't think I would elevate it to the full blown trust issue many are suggesting here.

 

Zack.

[miracle29]

Wait, hold the phone, and stop the press! Don't be so hard on yourself. His looking at porn has little to do with your pleasing him. You could be Pamala Anderson on a horse and he may still feel the need to search for alterior sources of enticement.

 

now I will ask you a question. If I slap you in the face, kick you in your shin and then spit on your wrist, and you said "WTH why did you do that" And I say "I would NEVER do that ...its horrid". Does it mean i'm innocent?

NO..it means i'm in denial.

 

And De-nile aint just a river in Egypt me dear!

[sharsachan]

While the lie is troubling, I don't think I would elevate it to the full blown trust issue many are suggesting here.

 

Honesty is a very big issue for some, myself included. It bothers me emensely when anyone lies to me, my hubby, a friend, work, even if it's just a little thing [i was upset once because my job claimed we'd have a special sandwhich for only two weeks and it went on over a month], however, I'm aware that this is also very likely a mental thing within myself to get upset over lies that are so small and meaningless. I was just speaking from my own experience and mentality, I don't think lying of any kind of appropriate in a relationship built on trust.

 

Sometimes a lie that a partner discovers can also eat at them and cause them unexpected anguish about what else he might be lying about. I wouldnt want it to get to that point. Talking now is key, imo.

[miracle29]

Honesty is a very big issue for some, myself included. It bothers me emensely when anyone lies to me, my hubby, a friend, work, even if it's just a little thing [i was upset once because my job claimed we'd have a special sandwhich for only two weeks and it went on over a month], however, I'm aware that this is also very likely a mental thing within myself to get upset over lies that are so small and meaningless. I was just speaking from my own experience and mentality, I don't think lying of any kind of appropriate in a relationship built on trust.

 

Sometimes a lie that a partner discovers can also eat at them and cause them unexpected anguish about what else he might be lying about. I wouldnt want it to get to that point. Talking now is key, imo.

 

 

Yes and it hurts when you're lied too. See when someone tells us the truth it hurts for maybe a split second, but when we are lied too, sometimes that hurt never goes away.

[Zackinlaw]

I don't think lying of any kind of appropriate in a relationship built on trust.

 

I agree, and I didn't want to give the impression that I don't think lying is a serious problem. I just thought that the emphasis of the comments were getting a bit away from the question she asked "why would he lie about watching porn" to a question she didn't ask "do you think his lie was a betrayal of trust."

 

Zack.

 

ps ... is "yes" ever the right answer to "do I look fat in this dress?"

[miracle29]

I agree, and I didn't want to give the impression that I don't think lying is a serious problem. I just thought that the emphasis of the comments were getting a bit away from the question she asked "why would he lie about watching porn" to a question she didn't ask "do you think his lie was a betrayal of trust."

 

Zack.

 

ps ... is "yes" ever the right answer to "do I look fat in this dress?"

 

There is a way out of the "do i look fat question". Its simple. The man simply stands up and said "Honey, look at my gut, I'm the one who's fat". It works evrytime. Just ask my hubby.

[Scare]

i got deployed in afgan also but i'm out of the marines now. But everynow and then yeah sure i would look at porn. Gotta cut him some slack cause you are out in a desert with no pretty women ANYWHERE. Plus you need somethign to keep you happy. But i also talked with my grilfriend alot and she knew. At first she was mad but after a while she got over it.